First post here - The 7 most common mistakes shy guys make with women

[EricJames]

Hey guys,

 

It's the first time I post here, but I've lurked around for a while without registering and posting. As my first post, I chose something that I've been thinking of writing for a while and that I just recently managed to put together.

 

Over the past few years, I've made a lot of discoveries and personal changes that have reflected themselves in ten times more friends, tripled the number of dates I've had and overall increased my happiness. It all started when I began to realize some really horrible mistakes I was making in my dealings with women.

 

It wasn't always like this. I used to be a very shy, socially awkward guy. I had one good friend in HS who was also similarly socially awkward and into his own world. While I did speak to girls, I never had a gf and struggled with that all through college, making mistake after mistake.

 

These weren't just things I was doing wrong. These were actual mindsets that literally held me back from having the kind of success with women I really wanted. When I finally learned how to change them and reverse them, things started to make a lot more sense and women started to get more interested in me almost overnight.

 

So without further ado here they are in no particular order.

 

Mistake 1: They try to get the girl interested in them

 

The first mistake is counter-intuitive. Typically shy guys will try to come up with schemes or tricks to get girls to like them. They will scour the internet for tips and techniques on how to “get” girls or on how to get sex from girls.

 

Women absolutely loathe this kind of thing!

 

Why? Well imagine you had something that people want. For example, a really nice car.

 

Your friends will always call you to try to get you to go out with them; they will try and get you to lend them the car or try to get you to give them a ride by trying to be nice to you or trying to be your best friend

 

You can immediately tell that their intentions are not genuine – they just want you for the car and don’t care about you otherwise – and it pisses you off. Some times you may even fall for it; thinking that a guy is being honest and that he's your best friend while he's only interested in your material possessions. When he gets what he wanted and leaves you, that's when you see what a manipulative jerk he really was!

 

How does that make you feel? Doesn't that make you feel used? Welcome to the reality of every attractive woman!

 

She gets approached every day by random strangers who want to get her interested in them or want to get in her pants. And these guys are willing to do anything, take her out on expensive dinners, buy her stuff, be nice to her and become her best friend, and a plethora of other things just so that he can get what he wants.

 

The sad part is that when women fall for this, they end up getting hurt and it scars them for life. They end up resenting men and having a hard time trusting them.

 

Then there are some guys who will teach you to do the OPPOSITE. They will tell you to be a jerk to women, put them down and pretend you're not interested and you don’t want anything from them. This may work sometimes but usually it will attract low-self esteem girls who are craving attention from men. If that's who you're after then it's fine, but me personally I prefer women with high self-esteem. These women will see right through your little games and dismiss you as immature.

 

Mistake 2: They focus too much on trying to say the right thing to impress the girl

 

Shy guys worry too much about finding the right thing to say, finding the perfect opening line or finding the perfect moment to jump in and say something. So they wait and wait and when the conversation is over they wonder why they couldn’t think of anything to say.

 

This is one of the reasons why they are shy in the first place. They are just trying too hard to impress others. In their mind they have a fantasy of saying something and wow-ing everybody. When they can’t think of anything to say, they just shut up and sit in the background.

 

The other reason they are shy is because of the fear of being judged by others. They just can’t seem to understand that other people are so damn preoccupied with their own issues that they don’t even notice.

 

If you're one of these guys, you should realize that most people are not even paying attention to you. Just walk around your city and notice how many people actually pay attention to you. They're just sleepwalking through their day, deep in thought and they couldn't care less about you. Why would they? You're not that important to them. Heck, they don't even know you! Even if they judge, so ****ing what??

 

Besides, we already discussed why you shouldn't even be focusing on trying to impress others, especially women. It's just another form of trying to "get" something from her and she does not want to feel used.

 

There is such a thing as the wrong thing to say however. You wouldn’t discuss sex at the dinner table in front of your family or talk about love with your buddies. There are certain topics that you should almost never discuss in social situations, such as depressing news, politics, things like violence against women, divorce, etc. Socializing is meant to be fun and these topics will ruin all the fun. You will be seen as a weirdo and be outcast.

