JL911 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Been seeing my current gf for like 2 months now...I have developed very strong feelings for her and we have seen a lot of one another over this time span, I feel she could possibly be someone I would like to get very serious with and grow with and see where things go. I decided to kinda come clean with my thoughts and current feelings for her and let her know what my intentions are at this point. She has a bit of a problem with opening up to people and trusting them she said a lot of friends have kinda stuck her in the back over the years and they were supposidly close...I have avoided the issue like the plague, but the other night I could no longer hold in the feelings I have been developing for her came out very nicely and sweet and told her that she is becoming very special to me. I told her if that scares her I am sorry, but I cannot possibly go hold it in any longer. I thought it was a nice gesture and just a small step in what I thought was the direction I want this to be headed. I guess I was expecting a similar response, but i got something a bit different than expected... She told me it was nice to know how I feel and it does scare her a bit. I asked if she was scared of getting hurt, or scared because she might be feeling the same way I am. She said both...She mentioned about her close friends stabbing her in the back and said no offence to you, but how do I know you wont do the same. She doesnt like to open up and doesnt like to feel vulnerable or putting herself at risk of being hurt. After telling her I had no intentions of hurting her and feel I am in this for the right reasons, she countered me by saying no one ever has those intentions but these things happen....I told her I am not going anywhere, and I know what I am capable of and know what I want in life. I have been demolished by a few long term relationships in the past, but I realize that the only way to make it work is to take a chance and put myself out there to either be loved unconditionally or rejected. I just felt I was at a point where there were a few things I needed to say, and she needed to hear... I really kinda regret opening up to her somewhat, but I had to do it and felt it was necessary for my own sanity. But now how do I go about overcoming this obsticle now with this person who I have been building such strong feelings for? How am I ever going to build a loving trusting relationship with her if everytime I try to make a a small step in growing our relationship I feel like I step back. How do I show her I can be trusted?, how can I show her I am worth the risk?
torranceshipman Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You sound like you have a great attitude: whether it works out, or not, with this girl, never lose that good honest attitude of yours! Now the onus isn't on you to prove anything to her. You've been upfront and honest and you don't need to do anything more than that - she can see what kind of a guy you are - but she's making noises that she is a bit commitment phobic. Maybe she has trust issues and she can work these out, but maybe she is just plain commitment phobic. Whichever it is, just make sure you are giving her opportunity to prove to YOU that she is a good catch, just like you are consistently doing a good job of proving the same to her. You can be understanding to a point but she needs to reciprocate and make you feel good in this R, and if she doesn't, its time for you to reevaluate...
Lovegod Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You really don't get it. Women don't like it when their men become emotional bags of molten sugar. Sure, sugar is sweet, but when it's a molten mess, it's disgusting. You didn't need to barf your feelings into her ear. Women don't need to hear that you have "strong feelings". So how do you express yourself? Your actions. Take her in your arms, cover her in kisses, make love to her. Let her know that her as a feminine being attracts you like the wild animal that you are. THAT is how you tell a woman how you feel, not this yucky girly talk.
torranceshipman Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hey...what you said was awesome. A decent girl is going to love what you said - but a flaky commitment phobic one? That kind of girl won't appreciate anything..
Lovegod Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 A decent girl is going to love what you said Let the record stand that there are NO decent women out there.
Author JL911 Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 All I said is she is becoming special to me I didnt sugar coat it...It was more like look, I like you a lot...that was all...It was during a romantic moment...It just kinda came out, and yea I am glad it did... Im a strong man and very comfortable with my emotions and expressing them both good or bad. Things were said back and forth that I feel both of us needed to hear. She said she feels similar to me but is scared, and honestly Im scared too. Im not going to put up a front or hold back because thats not me. I dont think shes commitment phobic, and yes I do believe that she does have genuine feelings for me. I do believe that shes just dated some real losers and jerks in the past who have probaly hurt her a bit and that history of her past relationships with guys and friends is kinda keeping her from opening up to me. I dunno...Maybe I'll just avoid the sweet talk and just resort back to all actions instead...As a man though, sometimes ya know you just want to hear how they are feeling so at times you gota throw out these little feelers if your not getting much feedback.
Lovegod Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 As a man though, sometimes ya know you just want to hear how they are feeling so at times you gota throw out these little feelers if your not getting much feedback. If you're not getting any obvious feedback, she doesn't like you very much. If she's not touching you, not kissing you, not doing things for you, and not having sex with you, then you shouldn't be pursuing this relationship.
Author JL911 Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 If you're not getting any obvious feedback, she doesn't like you very much. If she's not touching you, not kissing you, not doing things for you, and not having sex with you, then you shouldn't be pursuing this relationship. All of that is happening and happens quite regularly...Maybe I just thought the gesture of words to her would have gone over better than it did...I think maybe I over thought the situation a bit and should have bit my tounge...It just happened. But I didnt, and did say a few things to her...so what is the next course of action? Where can I go from here...I cant tell her I reget those words, simply because I do not, or say I shouldnt have said them, nor can I take them back. Everyone keeps saying communication is key....I was just trying to be open and communicate to her what I was feeling and what I want. I guess maybe my feelings are out there now, and I should just let it be... It is now known to her how I feel, now I just gota keep on showing her with my actions....
