sad and alone.

[lkjh]

JAG - one of the most well-written, down to earth posts I have ever read. You are probably one of the only people who has read my posts, understood and gotten into my heart. Hit the nail right on the head. And I'm certainly not saying that youre telling me what I want to hear, but it was all justified. Thank you for taking the time to post, thank you for the words of wisdom.

 

 

You need to post on the infidelity board because all you are getting here is OM/OW who sympathize with you. Your affair was not justified, you seem to only be focused on the MM, and you are allowing the affair to continue by keeping contact with him.

 

1. A week ago you used your kids as an excuse to go to an event where the MM was at and you took your H with you. You should not have done that, you should have gotten a babysitter to do that.

 

2. When the married man is talking to you, you leave the conversation open. If you really wanted to end this affair you would have reported him to HR.

 

3. Every one of your post are focused on the MM somehow. Either how you miss him, don't understand him, hate him, or just thinking about him. Then you try to fool yourself by saying something like "I want my marriage". You can't just say it, you need to work at it.

 

4. You really haven't done anything to save your marriage. Have you quit your job? Have you become 100% transparent? Have you started NC? All of those are No's. You can not be transparent as long as you have contact with the MM

 

 

You are a grown person and you need to act like it. Stop looking for a pity party, if you are alone its because of your own doing.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

ok. so lets look at this situation differently. there are several women on here still involved in affairs, hiding it from their husbands, but yet crying/posting about the pain involved. theyre not given the same advice. not at all. so because I had dday i should be expected to feel differently than those people?

 

what you havent noticed is that im not on here "wishing" he would call or waiting for a response to an email or tex that ive sent. im not contacting him, not planning ways to win his heart. im not wanting him back. im wanting to come to terms with the fact that ive f***** everything up for a lie.

 

as far as my kids. absolutely not. no way im going to miss out on their lives and hire a babysitter to take them to soccer or school functions or anything. they are my children, with or without the affair. and hes not stopping being there for his children. i refuse to let what ive done change my involvement in my kids lives for even one second.

 

and work. again, not an option. i struggled through college and graduate school to get where i am today. i would gladly take another position if i could find a comparable one, but again, not going to run from this man and lose what ive worked so hard to earn.

 

as far as HR is concerned. well there is no HR. i think after my cold reaction to him the other day that he wont be speaking to me anymore. if he keeps attempting to talk then i'll have to step it up a bit and drill it into his head that im not talking to him about it - especially in my office with him sitting on my desk trying to be all friendly.

[whichwayisup]

Awesome post reply JAG.

but again, not going to run from this man and lose what ive worked so hard to earn.

If you want your marriage to work, your H to begin to trust you, the best thing you can do is ask for a transfer so you won't have see/deal with MM anymore, OR quit your job. Part of YOUR consquence of having the affair is facing the fallout of your choices. Own it.

 

Sure, you worked hard to get where you are now, but in your H's eyes, that means nothing because you jeoparized your career, let alone your marriage by having an affair with someone you work with. Actions speak louder than words, so leaving your job isn't running away from exMM, it's doing what's right and best for your marriage. Also, imagine everyone at work finding out about the A. It could happen, and it won't be comfortable when that happens.

 

If you do decide to post in infidelity, (many MM and MW have posted there) there are alot of folks who will guide you, help you - As long as that's what you want. Your H and marriage.

[jwi71]

ok. so lets look at this situation differently. there are several women on here still involved in affairs, hiding it from their husbands, but yet crying/posting about the pain involved. theyre not given the same advice. not at all.

 

That's patently untrue. They IGNORE the advice given because they don't like it. And I've been here long enough enough to know when an OW (especially the MOW) isn't looking to improve their M. Their looking to assuage their own pain, guilt, shame, loss, remorse, etc. And those posters, I WON'T post to. Why? They won't listen. And I'll get the whole "bitter BS speech". I'm not. Just giving what I think provides the best chance at individual and marital recovery.

 

So what you think is differing advice based on position is wrong. Its based on attitude. LS is VERY consistent to posters.

 

Now stop being defensive.

 

 

so because I had dday i should be expected to feel differently than those people?

Lord no. I have more respect for you than you know. The coming clean took courage found only in a foxhole.

