turnstone Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I'd like to gain some perspective on an OW's mind and her possible motivations. I left my very nearly ex husband straight after finding out about his many affairs. Its over, I'm divorcing him with no question in my mind even though his attempts to win me back have been huge and are escalating. At least one of his OW knows of his obsessive behavior towards me but she's still sleeping with him and appears to still be pursuing him as a full-time mate. So you guys, really thinking about it, do you honestly want the MM you're involved with on a full-time, exclusive basis? More specifically, what if he was making repeated attempts to reconcile with his wife, but at the same time was telling you he had every intention of continuing to see you on the side? In other words, demonstrating to you he is the very definition of a cake eater? Would you still want to see him? If so, why? Most importantly, did anyone experience this situation as the OW and how did it work out for you? Did he commit to you in the end? Frankly, I'm grasping at understanding the situation in the hope that she'll get what she wants.
Author turnstone Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 I'd love you to. However, I have no PM access.
1Angel Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Me neither. My email is tonya222222 AT gmail.com. I'm spelling it out so spam bots don't get a hold of it.
OWoman Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 So you guys, really thinking about it, do you honestly want the MM you're involved with on a full-time, exclusive basis? In my case, there were repeated attempts at reconciliation - but from the BW side. He was done. We're very happy. I hope one day she can be, too.
Author turnstone Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Thanks OW, but your situation isn't relevant to the question. I was about when the MM is attempting to reconcile with his wife.
LadyDi Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 No, I don't want him. I USED to want him, badly. Now days, no thank you. He runs home every single time a D-Day occurs or W gets suspicious, I get thrown under the bus. He's not leaving and thats good with me.
broknhearted Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I want my MM on a full time basis, or so i thought at first. now that i think about it though... i dont think he could ever let go of his wife or stepkids that he's close to, which i would have a problem with the wife part of that. i understand the kids even though they arent his. he would always have that connection with her. i would probably be jealous all the time. he is a bad flirt and admits it to me. flirts with everyone. would i be able to tolerate that? i dont think so. i dont think mine will ever leave though. says 'i love you but.... we have responsibility to our kids... when im with you it not just sex to me'. i kinda believe that about the sex part. although maybe i shouldn't, probably just telling me what i want to hear because if he told me the truth i'd dump his *ss. i'd never be able to trust him because he obviously has no morals if he's cheating on her. he might do the same to me. now i'm actually questioning whether i want him or not???? but this is just me and my situation... i have a lot of soul searching to do to see if he's even worth it for me. i keep going back to if he really loved me he would be with me. it makes me sad a lot that i've been going through this for 3 years now... but thats my choice. no one twisted my arm.
Author turnstone Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 broknhearted, I hope you find some sort of resolution. Ladydi, are you going to finish it with him? Or are you happy to continue in the affair? I'm not clear from what you say.
broknhearted Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 broknhearted, I hope you find some sort of resolution. Thanks... i hope i do too.
TogetherForever Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 No, I would not want him if he tried to reconcile with his exwife.
NoIDidn't Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 turnstone this is a classic situation of the OW believing that she can change him or prove to him that she is more worthy than the woman that left him. Its what he is encouraging her to believe. Its also this woman's poor opinion of herself that keeps her hoping for him as if he is the last man on the planet. Its also a classic situation of the MM that disrespected his W because he thought she was too stupid to not know what he was up to, or that he could convince her to stay if she found out. In situations like yours, the men ALWAYS attempt to keep the W that shows them that she has far more respect for herself than he previously thought. He wants the woman that is willing to put her foot down, but not the woman that he is using as a stand in. The poor OW in this sitch doesn't stand a chance unless he suddenly develops empathy. Chances are she knows about other OWs as well, not just you.
StoptheDrama Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 now that I know the real him and am no longer being gaslighted, I do not want anything to do with him...unfortunately, we still work together and that can be enough of a chore. He is not the man I loved; that man died, if he ever really existed. He is a hollow, callous, manipulative, probably NPD shell of a man and I deserve much better than that...