 

In line with this mistake is also the idea of trying to figure out what the girl wants or what she’s “looking for” in a guy and then trying to be that guy. This is a losing game to play because, say you figure this out intuitively or she tells you and you play this role and “get” the girl.

 

Then what? How are you going to keep seeing this girl if you’re still trying to play a role that is not who you really are? How do you expect to stop pretending to be someone else and still hope that she will like you?

 

Maybe you think that after spending time with you she will eventually like you? I don’t think so! So drop it. Stop pretending to be someone else on her behalf and start thinking about what you really want and find a girl who fits those criteria. Then you don't have to pretend to be someone else. You can be yourself.

 

Mistake 3: They underestimate their own value while overestimating the girl’s value. They don’t think they’re good enough to attract really hot women

 

One of the most difficult things I've had to deal with was the idea that I wasn't worthy of a hot girl. Somehow I had gotten into my head the idea that a hot girl has a lot of options and she can choose anyone she wants so why would she choose me? This almost made me settle for sub-par girls as I'd get very nervous when talking to a girl I perceived to be "out of my league"

 

If this sounds like you then you need to understand that there are two fundamentally wrong assumptions here. The first one is the idea that a hot girl has a lot of options and the second one is the idea that you have no value just by yourself.

 

First of all it would seem that a hot girl has lots of options. There are many guys pursuing her, trying to get her to go out with them and you would think that she can choose from a large pool of guys. The reality from a woman’s perspective is different.

 

I know a girl who goes on a lot of dates. She accepts invitations to go on dates from many guys who want to be her boyfriend and yet she is still single. It’s not that she hasn’t had boyfriends, she's certainly had her share, but in reality she can’t trust every guy that comes along and wants to date her. She is looking for someone in particular and despite the large pool of guys she’s going out with, that one perfect guy for her is still elusive.

 

Next time you have a chance, ask a female friend or co-worker about the kinds of guys who approach her vs. those who she ends up dating long term. So what does this mean? It means that if you're the right guy for her, you have a chance!! And the only way you find that out is by asking her out.

 

Second let’s deal with the idea that you have no value or that you’re not worthy. There are two symptoms to this problem. The first one is thinking: "I can be smarter", "I can be cooler", "I can be more hard-working", "I can be more social" where you compare yourself to your ideal self.

 

While this is great to help you work on improving yourself, you've got to realize that you are not competing for women with your ideal self. You may still be "imperfect" according to your standards but that doesn't mean you have no value. Just the fact that you are a living, breathing organism means that you are valuable.

 

The second symptom is the one where you compare yourself to some imaginary guy out there who’s taller than you, more athletic, far better looking and far more successful than you. This is the same as comparing yourself to the "ideal you" except the ideal is someone who doesn't exist.

 

The other thing you have to your advantage is the uniqueness that only you can offer. In other words, she can only get you from you. When you begin to understand that women are attracted to your character traits and your personality much more than they are attracted to looks, or money then you can finally relax and go after the girls you really like and see if they fit your criteria.

[EricJames]

Mistake 4: They think that once they get the girl, everything will be ok. They will finally be happy and their life will no longer be boring

 

The underlying assumption here is that girls bring you happiness. That may be true temporarily, since every new relationship is exciting in the beginning. However, looking to the girl to bring you happiness is buying into the idea that happiness exists outside of you and that you need to acquire things in order to be happy.

 

Just like getting more money, getting a girl will not only fail to make you happy, it will accelerate or expose the problems and insecurities that already exist. Unless you figure out how to deal with them the relationship will bring you more frustration rather than happiness. You will undoubtedly lose the girl and end up getting hurt more.

 

You’ve got to be able to put your life together and be happy regardless of whether you have a girl around or not. So when you meet a girl who’s worthy of being your girlfriend, you can invite her into your life to enjoy the ride.

 

Many times shy guys will want to get into the girl’s life and become a part of it. The problem here is that she will now define your life and you will no longer be independent. You will have checked your manhood at the door and she now owns your balls.

 

The other assumption is that once you get a girl a you'll think your “work” is done and you can FINALLY relax. This is BY FAR the most common thing that happens to shy guys who manage to find a girl and get a relationship.

