emotional affair

[catodc09]

I am in a nearly 4-year relationship with my boyfriend (our 4 year anniversary would be in January), and I've recently realized that I am in an emotional affair with a co-worker. My boyfriend and I have been living together for nearly 3 years, and have generally had a good relationship together. When we got together he was just out of undergrad and I had a year left. Since we've been together he's gone back to grad school for one masters, and is actually currently working on his second masters. I am in my first term of grad school.

 

When I first became aware of this emotional affair with my co-worker, the first thing I did was ask what was wrong in my current relationship. The answers I have come up with are that I want to be living up my early twenties more than him -- I want to go out with friends and do fun things in my spare time. He's really a homebody and would much rather relax at home. That means that we're spending a lot less time together, and when he comes out with me I feel like I'm forcing him. This takes away from the fun that I would like to be having. The other major concern I have is financial. He has lots of student loan debt with no real plan for payment, and his current employment track is not one that makes for financial stability. I am also incurring student loan debt, but have a solid plan for repayment. His financial instability makes me really nervous about continuing to build a life together. Is this selfish???? Also, intimacy has been an issue for several months. When we are intimate, it is not passionate, and I have been intimate more out of obligation than other reasons...

 

So, the crush. He and I work together and the crush came out of nowhere for me. I've had other little crushes while in this relationship, but they've been really minor and went away quickly. I have recognized this crush for over two months now, and it just keeps getting more intense. I look forward to going to work more than being home with my boyfriend, because I know I'll see my crush. He and I get lunch together and are in a group of friends who go out after work for drinks regularly. If I take him out of my life, I take them out of my life as well. I'm not sure I'm willing to do that.

 

He is technically higher-ranking than me. Even if I were single, we could not make anything of this crush because it could possibly damage his reputation at work to be dating me. He and I have not discussed the connection we have, so that last sentence is an assumption I've made -- it helps me feel better to look at this objectively. I realize that this crush, no matter how nice it feels when I'm with him, is a symptom of issues with my current relationship. My question is this -- I'm not married to my boyfriend and we're not likely to get married in the next couple of years because we're in school. At what point are these issues in my relationship something I need to wade through and try to fix, or are they too far gone? None of the advice out there that I found fit my situation. Most people are married when they experience the emotional affair, so they have more of an obligation to stay in the relationship than I do. We live together, so division of furniture, etc. would be an issue, but we haven't joined finances or anything. I have enjoyed my time with my boyfriend, and truly love him as a person, but I can't tell if the relationship is dead or just needs help.

 

I've talked to a couple close friends, but they've just given me the "you have to figure it out for yourself" advice...

 

Any help is greatly appreciated!!!

Edited November 4, 2009 by catodc09

[fooled once]

I am in a nearly 4-year relationship with my boyfriend (our 4 year anniversary would be in January), and I've recently realized that I am in an emotional affair with a co-worker. My boyfriend and I have been living together for nearly 3 years, and have generally had a good relationship together. When we got together he was just out of undergrad and I had a year left. Since we've been together he's gone back to grad school for one masters, and is actually currently working on his second masters. I am in my first term of grad school.

 

When I first became aware of this emotional affair with my co-worker, the first thing I did was ask what was wrong in my current relationship. The answers I have come up with are that I want to be living up my early twenties more than him -- I want to go out with friends and do fun things in my spare time. He's really a homebody and would much rather relax at home. That means that we're spending a lot less time together, and when he comes out with me I feel like I'm forcing him. This takes away from the fun that I would like to be having. The other major concern I have is financial. He has lots of student loan debt with no real plan for payment, and his current employment track is not one that makes for financial stability. I am also incurring student loan debt, but have a solid plan for repayment. His financial instability makes me really nervous about continuing to build a life together. Is this selfish???? Also, intimacy has been an issue for several months. When we are intimate, it is not passionate, and I have been intimate more out of obligation than other reasons...

 

So, the crush. He and I work together and the crush came out of nowhere for me. I've had other little crushes while in this relationship, but they've been really minor and went away quickly. I have recognized this crush for over two months now, and it just keeps getting more intense. I look forward to going to work more than being home with my boyfriend, because I know I'll see my crush. He and I get lunch together and are in a group of friends who go out after work for drinks regularly. If I take him out of my life, I take them out of my life as well. I'm not sure I'm willing to do that.

 

He is technically higher-ranking than me. Even if I were single, we could not make anything of this crush because it could possibly damage his reputation at work to be dating me. He and I have not discussed the connection we have, so that last sentence is an assumption I've made -- it helps me feel better to look at this objectively. I realize that this crush, no matter how nice it feels when I'm with him, is a symptom of issues with my current relationship. My question is this -- I'm not married to my boyfriend and we're not likely to get married in the next couple of years because we're in school. At what point are these issues in my relationship something I need to wade through and try to fix, or are they too far gone? None of the advice out there that I found fit my situation. Most people are married when they experience the emotional affair, so they have more of an obligation to stay in the relationship than I do. We live together, so division of furniture, etc. would be an issue, but we haven't joined finances or anything. I have enjoyed my time with my boyfriend, and truly love him as a person, but I can't tell if the relationship is dead or just needs help.

 

I've talked to a couple close friends, but they've just given me the "you have to figure it out for yourself" advice...

 

Any help is greatly appreciated!!!

 

Welcome!!

 

The good thing is you are not married yet. And the second good thing is you are really taking a look at you to see what it is that is missing and instead of blaming him for your wandering mind you are really trying to figure it out.

 

I am very impressed!!

 

Financial security - especially in a marriage - is important. I totally understand not wanting to spend the next 10+ years living on such a restricted budget so as to not even be living.

 

You are young. You aren't married.

 

Maybe it is best to take some time to be on your own and figure out what you want. Maybe talk to the boyfriend and find out just exactly what his plans are for the next 5 years.

 

You need to make the best decision FOR YOU because you aren't married.

 

I don't know what to tell you except I wish you the best of luck in finding out what you want to do. We are here for you to bounce ideas off or get advice.

[buddykool]

Move out... and get your own place. It seems like you maybe be settling a bit. Love isn't the only requirement for a relationship... if he's not compatible with you socially and has significant issues that keep you from taking the next step... you probably need time apart. Trust me when I say you'll regret not taking the time.. 10 years from now when the money issues are the same, he's still a homebody and you have a family, house, etc. Don't leave him for your co-worker though. You sound like you just need time alone to figure out what you want.