 

I'm telling you to SET ASIDE your feelings and focus on your H. Is it fair to you? Not really. But you MUST put your H and your M first now. I KNOW how hard it is. I lived it too. There is a limit to your H. A line that once crossed there is no return. No one knows where that line is...I doubt your H does. But its there. And every day your H is not your focus brings you closer.

 

what you havent noticed is that im not on here "wishing" he would call or waiting for a response to an email or tex that ive sent. im not contacting him, not planning ways to win his heart. im not wanting him back.

Thats great. However your posts DONT support the NC bit. You choose contact. By the soccer game or whatever. By staying at your job. Do you honestly believe that has escaped your H's understanding?

 

im wanting to come to terms with the fact that ive f***** everything up for a lie.

You don't need the MM for that.

 

as far as my kids. absolutely not. no way im going to miss out on their lives and hire a babysitter to take them to soccer or school functions or anything. they are my children, with or without the affair. and hes not stopping being there for his children. i refuse to let what ive done change my involvement in my kids lives for even one second.

You missed the point. You refuse to miss out on your kids lives.

Your H has his face rubbed it your A every time. Every time he goes and "plays nice". Every day you go to work. Hard to heal a wound when your spouse keeps picking at it for you.

 

and work. again, not an option. i struggled through college and graduate school to get where i am today. i would gladly take another position if i could find a comparable one, but again, not going to run from this man and lose what ive worked so hard to earn.

Not about running from your MM but running TO your H.

Sorry BEG, YOU jeopardized all you earned. No one else.

And, tbh, YOU are placing your job before H.

 

I think you should speak with a lawyer at this point. No, don't file for D. But retain professional legal advice. Learn D law in your area. Tell your attorney your story and see what pitfalls exist for you. It won't hurt you to know what a D entails and the like...

[anne1707]

A direct question MBEG. Is it worth me spending the time posting to your threads. I am genuinely trying to help you and do very much understand how you feel because I have been there. Yet when you respond to posts, you seem to ignore my comments (even though quite a few others are saying the same as me).

 

If you don't want to hear what I have to say, just let me know and I will stop posting.

[whichwayisup]

She is posting here because she doesn't have a lot of people to talk to about her feelings regarding her xMM. Just because her posts are about her A does NOT mean that she isn't working hard to repair her marriage. A person can KNOW the right course of action and be working towards that yet still have conflicting feelings.

 

Then the next time a MM posts about his OW, give HIM the same respect that you are giving this poster, a MW. It's odd, whenever a MM posts in this section, he gets beat up on by some of the OW here, like he's their MM.. Yet when a MW posts, it's the complete opposite. Anyway... Sorry to go off topic there.

 

Everyone IS helping her, NOONE has been rude, at all! There's been NO name calling. Just pure honest, heartfelt, yet harsh advice. She doesn't need hand holding right now, she needs to face the music and make some tough decisions, and not let FEAR of being alone get in the way.

 

Suggesting she posts in the infidelity section is to HELP HER get to the next phase, that is, if she wants recovery in her marriage.

[NowhereToHide]

Excuse me but this an open forum and as far as I am concerned everybody who has posted to MBEG's threads has been trying to help her. We may have differing viewpoints but that does not mean that you can come on here and tell people to BACK THE **** OFF OF HER. If you believe anybody has posted inappropriately then report it to the moderators and let them decide.

 

 

Inappropriately, no. Insensitively, yes.

 

My point is, BEG should have the option of coming on this forum to talk about her feelings regarding her xMM. Just because she is posting on here about her xMM does not mean she isn't working on her marriage. This is where she SHOULD be posting about him.

 

EVERY time she has posted asking for insight into why her xMM did something, or how he might be feeling, etc. she has gotten attacked for "focusing too much on him and not her marriage".

 

Everyone who has been through this knows that the grieving process can be considerable. While she is putting on a strong face to her H and trying to reconcile, I don't believe it's too much for her to ask for help with her feelings without getting her butt kicked. Berating her for still having feelings for him isn't going to stop the feelings. Talking to her and offering up advice will. And so will time.

 

I am asking that everyone take her posts for what she is asking. Some have been asking for help with her marriage. Then others have asked for help getting over her xAP. I'm simply pointing out that she hasn't been able to post anything without some people being nasty.

