learnfrommymistakes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 To OW What made you eventually cut off all ties and move on from your A? What was the last straw and what gave you the strength to walk away from someone you were madly in love with? How did you heal and learn to trust again, if you did??? Even though my Mm is now divorced, all the old fears and mistrusts and pain are slapping me in the face hard, thinking he is bull** me all over again. He wants to come see me, we live far apart from eachother. he is single and from his account has had a few casual dates to kill the time, so to speak. DO I believe him, hell no. BUT yet he wants to get on a plane to come see me, and I think he has other women, not just dates. WHEN IS enough enough, especiaally when it is long distance. I feel so weak and pathetic and feel like I wont be able to trust anyone because this has been so painful and full of lies since day one really. HOW did you say no more??? how did you get the KAHOOOONAS to just say NO more? Do you regret it? thanks I am really struggling with cancelling this potential visit because my gut says run fast, he is full of ****, but when he tells me he loves me and wants to see me, I wonder what the angel would be? Why lie to spend $ and come see me, when you are single and already have some potential gals where you live? Why keep f-ing with my head when you dont have to??? Is it love, is it BSh* i think i know my answer, just venting and also feel like throwing up..lol hot hah? lfmm
fooled once Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 To OW What made you eventually cut off all ties and move on from your A? What was the last straw and what gave you the strength to walk away from someone you were madly in love with? How did you heal and learn to trust again, if you did??? Even though my Mm is now divorced, all the old fears and mistrusts and pain are slapping me in the face hard, thinking he is bull** me all over again. He wants to come see me, we live far apart from eachother. he is single and from his account has had a few casual dates to kill the time, so to speak. DO I believe him, hell no. BUT yet he wants to get on a plane to come see me, and I think he has other women, not just dates. WHEN IS enough enough, especiaally when it is long distance. I feel so weak and pathetic and feel like I wont be able to trust anyone because this has been so painful and full of lies since day one really. HOW did you say no more??? how did you get the KAHOOOONAS to just say NO more? Do you regret it? thanks I am really struggling with cancelling this potential visit because my gut says run fast, he is full of ****, but when he tells me he loves me and wants to see me, I wonder what the angel would be? Why lie to spend $ and come see me, when you are single and already have some potential gals where you live? Why keep f-ing with my head when you dont have to??? Is it love, is it BSh* i think i know my answer, just venting and also feel like throwing up..lol hot hah? lfmm I am sorry you are struggling. I am having a hard time with him being single, saying he loves you, but going on dates???? What is that about? Do you two have that agreement, that it isn't monogamous or exclusive?? IF so, why? I knew enough was enough when I got tired of waiting, got tired of the lies and got tired of 'hiding'. It always became a bad time to call, a bad time to come over, etc. I just knew I couldn't keep listening to it, waiting around and letting life pass me by. I was 32 years old and just knew this was not how I wanted my life. Only YOU know when you are tired of the lies. Hopefully, it is sooner rather than later.
beachbabyblues Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 the answer. I think so many of us woman just want to "belive" and feel that wonderful love "feeling" that we shut off our senses. Sometimes our instincts are our best judge. Have you heard about the Cat and String Theory? Her tis'... A man is a Cat, a woman is a String. The Cat loves to play with the string when its wiggled around and dancing in the air, but as soon as the String is placed in front of him - just laying at his feet for him to have, he gets bored and walks away. This came directly out of a book written by a Man on how to be a player and get women. What do you think of this theory? Sucks eh?
Alpha Female Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 For me, it happened this weekend when MM and I had plans for him to move in with me, and was clearly pulling back for two weeks prior. I challenged him on it, he couldnt refute it, and eventually admitted he was too weak to leave, despite wanting to be with me. I asked him today for full NC. I think you cut if off when you realize hes never going to be yours. When you get tired of the broken promises and lies. Keep in mind, this man lies all day long - to his W, and I think its naive with OW think their MM isnt lying to them. Im honestly astonished at how easily my MM probably lied to me. These men are selfish and you serve a purpose so long as you are quiet and obey. Start demanding anything, and dont expect it to last, or, expect him to really start jerking you around. Its up to you how much you want to take. Do I regret it? Its pretty recent but nope. I keep thinking about what would happen if he magically showed up at my doorstep with flowers and divorce papers filed, but even then, when I know the capacity and ability he had to hurt me as much as he did, I dont think Id ever want him again. (But Im a woman and I reserve the right to change my mind - ha ha).
Confused4Now Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I wish in all of these type of threads....People would really take the time to go to Therapy. Therapy helped me a lot in the last year. I went through a horrible period as I know a lot of you people are going through. I have gone NC for about 3 months and at that time I did truly let her go. When she came back and told me she was ready....I never forgot how I felt last year and I made that promise I would never go back there again. So yes I'm more guarded with my feelings however since my contact with my MW is limited I know what I have to do for me. Therapy is the key to all of this....it really is. It made me recognized things in me and of the situation. If it wasn't for therapy I don't even know where I'd be. I pray for all of you who are hurting...its the worst feeling in the world. But I'm not there anymore.....thank GOD.
