Angry and jealous over a friendship.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Just so there's no confusion, both my friend and I are male and gay.

 

I'm asking this because I know I am in the wrong, and I need to move forward to salvage a friendship. This is the situation.

 

I have a very close friend, we'll call him "Joe." We've known each other for 2 years, and have grown to respect and trust each other. He is not someone who shares emotions easily, but he does with me. His hopes, fears, regrets, secrets - he shares them all with me. I know things about him that no one else does, even people who've known him for 30 years. I'm honored to have his trust, but there is a problem.

 

We love each other, but the love is different. Mine is romantic, his is not. Since he has trouble opening up, all of his relationships have been purely physical, and often just one-night stands. He has recently expressed regret about this and has considered trying to live his life differently. I've done everything I can to be supportive of him. But it's getting very difficult.

 

A new guy has joined our group of friends. We don't know him well, but he's good looking in a "Ken doll", impeccably-groomed, perfect hair/teeth/clothes sort of way. He's nice enough, but that's all. Nothing really special that I can see, he doesn't really talk about his life at all.

 

Here's the rub, Joe has developed feelings for him - and not just lust. I don't understand this. When this new guy comes into the room, my friend Joe just fawns over him like he's the greatest thing ever, always telling me how nice, how good looking, how wonderful this guy is.

 

The jealousy and anger comes from feeling that Joe thinks this guy is "better" than me because of his looks. I have been his closest companion for 2 years, and when he finally decides to give up sleeping around and actually try something more meaningful, I'm not good enough? I feel like he must think I'm too ugly, too fat, too dumb, that my clothes are not as fancy as this new guy's.

 

I don't understand. This new guy has never said or done ANYTHING remarkable, and they've never spent anytime together without me there, so it's not like I'm missing something. It's not the physical attraction that bothers me, I'm used to him sleeping around, it's the fact that when he finally realizes there's something better out there - he doesn't give me a second thought, it's just the first skinny, pretty boy who shows up.

 

I feel used. It feels like my friendship is not that important, because he's looking for someone MORE important than me in his life, trying to replace me. Him being with someone wouldn't end the friendship we have, but it would certainly not be as close. It's natural for one's significant other to be one's closest confidante. So what happens to me? I feel like I've wasted two years being there for someone who apparently thinks this new guy is more worthy of his love.

 

I know this is probably not the way it really is, so I need some strategies to move forward. I do not want to end the friendship. I can't go on burning with anger and hurt anytime I see Joe or this new "friend" of "ours." Joe has been such a good friend to me, and this other guy has never done anything against me, in fact, he's very friendly with me. He's told people I'm very friendly and hilariously funny.

 

How can I get past this anger, hurt and pain? Besides feeling jealous, I feel insulted. Insulted that his good looks mean he has the opportunity to be closer to Joe than I am. This is not fair to EITHER of them. I am the one in the wrong. Any ideas of a healthy way to get through this without ditching a dear friend I love, and who loves me?

 

Telling Joe is not an option. He would be uncomfortable and either drop the new guy to save our friendship, which isn't fair to him, or get emotionally overwhelmed and back away from me. That's how he is.

 

I know this is my responsibility - but I'm not sure what to do.

Edited November 4, 2009 by TooShyToSayHi

[WTRanger]

Any relationship, whether platonic or romantic cannot survive on silence. If you cannot tell him how you really feel, then there really never was a friendship to begin with.

 

Why are you trying to save this "friendship"? So you can keep pining after Joe, whom you may never get? Are you secretly hoping that Joe will all of a sudden fall for you? Having these cards up your sleeves kind of dealing is not the sign of a true friendship. You've never had a problem with his sleeping around because it was always 100% a physical thing. You were his emotional link and now that the link is in danger, the jealousy gremlins are coming out to play. They must be dealt with and they feed on silence. The only thing that can truly get rid of these nasty gremlins is an open line of communication.

 

You must choose as well. You can either be friends or you can be dating. There is no middle ground.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Actually, I did tell him I had feelings for him a year ago. He said he cherished our friendship but he's "not looking for a committed relationship." Then went on about how it's not me it's just not what he wants.

 

That's where the hurt comes in, now he is looking for one, and I don't even cross his mind. That's why it feels like this guy is "more worthy" of his romantic love because he's better looking. I wasn't even physically attracted to Joe at first, he's not my usual type, but we connected right away. I grew to find him absolutely beautiful because of his heart, because of who he is. Types aren't set in stone - at least I didn't think so. It feels like this new guy has the opportunity to go to a deeper level than the close bond Joe and I have, and the only reason is because he fits a "type."