 

Yes, many have tried to help... JAG just had a great post, for example.

[PhoenixRise]

Berating her for still having feelings for him isn't going to stop the feelings. Talking to her and offering up advice will. And so will time.

 

I am asking that everyone take her posts for what she is asking. Some have been asking for help with her marriage. Then others have asked for help getting over her xAP. I'm simply pointing out that she hasn't been able to post anything without some people being nasty.

 

Yes, many have tried to help... JAG just had a great post, for example.

 

Of course BEG has the right to come here and post all she wants about her AP and the affair.

 

The point that some here are trying to make is that while she is looking backward at the affair, the thing that she SAYS she wants for her future is slipping away.

 

 

She doesn't have the luxury of time. Not if she wants to save her marriage. Her feelings won't just go away but she needs to take definitive actions to manage those feelings. A very simple thing she COULD do is tell this MM that there is to be no contact between them at all for any reason other than business. OR she will bust him to his wife regarding the lies he is still telling.

 

BUT she hasn't done this. It is putting up a boundary to protect her marriage. Instead, she lets him come over and plop his a$$ on her desk hoping that she will get answers/closure. She doesn't get what she wants so she is hurt/angry and then she has to tell her husband about the contact and he is hurt/angry. All because she won't enforce a boundary.

 

It is not just the fact that she is posting about her affair and her feelings. It is about the actions/ or lack of action, that she is posting about that has people concerned.

 

BEG has STATED that she wants her marriage. The people who are posting here saying that she is focusing too much on the affair, that perhaps she should post in infidelity, etc are trying to help her get what she says she wants. Because truthfully, she can't keep looking back at the affair and work on saving her marriage at the same time. Whoever used the term "damage control" earlier is dead on. Her H, who she says she wants, is watching her. AND he is more keenly attuned to her moods and emotions than he ever has been before. He is noticing things that he wouldn't have paid attention to or would have explained away 2 months ago and he is making decision about his future based on what he sees.

[NowhereToHide]

Of course BEG has the right to come here and post all she wants about her AP and the affair.

 

The point that some here are trying to make is that while she is looking backward at the affair, the thing that she SAYS she wants for her future is slipping away.

 

 

She doesn't have the luxury of time. Not if she wants to save her marriage. Her feelings won't just go away but she needs to take definitive actions to manage those feelings. A very simple thing she COULD do is tell this MM that there is to be no contact between them at all for any reason other than business. OR she will bust him to his wife regarding the lies he is still telling.

 

BUT she hasn't done this. It is putting up a boundary to protect her marriage. Instead, she lets him come over and plop his a$$ on her desk hoping that she will get answers/closure. She doesn't get what she wants so she is hurt/angry and then she has to tell her husband about the contact and he is hurt/angry. All because she won't enforce a boundary.

 

It is not just the fact that she is posting about her affair and her feelings. It is about the actions/ or lack of action, that she is posting about that has people concerned.

 

BEG has STATED that she wants her marriage. The people who are posting here saying that she is focusing too much on the affair, that perhaps she should post in infidelity, etc are trying to help her get what she says she wants. Because truthfully, she can't keep looking back at the affair and work on saving her marriage at the same time. Whoever used the term "damage control" earlier is dead on. Her H, who she says she wants, is watching her. AND he is more keenly attuned to her moods and emotions than he ever has been before. He is noticing things that he wouldn't have paid attention to or would have explained away 2 months ago and he is making decision about his future based on what he sees.

 

Phoenix... you make a lot of great points. And I completely agree.

 

Here's what I'm saying in addition to that... she doesn't have time, she does need to get into damage control with her H. Yes, she MUST focus on her marriage and show her H that she is 100% committed to her marriage. Absolutely. Can't agree more. BUT while she is doing that, I believe that THIS board should be the place for her to come to vent about those feelings she still clearly has for her xMM. They aren't just going to go away overnight. And instead of talking to her H about them, she comes here. To ask questions, get insight, get support, get advice, to be sad momentarily.