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Fooled No agreement whatsover, never have. He has never lived near me, and even when he got separated, it was not for me, I was dating someone else, a wonderful man I could not fully love because I was so f-up about MM...Gosh when I look at the years and patterns of avoidance, when it came to anything about me and my feelings, I want to puke. I was dating my now ex boyfriend when the exMM finally got his divorce recently....Since then, my bf and I broke up. Its complicated. So the exmm would text and say he still loves me, always ready to do a long distnce hook up, once a year, but never ready to talk about anything much. I have been there for him, thick and thin, from afar, he, is around when he needs me or knows he will be seeing me and gets all eager for the fantasy weekend. Big issue is distance, neither of us would move, I would never moved based on my distrust and big life where I live. Ijust never trusted him...he has lied...when he got back with his wife after they were first separated. He needs female attention and seeing me once a year wont be enough....he never asked me to come to see him, couldnt because he lives in a small town, and I never asked him to move here. I feel so sick and had some uncomfortable text messages...think he is player and BSing me and already has a physical relationship going, not just some casual dates. I dont get why a man who knows how much you love him, would lie about loving you back, if he does not live near you, and is now single....whats the angle? I think I have it figured out, he likes the once in a while fantasy weekend of passion and ego boosting and sex...and when it comes to more, he hides like a little baby and avoids all adult conversation. I love him and he is a nice guy, I just cant deal with this anymore. I neve rknow whats real with him. he made me feel like what we had was unique..but I see he never wanted to do any of the work or adult communication it would take to make anything work. He lives in denial, and I cant live it with him. My sickness comes from the fact that I think he may have another long distance person, that I dont know about, or didnt. The I LOVE YOU SH** is falling on deaf ears. It is bizarre how I would never settle for this treatment from a single guy or boyfriend. Its disgusting that I would allow myself to feel this way...yet, when I see him or hear his voice, I get weaker and we just connect in an intense way. I am not this type of girl either, not at all. Highly independent and full life, decent life, and many a good man has come my way, yet he just gets to me. I realize 100% that if we did try to date normal style, it would never work because I would loose respect for him so fast, and his avoidance would be horrible to live with up close. He wants intense passion and we click...and I need to find a way to end this once and for all. I just wish he was honest. ONCE. I asked him so many times if he just wanted a sometimes hang out, if he wanted it to be more, if he wanted out totally, if he was confused, etc etc...I told him no matter it would be ok, I just needed an answer so I could move forward, with the knowledge I craved, begged for. He avoided all questions except to always say he loved my company, and it was MEDICINE to him. If he ever reads this web site, he will know this is about him. I am so tired of protection him...i have always protected him, and now its my turn to protect me. I am rambling and just beside myself. 6 f-ing years...he had me in his pocket, MY FAULT....totally my fault, I should have left him the DAY he got back with his wife. I did tell him abt 100 times it was over, but always failed to stay away...would end up just texting or emailing to say hi and check in. How pathetic. SO he did buy a ticket to come see me, but I am guessing after our awkward texts , that he will probably just not come. Unless I play it his way, by his rules, and be the quiet little toy doll he can wind up....then it does not work as well. UGH this is pathetic really. I cant believe I let myself fall so hard...when I tried like hell to walk away a thousand times. Its hard to do this now that he is single, but i imagine he is sleeping with at least one person already and I dont share that, I wobt be the other women again for this man, NEVER....I learned from my mistakes... he can choose who to see and I can choose not to see him!!!!!!!! thanks for letting me vent. The post about the cat and the string is perfectly fitting and so true. He likes the chase, the game, the dancing/dangling fun string, and when its laying still or not playing by his rules...it gets too heavy I have a lot of frustration and anger yet I dont hate him and dont want to be mean and just tell him off, though I will send him a letter and air all my stuff when its time to say goodbye for good, which I think is soon...I really do Thanks LFMM
Author learnfrommymistakes Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 COnfused I did therapy several times, and have done self help for 10 plus years or more, heavy. It never really helped me with this relatiionship. I was open to help and healing and I just could not work through this one...I have never felt anything like the connection we had, and have dated way too many men to count. I dated a lot over my lifetime and not one person got to me like him. I am sure that is because I never had him nor had to live with him. I am sure it would not work, but I am not the type to be just a fk buddy, and never wanted to be that for him, it was deeper, and I know he genuinely cares for me, but he never saw it as a relationship I guess..just a person to spend time with, that kept her mouth shut always. Boy I wish I could find the biggest megaphone and tell the world some things, or tell his wife she is better off without him, he lied to her so often I imagine, and my heart always feels sick for that. I will never forgive myself for being part of this, I am just as guilty, though I always believed their marriage was over way before we met... arghhhhh enough complaining for now. This site has opened my eyes, made me paranoid for sure..lol..but opened my eyes. lfmm
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