 

They get the girl interested and then stop doing all the things they did that attracted her in the first place. Far more relationships get broken because the girl feels the guy starts to take her for granted and no longer does special things for her.

 

Mistake 5: They act indecisive instead of making a decision and leading the girl properly

 

This is by far the most common mistake. Under the guise of equality shy guys will act indecisive and make the girl make the decision. It's almost like they don't want to take responsibility for leading her because they're scared that she will not like his ideas.

 

How many times has a girl asked you “So what do you want to do?” and you’ve replied “I don’t know what do you want to do?” This may seem innocent to you, in fact you may think that you're doing this because you care about her, but what she sees is a man who is not strong enough to lead her and she gets frustrated.

 

Women absolutely hate it when guys act indecisive and can't make up their mind!

 

You see, underneath it all women are really looking for someone who will take charge and show them the way. This is your default role as a masculine man, to lead her confidently. When you act indecisive and hesitate to make a decision out of fear of her disapproval she perceives you as a weak feminine man.

 

The secret to leading women is to have multiple ideas in your head and suggest them to her. If she agrees then great, if she suggests something back then you can still make the final decision. If she’s undecided then it’s up to you to say “Ok, we’re going for a walk and we’ll grab a bite later” She’ll happily follow.

 

Women want strong, confident men who know how to lead. Why?

 

It shows that you have the necessary traits to be a survivor and she’ll rather be with a man who knows what he’s doing since it’s very likely that those traits will be transferred to their offspring and give the little ones a better chance for survival as well.

 

This is why you’ll need to come up with ideas that are beneficial to both you and her and then suggest them. Other times you’ll want to keep the plans secret and surprise her, but this is only for later on in the relationship.

 

Mistake 6: They hesitate and try to look for signals before approaching a girl or before asking her out

 

One of the trickiest things for a shy guy to deal with is figuring out if a girl is interested in him and trying to read her signs of interest. He’s looking for the green light that will tell him for sure that she is interested so he go and ask her out and not have to worry about her saying no.

 

There are several issues at play here. First of all is the idea that you have to read a woman’s signs before going in and asking her out. This idea comes from the many stories that women tell of guys asking her out when – in her mind – she is clearly not interested in them. She incorrectly assumes that the guy should be able to read her mind.

 

In her mind she's thinking that she wasn’t showing any signs of interest so he should have read these “signs” before approaching. There is some truth to that. You wouldn’t ask a girl out without first finding out if she’s the kind of person that you do want to date. In reality, you cannot possibly read her mind.

 

There is only one sure fire way to find out if a woman is interested. It's called compliance. What it means is that she's putting work towards getting to know you. She's doing her part of the equation. When you ask her out she says yes and she even volunteers her phone number or email. When you call her to set up a date she accepts and then she goes out with you.

 

If she's not doing her part in getting to know you, then she's either a spoiled brat who's used to men doing everything for her or she's not interested. Either way, you have a very clear indication and you can act accordingly. If you continue to put in effort while she's not cooperating she will lose interest in you.

 

There’s also another assumption that is understood but not verbalized that IF a girl is showing signs of being interested in you, then you should ask her out.

 

The hidden theme is that women make the choice and men then follow. She chooses you and then you should go for it, regardless of whether she's the right girl for you, because that’s the best you can do right now. There are many shy guys I know who say that the only action they get is from women who approach them.

 

While this may be true in the animal kingdom, where the male showcases his thing to impress the female and get her to choose him to mate with, I believe that you also have a choice. You should pick out the right girl for you from the pool of girls who are also interested in you. In the end it’s a mutual choice.

 

Mistake 7: They’re are too sexually timid and they misunderstand the sexual nature of women.

 

Shy guys tend to be too timid sexually. They don’t fully understand their own sexual nature and are not in touch with their masculinity.They’ve either bought into the idea that sex is wrong or that they have to be discreet about their sexual desire and hide them. Some shy guys are even ashamed of their sexual desires for women.

 

The other assumption shy guys make is that good women are not supposed to be sexually expressive, or even worse, they assume that women don't get horny and don’t like sex and the ones who do are not good women, they are sluts.