 

These feelings for her xMM ARE a barrier to reconcilliation with her H if she doesn't deal with them and heal. My point is, THIS is the place for her to do that. So if she's posting something like, "hey, I'm sad about my xMM because I miss him".... that should NOT mean she isn't focused on her marriage. It just means that she is processing her grief over the loss of him and came on here to vent instead of letting those feelings fester and affect her mood (which her H could see).

 

I'm a lot like BEG. I am horrible at compartmentalization. I was never able to stick my xAP in some box and not think about him. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I don't think about him as much. Some of us need more time to process. She should be able to do that here (while of course recognizing that her M is her priority).

[jwi71]

Phoenix... you make a lot of great points. And I completely agree.

 

Here's what I'm saying in addition to that... she doesn't have time, she does need to get into damage control with her H. Yes, she MUST focus on her marriage and show her H that she is 100% committed to her marriage. Absolutely. Can't agree more. BUT while she is doing that, I believe that THIS board should be the place for her to come to vent about those feelings she still clearly has for her xMM. They aren't just going to go away overnight. And instead of talking to her H about them, she comes here. To ask questions, get insight, get support, get advice, to be sad momentarily.

 

These feelings for her xMM ARE a barrier to reconcilliation with her H if she doesn't deal with them and heal. My point is, THIS is the place for her to do that. So if she's posting something like, "hey, I'm sad about my xMM because I miss him".... that should NOT mean she isn't focused on her marriage. It just means that she is processing her grief over the loss of him and came on here to vent instead of letting those feelings fester and affect her mood (which her H could see).

 

I'm a lot like BEG. I am horrible at compartmentalization. I was never able to stick my xAP in some box and not think about him. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I don't think about him as much. Some of us need more time to process. She should be able to do that here (while of course recognizing that her M is her priority).

 

I strongly disagree.

That place is MC with her H.

That place is IC with a professional.

That place is her siblings, her family, her friends, her clergy, etc...

LS is NOT a substitute for those things but rather an addition to. Her primary means of this is with H, friends and family...and honestly shes NOT doing it. Her words. Not mine.

 

IMO, she is focused on the wrong things.

 

She wont skip soccer because she wants to be there for her kids. With her MM. And H. Does anyone think that was anything less than utter hell for her H?

 

She won't quit her job because she worked hard for it. And continue working with her MM. Again, not considering her H. Not easy for BEG? Impossible for the H.

 

Her pride prevents her from opening up to friends and family. The people she needs now more than ever.

 

Should she post in infidelity? I don't think so.

A repentant WS is received "ok" over there. Much harsher over there than here. And she isn't repentant. She says she is but her actions say otherwise.

I think BEG stays here for a while since she identifies more with OW than WS trying to save her M. (more "wrong focus" imo).

[NoIDidn't]

Who was the poster that was married and messing with the next door neighbor? I can't remember her name.

 

While I respect what MBEG is going through, her posts are starting to sound like the poster I can't remember.

 

MBEG, it might be helpful to you to read her threads if anyone can remember her name. Think of the advice that you would give her and see if that's what you are doing in your own situation. You get the respect of a lot of posters for the one thing that she didn't do: come clean.

 

You made a big step there. Unfortunately, you still seem so focused on losing the A while your marriage and the life that held your A together is what is literally crumbling before you. Sure, it may be for the best in the end (and maybe not the best for you, but for your H), but most of us want our marriages. Even the WS generally wants to keep the marriage in tact. And I think that's what you want more than getting back into the affair.

 

I can't seem to get the fact that you said that your secrets in the affair were no longer just between you and MM. Do you remember intimacy in your marriage? Secrets/confidences between you and your H, the stuff that brought you together in the first place? This is what you need to be remembering - not the A.

[blinded]

mbeg,

 

I can relate to you so much because it seems our stories are very similar. I see so much of myself in you. However, I never had a DDay. I can see how you are trying just to get through the day. You have received ALOT of very good advice. I feel like anything I add would just be repetition. I don't think anyone has said anything harsh except the truth.

 

Trust me, I understand that at this point you're feeling a plethora of emotions that you probably don't even know where to begin. One minute you want to do everything in your power to save your M and family. The next you miss being in his arms. I know.

 

I can't give any advice because it would be the blind leading the blind.

 

Hugs to you.

 

I'm sorry for not being any help. Just know you're not alone.

