ash82 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke it off with me about a week ago, and I'm a total mess. We had what looked like a perfect relationship, we only ever had a few little fights every now and again (and never to the point where one of us stormed out or spend the night away from each other) We lived together in a house we were renting with thousands of dollars worth of stuff that we purchased together including our dog. This dog is not like a normal dog to people, its our baby and it gets treated like one. We built more then the foundations of a life together, we basically have everything together. About 3 weeks ago she told me she was unhappy, this came as a total shock to me because 2 weeks before hand she was coming home from work and telling me how much she missed me and doing all those things she normally did. She had even just set up a joint bank account for us to start saving for a house. She explained all the things that she didn't like, I'm a bit lazy and I was not doing things around the house (letting the lawn get overgrown, not helping out much with the house work etc) and the other issue I have with showing my emotions and not spending enough time with her. I listened to all the things she said and I really did understand what she was saying. I decided that I would change those things not only to make her happy, but also to make me a better person. She was happy she got if off her chest and things seemed normal again. A few days later she told me she still was not happy and she was going to stay at her parents for a few days to clear her head. She left for 2 days and then came back and said we could work it out if I fix up my faults, we made a short list of things for me to work on (eg. Quit smoking, save more money, help out around the house) and that night we went out and had a nice dinner together then went to the movies. We came home and went to bed only 10 mins later she turned on the bed side light, turned to me and told me is was not working. The next day she left for her parents again. At this stage I was sure that it was over and that she was not going to come back. 5 long days went by and then she came home! She was back for the weekend and she just seemed to mope around the house, every now and then I got a rise outta her and a giggle but I couldn't ignore that fact she seemed sad. I asked her why see was and she told me again its not working, that she does not feel the same and she wanted to end it. She packed up a few overnight bags and left. She has been gone for a week now and we have spoken a few times, she tells me its just not going to work and that her mind is made up, that she is not even thinking about it anymore, but when she got worked up she blurted out that she re thinks about her decision every day, five minutes later when she had calmed down she was back to the her minds made up and shes not thinking about it story. (a few times we talked about things she has said one thing but then totally contradicted it when shes is worked up) I don't want to lose this girl, I love her so much and am willing to do whatever it takes. I'm trying not to think that shes going to come back, but my mate come over and I told him. He walked around my house and grabbed a bunch of her stuff and said “If shes so sure its over, why has she not come and taken her stuff, why would she choose to live out of a overnight bag?” I told him she must not have had any time free to do it... he responded by telling me that's rubbish, she works 9 – 5 mon to fri, she has plenty of time to get it. This is true, she only took not even 5% of her stuff. If she had made up her mind why has she not moved her stuff out, it may have only been just over a week, but believe me my ex is very efficient, the girl I know would have moved her stuff out the next day if she know it was final. Another thing that stops me from believing its over is my past history of relationships. My first long relationship (3 years) I was also dumped because the feelings were gone. I annoyed this girl for a little bit telling her we could fix it, but not even a week went by after I stopped contacting her and met a new girl she came running back to me in tears begging me back. My next relationship lasted for 4 years and again I was dumped because the feelings were gone. I chased her and begged and pleaded to take me back only to be totally treated like I was invisible. Then after a week of giving up, not txting or calls she showed up at my house in tears telling me how much she wanted me back. The good old want what you cant have idea I guess. So only a few days ago I started to leave my ex alone, after 3 days she came around to get the dog to take for a walk and asked me if I was not talking to her. I got worked up and broke down (I was going to make out like I was fine, but I could not do it) I have done so much reading into all this “getting your ex back” rubbish and the information talks about having no contact with your ex and make her come to you, I don't if I believe this rubbish, but my past relationships both showed that this idea seems to work. I have gone back to trying to be strong and not make contact with her, but half way threw writing this post she called me up to ask what I was up to, what did I do today, how I was feeling. I was just nice, I didn't get upset and I did not bring out anything about the relationship... I just chatted away to her. Why is she calling me asking these things? So when it comes down to the hard facts I guess she has only really been gone (with her mind made up) for just over a week, I only lasted 3 days with the whole not contact idea. I really want to hear some peoples thoughts on this break up Is it over or is she just confused? Do you think she has really “made up her mind” 100% or she has not made her choice at all? Should I give up any hope of her coming back? Or should I chill out because she will come back? And what do you think I should to help my chances of getting her back.... Play the whole “I'm cool with it” and seem fine to her? Cut off as much contact with her as I can. No calls, texts or visiting her? I know that no one has the perfect answer, what I'm after is opinions, more so girls that have been in a position like this. I want her back so bad, I don't want to give up hope. Please help!
