Got myself into a little mess and feeling lost

[Jinxies]

A little history: Married to X Husband from age of 17 to 32. Entered MC in Sept of 08. Separated in Jan of 09. Divorced by June 09. We are amicable, share custody of our two daughters, age 12 and 9.

 

My current situation: I was unhappy for the last year or so of my marriage. I was a member in an online social networking site. In 2008, I met someone online and we felt an instant attraction. After my X and I separated, I invited him to visit me. I’m in the states, he was in New Zealand.

 

Long story short. He moved here and moved in with me.

 

He’s a very “black and white” kind of guy. He’s dominant. Which I don’t mind, as I like a man who knows what he wants and has a strong personality, I certainly have a strong personality.

 

The problem, he’s too inflexible. He makes rules and then completely overreacts if a rule is broken, for instance, no food in the living room for the kids. Which is a rule I agree with and enforce, however, as a mom, I know when to be flexible. One night he got very angry because I let my daughter eat a fruit roll-up in the living room. It ended up being a nasty fight.

 

He “is bored” and the only way to cope is to drink. So he has two to three drinks every night – minimum. If he gets upset, he has more. On this night, I made the mistake of trying to take a bottle of alcohol away from him. He says that was an act of violence against him and proceeded to pour rum all over me. I took him to a hotel and told him it was over.

 

When I get ready for bed, I go to take my nightly meds and see that I don’t have any. He had taken all my sleeping pills and migraine preventatives (which are mild-antidepressants). I called him and he said he was going to kill himself if we were over.

 

I took him back, but that claim was a huge blow to my respect for him. I can’t respect anyone who is willing to throw their life away over someone else.

 

He tells me that I’m 100% of his happiness. His day doesn’t start until I come home from work. He doesn’t like the tv or movies… so I’ve got to try and entertain him after I come home from working all day. He isn’t satisfied that we don’t “go out” enough. I consider doing things with the kids, running errands, and other things like that as “going out” – but he doesn’t. So he tells me, “we never go out” even though in the past six days, only one day did I get to actually rest at home in the evening.

 

Financially, I’m tied to him, since getting divorced my finances have taken a hit. My van is paid off in December and after that, I won’t be nearly as tied to him financially, but right now, I’m not sure I could make my rent payment and debt payments without him.

 

My older daughter hates him. My younger daughter thinks he is ok.

I know I moved too quickly after getting divorced. I made a poor decision and now I’m trying to cope with it.

 

On one hand, I really want to get out of this relationship and spend the proper amount of time getting stable on my own and enjoying a little bit of my adult life on my own two feet.

 

On the other hand, I do care for him. He does have many positives. He loves me and cares for me. He says I’m the only woman he’s ever felt this connected to. We have a great physical relationship. He provides for me.

 

But, we do bicker a lot. No one has ever made me cry as often as he has. He focuses on the little things and tells me that his philosophy is to make sure all the little things are tidy and in place and the bigger things will just naturally fall into place. It’s a philosophy I completely disagree with. I think the little things aren't worth sweating over and that we should focus on the big things in our lives.

 

And now I don’t know what to do. I know he uses emotional manipulation on me. I know it’s probably not in the best interest of the kids… course, when I say to him our relationship isn’t good for the kids, he tells me, ‘if you had the best interests of the kids in mind, you should have stayed with [x husband]”. He says things like that just to hurt me and antagonize me.

 

If I wasn’t financially dependent on him, I suppose it would be easier. I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I guess I’m just looking for some advice. I’m sorry it’s so long. Thanks for your time and thoughts.

Edited November 3, 2009 by Jinxies
had some funny formatting stuff at the bottom

[Enema]

You know what you have to do.

 

You've created quite a laundry list of negatives about this relationship - quite a few of them alone would be deal breakers for me.

 

You're not only teaching your kids that this type of relationship dynamic is ok, you're also teaching two girls that it's ok to stay with someone wrong, for money.

[frustrated_one]

A little history: Married to X Husband from age of 17 to 32. Entered MC in Sept of 08. Separated in Jan of 09. Divorced by June 09. We are amicable, share custody of our two daughters, age 12 and 9.

 

My current situation: I was unhappy for the last year or so of my marriage. I was a member in an online social networking site. In 2008, I met someone online and we felt an instant attraction. After my X and I separated, I invited him to visit me. I’m in the states, he was in New Zealand.

 

Long story short. He moved here and moved in with me.

 

He’s a very “black and white” kind of guy. He’s dominant. Which I don’t mind, as I like a man who knows what he wants and has a strong personality, I certainly have a strong personality.

 

The problem, he’s too inflexible. He makes rules and then completely overreacts if a rule is broken, for instance, no food in the living room for the kids. Which is a rule I agree with and enforce, however, as a mom, I know when to be flexible. One night he got very angry because I let my daughter eat a fruit roll-up in the living room. It ended up being a nasty fight.

 

He “is bored” and the only way to cope is to drink. So he has two to three drinks every night – minimum. If he gets upset, he has more. On this night, I made the mistake of trying to take a bottle of alcohol away from him. He says that was an act of violence against him and proceeded to pour rum all over me. I took him to a hotel and told him it was over.