[Devil Inside]

MBEG...you have had quite the journey here lately huh? I feel you...on so many levels, and in many ways was in your shoes not so long ago. Ended an affair and was crushed. Told my W and she was crushed. Then I would beat myself up for not being able to just let go of the feelings I had for the xOW. The grief of the loss. The confusion over what happened. The disappointment in myself for not being able to focus more on the pain I had caused my wife.

 

I know for many here it has been easy to move on. However, most people are not wired like that. The feelings that go on in an A of the magnitude that MBEG had do not vanish into thin air. That is just how it is.

 

I would like to offer a suggestion. I think that you should do MC or have your H go into IC. See in many ways it might help if he had a space to talk about the devastation he is feeling. How he has been stripped of his manhood. How the world as he knew it has just been turned upside down. See I am a BS as well. Being cheated on is traumatizing. He needs help and support in trying to sort this all out and figure out if he can go in.

 

You also have to prepare yourself..because it is possible that he might not want to go on. That he can't. That he feel she deserves more...and you can't blame him. I don't think you would.

 

MBEG deep inside...do you want your M? Is that even something you can figure out right now...with all this madness going on? If so I do think that it may be helpful to go over to the infidelity board and ask others how their spouses proved to them that they were committed. Posters like Snowflower, Phoenix Rise, and No I Didin't have helped me soooo much. They do not always tell me what I want to hear..but they tell me what worked in their situations...situations that looked as dark as yours.

 

So you process you loss. You really think about what you want. Then you go for it. You may find...that what you want...is something else entirely. Good luck. We are here to root you on and support you in the darkness.

[anne1707]

Everyone who has been through this knows that the grieving process can be considerable. While she is putting on a strong face to her H and trying to reconcile, I don't believe it's too much for her to ask for help with her feelings without getting her butt kicked. Berating her for still having feelings for him isn't going to stop the feelings. Talking to her and offering up advice will. And so will time.

 

 

And if you read my posts, you would realise that I have been through this. I am posting based on my very personal experience and of what had to be done to save my marriage. As a WS, you don't have the luxury of time to recover from the affair before you can recover the marriage. You have to act now. Otherwise the BS will quite rightly leave.

 

I have never said that MBEG should stop having these feelings but she really does need to shift focus on to her H if she really wants her marriage. So many of us here want to help her. So many of us are offering her pretty much identical advice - stop focussing on the ex-MM, start focussing on the H. Deal with her feelings through IC and for both to go to MC. Plus the Infidelity forum will be very supportive if she is sincere.

[fooled once]

Inappropriately, no. Insensitively, yes.

 

My point is, BEG should have the option of coming on this forum to talk about her feelings regarding her xMM. Just because she is posting on here about her xMM does not mean she isn't working on her marriage. This is where she SHOULD be posting about him.

 

EVERY time she has posted asking for insight into why her xMM did something, or how he might be feeling, etc. she has gotten attacked for "focusing too much on him and not her marriage".

 

Everyone who has been through this knows that the grieving process can be considerable. While she is putting on a strong face to her H and trying to reconcile, I don't believe it's too much for her to ask for help with her feelings without getting her butt kicked. Berating her for still having feelings for him isn't going to stop the feelings. Talking to her and offering up advice will. And so will time.

 

I am asking that everyone take her posts for what she is asking. Some have been asking for help with her marriage. Then others have asked for help getting over her xAP. I'm simply pointing out that she hasn't been able to post anything without some people being nasty.

 

Yes, many have tried to help... JAG just had a great post, for example.

 

Sorry NWTH, I have to disagree with you.

 

Not a single person is 'attacking' her. They are asking her to be brutally honest. They are telling her how THEY are reading her posts. They are giving her "tough love". IF the posters here can see her obsession with the MM, then don't you think her H can see it??

 

No one has been insensitive to her, IMHO. She is willingly posting to an open forum. The phrase - if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen - comes to mind.

 

No one wants to see her fail. I think we all want to see her succeed.

 

But she can't succeed by focusing on something that she will probably NEVER understand. I am confused as to what she wants to understand with the ending of the affair. Did she want to know why he chose his wife? That is easy - love. Did she want to know why he tossed her under the bus? