maleficentdude Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Hey, people. My name's Seth, and this is my first time posting here, so take it easy on me, haha. But seriously, if you've got advice and it might hurt my feelings, go ahead and dish it out--- I'm willing to take it if it's productive and makes sense. I consider myself a good guy--- I would never intentionally hurt anyone and I always try to help others whenever I can. But I have had terrible dating experiences since I came out of the closet a year ago (yeah, I'm gay, so if you've got a problem with it, just please don't comment). In the past year, I've dated about ten guys. None of them have led to a relationship, and I'm always the one who gets dumped/rejected. The last guy I dated stopped talking to me all of a sudden, even though we hit it off and got along great. When I confronted him about it, he told me that I came on too strong and freaked him out. I have a feeling that other guys have felt this about me and those others just haven't had the balls to tell me. I do have a problem with communication. I feel like if a guy doesn't text me back right away or text me first, he's not that interested. Even if we've only just started dating or getting to know one another. I need to be in constant contact with a guy, even if it's just in the beginning stages. Is this normal or needy? Maybe I really do come off too strong. I'm terrified of ending up alone and want to be in a relationship really badly, and I think guys can sense that about me. Is there any way I can overcome this insecurity/codependency/coming-on-too-strong? I want to be happy and find someone, but I don't think I can if I keep doing the things I've been doing. A few friends have suggested I just take a break from dating for six months and try to learn to be happy on my own. But I don't know if I can do that or if that's even the right thing to do.
boogieboy Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 You have to conciously stop yourself from thinking you NEED to hear from this person. You are extremely needy. There is no easy way to do it, you just have to resist. Its painful at first, but its empowering when you see how well it works. You cant be demanding constant communication from new dates. That is an instant turnoff. They see you as needy and run for the hills, because they know it only gets exponentially worse. You get too emotionally invested too soon, and feel that you need to hear from a new date as much as possible. Let them contact you at their pace and try to take things easy. You have to remember that they like you, but you dont NEED to hear from them unless they want to hear from you. Make new friends, or hobbies, or just have some kind of distractions to keep you from thinking of the date all of the time. Dont focus on them. Focus on you. You also dont NEED a relationship, you just want one. So calm down, and dont convince yourself that you NEED someone else in your life.
Author maleficentdude Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 You get too emotionally invested too soon, and feel that you need to hear from a new date as much as possible. Let them contact you at their pace and try to take things easy. You have to remember that they like you, but you dont NEED to hear from them unless they want to hear from you. QUOTE] So, when I start talking to/dating someone, how often should I talk to that person when we're not face-to-face? As in texting or talking on the phone? I mean, is there a certain point where it becomes TOO much communication?
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I dont think there is a 'perfect' amount of contact early on, but my best advice is to limit it as much as possible. If you have a date on Friday, and youve been texting/talking to the guy all week, you probably arent going to have much to talk about when Friday rolls around. Let him miss you, let him develope some curiousity about what youre doing, bring him into your world slowly. The problem with falling hard and fast, and needing reassurances that everything is ok, is that it comes off as annoying to someone you really dont know. And if its a sign of things to come (which is what most people will take it as), you arent going to find too many people who want to stick around. The first thing you need to do, though, is work on being ok being alone. This doesnt mean you lock yourself in a bomb shelter and never see the light of day, but you also dont need someone around you at all times to validate your life. There is nothing wrong with being single, and you should enjoy whatever personal time you have. Even if you have a relationship, its important to take care of yourself, and understand that its ok to be alone. I think your problem stems from some sort of abandoment issue, would you agree?
Author maleficentdude Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 I think your problem stems from some sort of abandoment issue, would you agree? Maybe. The first guy I ever dated, I was still in the closet when we first got together. I felt secure and safe with him, because he told me not to be ashamed of who I was (since I'd been told all my life that homosexuals go to hell, which is why I never came out before). And he told me that he wanted to be with me and help me get through all that stuff. And then a few days later, he told me that he had a boyfriend and wanted to stay with him. So of course I was devastated, because I'd finally found someone who understood me and seemed to accept me and appreciate me for who I really was. And then he was just gone. But I foolishly kept fooling around with him even though he stayed with his boyfriend, and I let him rule my life for fear of him leaving me and never looking back. It may have all started out with this relationship, if you can even call it that. I come from a good family, so it probably couldn't be abandonment issues from that... unless you count my father, who never wanted much to do with me after my parents divorced when I was five. I still saw him every week and every weekend, but he wasn't really a father to me.
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