BG1985 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) That's right, Lovegod, if a girl is interested, she will make it obvious without your needing to throw out little "feelers." And JL, you can communicate your feelings to a girl nonverbally through physical contact. Simply being with her, kissing her, anything like that will let her know how you feel. Edited November 3, 2009 by BG1985
Lovegod Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 All of us do dumb things in our relationships. Just let it be, don't bring it up, and time will make it go away. Everyone keeps saying communication is key....I was just trying to be open and communicate to her what I was feeling and what I want. Communicating isn't necessarily using words. It also consists of actions, eye contact, voice tone, facial expressions, etc. Some things are best communicated through other means.
BG1985 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Actually I believe 93% of communication is NONVERBAL. Most of our communication is also subconscious.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Let the record stand that there are NO decent women out there. I hate it when your right.
threebyfate Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 JL, what you did was fantastic. Being open with your feelings takes a much braver man, than the coward who hides shivering, behind a mask. If you're concerned about her reaction, this is her reaction. One rule of thumb I've always used is that if I reveal a vulnerability and someone uses it against me or has no sensitivity about it, they're not worth my time or emotion. Now that you've done your thing, it's time for her to step up to the plate.
Lovegod Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 JL, what you did was fantastic. Being open with your feelings takes a much braver man, than the coward who hides shivering, behind a mask. WTF??? That's like me saying "It takes an extremely feminine woman to cut the guts out of a freshly shot deer"
threebyfate Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 It takes balls of steel to open up to a potential partner. I fully respect anyone who can do so. I have zero respect for men who are too afraid to do so.
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 It sounds like the reason JL was saying all this stuff to the girl was that he was insecure about how she felt about him so he threw these words out to gauge her interest. When guys open their hearts to girls, they do it because they think that's what girls want to hear. Having emotional diarrhea doesn't make one a man, it actually shows insecurity.
threebyfate Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I see opening yourself up to being hurt by fessing up, takes a far stronger man, than one who tries to hide his insecurities. That's what many guys do. They pretend to not care when they actually care a lot. In opening up, you're using honey to catch the bee, rather than vinegar, which is what the current PUA techniques use. Just one big FAIL!
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 The reason why guys such as myself are "afraid" to open up these days is that we know what happens when we do. Girls lose respect for us because they think we are seeking validation. I used to tell an ex how special and wonderful she was, and she would respond with, "Why do you keep telling me that?" We didn't last much longer.
Lovegod Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 It takes balls of steel to open up to a potential partner. For someone who doesn't have male anatomy dangling between her legs, you sure know a lot about balls. I have zero respect for men who are too afraid to do so. That's like me having no respect for a woman who can't change the oil and filter in her own damn car. Your expectations of the male species make me believe you've been watching too many Disney movies.
Skump Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I told her if that scares her I am sorry, but I cannot possibly go hold it in any longer. I thought it was a nice gesture and just a small step in what I thought was the direction I want this to be headed. I guess I was expecting a similar response, but i got something a bit different than expected... What's wrong is not what you did, but rather with the way you did it. Realize that you're dealing with a vulnerable girl. In a sense, you need to be strong for her. Due to her past betrayals, she's going to make it difficult for anyone to put himself in a position to hurt her again. She's going to want someone strong enough to overcome her defenses. She needs a guy who can prove his commitment. You need to pursue and claim her. I don't mean that you should act like a caveman. I mean that you must be very assertive, confident and direct about what you want. Show no weakness. This girl must be utterly convinced that you are after her and intend to make her yours forever. If she smells a hint of indecisiveness, it's over.
threebyfate Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Everything in moderation. If you're doing it too often, it doesn't sound genuine hence gets old fast. Let it happen when you honestly feel it.
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 When I have been indifferent towards women in the past, they were attracted to me. Once I would spill my heart out to them, they run for the hills. These women want to date real men, not other women.
threebyfate Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 For someone who doesn't have male anatomy dangling between her legs, you sure know a lot about balls.If you want to know how to catch a woman, ask a woman. If you want to know how to catch a man, ask a man. That's like me having no respect for a woman who can't change the oil and filter in her own damn car.As a woman who can change the oil/filter, put on a CAI, replace assorted worn out parts like actuators, bulbs, etc., you must respect me a lot! Your expectations of the male species make me believe you've been watching too many Disney movies.Your attitude towards women, makes me believe you're not getting any.
Lovegod Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 If you want to know how to catch a woman, ask a woman. If you want to know how to catch a man, ask a man. ...and if you want to know how to catch a fish, ask a fish! Clearly logical. Your attitude towards women, makes me believe you're not getting any. Well, I'd ask you if you minded being the remedy, but I need an oil change first
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 If you want to know how to catch a woman, ask a woman. If you want to know how to catch a man, ask a man. You've got it wrong. If you want to know how to catch a woman, ask a man who is good at catching women. You see, the OP followed the advice he would have gotten from you had he asked before doing what he did. And guess what, he regrets doing what he did. You would have told him he had balls of steel for opening up, but it looks like his girlfriend is withdrawing after he told her how he feels.
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