euroxx Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Alright *Deep Breath* My relationship (been almost a year on and off) ended last week, with a GIANT blow-up fight in a parking lot down the road from my residence which ended in her driving off and leaving me to walk home. It was over petty bull****, her wanting to talk to more people than just me and me being uncomfortable with the guy in which she was talking to (He was interested and she was letting him know it was just a friendship.) Anyway, tons of a little fights loosely related to the same issue kinda led to our demise. Additional information is that we've throughout the length of our relationship have had a problem with sex. In that when we got together we both said that it wasn't really important to either one of us.. and well... yes it is. We've never really been able to connect sexually, I mean, get things going. One they do get going, it's awesome. She enjoys it and I enjoy it. But the last couple times have been a trainwreck due to mis-communications and health problems. We talked about getting back together and our relationship a few days ago and kinda saw eye to eye with the whole friends thing, etc and she kinda got why there were so many fights over it. But at the end of the night she stated when asked if she wanted to try again "What if I don't want to?" and then about the sex "What if I don't want it to change?" Then basically said it was, done, finished. Because she and I quote "Thinks we're on different levels and she doesn't think she loves me like I love her because she doesn't want to try again." When we get together and hang-out it's fantastic. We genuinely enjoy each other and have an amazing time together. Constant fun, laughing, etc. We do things that convey love on a daily basis and we just make each other happy. Now since the break-up she's been messaging me on FB regularly, asking how my day is going, how I'm feeling, etc. She's had spirts of being sexually flirtatious in some comments and when I hinted that I was going out to see a movie last night with a friend she was overjoyed, like moreso than I've seen her for something in a long time. It's really feeling like she's just wanting a break to me, I know the things she said were so definite, but she's said them before. I just can't shake the feeling that this is more temporary than she is letting on. What do you guys think? (Female perspectives are more than welcome.)
name witheld Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) Sounds a little like an old relationship I had. We were madly in love, but oh the fights. Argue over petty nonsense and then lead to a breakup and standoff. it was all just a power struggle really and whilst I had it the relationship did ok. but in the end the power shifted towards her and the breakups became more serious. We became more and more unhappy in the relationship but had ourselves fooled it might work this time because we loved each other so much and neither one of us could walk away. until the end that is and it was for the best. Sometimes love can be too strong and it blinds you to the situation and makes it hard to let go. At least that is my experience and I suspect that you are someway along the same road. I also suspect that it is just a matter of time before your girl cheats on you either with this guy or with another. And I reckon it will be sooner rather than later as she is showing you signs of sexual flirtation but deep down inside she is unhappy. What I mean is that she is expressing those feelings in front of you but it may not be directed at you. (eg somebody else on her mind?) Sorry thats probably not what you want to hear but I see that as a warning sign, because that is similar to how me and this girl ended. Edited November 3, 2009 by name witheld
Author euroxx Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) Sounds a little like an old relationship I had. We were madly in love, but oh the fights. Argue over petty nonsense and then lead to a breakup and standoff. it was all just a power struggle really and whilst I had it the relationship did ok. but in the end the power shifted towards her and the breakups became more serious. We became more and more unhappy in the relationship but had ourselves fooled it might work this time because we loved each other so much and neither one of us could walk away. until the end that is and it was for the best. Sometimes love can be too strong and it blinds you to the situation and makes it hard to let go. At least that is my experience and I suspect that you are someway along the same road. I also suspect that it is just a matter of time before your girl cheats on you either with this guy or with another. And I reckon it will be sooner rather than later as she is showing you signs of sexual flirtation but deep down inside she is unhappy. What I mean is that she is expressing those feelings in front of you but it may not be directed at you. (eg somebody else on her mind?) Sorry thats probably not what you want to hear but I see that as a warning sign, because that is similar to how me and this girl ended. Boy do I hope not. I spoke with a counselour friend of mine who gave me some insight and tips. To help us out, I mentioned to her last night that I had spoken to this person and she conveyed a strong interest in what was said. I told her it wasn't the sort of thing that you talk about via Yahoo! but if she was interested we could talk about it today when I go to pick up a card from her. I asked her what she was interested in hearing and she said "anything that can help me". She gets off at 6 and we'll be meeting up soon after. It's hard to see what I should take from that reaction. I'm hoping that should give me hope.. because it is lol Edited November 4, 2009 by euroxx
BCCA Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I asked her what she was interested in hearing and she said "anything that can help me". Dude, my ex sounded the same way. Honestly, she was just hoping a counsler told me it was all my fault, and she was perfect. As soon as she heard thats not what happened, she lost interest immediately. Notice she said 'anything that can help me', not 'anything that can help you/us'. She gets off at 6 and we'll be meeting up soon after. It's hard to see what I should take from that reaction This is why NC is so critical. Youre just going to drive yourself crazy doing this, over analyzing, wondering, hoping...its no way to live. I'm hoping that should give me hope.. because it is lol Do yourself a favor. If tonight isnt perfect, and exactly as you planned it, go straight to NC and stick with it.
Author euroxx Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Dude, my ex sounded the same way. Honestly, she was just hoping a counsler told me it was all my fault, and she was perfect. As soon as she heard thats not what happened, she lost interest immediately. Notice she said 'anything that can help me', not 'anything that can help you/us'. Do yourself a favor. If tonight isnt perfect, and exactly as you planned it, go straight to NC and stick with it. Yeah, that kinda bothered me. I'm not gunna over analyze and hang on it though, it could've been meant several ways. Read my mind on the last part. Tonight is going to be a huge discussion about issues she has coupled with things with me. I'm not going to ask her to get back together, I'm meeting her and dropping the information. I'll let her know that the counselor offered several strategies to help us get past this, but I'll go no further than that. After I leave tonight I will be making no contact with her, like I have to since the information is going to have to sink in if it doesn't immediately.
Author euroxx Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Was hoping for a few more posts before we met up Hopefully this goes at I see it going in my head.
lilbelle Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 She enjoys your jealousy, that's whats going on with the flirtation. It's because in her mind she isn't getting the acknowledgement from you that you love her. So this is a way to get it, even if it ends up in a huge fight it is acknowledging that you care. You are logical she is emotional. That's the difference. I suggest going to the library and reading opposites attract. I started reading it last night and I am amazed at how many men and women just don't know how to be honest in our feelings. But that's why she is doing it. To garner your emotions.
Author euroxx Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 She enjoys your jealousy, that's whats going on with the flirtation. It's because in her mind she isn't getting the acknowledgement from you that you love her. So this is a way to get it, even if it ends up in a huge fight it is acknowledging that you care. You are logical she is emotional. That's the difference. I suggest going to the library and reading opposites attract. I started reading it last night and I am amazed at how many men and women just don't know how to be honest in our feelings. But that's why she is doing it. To garner your emotions. So this is just some cruel game to her? Or is she subconciously confessing she misses me?
lilbelle Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 it's a game because she can't tell you how she feels. or she thinks you don't care. Regardless, you must figure out how to show her and tell her.
Author euroxx Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 it's a game because she can't tell you how she feels. or she thinks you don't care. Regardless, you must figure out how to show her and tell her. So she loves me? What the hell? Excuse me if I seem really really dense at the moment. But this is the first time I've seen this situation be approached by this angle.
Art_Critic Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Your headline tells it all.. Fourth Chance in a year.. Put a fork in this one.. it's done.. Any relationship should not have some much drama in it that you break up 4 times in one year.. and if you do then maybe it's time to put this behind you as you are obviously not compatible.
lilbelle Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 So she loves me? What the hell? Excuse me if I seem really really dense at the moment. But this is the first time I've seen this situation be approached by this angle. okay, all i'm saying is. she is insecure in the relationship. i can't tell you about love. she is insecure. if you want it to work go nc and reflect on this. when ex was at the bar friday i made damn sure to flirt and act a fool to see if it would stir up feelings, anything. it didn't cause he doesn't give a fuuuuck. understand?
threebyfate Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 So, you've broken up four times and the sex is no good. What's good is your companionship. The two of you should be best friends, not lovers. It's time to move on.
Author euroxx Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 okay, all i'm saying is. she is insecure in the relationship. i can't tell you about love. she is insecure. if you want it to work go nc and reflect on this. when ex was at the bar friday i made damn sure to flirt and act a fool to see if it would stir up feelings, anything. it didn't cause he doesn't give a fuuuuck. understand? Gotcha. Well that night never happened. A friend of her family who's husband is dying called her because they had taken him to hospice. She went out and by the time she came back said she wasn't coherent enough to take in what I had to say. She was very apologetic and promised that we would get together the next day to talk since she'd be around my place at 11AM. Well 11AM came and went and I received no call from her, she disappeared mid-afternoon according to her mother and never came home last night. It's now 5:13 the next day and to my knowledge she has still not been home. I'm reluctant to call her parents or around looking for her, but it's got me questioning what happened. She did nothing but outline how important it was for her to hear what the counselor send. Hmmm.
NopeNah Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Gotcha. Well that night never happened. A friend of her family who's husband is dying called her because they had taken him to hospice. She went out and by the time she came back said she wasn't coherent enough to take in what I had to say. She was very apologetic and promised that we would get together the next day to talk since she'd be around my place at 11AM. Well 11AM came and went and I received no call from her, she disappeared mid-afternoon according to her mother and never came home last night. It's now 5:13 the next day and to my knowledge she has still not been home. I'm reluctant to call her parents or around looking for her, but it's got me questioning what happened. She did nothing but outline how important it was for her to hear what the counselor send. Hmmm. Excuses is all that is! I don't think she cares what the counselor has to say, she just doesn't want to tell you. So instead she goes out all night doing god knows what and vanishes on you. I suggest you do the same in return.
Author euroxx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) Excuses is all that is! I don't think she cares what the counselor has to say, she just doesn't want to tell you. So instead she goes out all night doing god knows what and vanishes on you. I suggest you do the same in return. I figured that in as well. But she's the one who asked when she read my facebook status, not me. And she's also the one who kept bringing it up. If she didn't want to tell me, she was certainly going to great lengths to make it seem like she did care. And for the record I've been playing this pretty LC, I don't think NC is appropriate in our situation (Yes I've reflected.) I'm just doing a lot of my thinking and venting through here. I will be typing up what I was told by the counselor here too, since I think it will help some other men in similar situations. Edited November 7, 2009 by euroxx
NopeNah Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I figured that in as well. But she's the one who asked when she read my facebook status, not me. And she's also the one who kept bringing it up. If she didn't want to tell me, she was certainly going to great lengths to make it seem like she did care. And for the record I've been playing this pretty LC, I don't think NC is appropriate in our situation (Yes I've reflected.) I'm just doing a lot of my thinking and venting through here. I will be typing up what I was told by the counselor here too, since I think it will help some other men in similar situations. I "think" she's playing games here,man. She's telling you what you want to hear to keep you hanging on, while her actions are on the other side of the spectrum. I'd also like to read what was said by the counselor. and I REALLY mean it!haha!
Author euroxx Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t208831/ She may very well be. I'm not playing them at the moment though There's the session.
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