 

This is a HUGE sticking point that can derail your life in the bedroom even after you get married. It’s usually a result of social programming from a young age as a way to protect you so you don’t screw up early in life with things like pregnancy and disease.

 

If you’re one of those guys, the way to reverse this is to start to educate yourself on female sexuality. Read some books on it. Maybe even a romance novel so you can see if you can understand the psychology behind it.

 

Begin to realize that women are human beings like you and I and they also have urges. Remember that to procreate a man and a woman need to have sex. That’s why nature made us have urges.

 

Women are built to have many times the amount of pleasure than a man can. Can you imagine having an entire organ whose purpose is to experience pleasure? Having wave after wave of multiple orgasms for hours?

 

I know what it feels like because I used to have the same problem myself. It was like a big wall that I had to slowly take down bit by bit. It wasn’t easy, but with hard work in trying to understand my desires and through reading as much as I could on the subject of sexuality, I’ve achieved a level of understanding now that is light years ahead of where I was before.

 

I now understand that it’s hard for women too to express their sexuality as the society usually frowns and looks down upon the women who talk openly about it. Women fear the social stigma of the label “slut” more than anything!! When you understand this, you will understand how discretion on your part will bring you loads of women who are happy to enjoy sharing their body with you because they know you will not go around and tell all your friends about it.

 

If you have found any of the information presented here useful or insightful, I'd like to hear from you. I have created a short survey for you to help me help you by telling me what you want to learn. I would appreciate it if you can take 10-15 min out of your day to fill it out. You can find it here: https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=en&formkey=dHdjeWkydGZ5ZFJpU2tkdGVQdUdKQXc6MA

[stepka]

Thanks Eric, that was a very well written article and as a woman I would agree with just about everything you've written there.

[EricJames]

Thanks stepka. I would appreciate any feedback. And if you feel that this artcile really rhymes with you or you're a shy guy and want to learn more, please take 5 minutes to fill out the survey. You can find it here: https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=en&formkey=dHdjeWkydGZ5ZFJpU2tkdGVQdUdKQXc6MA

[threebyfate]

One sentence. Fear of rejection. Get rid of that and sky's the limit.

[AD1980]

Great post..

 

.I overanalyze everything im gonna say to a girl before i say it,i feel like im on a job interview and that one wrong line could ruin everything..

 

Plus i have that im not worthy or im out of that girls league syndrome..I feel im not all that attratcive so why would she be attracted to me..

 

Lasltly i just really fear rejection....I feel like if im at a bar club or social setting i overnalyze once again and if i get rejected i picture that girl going to her firends and laughing about me too them like "hey this unattracitve loser just hit on me and i said no"

 

I just hate recjetion it feels like the girls saying your not good enough for her physically and it hurts..I have to get over it i know this its just easier said then done..

[i'mfaraway]

EricJames, do you have an equivalent for shy girls?

[zhsoj]

Mistake 5: They act indecisive instead of making a decision and leading the girl properly

Eh, I'm fully capable of making decisions about where to go and what to do... But honestly there is a limit. Eventually I get bored and frustrated always deciding where we should go and what we should do.

[EricJames]

EricJames' date=' do you have an equivalent for shy girls?[/quote']

 

I wish but if you can PM me your situation I could put something together.

[AD1980]

Mistake 5: They act indecisive instead of making a decision and leading the girl properly

 

Eh, I'm fully capable of making decisions about where to go and what to do... But honestly there is a limit. Eventually I get bored and frustrated always deciding where we should go and what we should do.

 

I agree..Do women think theyre mentally incapable of leading or do they just not want to take responsibility of making decisions..

 

I thought relationships were suppsoed to be 50/50 not the man dictates every single thing

[BG1985]

Do you not like making decisions about where to go, fellow men? I rather like having that "burden." At least I'm getting to eat places and do things I enjoy.

[AD1980]

Do you not like making decisions about where to go, fellow men? I rather like having that "burden." At least I'm getting to eat places and do things I enjoy.

