ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 My ex and I were only together for about 5 months but in that time grew very close. I'm 31 and she's 25. She has a 2 year old daughter and was in the process of moving back home when we met. She herself just got dumped 3 months prior by her babys father. They had wedding plans and he called it off stating he doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want to be with her. We had a long distance relationship for a few months. We saw eachother every weekend at the lake and loved each others company. I was always sceptical and causious with my feelings because of her past. I knew that if I let myself go it would be dangerous. I knew I was a rebound canidate. But one night while her and I were out on the town she asked if we could take this to the next level. She wanted to committ. I was scared but decided at that point to let my guard down and just let my feelings flow. A few weeks later she left a note in my car stating how much she was in love with me and how she felt comfortable and safe with me. She asked if I could love her in the same way. At this point I've already fallin for her. I told her I would love her and her daughter and would be there for the both of them. A few weeks later she moved up here to be closer to me. I coninced her to enroll back in school and start working towards a better life for her and her daughter. She was proud and very motivated and said I was the reason. I gave her the motivation to strive for a better life. She told me she wanted me to be there. She felt safe with me ther so we spent a lot of time together once she arrived. I moved her in by myself. I child proofed her entire place by myself. She was very greatful for everything I did for them. We had a great, loving relationship. A few months later she told me she needed space. She told me she didn't know what she wanted. She thought she wanted what we had but wasn't sure any more. The next morning I asked if I could come over for a cup of coffee and she accepted. When I arrived is when the begging began. I told her not to throw this away. Don't give up on this. She told me she didn't want to but was confused. She told me she loved me and didn't want to lose me but needed space. She left for her parents that weekend but before she left wanted to see me. I came over and she told me she loved me and missed me already. She told me she already knows she wants to be with me but still needs some time. She left and immediatley texted me she missed me. Throughout the weekend she would text things like "Hi" and "I miss you". But one night she texted me she was sorry for hurting me. I was the best thing for her and she wanted me back. I called her and told her you have to be sure and she said she was. Well the next day was little conversation. Then that night she texted me "I can't do this, I can't be with you". I was devistated. I attempted the no contact for a few days but wrote her a letter letting her know that I understand what she was going through. I told her All that I ever wanted was to care for her and love her and her do the same. I wanted to be there for her and she wanted the same as well. After the letter I stopped contact. She called one evening and Ihad missed the call. I called the next day and she said she didn't mean to call me. I told her then thats its never too late. I continued the no caontact until I recieved a drunk dial at 2:20 in the morning. Of course I answered. She told me how sorry she was and that she really loved me and always would. She said she knows I would be the best guy for her but not now. I told her I'm not hanging on and I'm moving forward. I'm not dwelling on the past and wondering what might have been. We got on the topic of sex and how much she missed my touch and body. Just a bit of nonsence. She had mentioned her ex and how he showed up again. She knew he wasn't serious but they were talking again. Since then she has called and hung up once and sent me a "make a wish e-mail". I responded in a drunk text early the next morning with "wish in one hand..." I feel shes trying to let me know she is still here. Now the question. I care deeply for this girl and want nothing but the best for her. I am unsure if I want her back but feel very strongly that I do. Her birthday is tomorrow and a part of me wants to let her know that I am here. Its been a month. Do I wish her a simple Happy Birthday?
paperchase Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You said all that to ask if you should wish Happy Birthday to a girl who dumped you. There are a million posts on here asking the same thing. The answer is NO. You don't owe her that; you are just looking for an excuse to contact her; that's her new man's job. Everything you are doing right now from the drunk dialing to answering her calls, to professing your love to all the lip service about moving on is not helping matters. You basically being strung along and allowing it to happen. If she can reconcile with the father of her children, she likely will. Give her all the space she needs.
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Maybe I am looking for an excuse. She needs space to figure out what she wants. I've given it to her and will continue to do so. She is the only one initiating contact and there are times where I don't respond. I don't cry or beg. The first morning is the only time I told her not to throw this away and not give up on us but nothing since. I truly am trying to move forward. I've dated and played around a little but there something in the back of my mind that is telling me not to let go. She is a single mother in a new city and feels lost. I do understand that. I care for her and want her to be safe. I understand that this isn't my problem anymore and I should really just let it be but I do want her to know if she needs anything that I'm here. I feel that a simple birthday wish will do just that. Nothing more than "Happy Birthday". If she is with her ex then I truly hope it all works out for her.
