A little tired of dates with single moms

[Untouchable_Fire]

So, Yeah last night sucked. Again. I've been on a string of fairly bad dates the last month. For some odd reason they have all been single moms. Now, I've had a few long term relationships with single moms, so I know this is probably just a random streak. It really doesn't feel like it though. Here is what has me irritated at the moment.

 

If your last BF was an super abusive ahole... why have kids with him?

 

Why is scheduling a date like pulling teeth?

 

It bugs the crap out of me to be sneaking out of a bedroom at 4am so the kids don't see me!

 

Why have 3 kids with 4 different guys?

 

I just get sad when a kid says something like "are you my new daddy?"

 

I don't like paying for a babysitter when I didn't get a chance to negotiate the price! Why does my offer to pay for that mean it's going to cost $150!

 

Finally, if your kids are your whole life... Why bother dating at all? I'm not looking to be something special right off the bat... but I'm not going to permanently be second place to another guys kids.

[espec10001]

That's why you shouldn't date single moms.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm not going to permanently be second place to another guys kids.

 

Here's the key sentence to me. I'm not a mom so I don't know first hand, but I'm assuming that once a person has children, they are always first place. Always.

 

You probably shouldn't date single moms if you're not okay with that.

[AlektraClementine]

 

If your last BF was an super abusive ahole... why have kids with him?

 

I'd watch out for any woman who dates abusive a-holes. There's issues there. Most women who've got their nuts together can spot an abuser and don't date them. Argue all you want. It's the truth.

 

Why is scheduling a date like pulling teeth?

I never had this problem. Because my ex was not an abusive a-hole, and is a great dad, I had plenty of time for dating. If you date a single mom who has a good relationship with dad, it's easier all around.

 

It bugs the crap out of me to be sneaking out of a bedroom at 4am so the kids don't see me!

Again, plan your sleepovers for when dad has the kiddos. My fiance never spent the night when the kids were home. Not until we got engaged and lived together and he had spent oodles of months of time with them.

 

 

Why have 3 kids with 4 different guys?

I just get sad when a kid says something like "are you my new daddy?"

I just want on the record here. Yikes. Where are you finding these milfs.

 

 

Finally, if your kids are your whole life... Why bother dating at all? I'm not looking to be something special right off the bat... but I'm not going to permanently be second place to another guys kids.

Do you really feel this way?

[dreamergrl]

UF - I think maybe you are best of dating someone without kids. I've tried it, and started feeling the same way in some aspects. I realized that it's just not for everyone (dating a single parent), including me. I don't think it's a bad thing, some people just aren't equipped for it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Here's the key sentence to me. I'm not a mom so I don't know first hand, but I'm assuming that once a person has children, they are always first place. Always.

You probably shouldn't date single moms if you're not okay with that.

 

I know that sounds really bad, but I think it's an important point. I'm sure single dads do the same thing.

 

I don't think anyone want's to be in a relationship with someone who won't give 100%.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I know that sounds really bad, but I think it's an important point. I'm sure single dads do the same thing.

 

I don't think anyone want's to be in a relationship with someone who won't give 100%.

 

Unless they also have kids, then there would be an understanding.

 

I think it must be hard for a parent to date a non-parent, for this reason.

[dreamergrl]

Unless they also have kids, then there would be an understanding.

 

I think it must be hard for a parent to date a non-parent, for this reason.

 

Surprisingly enough, it happens when both have kids too. My step mom wanted her and her kids to be #1 when she married my dad. And she got what she wanted.

[2sure]

It doesnt sound like the problem is so much dating single moms as it is dating women who are not creepy.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It doesnt sound like the problem is so much dating single moms as it is dating women who are not creepy.

 

Yeah, this is just me ranting a little.

 

The date last night was just aweful. She spent a good 15 minutes going off about her baby-daddy. Sent her meal back because it wasn't cooked to her liking... ect. When I dropped her off and way overpaid the babysitter, she invited me to stay for a bit, but I was so just... ugh... I kissed her on the cheek and went home.

[phineas]

Unless they also have kids, then there would be an understanding.

 

I think it must be hard for a parent to date a non-parent, for this reason.

 

YES!

 

I have kids, I really think my best option is to find a single mom with kids close to my kids age.

 

They understand the situation.

 

I get a lot of women without kids & they say their cool but when they realize I just don't have the same freedoms as them, they loose interest.

 

I don't blame them.

 

In the past I dated single mom's & it wasn't for me.

[traderho]

If a mom does not put her kids before you I would run like hell because she is a waste of space imo.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If a mom does not put her kids before you I would run like hell because she is a waste of space imo.

 

That is not anywhere near what I said.

 

How about I put it to you like this... I see a bunch of my friends who just had kids... and their wives are so focused on the baby, that the marriage is starting to struggle. I think they are crappy moms and crappy wives, because they have their heads up their arse. Plus... one in particular gives her H a ton of crap when he spends 1 day a month out drinking with me!

 

You have to be able to do BOTH.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'd watch out for any woman who dates abusive a-holes. There's issues there. Most women who've got their nuts together can spot an abuser and don't date them. Argue all you want. It's the truth.

I never had this problem. Because my ex was not an abusive a-hole, and is a great dad, I had plenty of time for dating. If you date a single mom who has a good relationship with dad, it's easier all around.

Again, plan your sleepovers for when dad has the kiddos. My fiance never spent the night when the kids were home. Not until we got engaged and lived together and he had spent oodles of months of time with them.

I just want on the record here. Yikes. Where are you finding these milfs.

Do you really feel this way?

 

Where do you live again?

[amirpc]

Why have 3 kids with 4 different guys?

 

I would need to see a diagram to understand this.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, we have to put our children first - sometimes. Sometimes we need to put our partner first. Sometimes we need to - yes - put OURSELVES first.

There has to be a balance. If there is no balance, SOMEONE will be unhappy, and if someone is consistently unhappy in a living situation together, LIFE will be generally unhappy in that home all around.

I get you, UF.

 

YES! That's exactly what I mean!

 

I especially think many moms fail to make time for themselves... in a constructive way!

[C-i-C-u]

 

If your last BF was an super abusive ahole... why have kids with him?

Because women are stupid they think they can change them blah blah this has been discussed many times but the main reason is that women don't think.

Why is scheduling a date like pulling teeth?

bc they are raising a kid by themselves and really their child's father is a kid himself in a grown man's body.

It bugs the crap out of me to be sneaking out of a bedroom at 4am so the kids don't see me!

LOL

Why have 3 kids with 4 different guys?

How is that possible?

I just get sad when a kid says something like "are you my new daddy?"

Dude, run raising someone's else kid is a bad idea especially if the mother is younger than 25. Gross.

 

I don't like paying for a babysitter when I didn't get a chance to negotiate the price! Why does my offer to pay for that mean it's going to cost $150!

Don't pay for it. You were being extorted by the female and her family members sad but true.

Finally, if your kids are your whole life... Why bother dating at all? I'm not looking to be something special right off the bat... but I'm not going to permanently be second place to another guys kids.

Bc a women likes to have a man's attention they need it so they go out looking for it regardless if their priority should be their children because they were stupid enough to get pregnant in today's age. Women there are birth control pills and abortions that work really great. If you don't want that then give up the kid to COUPLES that are able to afford a kid and want them.

[BlueHarvest]

On a side note but related to the thread...anyone notice an arbitrary amount of *young* single moms on PoF.com/okcupid.com/craigslist?

 

Granted craigslist singles are SO bad right now I'm not sure I even want to look, it's all spam....but I digress.

 

It feels like there are alot of single moms in their VERY early 20's (like has a kid that's 4-7 and is 23. (I.E. Teenage Mom).

 

I don't know. I could deal with someone who had a kid in their 20's but for some reason teenage moms just scream "Dumbass, why didn't you use protection?...Did you really want a kid in your teens?"

 

But that's just me...

[Skump]

So, Yeah last night sucked. Again. I've been on a string of fairly bad dates the last month. For some odd reason they have all been single moms.

 

Okay, I'm at a loss here: It's as if nature has put out this huge, neon warning sign just for you, right in plain view. You stroll on by it and over a cliff. You marvel at your mistake, and then proceed to take the plunge several more times.

 

Finally, broken and bleeding at the bottom, you curse the cliff?

[betamanlet]

I dated a single mother, she treated me horribly, but in no way is she a stupid person despite having a child at age 15. Went to an ivy league school as well, and has more brains in her knee than I have in my head..

[silverfish]

UF just don't date single mothers then if it's not for you.

Some men seem to have this perception that single mothers are somwhow 'damsels in distress' that need rescuing or saving when actually the opposite applies.

Often, women who are single parents CHOSE to be because their ex was an a hole for whatever reason. Yes, they may talk about him but the sensible ones will only do so with their friends and not potential partners.

I don't expect anyone to pay for babysitters - thats why I'm on my own - because I WANT to support myself and my children without being beholden to a man.

As for putting my children first - so? 10 - 15 years ago I would have been putting my career first, and that took up as much time if not more than my children.

Now i have balance in my life. I work etc and if I date I clear the decks for that too.

It makes no difference whether the man is old or young or has children or not. I am looking for someone who will love me for me and not for what I do, what my children are like, or what my ex treated me like. I look for someone who is passionate and intelligent and funny and hopefully evertthing falls into place after that...

[Trimmer]

Finally, if your kids are your whole life... Why bother dating at all? I'm not looking to be something special right off the bat... but I'm not going to permanently be second place to another guys kids.

 

Interesting perspective. I realize what you are saying and feeling, but do you realize that the way you've put it here, you are sort of philosophically competing with the other guy. It's not so much about the kids - it's a head-to-head with "him", for "her", and the kids are just the proxy, a symbol, a constant reminder. Don't know what to tell you about that, except to point out that her commitment to the kids is not a symbol of her commitment to "him", it's about her bond with them as children. In other words, to her, they aren't "his" kids as you put it, they're hers.

 

As a parent, I get this so completely, so deeply, but I also understand that my bond with my kids is different from my bond with a partner, so it's not an either/or thing - you aren't "competing" on the same spectrum, at least in the area of love and intimacy. It may feel that way because you are competing for time, but you are in a different emotional place.

 

But notably, there's nothing that will shake the bond between a parent and his/her kids - at least, a decent parent that you would ever really want to get to know, or date. So if you cast it as "them or me" or expect her to prove that she's "giving 100%" by shorting them, it's not going to happen with any decent mother.

 

Okay, I'm at a loss here: It's as if nature has put out this huge, neon warning sign just for you, right in plain view. You stroll on by it and over a cliff. You marvel at your mistake, and then proceed to take the plunge several more times.

 

Finally, broken and bleeding at the bottom, you curse the cliff?

Well, it's brutally frank, but you can't beat the eloquence of the metaphor.

[silverfish]

Interesting perspective. I realize what you are saying and feeling, but do you realize that the way you've put it here, you are sort of philosophically competing with the other guy. It's not so much about the kids - it's a head-to-head with "him", for "her", and the kids are just the proxy, a symbol, a constant reminder. Don't know what to tell you about that, except to point out that her commitment to the kids is not a symbol of her commitment to "him", it's about her bond with them as children. In other words, to her, they aren't "his" kids as you put it, they're hers.

 

As a parent, I get this so completely, so deeply, but I also understand that my bond with my kids is different from my bond with a partner, so it's not an either/or thing - you aren't "competing" on the same spectrum, at least in the area of love and intimacy. It may feel that way because you are competing for time, but you are in a different emotional place.

 

But notably, there's nothing that will shake the bond between a parent and his/her kids - at least, a decent parent that you would ever really want to get to know, or date. So if you cast it as "them or me" or expect her to prove that she's "giving 100%" by shorting them, it's not going to happen with any decent mother.

 

 

Well, it's brutally frank, but you can't beat the eloquence of the metaphor.

 

That's a good post. Thanks for putting it so well...I'd also add that your capacity to love maybe increases when you have children and have experienced life. Yes it becomes more complicated but it's not always a bad thing - it focuses you more as to what you want from life

[ADF]

So, Yeah last night sucked. Again. I've been on a string of fairly bad dates the last month. For some odd reason they have all been single moms. Now, I've had a few long term relationships with single moms, so I know this is probably just a random streak. It really doesn't feel like it though. Here is what has me irritated at the moment.

 

If your last BF was an super abusive ahole... why have kids with him?

 

Why is scheduling a date like pulling teeth?

 

It bugs the crap out of me to be sneaking out of a bedroom at 4am so the kids don't see me!

 

Why have 3 kids with 4 different guys?

 

I just get sad when a kid says something like "are you my new daddy?"

 

I don't like paying for a babysitter when I didn't get a chance to negotiate the price! Why does my offer to pay for that mean it's going to cost $150!

 

Finally, if your kids are your whole life... Why bother dating at all? I'm not looking to be something special right off the bat... but I'm not going to permanently be second place to another guys kids.

 

It sounds like you don't like dating dingle mothers because they act like single mothers. And, frankly, you sound rather self-righteous and judgmental towards single mothers. I would not date them from now on.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Interesting perspective. I realize what you are saying and feeling, but do you realize that the way you've put it here, you are sort of philosophically competing with the other guy. It's not so much about the kids - it's a head-to-head with "him", for "her", and the kids are just the proxy, a symbol, a constant reminder. Don't know what to tell you about that, except to point out that her commitment to the kids is not a symbol of her commitment to "him", it's about her bond with them as children. In other words, to her, they aren't "his" kids as you put it, they're hers.

As a parent, I get this so completely, so deeply, but I also understand that my bond with my kids is different from my bond with a partner, so it's not an either/or thing - you aren't "competing" on the same spectrum, at least in the area of love and intimacy. It may feel that way because you are competing for time, but you are in a different emotional place.

But notably, there's nothing that will shake the bond between a parent and his/her kids - at least, a decent parent that you would ever really want to get to know, or date. So if you cast it as "them or me" or expect her to prove that she's "giving 100%" by shorting them, it's not going to happen with any decent mother.

 

Trim,

 

I completely agree with most of what your saying. However, kids are never his or hers... kids are always theirs. That is something I can't be a part of... nor would I want to interfere.

 

You have to recognize that there are plenty of situations where a clear choice has to be made, and if she lets her kids rule those choices... I'm sorry, but that is a broken situation.

 

Besides... It's been some time and I'm not grumpy about bad dates anymore.