MizzBlue72 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 If he is actively pursuing his W, then no. I would want him to make it work with her. I would just be a distraction I think .... and as much as I love him ... SO much, his happiness means the world to me.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 This is the very question I asked and still ask often. Based on how he has treated me over the years, and what he was doing to his wife, I alwaays thought he was done his marriage before we met..but no. My exMM is single now and it sickens me to thick I sat around for years thinking this man had a place in my future life, when I watched what he did to me, (lies) and did to her (lies). He was a coward. He is a nice man i believe, very or a major actor and is playing a part. Who really knows. BUT NO, if I had him, the excitement would turn into distain, add to my trust issues, and every women he was friends with, worked with, every business trip, I would worry he was cheated and lying. I was a long distance affair, started as not an affair, etc. Over the years the stories seem like BS, the disdain I have for him is growing and I feel like he is sleeping with others, and I dont want him to come to me with that...I am not sharing anyone ever again and I cant trust what he tells me. I made this man get aids tests 3 times I think, that should tell you something about my trust. He claimed I was the only one, but I had doubts...the lies or distrust have eaten at my soul 5 plus years and I dont think we could ever be together and I hate what he did to his wife THE real issue is, we are still in contact and he is single for first time in way more than 20 yrs...so he is out dating and probably loving it, probably dating high school girls or girls scouts (sorry that was mean) but i am sure he is having a middle age break down and wants attention from many women, not necessarily from me. I filled a major void before, dont think I fill any now that i have expectations in behavior and communication. ASs long as I am a puppet on a string, he would see me for the rest of my life, I bet, but I dont think he could or would ever want a real relationship with me now. The years have bittered me toward him and toward trust of men in geberally. Why would i want someone who lied to his family, spent hard earned money to fly me out to see him or fly to see me...somewhere undisclosed. Every time he spent money on a plane...or a hotel, I felt sick to my stomach that he should have spent that money on his family..and how badly and sick i would feel as the BS to know that "OUR finances" that could have gone to the kids, were being spent on OW. That would wreck me. I am more angry at him for what he did to her, than me. He seemed to have no conscience about her feelings, when I did. WTF. WHy would i want to be with him..because he makes me feel alive and like no other, on the flip side, he makes me feal (I make me feel...he has no real power, i DID THIS) like crap, like a horrible person for what I did, we did, and like a bad/drama filled person just because I dont accept what he gives anymore as is. I expect a man to be straigh up and be able to have an adult conversation especially after all the hurt i let him cause to me. SO NO, I dont want him, but it is a sticky slick slope, I still love him and cant imagine not seeing him again. Its a scary and unhealthy addiction. He is lucky he never got caught, or maybe he did and lied. Who knows Do I want a partner I cant trust, do I want a partner who I worry is full of ****, even tho a great man, do I want to spend every day or week wth sick pains in my stomach feeling the person I love is totally full of st... NO NO NO Will I see him again, maybe...will I have boxing gloves on and a big pro wrestler at the door ready to take him down in a second..(lol..kidding0 NO AFFAIRS SUCK LIES SUCK BETRAYING SOMEONE SUCKS suck suck suck... On that happy note, lol I hope everyone BS, OW, and all who fall between, have a good day and a good week man we waste a lot of time on people we probably should walk / run away from. lfmm
wheelwright Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Skylar Blue (sp?) put it well in another thread - if you are OW and then continue the A after MM goes to work on his M, then you are demoted to mistress. And no way. Out of respect for their M and from a need to not see the man I love turn into a cake eater. I said to my xMM when he went to work on his M that nothing more would happen between us. He said that it wouldn't be the same anyway.
OWoman Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 No, I would not want him if he tried to reconcile with his exwife. I would never want anyone who wanted someone else. I'm not the kind to stand in queues. Besides, if he wanted to return to the hell he left... his counselling clearly failed, and I'd rather not be stuck with a fruitloop, tyvm!
Author turnstone Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 I'd rather not be stuck with a fruitloop, tyvm! You took the words out of my mouth.
Author turnstone Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Thank you all so much for your replies, its given me a lot to think about and mull over. lfmm, the MM in your case sounds a lot like my very nearly ex husband with the exception of the money. Although wealthier than most, he would have insisted you buy your own plane ticket. Infact he probably insist you bought his too, as of course you'd be the one benefitting from seeing him. stopthedrama, it seems that NPD plays a large part in affairs. I hope if nothing else, it makes the NC easier. nid, you've hit the nail right on its little head. Also, I think the reason he married me rather than any of the other women he was probably screwing at the time was because I stood up to him, had respect for myself and to not only gave respect to others but expected to receive it from them too. I am willing him and his OW's relationship to work out.
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