Author ash82 Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 oh and some more info that might help give you a bigger picture. She is 22 and I am 27, we have both had other past relationships. Only a month after we started dating she moved in with me, we have spent ever night together for the past 2+ years. We did know each other for a few years before hand but only because we used to work together. She claims that she believes that I can change, but says its to late. She has a large amount of close friends but has only told one of them what has happened.
BG1985 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 How come YOU have to change? Is there anything she needs to change? I believe if y'all do get back together, it will be a temporary fix. When it's over, it's over. There is no need for you to try to salvage it. It will only happen if she wants it to.
bluestraps Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 For sure you need to look at your behaviors first . What are the reasons your ex has given you for her change in the way she feels. If she comes back you need to show her a new you. Thats part of NC . You want her to see you as new. A new outlook. Remember back to when you first started dating. I have just been cheated on and dumped on about 5 weeks ago. And she did this with my friend.But Im more in tune to the. "You dont do", "you dont do that" thing. While my ex and I lived apart, which causes its own problems. She would tell me that i wasnt being romantic enough or I had in the last few years failed to get her either a christmass present in 2007 because I couldnt afford it . Stuff that may seem minor , is very important to women.Or Something that was the catalyst for my breakup was not getting her a present or a card for our aniversary this year . I also ran out of money and she had to pay for dinner.And the big one ..I had not asked her to marry me yet.A relationship will run its course eventualy if it does not evolve . You are not married yet even though you have been living as if you are. Ive gotten the Magic of Making up and the similar how to get your ex back guides. In your case I would follow these. There is no one involved with her . This will make your attempts much easier.You need to show her a new you . . You said you do not show your emotions well or spend time with her . Thats gotta change and quick . Go and read some books. Get on the internet. If you really are in love with her. I would rather spend time with her than with friends. A man should be tough but not with his woman.I lost mine i think permanently . But You may have a chance.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You are right about one thing - if you leave her to her own devices, she'll come back if she truly has an interest. I found this article when I wanted space from my XH: People frequently come to me with this problem. Some years ago I came up with an answer and have not felt the need to change it. It works. Follow the four steps. 1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING. This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone a lot. Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.) 2. SURVIVE Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It's not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of the other gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more. 3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi. Learn what you can. Read my paper on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. What led you to be so unaware of your partner? What lead you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, work on yourself. And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change. When I say “visibly” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. 4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never loose it again. Good luck. P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”. You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear rramework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing will, probably lead back to the leaving problem. Being stubborn about learning to do new things seems to be the only path. I forwarded it to my XH (still married at the time, just separated). Had he followed it, I would have considered reconciliation. But he just kept pushing me and pushing me and finally it pushed me away. If you're interested in more of what that guy has to say, I'll let you find his site. I have no idea if he has anything more helpful to say to your situation, but you can google the author's name: Al Turtle. I'm not allowed to post his website.
bluestraps Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 How come YOU have to change? Is there anything she needs to change? I believe if y'all do get back together, it will be a temporary fix. When it's over, it's over. There is no need for you to try to salvage it. It will only happen if she wants it to. Yes, Thats true. but unfortunatly she's the one who left so it's on you.If she is worth it she will welcome communcation. You guys can talk about what bothers both of you, after you reunite.You can either be right or be happy which one is it ??
Author ash82 Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 In response to a question before no there is no one guy in her life. And yes I do know this for sure. I need to change because I was honestly at fault, I can see that without a doubt. I was so lazy, I did not show her enough affection, I came up with excuses to get out of going to things with her friends involved (Not that I did not like them, they just all knew each other so well, all conversation would turn to "remember when this happened... and I always felt a little outta of the conversation) My mistakes were not major, but little things that would add up to cause a larger issue.
