AndTheThemeForToday Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I will TRY to keep this "clean" & condensed. I really want honest opinions from people, need to know if I am way off-base w/ this. & I am brand-new on here so won't be using the appropriate abbreviations - sorry. So it wasn't exactly swapping. My BF of 8+ yrs & I (we have recently moved in together) often have talked about bringing other people into the bedroom. Have on 1 occasion (2+ yrs ago) had another woman share the bed, it was primarily about me & her. He certainly did participate but no penetration. I did tell him penetration was ok w/ me but out of respect & likely fear that it wouldn't be ok w/ me in the light of the sober day...he declined. We do frequent strip clubs, swingers clubs/events etc. But never did "swing" so to speak. More often than not when we're out drinking & come home to "enjoy each others' company", we talk about having other people in the bed w/ us, men & women. When discussing the possibilities (sober) we have agreed that neither of us would likely be comfortable with penetration, he w/ a woman OR me w/ a man. We have conveyed to each other a genuine lack of desire as far as THAT is concerned. Fast Forward>>> Very recently we went out to a party, enjoyed PLENTY of drinks, met a couple, and went home with them. The woman "lured" me & bf to her bedroom & started to undress my bf. She did ask if I was ok w/ it, I said yes, & I really was ok. WE preformed oral on him. At some point (we were all VERY drunk), her husband joined. WE preformed oral on him as well. It appeared to me as if my bf was having sex w/ the other woman. She was making the appropriate "sex sounds" & there was lots of "dirty talk" taking place....all leading me to believe he was in fact penetrating her. I, in my drunken state assumed we were playing by the drunk rules & all was fair game. So when the husband began having sex with me....I thought it was all good. PLEASE understand, it was NOT grudge screwing the other guy bc I was mad. I was ok w/ his (my bf) penetrating her & thought he (my bf) was on the same page. He was NOT, in a VERY VERY big way, was not of the same mind set I was. We left in the early am, sneaked out basically. He wouldn't speak to me at all. I was rather angry to be honest. I assumed he was having a great time while HE was doing the deed but it all wasn't as much fun when I did. Finally he told me that he at no time penetrated the other woman. & expected the same of me. He feels like I ignored him. To be honest, I kinda did ignore him, but it was solely bc I was under the impression we were SWAPPING. Now I'm pretty sure he is prepared to leave me over this. He feels as though I lied to him & he can't trust my word. I feel like he is being unfair. I realize I said I wasn't interested in having "sex" with another man. & REALLY, I'm not. I love my BF immensely. I love having sex with HIM. The other night was (to me) just something that happened, everyone caught up in the drunken, sexy, dirty, taboo moment. Or at least I THOUGHT EVERYONE. I have had a propensity in the past to screw up when drinking Vodka. It's always Vodka. My infractions have been....(8yrs ago) participating in a wet t-shirt contest when BF wasn't present, (7 or 8 yrs ago) playing a game of nearly naked pool volleyball (which he told me I could do but was later mad about), (3 yrs ago) kissing a random guy at a bar when BF went to the restroom (STILL have ZERO memory of that), ( 2 yrs ago) kissing a random girl at a swingers party when I went to the restroom, (long time ago, not since '04 or '05) random flashing of the tata's, And the kicker, (this happened when bf & I had been dating for about a month) having a threesome with another couple. BUT I told BF I was thinking about it AND told him the day it was going to happen that IT WAS going to happen. He didn't tell me or ask me not to & didn't give me any indication that he was bothered by it. Now he's told me that he expected ME to be "in charge" of not letting things get "out of control". CLEARLY I do not have a finger firmly placed on the "control button" when I'm drinking. I'm regretful, sad, shamed, scared he's going to leave, but also just a little perturbed bc I don't think he is being fair about this. Your opinions.....I want
samspade Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 1. You fool around too much, especially when drunk, and he can't trust you. 2. Your sexual past and/or proclivities makes him feel insecure. It's not your fault for having a past, but his for listening to it. Exception: Why on earth did you tell him about your threesome one month into your relationship - as it was about to happen? 3. This kind of sexual adventurism is probably better for casual couples than LTR commitments. Nevertheless, you don't sound like someone who belongs in a long term relationship right now - at least not with him. He probably thinks it's fun, having such a wild and adventurous gf, until he actually is in a room with another c0ck in your puz$y. 4. He is afraid to walk away from you. Eight years of this nonsense and you're still flashing strangers and kissing random guys when he turns his back? You, my friend, have more red flags than Tiennamen Square. He should have dumped you long ago, or at least relegated you to cvm dumpster status. Only as a casual, c*ck-thirsty f-buddy in his harem could you possibly be enjoyed by this man for your porn star activity. It's a truism that every man wants slvt, but he wants her to be HIS slvt and his alone. Advice: Break up so you can continue your adventures unabated.
FreezorBurn Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You and your boyfriend lack communication. Besides the fact- you have been dating 8 years and are still not even engaged. You should move on. 8 Years is a long time with no commitment you may be better off without him. Swinging is obviously not for him or he is using this as a excuse to shake free from the relationship. Most likely this was going to happen anyway and he is using this as a reason to get out of the relationship. Don't blame yourself.
2sure Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You know the biggest obstacle about swinging, even if it isnt always fulll swap, even when you have rules, even when your relationship is rock solid.... Misunderstandings. Happens all the time. Was that a look? Did she try to hook up with you solo? Do they like us both?? Are you sure he is straight? You? Etc. Etc. Etc. It was a misunderstanding. You were drunk, your judgment was off, you were impaired, unable to operate machinery or give valid testimony. WTF. You didnt accidentally marry him , change your religion, or shoot anybody. How do you know, for sure, he wasnt banging her?? Like you said - it walked and talked like a duck. Most guys are A-OK with a fmf / mff/etc threesome, but as soon as you bring another guy into the room - theres an issue. Talk about THAT because the issue is his not yours.
2sure Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Not to mention the fact that nothing was done behind his back. He was there. Was he gagged??? If it was such a deal breaker why didnt he just say hey, you know...my gf is drunk and breaking some rules...guess I better take her home. Passive aggressive . Yuck.
HarmonyHope Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I'm with 2sure on this one. He knew you were drunk, and after 8 years I am sure he knows how you are when you're drunk and yet he wanted to proceed anyway. Nothing was behind his back and he should have spoken up then.
Author AndTheThemeForToday Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Samspade....that wasn't very nice. I haven't had ANY other "c0ck in my puz$y" for the duration of our relationship.....until that night. I am "flirty" but not "fooling around". I told him about the threesome bc I thought A) he would be "into it" & B) wanted to know if he'd have a problem w/ it. We were casually dating but had been talking for months. And obviously I'm not interested in continuing my adventures or I wouldn't be fretting over this. Freezorburn, we are engaged. Have been for 3 years. & maybe you're right, maybe this is his out. I really don't think so but I'm not entirely naive. & 2sure, I'm in total agreement w/ your 2nd post...He should have dragged me away by the wrist or said something. Even though we're kinky...you're right, he wasn't gagged!!
schewter Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 This "swapping" and by all means have at 'er if all parties are in agreement but isn't what you have described and illustrated here kinda one of the problems that arise within this lifestyle? No real definitions of where the lines are drawn? It is not for me...and I have always wondered why swinging types bother to marry. Not that I am religious...don't even believe in God...but I always at least viewed marriage as an exclusive situation between two people (even same sex).
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Samspade....that wasn't very nice. I haven't had ANY other "c0ck in my puz$y" for the duration of our relationship.....until that night. I am "flirty" but not "fooling around". I told him about the threesome bc I thought A) he would be "into it" & B) wanted to know if he'd have a problem w/ it. We were casually dating but had been talking for months. And obviously I'm not interested in continuing my adventures or I wouldn't be fretting over this. Here is the thing... you've been playing with fire forever, and you just got burned. In my experience it is usually one partner that pushes the "swinger" type lifestyle more than the other... Do you push it? Bottom line is that you two have a HUGE communication issue. You never seem to know what he wants or why. I think in this regard your kind of a failure as a girlfriend... and if it's any consolation... a guy with self esteem would have dumped you LONG ago.
Author AndTheThemeForToday Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 No, in fact.....HE has always been the one initiating "the swinger type lifestyle"
Author AndTheThemeForToday Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 AND.............HE was the one who got it into my head about having sex with another man. THAT was NEVER something I was into. He pushed that envelope & made it appealing.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 AND.............HE was the one who got it into my head about having sex with another man. THAT was NEVER something I was into. He pushed that envelope & made it appealing. Then HE is a douche and you should be dumping HIM... not the other way around. You guys have communication issues... Yes or No?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 you both want to f##k around with other people, swing...whatever....then this is what you get. neither of you can whine, b!tch, moan or complain about what happens. Its not cheating because you both are swingers and both had an understanding that you both want to be sexual with other people. You either f##k other people, or you don't. And to say "well, its ok if he gets a blowjob, and its ok if I suck another guy off, but no penetration". Get real. Sexual contact is sexual contact. Hell, I'd be more pissed about the blowjob than the sex. But you both want to get off with other people, swap, and swing......you wanted it...you got it. you either agree to be swingers....or you don't. And if you agree to be swingers, no complaining about stupid boundaries.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 AND.............HE was the one who got it into my head about having sex with another man. THAT was NEVER something I was into. He pushed that envelope & made it appealing. oh come on...it was appealing before, don't be blaming your desires on him. you both wanted this. If not, you would have been repulsed and told him to go jump in a lake.
Author AndTheThemeForToday Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 You guys have communication issues... Yes or No? Obviously..........
Skump Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Now I'm pretty sure he is prepared to leave me over this. He feels as though I lied to him & he can't trust my word. I feel like he is being unfair. I realize I said I wasn't interested in having "sex" with another man. & REALLY, I'm not. I love my BF immensely. I love having sex with HIM. The other night was (to me) just something that happened, everyone caught up in the drunken, sexy, dirty, taboo moment. Or at least I THOUGHT EVERYONE. I hate to break it to you, but... You know all those things momma been tellin' sons n' daughters since time immemorial about the value of marital fidelity, etc. That **** was all true. When you violate the sanctity of your marriage by admitting even the possibility of screwing other girls and guys (yes, girls do count), you are a midget playing on the devil's home court with a badminton racquet against Rafael Nadal. You are going to lose. Any honest person could see this train wreck coming from a thousand miles away. Sorry. In your next relationship, don't do this sort of thing. Period.
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