 

Sometimes youve had a long day and actually *gasp* run out of places to eat or to go at the moment or you just dotn care

 

i didnt know asking a women where she wants to go or eat is a sign of failure for a man or giving a women some amazing burden

[Skump]

I agree with #7 particularly: The biggest mistake shy guys make is hiding their own physicality. They auto-emasculate and thus repulse women.

 

I'm not saying you have to act like Don Juan, but lose some weight, unbutton that shirt, and when you're talking to a girl, look her in the eyes.

[BG1985]

AD1980- When you ask a women where she wants to eat or what she wants to do, it throws her into a total mind-f*ck. I've done it before, and it's like I had asked her to perform brain surgery. It starts with the, "I don't know." Then you start naming places, and she becomes even more confused and starts turning them down. Finally she asks you to rename some of the places you had already named and starts saying that she has to be in a certain mood for one of those places, then she'll usually settle on the first or second choice maybe. Then she resents you for putting her through such a mind-boggling task. It's a lot easier when you just have two or three choices in mind, just in case she actually turns down your first idea.

 

Let me add this: Have you ever been shopping with girls or women? Have you ever been around them while they're getting dressed to go out? They can never decide what they want to wear. When they ask your opinion, just give them something. It makes the process a whole lot easier.

Edited November 4, 2009 by BG1985

[bbf]

AD1980- When you ask a women where she wants to eat or what she wants to do, it throws her into a total mind-f*ck. I've done it before, and it's like I had asked her to perform brain surgery. It starts with the, "I don't know." Then you start naming places, and she becomes even more confused and starts turning them down. Finally she asks you to rename some of the places you had already named and starts saying that she has to be in a certain mood for one of those places, then she'll usually settle on the first or second choice maybe. Then she resents you for putting her through such a mind-boggling task. It's a lot easier when you just have two or three choices in mind, just in case she actually turns down your first idea.

 

Let me add this: Have you ever been shopping with girls or women? Have you ever been around them while they're getting dressed to go out? They can never decide what they want to wear. When they ask your opinion, just give them something. It makes the process a whole lot easier.

 

Have you ever thought about why this is? It's not that deciding on where to eat is that hard. It's that she doesn't want to feel responsible for the outcome, in case things don't turn out as planned. I'd say in general this is a lot more true of women than men. They're always looking to get consensus, getting everyone's opinion first, and letting everyone be involved in the decision making process. This way the responsibility is spread out and everyone can share in the success or failure together, and social harmony is maintained.

 

I like how you say just give them something. It's kind of true. As long as you don't say "whatever you want". Women are used to helping each other carry the burden of making a decision, for them it's being considerate. Guys think okay, I made all the decisions on the last date, now it's your turn. For guys equality means taking turns of leadership. Women don't operate that way, and they'll never be comfortable taking on 100% of the responsibility. For women equality means coming to a consensus.

 

So it's not that you have to make all the decisions, although some girls appreciate that. Actually the more a girl likes you, the more she'll want you to lead. But I think if you can just say a few things so it seems like you're participating in the decision making process, it'll make women happy.

[AD1980]

AD1980- When you ask a women where she wants to eat or what she wants to do, it throws her into a total mind-f*ck. I've done it before, and it's like I had asked her to perform brain surgery. It starts with the, "I don't know." Then you start naming places, and she becomes even more confused and starts turning them down. Finally she asks you to rename some of the places you had already named and starts saying that she has to be in a certain mood for one of those places, then she'll usually settle on the first or second choice maybe. Then she resents you for putting her through such a mind-boggling task. It's a lot easier when you just have two or three choices in mind, just in case she actually turns down your first idea.

 

Let me add this: Have you ever been shopping with girls or women? Have you ever been around them while they're getting dressed to go out? They can never decide what they want to wear. When they ask your opinion, just give them something. It makes the process a whole lot easier.

 

I hear what youre saying..I just think its a little much if a women thinks a man isnt a man because he actually asks you your opinnion on something..

 

But women have ot oveanalzye and psycho analyze everything we do

[AD1980]

Have you ever thought about why this is? It's not that deciding on where to eat is that hard. It's that she doesn't want to feel responsible for the outcome, in case things don't turn out as planned. .