Eisenhower Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You should read my thread "Man, I'm hurting" ... we have very similar situations and I think the only way to explain it is the "rebound" effect. They're overenthusiastic at first, make all sorts of promises and beg you to be theirs forever, then they cool off and realize they don't know what they want ... but yet they want to keep you on the back burner. They're not trying to be cruel, but it sure hurts like hell. I finally declared NC after 6 months of it. I hope your girl comes to her senses, but as I've seen first hand, that's nothing you can count on. I agree that you need to move on and don't look back. I'm trying myself ... it's hard, but good luck. Eisenhower
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hey man, Well you've made some mistakes and you've also made some good moves here. Your situation is a sad one, and I feel for you because it seems you were doing the right thing by this girl in every aspect. There's nothing you did (or didn't do) that drove her away, so don't blame yourself or think you could've done more. What happened here is obvious: her ex is trying to come back into the picture. In her mind, she probably thinks getting back with him is the best thing for her. She'll convince herself she's doing it for her daughter, too. But the problem here is that her ex is being wishy-washy about what he wants... I'm 99% sure of it. This is causing her to see-saw back and forth between wanting to be with you (at the times he's ditching her or not returning her phone calls) and being with him (during the times he's showing her attention). In short, you've got to move on. Telling her that was your best move. Writing her letters and calling her on her birthday should be out the window at this point. Know what? She KNOWS you remember her birthday. When you don't call, she'll also know why. By staying strong you're forcing her to make a choice: him or you. She can't have both, and she can't walk the line - keeping you in limbo while her own ex figures out whether he wants her or not. I'm rooting for her to wise up and ditch this loser, and realize that she already has a really good guy in her life already. But you can't count on that. If it happens, it happens. But if you move on in the meantime? It's her loss. Stay strong.
Metal_Muffin Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I know what you mean...although im allowing myself over two weeks to work out whether the happy birthday is a good thing or not lol. I like to be sure!! I dont really want to ignore it, i dont know why i dont owe him anything but if he knows i havnt forgotten and im polite and nice about it then he knows im not bitter...i want to be the bigger person! However in your situation...shes pulling you back and forth quite a lot and luckily im not going through the same. You just do what feels best...we can all tell you on here to not do it but only you can stop yourself pressing send. I drunk called my ex begging him back and i literally felt rubbish for doing that! That helped me stop even though thousands of poeple...on here and friends have told me not to...only when i did that did i know i wouldnt again because i wouldnt put myself in a situation where i feel crap or where he thought i was just waiting around for him. Do what feels best. If its wrong and you regret it your learn...just keep your guard near you, dont get played and hurt again!
Andyman Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Your situation sounds remarkably close to my own, in age, age difference, child's age and length of relationship. I'm new to this forum and I'm impressed with the advice and kindness shown by the various posters, and not too much BS. I don't know what advice to offer, except be cautious and remember, you have a life too, so you must protect yourself and your well being. I think we are alike in that we both have strong feelings for our exes, and wish only the best for them. However, I believe that no matter how difficult and awful it feels, it is essential to set some boundaries for your self and your ex. If that means minimizing contact- painful thought that may be- it will probably be worth it in the longer term. I wish I had some meaningful insights to share with you, but I think everyone's situation is different, so I think the best general advice is to set some boundaries, but continue to be kind, patient and respectful of your ex-partner, and maybe she will see things differently in time. If not, at least you have behaved in a way that has not damaged your relationship further and you know you have behaved as a strong, gracious man. The only other advice I would dare to offer, is seek out the support and advice of a professional counsellor. I have found a great one and she has helped me understand my situation better than I ever could have on my own. Hope it all goes well, she's lucky you care so much.
