beachbabyblues Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I want so badly to send him an email... right now. And tell him how much he has hurt me with his lame ass excuses, ignoring my emails, ect. Any advise? Is it worth it or just let it go?
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 he wont "get" it. he wouldnt be doing the things he was doing if he had the ability to understand your side.
NowhereToHide Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I've told my cAP many times how much he hurt me. It never really helped. But I will say it did make me feel better that I made him aware of how I felt. But his responses were just lame. If you do it do it for you, not if you are hoping for a certain reaction.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 BBB hard call for sure, I struggled with that so many times, throughout my A. The ignoring the emails is the killer for me, because you know they have access to email, and are just stuck or lying or whatever. I did try to tell my eMM how hard it was to be on the other end of this, and not know what was truths or lies. I dont think he has a clue as to what I went through and the pain and sickness it still causes me because now i am questioning if it was real and if I was an OOW...OMG... You know, if you keep everything locked up, it can burst...but you have to think about what reaction you are hoping to get before you send it, because it may just reinforce the exact things you are hurt from. When I did this in the beginning, my ex MM was very sweet and hated hurting me, then as time went on, it seemed he just ignored it, to a huge degree, and that hurt more than anything. When i begged him just to tell me anything, goodbye, that he was staying with wife, that all he wanted was a lay, or etc etc etc I gave him every out, every excuse and he ignored me like the plague, I never asked him to leave nor said a bad work abt his wife. i was more concerned abt her than he was... SO sometimes I think it is worth it to get it off your chest and sometimes it just makes it worse. I wish i never laid eyes on my exmm at this point, because now he is single and i think he is still lying to me about other women and i want to puke thinking he has another person in another state...etc good luck and sorry you are hurting lfmm
lovekillsslowly Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I think you should do it for the simple reason that if you don't you will always wonder "what would of happen if I sent that e-mail???" If you send it then you will know the results.....good or bad....positive or negative....something or nothing. If you don't send it you will wonder for the rest of your life "what if" and living with "what if" is no way to live. Answers, no matter how painful they might or might not be, are so much better than the unknown.
Author beachbabyblues Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 I am so grateful to you all for your honesty and insight. How can so many wonderful, smart women be in this same rocky boat? Any and all insight into my dilemma would be much appreciated. I tend to be very impulsive and send him very quick responses without sitting on it for awhile. So damn emotional where HE is concerned. But god he is so damn sweet and I cant help but love him. See? What a f@ck up I have become.
NoIDidn't Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Why would you send him an email when you just stated that he is "ignoring" your emails?
Author beachbabyblues Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Why would you send him an email when you just stated that he is "ignoring" your emails? thank you... i needed that.
Heather1 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Don't send him a thing!!! here's the thing we should all think about..what is attractive to men (or to us for that matter)? Sometimes, when I'm feeling really sad about the whole thing I come to my senses thinking, "I want him to love me, but I'm a disaster & I don't even like me right now." Granted, it's a hard situation. Remember when you mirrored each others attraction? The desperation really scares men, especially if they're M. He'll probably look at that & be scared off even more, making his decision clearer for him. The best thing to do is leave it alone. Not for his sake, for yours. Every time I sent an emotional email I really regretted it, and it did me absolutely no good. You have to admit, because of the situation, we all signed up for getting hurt.
wheelwright Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Everybody is hurt unless someone in the equation is a sociopath. I think there is some point to telling the hurt if you are still involved with someone, but after that it is a kind of self-humiliation. Why not write down the hurt in a letter you never send? It feels just the same for you, but doesn't continue the victim dynamic. If he does not feel guilt/hurt already, then he never will. Let your feelings out without dragging yourself through the muck. And if you run into him, let him know that you are holding your dignity through any hurt. That is for your self-esteem.
1Angel Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 YES! write it all out every emotion and hold nothing back. Then DO NOT send it. Just hold onto it, re read it or put it in a journal. If he's ignoring your correspondence now he doesn't care about your feelings. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
Author beachbabyblues Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Don't send him a thing!!! here's the thing we should all think about..what is attractive to men (or to us for that matter)? Sometimes, when I'm feeling really sad about the whole thing I come to my senses thinking, "I want him to love me, but I'm a disaster & I don't even like me right now." Granted, it's a hard situation. Remember when you mirrored each others attraction? The desperation really scares men, especially if they're M. He'll probably look at that & be scared off even more, making his decision clearer for him. The best thing to do is leave it alone. Not for his sake, for yours. Every time I sent an emotional email I really regretted it, and it did me absolutely no good. You have to admit, because of the situation, we all signed up for getting hurt. I totally relate to the "I am a disaster right now and I don't even like me" That hit a nerve. I know the odds of ever ending up with him a next to 0% and if we were able to be one of the few that did "make it" we would definately have to communicate all of our feelings, good and bad a whole lot better than we have done thus far. Again. thank you You rock!
Author beachbabyblues Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 YES! write it all out every emotion and hold nothing back. Then DO NOT send it. Just hold onto it, re read it or put it in a journal. If he's ignoring your correspondence now he doesn't care about your feelings. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Thank you for this... HARSH is probably what I need right now. A wake up call from all my fellow OW. Man this is hard. I miss him way too much.
Author beachbabyblues Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 YES! write it all out every emotion and hold nothing back. Then DO NOT send it. Just hold onto it, re read it or put it in a journal. If he's ignoring your correspondence now he doesn't care about your feelings. Sorry if that sounds harsh. And I will take your advise and write everything... and then delete. I believe he does care. He just goes quiet when he doesn't have an answer. I do understand this much about him but it is frustrating as hell.
Morelikeher Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 They're right, don't send him ANYthing. I have been NC with my xMM for a little over 3 months now. In the beginning, it was very hard to not contact him. I texted him one morning, only to have his W call me back. I was humiliated. THAT has kept me away. I still have moments that I want to contact him. This week has been very difficult. I just keep thinking about how I felt when he went back to his W. The unbelievable pain... I still love him, but I've got to learn to love myself more. Write it all down in a journal. Get it out of your system - cry, vent, whatever.
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 What is it that you exactly 'miss' about him? Do a list of all the good and then a list of all the bad. Go into DETAIL. See which list is longer and which one upsets you. The one that upsets you - The crap, the rollercoaster ride of emotions that you go through with this MM, ask yourself, is it worth it? He may care, but not enough to DO anything to change the situation. He's OK with how things are, an OW on the side and a wife at home. Why would he want to give up one woman, when he can have two?
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