Confused728 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I know NC is for healing and moving on and thats what many of us are doing... But what gives u the better chance on having them come back Complete NC, Meaning no contact at all text, calls emails Nothing, or being freinds and having some contact... what are the pros and cons for each?
McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 ive been in some contact for the last 2 months and i have hardly moved on. if you want to heal then go NC. if you want to prolong something, i dont know what, pain and confusion? hope and breadcrumbs? then go LC and stay cordial. i did and it hurt more because there is nothing like having a convo with someone who you love and they are treating you like an old friend. fun!
Author Confused728 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 does it keep them hooked to though when you talk or are they able to move on with you still in their life?
McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 i could say my ex was not hooked at all. she was indifferent and kinda seemed to want to get off the phone with me. texts and emails are different and are often short and to the point. she still picked up though...which was interesting and some of her replies showed interest. idk.
USMCHokie Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Tough love coming up...either method will fail if you approach the whole situation with the goal of having them come back...because you'll miss the entire point of NC...regaining yourself...healing...moving on...all those magic words and phrases... None of that can happen until you finally accept that there is no getting them back and approach your life with that attitude...hey, it might happen that they come back, and it might not...you just don't know that...and to be honest, you shouldn't care...don't focus on the past or the future...only the present...and you'll approach each day knowing that it's over and you're doing your best to make yourself just a little bit better as an individual, until you're back to 100% and ready to have someone new in your life again... So don't do NC or friendship with the goal of getting them back...neither will work...
Eisenhower Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I agree with Hokie - NC is primarily about you, not them. I tried being "friends" and like McGrupp said, it's not real - they act different, on guard, and it's as painful or more painful than no contact. Especially when you find out they're dating someone else - that's the absolute worst. I've tried it both ways, and both ways hurt, but NC is about moving on. LC or "friendship" with someone you're still in love with is nothing more than masochism. Eisenhower
lilbelle Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 nc is for you, not for them. its a way to get away from the hurt and heal. believe me we all wish that there was some magical way to get them back but there is not. time heals all wounds. i personally don't want any contact right now. my heart is so shredded that contact would make it unbearable. he initiated the nc so i will abide. consider it a test of will at this point. i did finally unblock him from fb but i'm not updating anything and hopefully he will wonder what the hell the silence is all about.
ShriekingViolet Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 The best way to get them back is to not try to get them back! Take some no contact time, then if you still think getting back is what you want ask to meet for coffee or something, test the water and see how things go from there! I got back with my ex (briefly, it ended in tears because he is in a very bad place in his life and has to focus on himself) Things with us ended badly to say the least! I simply let him know I still cared for him and made it clear I enjoyed spending time with him as a friend. I would text him and say something like "Its a sunny day, I'm in the park with my book and you're welcome to join me." And we would turn up with a slice of cake for me! A few weeks after I let him know how I felt he turned to me and told him he'd dumped his new girlfriend (the one we'd argued about) because he still loved me!
ShriekingViolet Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I've tried it both ways, and both ways hurt, but NC is about moving on. LC or "friendship" with someone you're still in love with is nothing more than masochism. How so? :S
Miss Clavel Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 hands down No Contact. it gives you both time to think about what you really want with out the other one manipulating the decision. i use it, frankly, so he will miss me and come around. and if he doesn't, which at this point might be a good thing, then i have used those 90 days to work the cure on myself. i can quit just about anything in 90 days. good luck.
Author Confused728 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 well he text me today after a month of NC, he simply said "Good morning, hope all is well with you :)" what do you think this means, i havent answered. what should i do?
HeavenOrHell Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 My ex left me after 18 years in July, due to my being so busy the last couple of years, felt very neglected. We have met up every week and are close friends, and in some ways it is lovely, we still care very much for each other and he said he needs me, we enjoy our time together, but it is also TORTURE, wanting to hold his hand, hug him etc etc, it does your head in! I have decided on NC now, but it is horrible cos I so want to be with him, he has made it clear he wants to be in touch but he respects my decision. I think rebuilding from friendship can work for some people, it all depends on the individuals involved, I also think NC can make your ex miss you enough to realise they want you back. NC worked for me in the past. BUT I agree that neither will necessarily work and NC has to be done for the purpose of letting go and moving on.
threebyfate Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Look, people break up for a reason(s). Unless that reason(s) is gone, getting back together is a losing proposition. NO ONE breaks up if they're committed to you or the relationship. They try to work through issues and if it's a viable relationship, actually come to and stick to, resolutions. With this in mind, neither is worthwhile. IF after reading this, you still want to get back together again, put the ball in their court. Without begging or pleading, tell them how you feel and what you're looking for, and then stop contact with the understanding that if they're going to contact you again, it means they want back. In the interim, shore up your strength. Start working on moving on, since more often than not, they won't come back or if they do, it's just to jack with you for ego sakes and because they do miss the connection but not enough to want back. That's why if they contact you, you don't beat around the bush. Ask right up front what they want from you. And if they're ambiguous about it, stop contact again and keep on moving on.
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 The cold hard truth is that nothing gives you a real great chance for getting them back. Your best bet is to focus on moving on from them, and living your life as though they arent coming back. NC is really your only bet. You cant help but wonder and over analyze when youre around them all the time. You need time and space to clear your head and get over everything. Friendship isnt possible, and LC is a waste of time. Cut it off at once, deal with the pain, and move on. Anything else is just prolonging your agony. i use it, frankly, so he will miss me and come around. No offense, but this will lead to dissapointment and further heartbreak almost everytime. You are mis-using it. Its not so anyone misses you and comes around, you cant control those things, and they may never happen. and if he doesn't, which at this point might be a good thing, then i have used those 90 days to work the cure on myself. i can quit just about anything in 90 days. Just curious, where does the 90 days come from? You should plan on being NC forever, indefinitely. 90 sounds like its part of a gimick, or some 'get back your ex' strategy.
name witheld Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 i've used LC and NC before with mixed success. Depends on the situation and depends on the people. I agree with pretty much what everyone has said though, you just have to take what you agree with and figure out how to apply it to your situation. I'm in NC now after trying LC and it failed. It was tough on me at times, but when things were progressing it wasn't so bad. NC or LC, in both cases for it to work the other person has to want it too. In the meantime if you can work out what went wrong and take time to work on yourself (happiness, gym etc) then it will go a long way to getting the other person closer to wanting you back (if its meant to be) or get you closer to closure (if its not). After a while of LC you will either get back together or you will get so worn down that NC will become the only option. LC has the advantage that it allows you to maintain communication and that can be helpful if its to be repaired. Big risk though as it may push them further away if its not the right option. Plus the pain of being around them and not being with them as others have said. I would say that if you had shown not enough attention or cheated then try LC. And try it slowly. Let her come to you, don't be the one doing all the running. If communication between you increases and you start meeting then you have a chance. Don't be pushy and don't bring up the relationship. NC gives both of you space and distance to think. it is tough because you wonder what the other person is doing, especially if you are considering negotiating. But it is a lot easier to decide what to do...because effectively you do nothing! Ok so you heal and work on yourself but I mean in relation to her. Unless contact is broken, then you have to approach in similar to LC. Either way if it doesn't work out NC is inevetible.
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