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thank you all for your insightful posts. They really helped me weigh all options and consider all outcomes. I've decided to let this one go. After NC for a month and a lot of self reflection I know that I do not want to be involved with someone in her situation. First of all I was a rebound. Second of all her childs father will always be in the picture. He loves his daughter and will always be around for my ex to wonder and think of him. I am nobodys 2nd option and I'm not disposable. In order for me to even consider any sort of reconcilation she must think of me as the best thing since slice cheese and then prove this to me. I'm not gonna put out any feelers to see where she is in life and in her mind. She knows I care. She knows I would be a great partner. We shared a path for a while and I know that I helped her along the way. I hope she uses what we had and what I provided her as well as what she provided me to help her through her life. She chose a different path. I have to continue on mine and not look back for no one other than myself. A part of me really wants to wish her a happy birthday because I genuinely want her have a happy, worry free birthday.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Your decision to let her go is the best one you can make right now, and I hope you can stick to it. Unfortunately for this girl, she's probably in for a world of hurt. Her ex doesn't want her back, he just likes to KNOW he can get her back. He's using her as an ego boost and maybe even to satisfy his more physical urges (sorry) when the mood strikes him, and that's about it. He's going to keep playing cat and mouse with her while continuing to do his own thing, until one day when he maybe gets tired of it and finally settles down with someone else. The chances of this girl ever getting back with her ex-husband in some kind of stable relationship are slim to none. Even worse, it's going to take her a long while to realize this. Once she finally does, she'll go out and try to date other people, and she'll be hard-pressed to find somebody as good as you. You were caring, you were understanding, you were supportive, and you loved both her AND her daughter. Guys like that are one in a thousand. Unfortunately for her, your ex will realize this way too late - probably when you're already involved in a relationship with someone else. That's when you'll get the "oh man, I was sooooo wrong to let you go!" phone call. It's gonna be tough for her.
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Her birthday came and went...I did end up wishig her a happy b-day. The message was, "Happy Birthday Chica. Thinkin about you and Peyton." I must say, there is a little regret. I know I don't want to be with her. I know it would never work but that little message up there has really caused me to think about the what ifs. By me breaking my silence and not staying strong a part of me began to latch on again. No contact means no contact. For anyone out there looking for reasons to contact your ex I truly recomend you don't. The day before I felt strong and confident in where I was. I felt the same way yesterday. Until of course I sent a tiny message. Now I feel weaker and disappointed in myself. STAY STRONG!!!
paperchase Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Her birthday came and went...I did end up wishig her a happy b-day. The message was, "Happy Birthday Chica. Thinkin about you and Peyton." I must say, there is a little regret. I know I don't want to be with her. I know it would never work but that little message up there has really caused me to think about the what ifs. By me breaking my silence and not staying strong a part of me began to latch on again. No contact means no contact. For anyone out there looking for reasons to contact your ex I truly recomend you don't. The day before I felt strong and confident in where I was. I felt the same way yesterday. Until of course I sent a tiny message. Now I feel weaker and disappointed in myself. STAY STRONG!!! You are learning the hard way. Did she respond to your message? If so, was it the response you had hoped for? I suspect not. Now you have validated her need to be remembered and set yourself back to the beginning of NC. You'll be ok just learn from this mistake. I remember feeling the urge to wish mine a happy b-day and not doing it. Once the day had passed I felt so empowered.
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 No immediate response. At first I didn't expect any response and thought i didn't need one. Of course after its all said and done I would feel better with a "thank you" but I know thats not going to happen. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I know I'll be ok. I had to put my hand on the stove to see for myself. Thats my personality. Plus, I always like to have the last word. I know now in cases such as this, thats not the way to go.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I would feel better with a "thank you" No you wouldn't. You think so right now, but if you were to get a "thank you" you'd want more. The thank you wouldn't be enough. You'd be hoping for a "how are you doing?" to follow up the thank you, which would lead to the two of you talking again. Like you said, you felt good and empowered up until you sent the text. You learned the hard way. Keep up the NC from here on out, it's the best thing for you. And on your own birthday? Don't be disappointed if you don't hear anything.
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 You're right. That would just open more doors and cause me to think and want even more. She appreciates the message I'm sure. I've just got to stick to my guns and let it go. I have nothing to do with her well being anymore. Keep on keepin' on. Thanks again!!
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I didn't. And I honestly hope I never do. For my sake. I need to move on.
Space Ritual Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Sounds like you made the right decision. Your reasoning was sound as well. as long as the ex is in her life, you will never be 100 percent sure that she wouldn't drop you on a whim even if you two got back together. She already did it once I suspect though that since you were the rebound guy that you should not be too surprised if you get some type of communication from her over the holidays. Or when she and her ex have their first blowout, which is bound to happen over the holidays..lol But pay her no more mind, and dont settle...EVER Best of Luck
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