 

When I get ready for bed, I go to take my nightly meds and see that I don’t have any. He had taken all my sleeping pills and migraine preventatives (which are mild-antidepressants). I called him and he said he was going to kill himself if we were over.

 

I took him back, but that claim was a huge blow to my respect for him. I can’t respect anyone who is willing to throw their life away over someone else.

 

He tells me that I’m 100% of his happiness. His day doesn’t start until I come home from work. He doesn’t like the tv or movies… so I’ve got to try and entertain him after I come home from working all day. He isn’t satisfied that we don’t “go out” enough. I consider doing things with the kids, running errands, and other things like that as “going out” – but he doesn’t. So he tells me, “we never go out” even though in the past six days, only one day did I get to actually rest at home in the evening.

 

Financially, I’m tied to him, since getting divorced my finances have taken a hit. My van is paid off in December and after that, I won’t be nearly as tied to him financially, but right now, I’m not sure I could make my rent payment and debt payments without him.

 

My older daughter hates him. My younger daughter thinks he is ok.

I know I moved too quickly after getting divorced. I made a poor decision and now I’m trying to cope with it.

 

On one hand, I really want to get out of this relationship and spend the proper amount of time getting stable on my own and enjoying a little bit of my adult life on my own two feet.

 

On the other hand, I do care for him. He does have many positives. He loves me and cares for me. He says I’m the only woman he’s ever felt this connected to. We have a great physical relationship. He provides for me.

 

But, we do bicker a lot. No one has ever made me cry as often as he has. He focuses on the little things and tells me that his philosophy is to make sure all the little things are tidy and in place and the bigger things will just naturally fall into place. It’s a philosophy I completely disagree with. I think the little things aren't worth sweating over and that we should focus on the big things in our lives.

 

And now I don’t know what to do. I know he uses emotional manipulation on me. I know it’s probably not in the best interest of the kids… course, when I say to him our relationship isn’t good for the kids, he tells me, ‘if you had the best interests of the kids in mind, you should have stayed with [x husband]”. He says things like that just to hurt me and antagonize me.

 

If I wasn’t financially dependent on him, I suppose it would be easier. I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I guess I’m just looking for some advice. I’m sorry it’s so long. Thanks for your time and thoughts.

 

It is very easy to give advice on the other side of the computer where there are no emotional/financial entanglements. As has been stated, you know what you need to do. It is not the easy thing.

 

Learn from this - move on to a healthy relationship.

[rina_r]

He sounds abusive. Get rid of him. You can do better!

[Untouchable_Fire]

If I wasn’t financially dependent on him, I suppose it would be easier. I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I guess I’m just looking for some advice. I’m sorry it’s so long. Thanks for your time and thoughts.

 

I'm not sure if this is possible, but If I were your XH, I would pay money to get this guy out of my daughters life. He is abusive and creepy to an extreme.

 

Maybe ask your X for a loan so that you can boot this guy!

 

He really sounds abusive.

[Lucky_One]

That was my first thought.

 

You say that you have an amicable R with your XH. Tell him that you have made a huge mistake (and yes, this is a HUGE mistake), and that you need help getting on your feet. You run the risk of him wanting the girls to come stay with him for a bit, but honestly, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

 

End this. As quickly as you can. This isn't going to get better - this will just escalate, and you have two daughters to think of.

[The Midnight Rider]

This guy is on the verge of becoming a beat down artist and he's about to start with you. The first clue is when he poured rum on you. The second was the old "I'm gonna kill myself!" routine. These are manipulative ploys to put you into a corner of too nice and too scared to leave. When he starts pounding on you (and HE WILL!), he's gonna turn to your children next. This guy is a budding monster. Get him out and I don't mean tomorrow, I don't mean after dinner, I mean as soon as you read this post! When he says he's gonna kill himself, tell him to hurry up and get it over with, but this guy is gonna beat on you as sure as the night is dark. Get a PPO also because he'll come back with a bag of "Baby, baby PLEASE!". Don't believe the hype. Right now, he's testing the waters and training you for the first good beating. After that, it will be nightly.

 

Get.

 

Out.

 

Now.

[boundaryproblem]

Is putting both children in one bedroom with bunkbeds and then putting a homestay student in the spare bedroom an option?

 

During my separation, my son and I both shared a bedroom (separate beds, he was 5 at the time) and I got homestay students in the spare rooms and that helped pay the bills while I adjusted to being a one income household.

 

Sometimes you have to be creative and re-configure the living arrangements to work for you.

 

You could ask your ex to help you buy the bunkbeds. Craigslist often has really cheap, solid furniture. Or Ikea if you want to spend a bit more.

 

Plus see if bank will give you an unsecured line of credit. My line of credit has saved me this past year and now I don't need the students anymore. It is a transition that you need.

