sean1970 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Ok… I just have to start writing… We had been together for 2 years… A rather large age difference… I’m 37, she is 23… To make it even harder, after the summer of 08, she moved back to Cincinnati to start her career. We did the long distance thing until July 11th of this year. That’s when it all ended… We met at a line dance class. I did not think much of her in the beginning; she was not in any way fashion conscious (I mean no idea) nor was her and the Avon lady great friends… Just something about her… She is tall, very smart (graduated near the top of her class @ Michigan for Chemical Engineering), and has a great sarcastic wit. We got along well in the beginning and I could tell she was really starting to fall for me… I was her first in many regards (long term boyfriend / lover). She stayed at my house that summer in-between two trips she had planned prior, Australia and many countries in South East Asian. One of the things that I grew to really envy I think… She had been all over the world, bungee jumped, sky dived, swam with sharks… Crazy life experiences all before she was 24 that just blew me away… We both fell in love that summer... After our break up, I did some of the of things you are supposed to do: put away pictures, letters, cards, all the puzzles we did together, and the paintings she made me. After a couple of weeks of getting IMs all day from her; “I think about you all day…. I miss you so much… I don’t know what Im doing”, I told her, and after finding out she had a match.com profile, we should not talk anymore. She desperately wanted to still be friends and actually became angry with me for breaking off all contact…. I realized very soon I was not ready and broke NC a week later… Over the next several weeks, I sent one sappy eMail, one gift (book), 2 drunk dials, and one house visit (Oct 11th). She continued to IM/text me/ask me to visit but always back out… Saying about some of the IM subject later, “Yeah, I probably should not have said that…” We were to meet once when I was there with a friend but she blew me off to be with another guy…. Text me the following week to say how sorry she was and “If I had known he was going to be a jerk, I would have never done that to you. I just want my old life back.” We did meet a month later (Sept 17th), she could not believe how I had changed (lost 22lbs, new clothes, whitened teeth).. Could not keep her hands off me… She even rang my doorbell at 1:30 that Saturday but I was asleep. By the end of that weekend, when we started to talk about the relationship, you could have achieved cold fusion with her demeanor. She continued to call after she left, “Just called cause I was thinking of you, like I always do. Why cant you live in Cincinnati?” Told her that if there was no prospect of us working on a relationship again, no, I did not want to keep talking…. That lasted 3 weeks… Out with friends, one too many Octoberfests, I text… we cracked jokes, sent pictures, but then talk the of the relationship…. “Just tell me you don’t love me anymore”. No replies…. The next thing I did was just incredibly stupid on many fronts… On a Sunday eve, with 3 big beers in me, I decide to make the 4 hour trip. I get there at 5:30 am (she gets up at 6)… At first, it was good…. She called off work and we were going to make a day of it… I was rubbing her feet, back, stroking her hair… She was loving it and something I did every weekend to her (although did not like the “Lets take a shower comment”)… When she got a text, she thought it was going to be her boss… She told me it was a match.com guy… You guess it, that led to conversations about us and she freaked… Ill never forget her standing in front of me saying, “I don’t want to date you!!!” She got dressed, said I could sleep a bit, and left for work… Crushed… All by my own hand but still devastated… I fixed her door that she was complaining about and left… She called me when I got home and was obviously angry… I get it that I should not have come but the level of anger was way over the top… She had no issues when I was rubbing her but now believed I was the anti-Christ. I said I was sorry, asked her to accept, a said “One day, say a year from now, send me a text that you did like me and that you don’t think I am the jerk you think I am now”. A week later, Oct 20th, I get this… “I did like you, and will again I’m sure. I’m just angry now and need to let that run its course. I’m sorry.” I did not respond. A week later? Why? You are still upset a week later? It made me incredibly sad that, after 2 years, that last text is “I did like you, and will again Im sure”. I’m sorry for the winded post… I just ran across some IMs that I missed getting rid of…. ““you are great baby, i love being with you”…. “i want you to hug me…” Guys, she loved me so much and F*&$ed it… I strung out arguments longer than I should have… tested her sometimes…. And did not follow through on things she wanted me to do; she wanted me to cut down on drinking (3-4 beers daily) and I rarely did.. The irony now is she is drinking like a rock star, told me as much… It was just so painful to see her match profile when she told me about it… See her advertising herself. One of the NC reasons I gave her was that I did not want to talk because she was actively looking to date others; “Im not, Im just seeing what is out there. I’m not looking for anything serious.” I’ve seen and heard things from her that this has not been easy for her all the time but there is no question who is suffering and Ive done much to help her heal… I don’t know that I ever felt truly comfortable with the age difference, that I felt she had a better life than mine, or that I would not be able to keep her…. I watched (and helped) her go from a somewhat frumpy girl into a beautiful woman… So many things we did together that done seem like much; putting puzzles together, carving pumpkins, reading to each other over the phone will never happen again… Now she is dating someone else, caring for him, telling him all the things that she once told me hourly. I still can’t sleep most nights and eating has remained something I need to remember to do.. It is just unbearable… Im not with her because of my own insecurities… I just can’t stop blaming myself… That I had the power to avoid this… I would sell my soul to go back in time… And all I have done is embarrass myself since to the point where she obviously has lost all respect for me… I would not want to date anyone that looks as weak as I do now…. I know its over, I just cant seem to get over it… Again, sorry for the long post....
