dreamergrl Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 So stemming off from another thread of a person who feels it is okay to have sex with multiple people and not let their partners know.. When/if you are casually dating and sexually active with more then one, do you feel you should tell them that you are sexually active with other people? Would you want to know? I can understand to a point about not letting them know you are seeing other people, but I feel it is important to let them know if you are sleeping with other people. Some say, just wear protection, but several diseases can still be passed with a use of a condom. It also takes up to four months for many diseases to show up in blood work. So doesn't a person have a right to know if you're increasing those risks by sleeping with other people besides him/her?
Rudderless Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 It depends on the scenario. When I've multi-dated and we've talked about other partners that way, I've always known it's really just a sexual thing that's going nowhere. Conversely, actually when I meet someone I really like, I don't multi-date. It's pointless and I don't get how someone wakes up one morning not too fussed about someone talking about each others current sexual partners and then another morning deciding they are going to be exclusive with them. That's what I call settling.
JustLooking123 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Don't people just assume that their partner (in a casual sex/non-exclusive situation) is sleeping with other people and potentially has an STD? I figured it was just an assumed risk.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 It depends on the scenario. When I've multi-dated and we've talked about other partners that way, I've always known it's really just a sexual thing that's going nowhere. I get this, but what I mean is don't you still feel it is important to disclose if you are just having sex with someone besides that person? Don't people just assume that their partner (in a casual sex/non-exclusive situation) is sleeping with other people and potentially has an STD? I figured it was just an assumed risk. I think assumptions is what causes the spread of diseases though. Not everyone shares the same assumptions, so just because you make that assumption doesn't mean someone else has, and they might want to know.
BCCA Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Once we have sex, I almost immediately follow it with 'the discussion'. A couple days tops. If youre having sex with me, we need to be exclusive in that area, or I'm out. I assume a lot until we have a talk, but once that happens, there are no two ways about it. I dont want to sleep with you and everyone youre sleeping with.
Rudderless Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I get this, but what I mean is don't you still feel it is important to disclose if you are just having sex with someone besides that person? Not really, because I think if you're sleeping with each other and not exclusive it's pretty obvious you're both bonking other people.
JustLooking123 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I get this, but what I mean is don't you still feel it is important to disclose if you are just having sex with someone besides that person? I think assumptions is what causes the spread of diseases though. Not everyone shares the same assumptions, so just because you make that assumption doesn't mean someone else has, and they might want to know. Obviously I agree that it's wrong to have unprotected sex if you know you have an STD. In a perfect world, we'd all tell each sexual partner our entire sexual past, but that's just not gonna happen. If an individual chooses not to protect himself or herself by engaging casual sex (with or without a condom), that's their choice, with all the associated risks.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I think it is important to know...for safety's sake. Personally, I assume that unless we have a talk about exclusivity, both he and I are free to see, date, and sleep with who we like. Typically, though, omitting the one-night-stand kind of thing, I like to discuss exclusivity when the relationship becomes sexual.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Obviously I agree that it's wrong to have unprotected sex if you know you have an STD. In a perfect world, we'd all tell each sexual partner our entire sexual past, but that's just not gonna happen. If an individual chooses not to protect himself or herself by engaging casual sex (with or without a condom), that's their choice, with all the associated risks. But there's many out there they may not know they have an STD because they don't show symptoms, they've gotten tested before it shows up in the blood work and such. And even with a condom there is no guarantees. Why not reduce the risk more by disclosing the fact you're sleeping with multiple people so one can make their own choice if they want to have that risk? Just given some of the responses shows that not everyone is okay with it even if it's just dating. Some want to just be exclusive in the sexual area.
pandagirl Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Not really, because I think if you're sleeping with each other and not exclusive it's pretty obvious you're both bonking other people. I think it's kind of frightening to me that we should "assume" this. I take care of myself and ask the right questions, but I wish we could all "assume" that people are respectful of each other when it comes to issues of being safe in regards to sex. Realistically though, I can see people sleeping with multiple people, but it shouldn't go on too long before you should disclose this info to your dating partners. I dated a guy for 2-3 months until I found out he'd been dating/sleeping with another girl the entire time. Too long to withhold this information, personally speaking.
Rudderless Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I think it's kind of frightening to me that we should "assume" this. I take care of myself and ask the right questions, but I wish we could all "assume" that people are respectful of each other when it comes to issues of being safe in regards to sex. Realistically though, I can see people sleeping with multiple people, but it shouldn't go on too long before you should disclose this info to your dating partners. I dated a guy for 2-3 months until I found out he'd been dating/sleeping with another girl the entire time. Too long to withhold this information, personally speaking. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways. Either you choose to see multiple people or you don't. This is exactly why women that multi-date are red flags to me because they are the type of people that cannot use common sense and intuition. I just generally take what I want from them - might sound harsh from me but it's honest.