DSM2709 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hey Ash, I'm sorry for your situation. I know exactly all too well how you feel, I went through the same damn thing with my ex. We are "friends" now, but I'm slowly getting back on the horse, and meeting new people. It will take some time, but hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
samspade Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I didn't read your whole post - don't have to. Here is what you need to change: I don't want to lose this girl, I love her so much and am willing to do whatever it takes. Until you assume a more independent and self-assured mentality, you are doomed to a life of heartbreak. My advice: Lose this girl. Always be willing to walk away. It's very liberating.
torranceshipman Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I agree with SamSpade-be willing to walk away. I split up with a long term boyfriend once, and it was because the spark had gone and I loved him but didn't love him romantically anymore. I would have loved to stay in touch, asked how he was, etc, but it was too hard (for him)...it was so weird to go from all to nothing, but it had to happen. Also she is only 22 which is very young - probably way too young for her to be in a serious R. I think it is quite possible that she hasn't come over to get her stuff because she is very overwhelmed, and right now the split has drained her, and she needs to regroup, as it were, before having the strength to face you and move out, and deal with all the guilt she feels. I really think you need to walk away from her, hard as it is. Sorry to hear you are going through such hard times...if you go NC you can a) heal quicker and b) if there really is any chance she'll come back, this is the only way it'll happen.
Lovegod Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 About 3 weeks ago she told me she was unhappy, this came as a total shock to me because 2 weeks before hand she was coming home from work and telling me how much she missed me and doing all those things she normally did. Why was this a surprise? You cannot make someone 100% happy. Women need to have their happiness, sadness, anger, and everything inbetween. They like variety in their emotions. I'm a bit lazy and I was not doing things around the house (letting the lawn get overgrown, not helping out much with the house work etc) Oh really? And how much did she do around the house? If she's not happy with what you're not doing around the house, then SHE should do it! Lazy women will b!tch about all the crap her man doesn't do. An ambitious woman will go and do it themselves. the other issue I have with showing my emotions and not spending enough time with her. You're not a girl. You're a man. You have stuff to do, and you don't barf out your emotions like you've had too much love to drink. As long as you show her that you appreciate her, you don't need to be an emotional sickie. I decided that I would change those things not only to make her happy, but also to make me a better person. Again, a woman will never be 100% happy, so don't even try to help her get there. said we could work it out if I fix up my faults, we made a short list of things for me to work on (eg. Quit smoking, save more money, help out around the house) What a witch. You should be happy she's gone. She KNEW she was getting involved with a smoker, she could put some money away, and she could probably do more around the house too. We came home and went to bed only 10 mins later she turned on the bed side light, turned to me and told me is was not working. The next day she left for her parents again. At this stage I was sure that it was over and that she was not going to come back. 5 long days went by and then she came home! At this point, you should have told her to keep her ass at her parent's house. You shouldn't have to put up with her crap, as well as her indecision to leave for good. I asked her why see was and she told me again its not working, that she does not feel the same and she wanted to end it. She packed up a few overnight bags and left. LOL! What a joke. I hope you changed the locks after that. I don't want to lose this girl, I love her so much and am willing to do whatever it takes. Are you freakin' nuts? She nags you, she can't make up her mind if she wants to stay, and she changes her mind every ten minutes. Do you really need her screwing around with your emotions like this forever? HELL NO. Kick her to the curb PERMANENTLY and get yourself a woman who appreciates you. There's tons of women out there, and there's got to be a few who are BETTER than this piece of female trash. He walked around my house and grabbed a bunch of her stuff and said “If shes so sure its over, why has she not come and taken her stuff, why would she choose to live out of a overnight bag?” And she left a bunch of her crap there. Show her how you're doing more housework now, and either send her garbage back to her, or toss it in a dumpster. The only thing that isn't over about this relationship is the drama. Do yourself a favor and end ALL OF IT because she sure as hell isn't going to do it.
torranceshipman Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 See the difference between men and women right there, if you compare what I said to how LoveGod said it
seibert253 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Don't bet the mortgage on the "no other guy". Something, or better yet SOMEONE, is drawing her away from you. This is leading to her confusion, coming then going. Are you 100% sure she's staying with her parents, or are you just relying on what she tells you? For the entire time you were together she accepted your faults, (all of us have them). Now, in a span of a few weeks, bamm, she doesn't know what she wants? Come on. Something is amiss here. I know I'm not the only one to see this. OK, it would be one thing if over a span of several weeks or months she started to withdraw from you, the relationship grew cold, yada yada, then you got the "I don't know what I want" shpeel. But the way you described it, this was like getting smacked in the head with a brick, and not seeing it coming. I don't know dude. I've gotten that same line in the past and I was like you, thought no way there's another dude. Guess what, I was wrong. IMO you need to investigate, find out what she's doing, don't know if you have access to her cellphone records, but if you do, I would check them for repeated suspicious calls or texts to an unknown number. Do you have a home computer? Does/did she have access to it? You may want to check browsing history, emails, IM's, etc. I'm telling you, don't take her word as Gospel when she tells you there's no one else. Maybe there is no one else, I truly hope I'm wrong about this. But, you need to investigate to rule that aspect out. If there is no one else, then work on you, being the best you, you can be. If she's still not interested in the best you, well them I'm sorry but it's not ment to be.