 

It's not that I "didn't mind" him sleeping around, it bothered me, but I learned to accept it. It didn't threaten what we had. He didn't want to sleep with me, so these other guys were not a threat. But if he's looking for an emotional bond with someone, then that DOES threaten the friendship. My love for him just isn't enough in his eyes - that's how it feels. A romantic relationship is always going to be closer emotionally (as well as physically) than even the closest of platonic friendships.

 

In our friendship circle there was a lot of backstabbing, and those people are (thankfully) gone. There's only a few of us. I don't have many people to turn to, now the realization that the person that means the most to me feels someone else is more worthy of his affection scares me. There aren't many people I trust, and the rest are all coupled. He's the only single close friend I have, now I'm about to lose that. It all sounds very petty, I know. But losing your best friend to some skinny little Ken doll with no real personality, who he really knows nothing about hurts - BAD. Joe always tells me I'll meet someone because I'm such a "wonderful, funny, attractive man." Not attractive enough, it seems.

 

Thank you for your reply, it gave me much to think about.

Edited November 4, 2009 by TooShyToSayHi

[WTRanger]

This jealousy is killing your friendship. If you really saw him as a friend, you would be happy for him that he finally might have found someone he can be with for more than a one night stand. You would not be afraid of losing him, as you would be aware that one needs to shift responsibilities when entering a relationship a little. I'm not saying he should drop off the Earth, but his time will have to be shifted a bit more over to the relationship.

 

I won't make light of how hard this is. You've got romantic feelings for someone who has feelings for someone else. But, see, you can only control you. You have the power to get over these feelings and be happy for your friend. Why would a new person threaten the friendship? You can't expect him to be exclusive friends with you, can you? Is that being a virtuous friend? What if the roles were reversed? What if someone fancied your eye and Joe was getting all jealous? What would you say to him?

 

To truly understand what someone is going through, you must walk a mile in their shoes.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thank you again. Again, much to think about. This is actually less about jealousy and more about my own low self-esteem, indicated by my inner dialogue about him not think I'm "good enough" to love romantically.

 

I want to be happy for him, I really do, but it's hard to be happy for someone who is saying through actions, even if they don't mean too, "I've found someone I can trust as much as you, but they're better looking so I'll be with them." At least, that's how his pining for this guy seems.

 

Well if the roles were reversed, I would tell him that I waited for him, and he indicated he did not feel this way about me. I wouldn't simply toss him aside in favor of someone who was all looks and nothing else (as far as we know, neither of us knows anything about him) as this "friend of ours" is. I shown my love and support and care, and he's accepted it, but my love was not enough to counter someone good looking.

 

I don't expect him to be exclusively friends with me. We both have many other friends, many of them mutual. But if he were in a relationship, that person would take my place as confidante. They'd be what I was to him, plus the physical affection that he apparently doesn't think I'm worthy of. It would be like being friends with me, but with extra perks, all in one package. He wouldn't need me at all.

 

It's not just jealousy, it's hurt and feeling insulted that someone is (potentially) more valued than I, but they've never earned it, just showed up with a pretty face.

 

But, everything you say is true. It is MY problem, and I have to be the one to resolve these feelings, before the friendship has to end because I can't deal.

 

I realize I sound like a petulant child throwing my toys out of the pram. I just decided it was better for me to let the emotions come and get them out in a safe place rather than bottling them up and risk them blowing up in the wrong venue.

Edited November 4, 2009 by TooShyToSayHi

[WTRanger]

I'm glad you are realizing that you need to vent before you explode in the wrong place and the wrong time. That shows you are at least aware of the situation. Its hard, this situation is very taxing on your emotions. But all you have to do is take control of your mind. Your mind is set to think negative, as is all of our brains. Our Ego's love problems and hate solutions.

 

Just remember that there is nothing you can do to make him see you the way you see him. Its not your fault and its not his fault. Things like that happen. It sucks, but it happens. The only thing you can control is you. Everything inside your skin is within your control and everything outside of your skin is beyond your control. The future may hold something different for the two of you, but right now is the present.

 

Focus on you. Focus on finding someone who will care for you on that level. When you do find that person, and you will, this friendship may be able to continue on as it is supposed to be.

[LevelHeaded]

TooShyToSayHi, just wanted you to know that I have been in the exact situation as you this past year. I'm still struggling with it. My friend is no longer in that relationship, but anytime I feel like someone else is getting emotionally close, I get very jealous. Let me know if you want to talk more.