 

I'm sure you don't need us to list out the reasons why this relationship doesn't have a future. But the pouring rum on you and your older daughter hating him - made me really uncomfortable. I wouldn't wait until Christmas, because your power in this relationship will decrease over time and maybe at Xmas there will be a new problem, or you will be ill, etc.

 

Find the strength from somewhere and deal with it now - is what I suggest.

[Skump]

He “is bored” and the only way to cope is to drink. So he has two to three drinks every night – minimum. If he gets upset, he has more. On this night, I made the mistake of trying to take a bottle of alcohol away from him. He says that was an act of violence against him and proceeded to pour rum all over me. I took him to a hotel and told him it was over.

 

When I get ready for bed, I go to take my nightly meds and see that I don’t have any. He had taken all my sleeping pills and migraine preventatives (which are mild-antidepressants). I called him and he said he was going to kill himself if we were over.

 

I took him back, but that claim was a huge blow to my respect for him. I can’t respect anyone who is willing to throw their life away over someone else.

 

How do you want this to end? With a breakup or two barrels of double-O buckshot to your brain?

 

I think you haven't even a vaguely realistic idea of how dangerous this man is. Get the hell out of there ASAP.

[LakesideDream]

I'm not sure if this is possible, but If I were your XH, I would pay money to get this guy out of my daughters life. He is abusive and creepy to an extreme.

 

Maybe ask your X for a loan so that you can boot this guy!

 

He really sounds abusive.

 

 

STOP ! Why is it the responsibility of someone rejected, then humiliated (it always happens) to bail out an "ex" spouse. I say NO.

 

I fell for my ex's crocodile tears and stories a couple of times before realizing I was getting played.

 

The BF has a point too. If the kids were a real consideration.... the OP would be working it out with the ex... instead she chose to walk away.

[Jinxies]

I do appreciate your time and your thoughts in sharing your advice with me. There are those moments when you don't feel solid and you war with yourself. You all say pretty much what my inner flag system is telling me... but I didn't want to be "over reacting" and responding to that.

 

I'm not as emotionally stable as I should be right now, of course, I know I'm sensitive and more argumentative than I used to be... yay for divorce,

 

As for your comment LakesideDream... I didn't really go into the details as to what led to the divorce with my X husband. He and I had grown so far apart that we ignored each other to the point of the extreme. Together, we were jointly ignoring our children... they had absolutely no structure, no rules, nothing... I was depressed and unhappy most of the time, so I'd get angry faster... I'd be resentful... It was not a healthy environment for the children.

 

It was in their best interest that their father and I divorce.

 

I know what I'm in now isn't good for them either, so I'm going to have to do something about it... and fast.

 

Thank you all, again, I very much appreciate your advice.

[Deanster]

I'm in agreement with the consensus. This guy you have is abusive, manipulative, and has tremendous potential to be dangerous to you and your girls.

 

What you describe are not minor things. He's like a recruiting poster for abusive monster boyfriend camp. Get him out of your life so fast his head spins. Try to get him to pay for his part of things through December on the way out, but get him GONE.

 

I know it's uncomfortable, but you might also have a talk with your older daughter about EXACTLY why she hates him. I'd bet any amount of money you care to name that he's at the very least attempting to manipulate and demean her, to get her to back off... and it could be considerably worse.

 

+1 on the suggestion you approach your ex about helping get this guy out of your life. My kids are 10 and 7, and I know if I were divorced from my wife, no matter how much animosity there was, I'd do or pay ANYTHING to get a guy like that away from my kids - no questions asked.

Edited November 6, 2009 by Deanster

[NoIDidn't]

I hope your girls didn't witness him pouring rum all over you.

 

Get them out of the house. When he starts to feel that you are rejecting him, he's going to go crazy. Send them to your ex. Take the financial hit.

 

You and your kids are in grave danger, IMO. Do not let this go on another day. He doesn't love you, he's just latched on to you to suck the life out of you and your family.

 

You might even want to involve the police because of the rum incident.

[The Midnight Rider]

I do appreciate your time and your thoughts in sharing your advice with me. There are those moments when you don't feel solid and you war with yourself. You all say pretty much what my inner flag system is telling me... but I didn't want to be "over reacting" and responding to that.

 

I'm not as emotionally stable as I should be right now, of course, I know I'm sensitive and more argumentative than I used to be... yay for divorce,

 

As for your comment LakesideDream... I didn't really go into the details as to what led to the divorce with my X husband. He and I had grown so far apart that we ignored each other to the point of the extreme. Together, we were jointly ignoring our children... they had absolutely no structure, no rules, nothing... I was depressed and unhappy most of the time, so I'd get angry faster... I'd be resentful... It was not a healthy environment for the children.

 

It was in their best interest that their father and I divorce.

 

I know what I'm in now isn't good for them either, so I'm going to have to do something about it... and fast.

 

Thank you all, again, I very much appreciate your advice.

 

 

Are you still here? GTFO NOW! This doesn't even need thought, this needs action and the action is to boogie your ass away from this Charlie Manson in training today! And don't forget the PPO. BTW, when does his visa expire or is he a citizen? Get him deported if you have to but get away from this psycho hose beast ASAP!