JustLooking123 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 But there's many out there they may not know they have an STD because they don't show symptoms, they've gotten tested before it shows up in the blood work and such. And even with a condom there is no guarantees. Why not reduce the risk more by disclosing the fact you're sleeping with multiple people so one can make their own choice if they want to have that risk? Just given some of the responses shows that not everyone is okay with it even if it's just dating. Some want to just be exclusive in the sexual area. Relax, I didn't say I am doing this, I'm just pointing out what is happening.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Unfortunately you can't have it both ways. Either you choose to see multiple people or you don't. This is exactly why women that multi-date are red flags to me because they are the type of people that cannot use common sense and intuition. I just generally take what I want from them - might sound harsh from me but it's honest. But seeing and screwing multiple people are two different things.
pandagirl Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 ALSO! I would like to add, as some people on this board know, I have herpes. I told the aforementioned guy I had herpes on our third date. He was fine with it. I did not have sex with him though, until I discussed sexual exclusivity with him, which is when I found out he'd been sleeping with someone else. Believe me, he would have definitely had sex with me 100%. I'm the one who wasn't comfortable yet. We were still sexually intimate in a way that he could have passed onto herpes to the other girl he was seeing.The other girl did not know about me either. Just an example of why it's important to ask questions and to be upfront about with your sexual partners.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Relax, I didn't say I am doing this, I'm just pointing out what is happening. I understand, and I'm just pointing out the flaws in this. I don't see what good comes from it.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 ALSO! I would like to add, as some people on this board know, I have herpes. I told the aforementioned guy I had herpes on our third date. He was fine with it. I did not have sex with him though, until I discussed sexual exclusivity with him, which is when I found out he'd been sleeping with someone else. Believe me, he would have definitely had sex with me 100%. I'm the one who wasn't comfortable yet. We were still sexually intimate in a way that he could have passed onto herpes to the other girl he was seeing.The other girl did not know about me either. Just an example of why it's important to ask questions and to be upfront about with your sexual partners. PG - I didn't want to bring it up, but I had thought of you (not in a bad way). This is why I think it is important for people to disclose that information. There's too much 'unknown'.
Rudderless Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 But seeing and screwing multiple people are two different things. To you and most women they are because of what the act of sex is to them. From my point of view there's no difference between seeing and screwing a number of people at the same time, it has the same meaning. It's a fair deal that if they treat seeing me with a level of respect and keep it exclusive then I will treat sleeping with them in the same way.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Don't people just assume that their partner (in a casual sex/non-exclusive situation) is sleeping with other people and potentially has an STD? I figured it was just an assumed risk. Holy cow. No way. I discuss other sexual partners before opening my legs. Gees. I can't believe more people don't do that. Ahhh...re-reading, you say in a casual/non-exclusive situation. In regards to the OP - I can't do casual. Never could. Never will. Current partners better be equal to 1 (meaning me), or the muffin shop is closed. Testing is also discussed. And protection is a must. Not only do I not want a disease, but I really don't want a kid outside of marriage.
JustLooking123 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Holy cow. No way. I discuss other sexual partners before opening my legs. Gees. I can't believe more people don't do that. Ahhh...re-reading, you say in a casual/non-exclusive situation. In regards to the OP - I can't do casual. Never could. Never will. Current partners better be equal to 1 (meaning me), or the muffin shop is closed. Testing is also discussed. And protection is a must. Not only do I not want a disease, but I really don't want a kid outside of marriage. All I'm saying is that casual sex is, by definition, casual. The other person very well may be having other sexual partners. And I think the average American adult realizes this. I'm not a casual-sex-haver, so this does not apply to me. I'm just pointing out what I thought was obvious (that casual sex carries an inherent risk).
BookerT Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) People will do whatever feels good regardless of the risk. Casual sex, doing drugs, driving whilst over the limit. (lots of people do all 3) If people had more self control they wouldn't do it. Some things in life aren't needs, but they feel good, so why not? (even if they put oneself or others at risk) If people didn't do any of the above then no one would die from STBs, ODs or alcohol fueled accidents. Edited November 3, 2009 by BookerT
New Again Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Honestly, I think you're talking about (and looking for) the ideal. What should be the case in a perfectly honest and responsible world. And the fact that you're making it a moral issue, and asking whether people should disclose their sex lives makes it more of a philosophical question. I'm sorry to say, but you have to look at the reality, not the ideal in a perfectly responsible world. That is why you're getting all these answers about assumptions. The reality is that people tend not to disclose these things. Therefore, any realistic person who engages in casual sex will assume that their partners are sleeping with other people and you and s/he are at risk.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Like many people, I've had sex before becoming exclusive. I don't have a problem with that. But I did say that I want to know if he's sleeping with anyone else. I don't want to be sleeping with more then one person, nor do I want to be sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others. If someone fancies sleeping around, then that terminates the idea of dating them and seeing if it will go exclusive.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Once we have sex, I almost immediately follow it with 'the discussion'. A couple days tops. If youre having sex with me, we need to be exclusive in that area, or I'm out. I assume a lot until we have a talk, but once that happens, there are no two ways about it. I dont want to sleep with you and everyone youre sleeping with. That is totally backwards. You should have that discussion BEFORE sex... not after.
pandagirl Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Like many people, I've had sex before becoming exclusive. I don't have a problem with that. But I did say that I want to know if he's sleeping with anyone else. I don't want to be sleeping with more then one person, nor do I want to be sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others. If someone fancies sleeping around, then that terminates the idea of dating them and seeing if it will go exclusive. If someone was sleeping with someone else, unbeknownest to you, would that be a deal breaker for you? Even if you didn't have an exclusivity talk prior?
Vertex Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 It's usually safe to always assume worst case scenario unless proven otherwise. You should just assume they're already sleeping with other people, and that you may be exposed to STD's. If that risk bothers you, then I think it's important to do something about it. However, many people are willing to take the risk. Personally, I'm not willing to take such a risk and feel that it's important to divulge any information that may be relevant if someone's at risk.
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