JaggedRoad Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 No need to apologize. A lot of us have been where you are--I certainly have. At least she didn't say the following to you: "Listen Andy, when Cindy contacted me she said you promised you wouldn't talk about the relationship. But now you're bringing it up again. And then you apologize for it and repeat the vicious cycle. I'm drawing a line. This is the reason I broke up with you. The relationship is over." We all made mistakes, took our exes for granted (for whatever reason), humiliated ourselves, ignored advice, and lost all sort of respect and dignity that we once had. She swam with sharks and jumped off a plane? So what? You can do the same. In fact, I'm going to do the same too once Spring comes around. Please try to pull yourself together to avoid more pain. Trust me on this!
lilbelle Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Thanks for sharing with us. You said a couple of things, like the age difference bothered you and I don't blame you as if you think back to when you were that age you are actually learning all about relationships, and really I guess we never stop but it's a volatile age. Lots of temptations and figuring out who you really are. Sometimes people just change for no reason, others lie, others just never can figure out that what they have is golden and search for something better all the time. She also mentioned the drinking and that should have been a sign that she was worried. If it bothered her she should have really pushed the issue. Now she is drinking her own pain away. Believe me, I do it all the time and am now on my 3rd day of detox and have no plans of ever drinking like that again. It caused me to make very bad decisions and potentially lose the best lover I have ever had. I was told that I never had his heart and that it belonged to someone else, those words even if they were by text have stung me so bad I cry right now while writing them. Good luck to you and come back anytime, it helps to vent it all out.
TapiocaDexterin Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 You sound like a great guy with a big heart. Look after yourself right now and be ok with yourself and whether she comes back or not you will be ok!
Author sean1970 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thank you Jagg.... No, we never did reach a point where she said such a thing (and btw, "The relationship is over" is not a reason... Im sure you see that) I just miss her more than my next breath Jagg... I miss her enthusiasm to see me, to call me just to hear my voice, to know I was the one that made her laugh the most.... Some would say, and I wont deny that there is some truth to it, that I was reaching back in time and she was reaching forward. I had never been married, no kids. She had no real relationships, no real loves. That does nothing for me not missing kissing her in her sleep cause it was so funny that she would kiss back unconsciously... That I miss making her breakfast so early on a Monday morning when she left from one of our weekends... That, for a time, I was all that she wanted...
Author sean1970 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thank you lilbelle..... She/we did talk about it... Many times... It was the source of many arguments... It was never the quantity for her though, it was just that I did.... I won’t defend heavy drinking, and would think that many here might be inclined to dismiss me summarily when I say I drink daily... I understand the stigma and also own the times when I know it was truly a contributor to our arguments… My mother was married 5 times and all the failures had roots in alcohol. It’s just that it never was an issue when her dad brought over 2 bottles of wine, never an issue when we were at her house with her friends, and not an issue when she wanted to let loose… Only ever seemed like and issue when she said, “I don’t want you to do it.” She said to me after we broke up, “I want to be with a guy that if I asked him to stop drinking, he would”. And, in a later conversation, say, “I don’t buy beer anymore; if I drink, it’s when I go out.” I asked why; “Because it was getting out of control” she said. They hypocrisy, on this, and other issues, drove me insane. All said, I have looked long and hard at the drinking issue… I need to prove it to myself… It kills me to think that this might have been all I needed to do to still have her in my life…
Author sean1970 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thanks TapiocaDexterin.... The only contact I might expect from her is that my birthday is coming up... Im struggling with what do do if she sends me a text... I just dont know what to read from her last text... Just maddening...
JaggedRoad Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Thank you Jagg.... No, we never did reach a point where she said such a thing (and btw, "The relationship is over" is not a reason... Im sure you see that) I just miss her more than my next breath Jagg... I miss her enthusiasm to see me, to call me just to hear my voice, to know I was the one that made her laugh the most.... Some would say, and I wont deny that there is some truth to it, that I was reaching back in time and she was reaching forward. I had never been married, no kids. She had no real relationships, no real loves. That does nothing for me not missing kissing her in her sleep cause it was so funny that she would kiss back unconsciously... That I miss making her breakfast so early on a Monday morning when she left from one of our weekends... That, for a time, I was all that she wanted... You can have all of that again with someone else. It won't be the same, but it'll be unique in its own way. It doesn't seem like you lack self-love, but you seem to long for youth. If you want to feel young again, then do something that would give you that feeling. Dating a younger woman won't do if feeling young is what you're looking for. I don't really have any suggestions because I'm 21, but I do know that I do long for my own childhood. Unfortunately for me, there really isn't much that I can do to feel like a kid again other than being silly. And yes, I do know that "the relationship is over" is not really a good reason. I don't think I want to delve into that for the sake of my own sanity.
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