 

Exactly..They hide behind the well i want a man to be a man and be a leader when its more like they dont want to be blamed if theyre decison goes wrong and they can bitch about it if you send em to the wrong place..

[Art_Critic]

Mistake 1: They try to get the girl interested in them

 

Mistake 2: They focus too much on trying to say the right thing to impress the girl.

 

Mistake 3: They underestimate their own value while overestimating the girl’s value. They don’t think they’re good enough to attract really hot women

 

Mistake 4: They think that once they get the girl, everything will be ok. They will finally be happy and their life will no longer be boring

 

Mistake 5: They act indecisive instead of making a decision and leading the girl properly

 

Mistake 6: They hesitate and try to look for signals before approaching a girl or before asking her out

 

Mistake 7: They’re are too sexually timid and they misunderstand the sexual nature of women.

 

Self confidence fixes 7 of those 7 mistakes.

 

I don't think it is really about shyness as much as someone who has low self confidence.

 

I'm generally shy.. but I never really had any problems with having women in my life to date..

With me I learned to work around my shyness by putting my humor more in the forefront of showing a person who I was in the beginning.

Show a woman you are funny and you will get a date.. the reason is simple..

She knows if she goes out with a funny humorous guy that she will have fun and dating is about having fun...

[Art_Critic]

But women have ot oveanalzye and psycho analyze everything we do

 

Yet you are on a web forum psycho analyzing and over analyzing women, the things they do and dating

[threebyfate]

Self confidence fixes 7 of those 7 mistakes.

 

I don't think it is really about shyness as much as someone who has low self confidence.

 

I'm generally shy.. but I never really had any problems with having women in my life to date..

With me I learned to work around my shyness by putting my humor more in the forefront of showing a person who I was in the beginning.

Show a woman you are funny and you will get a date.. the reason is simple..

She knows if she goes out with a funny humorous guy that she will have fun and dating is about having fun...

 

Yet you are on a web forum psycho analyzing and over analyzing women, the things they do and dating

This is exactly it!!

 

Are you listening, gentlemen? Forget all this new-aged fancy, manipulative, psychotic, misogynistic, fear, dislike and distrust of women, crap. Dating is so very simple, albeit it takes time to find someone compatible.

 

People spend way too much time internalizing everything.

[bac]

There is one more mistake. That is when a man thinks that he may know stuff of what females experience sexually. There is no way that you can get this information unless you are very credulous to what your partner says or what you read in books. IMHO a partner or a book would say you what you want to hear to boost your fantasies and manhood.

[BG1985]

Exactly..They hide behind the well i want a man to be a man and be a leader when its more like they dont want to be blamed if theyre decison goes wrong and they can bitch about it if you send em to the wrong place..

 

No. Women, by nature, are typically indecisive. Men tend to be a little more decisive. Women want a guy who is a real man, e.g. someone who can make decisions. They don't want to date other women. Now if the woman particularly likes the decision you've made in terms of restaurants or dates in general, she will think you're quite a guy and will usually be more attracted to you. Just man up and make a decision.

[AD1980]

Yet you are on a web forum psycho analyzing and over analyzing women, the things they do and dating

 

lol fair point

[AD1980]

No. Women, by nature, are typically indecisive. Men tend to be a little more decisive. Women want a guy who is a real man, e.g. someone who can make decisions. They don't want to date other women. Now if the woman particularly likes the decision you've made in terms of restaurants or dates in general, she will think you're quite a guy and will usually be more attracted to you. Just man up and make a decision.

 

By nature theyre typical indecisive?

 

That makes no sense..Its laziness and fear of taking repsoniblity..

 

How about if theyres nights i really dont have an idea where i want to eat or go? That somehow makes me less of a man??

[BG1985]

This laziness and fear of taking responsibility you write of is what makes them indecisive. But that doesn't matter; what does matter is the fact that they are indecisive. If you really don't know what you want to do, you're not automatically less of a man. But when it comes down to it, just make a damn decision. Go somewhere you know the girl likes. If this is the beginning of the dating phase, you should have places in mind every time you go out. Down the road when you're in an established relationship, it's okay to ask the girl what she wants. But you should always have something in mind in this event. Men are expected to take initiative in all aspects of life.