boogieboy Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Shes young, doesnt want to be tied down to you, and regrettably, she IS seeing someone else. When they are trying to get away from you, dont ever believe what they say. She might say shes not seeing anyone, but she is. That is why she is going back to you and then leaving. Ignore her, dont talk to her, that is what works. Problem is, she didnt get down to the real reason she left you, either she couldnt put her finger on it, or she found someone new and is just making excuses. You wont find that out until months later though. Shes 22, shes immature, and she wanted to try someone new. Leave her alone. BTW when she calls you asking what you are up to, dont tell her shyte. She wants to know you havent moved on without her, while she moves on without you. Thats all thats about. She misses you a little bit, but heres the scoop: When she calls you, she wants to have the friendship that she misses- without the relationship, but it helps her get over you faster the more she talks to you. Every time you answer her call, you help her move on. So whatever you do, do NOT answer her calls until she begs for you back. Make sure its all or nothing. Those books about how to get your ex back dont work at all. Youve seen this before, you have to cut them off to let them miss you. If you keep talking to her, they wont get a chance to miss you. Problem is, she is so confused right now, she will just come back to you then leave again.
Author ash82 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Firstly I thank people for there honesty, tho I feel that there might be a few to many people that have had there hearts broken and have lost all trust in people. My ex came over last night in her PJ's and watched a movie with me, we did not talk about the break up or anything sad, rather we shared jokes and had a really good time. I know this does not mean that were back on, or that its even a step towards the right direction. We also talked a few days before and she told me how much she has cried and how much all this is hurting her (Until she said this I was worried that she was not hurt at all) she also used a funny way of saying that she was doing the right thing.. maybe I'm reading to far into this, but the whole point was for her to be happy. The way she choose to say that she is happy now was "I'm happy at the moment" .... at the moment, I would have said "I'm happy now" ... look I know that it looks like I'm going way to far into things, but my ex chooses her words very carefully.
Lovegod Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 As such, everyone's advice got flushed down the toilet. Enjoy your rollercoaster ride.
Author ash82 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 No, don't take it like that at all. I listened to what everyone had to say, and a lot of it really helped me find out more about that is going on. There has just been so many negative things. Just wanted to bring up our time together last night and how much of a good time we had, see if anyone re-evaluates the situation at all.
BG1985 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I had great times with my ex too after she broke up with me. We even got back together full swing a couple times. All you are doing is postponing the inevitable. Once it's over, it's over. People break up for a reason. If everything is going wonderfully, why in the hell would you ever want to put an end to it? This girl is using you as a crutch to help her move beyond you. Did y'all get sexual with each other last night? Was it just like the old days? If not, just cut her off. If she really wants to get back with you, she will hunt you down and force you to take her back.
Author ash82 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 No nothing sexual happened. It was like old times but better, more like closer to when we were first together, it was the most I have seen her smile in a long time.
BG1985 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Ash, the sex wasn't as fruitful, but emotionally things seemed better between the two of us as well. Yes, we reminisced about the good times and then the next time I saw her, it was like those good times had never existed. Don't let yourself be blinded. You are only postponing the inevitable pain that will occur when she leaves you again.
gtrguy Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 100% agree with you. This was literally what happened to me word for word. Get out of it before she hurts you man. Sorry you are going through this. Ash, the sex wasn't as fruitful, but emotionally things seemed better between the two of us as well. Yes, we reminisced about the good times and then the next time I saw her, it was like those good times had never existed. Don't let yourself be blinded. You are only postponing the inevitable pain that will occur when she leaves you again.
RedDevil66 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 She is young and not very mature. She is almost doing this to get your attention as a way to manipulate you to change. I'm a 43 yr old woman and can tell you, LoveGod is fairly accurate when it comes to how some women act. NOT ALL WOMEN, some women! Want to try an experiment? Don't pay attention to her and watch how fast it will go from "Stop smoking and get off your butt " to "It's ok if you smoke while I mow the law" Get back in the drivers seat Now I need to hand in my "woman card" for telling our secrets :-)
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