Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I have fought putting my story out. This is not easy to type, because all I want to do is forget. Forget love, forget him, forget my stupidity in believing. However, I was told it might help get this over faster....so here it is. I was a happy, if quiet woman, I have made myself a good life and my own little world. I have had relationships, but never had I met anyone like him. My heart had never been touched. He was intense, passionate, exciting to me, charming...and he directed it all in my direction. He brought so much into my life. I never met anyone like him. At first I was not interested, but he won me over, he always rushed to my side when he saw me. He made me believe it was love, he courted me, seduced me with his words and actions. Maybe I was a challenge to him, I don't know. There were other women making him offers, I saw it, but he never appeared to notice. He seemed to ignor them. So, I let myself open up to him, trust him. We were together at least part of every day and night, I adored every moment. He became my protector, it was so nice to have someone strong to help me and care. The night he proposed was incredable. How was I to know that was the last day? Three days later he was gone. Left town for a while and did not even say goodbye to me. He just left me to figure out things on my own. I was frantic and that became devastation as I learned. I was not his only lady. How he found the time I dont know. I think he left when one of the others got pregnant. The last time I spoke to him, he was so different. Like a man I had never met. I knew something was wrong. I just had no idea. Now I can only assume I was just a game he was playing. He must have never loved me, but how could he seem so real? I never thought I would fall for this sort of game. Its too cruel, if you just wanted someone to f***, there are plenty of women who would have been thrilled. He never answered my attempts to reach him. To my shame I begged him. Well, a week after I did that, I knew he would never return or give me answers or closure. So I deleted his name and information. I boxed up everything he had given me and stored it, but I can't rip him out of my heart. It might be easier if I had some memory of him treating me bad...fighting...nope, he painted me only an illusion. So my mind knows...but those cursed feelings/memories/desires keep returning. No, I dont want him back, even if he did come back. Its over and I never want to do it again. I don't want to see him or speak to him now. So what happens? He finally e-mails me. I was weak. I read it. He sort of apologized, said he was sorry for leaving without a word. Gave a list of reasons that dont make sense and I suspect are lies. He told me, he was living with a woman who loves him! (Another dagger to my heart, what for? Did he need to tell me that?) Anyway, he is 'sorry for the pain and discomfort' he caused me. (Yeah sure you are). Anyway. So there I am. I don't see how I will ever be able to love wholeheartedly if a REAL man ever comes along. How could I trust again. Those same words, which turned out to be only lies? I am so afraid now.
TaraMaiden Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You'll get over it. Everybody does. Sooner or later...... it never ceases to amaze me that people fall in love in such an unprotected way.... opening yourself 100% to someone passes control of your emotional responses to that person. The moment we realise that they can only get to us if we let them - if we abdicate that control - we can then be more guarded about how much of our fragile selves we expose. The secret is to belong 100% to yourself, and not be willing to give it all away. Nobody has a right to 100% of me. That's why I can be happy with less than 100% of someone else.
Odyssey Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 The night he proposed was incredable. How was I to know that was the last day? Three days later he was gone. Left town for a while and did not even say goodbye to me. He just left me to figure out things on my own. I was frantic and that became devastation as I learned. I was not his only lady. How he found the time I dont know. I think he left when one of the others got pregnant. There was more than one other girl?!? That's down right despicable! How long were you with him for before he'd proposed to you?
Author Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) Odyssey - We were together 7 mths. I had known him about 3 or 4 months before before he started to pursue me. So less than a year in total. Tara - is it possible to love without opening yourself up to being hurt? I did not think that was possible. I thought I did things right. I did not jump for him impulsively, I took a look at his friends (You can tell a lot about someone by the people that they hang around with. They were all good people). I had good self worth, I thought my judgement was sound, I thought I asked him all the right questions. I seem to be wrong...but... Edited November 3, 2009 by Dark_of_the_Moon
Odyssey Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Less than a year? Wow...from your post, you really fell head over heels for this guy. I don't think it's possible to love & not open your heart to that person either. But there's a big difference between pouring your heart out right from the beginning, and having it drip feed slowly as you get to know the person and they reciprocate. Sometimes things aren't always certain. It's a risk that we take...until we get taken for granted.
Author Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) Yeah I did and I dont know why. I have lots of guy friends, been hit on often, but for whatever reason this one was different. like being swept up into a storm. You see why I feel like a total idiot now. Edited November 3, 2009 by Dark_of_the_Moon
GrayClouds Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Tara - is it possible to love without opening yourself up to being hurt? No, but to the degree of how the hurt effects you is your choice. It is not about being protected but realizing how amzing the thing your offering, your love, is and truly respecting its value. The more we see and respect our "love", the better we get at judging who deserves it and who dose not. The less likely we will make concessions for people, or to give it away on the cheap to replace feelings of unworthiness, loneliness, horniness. More importantly we understand that no matter if people come and go in our life the beauty and depth of our "love" can not be taking away, we own it.
Ilovecake Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Dark of the Moon. You did absolutely nothing wrong and please do not let bitter, jaded people tell you otherwise. You are human therefore you open yourself up to other humans, it's very natural to want to be loved and respond when love is given. Unfortunately there are people out there who are broken and they become predators because they are selfish and have no idea how to deal with the human world in any other way. There is no way to tell that because part of falling in love is trusting another being while you're constantly getting to know them. Some people put trust in others right away and others need to learn to trust by observing the other person's actions. There is nothing wrong with living either way. What happened to you is extremely rare and I’m so sorry that you have to go through all that pain. I can’t even begin to imagine how betrayed you must feel. I really hope that one day you will be able to trust again. Just know that a large percentage of people out there are good and loyal and they want to be loved just as much as you do.
slowmoveguy Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I feel your pain. Honestly, I say maybe loving will be hard, but relating to someones pain will always be there. You've gained something, most heart breakers are to imature to learn. God be on your side.
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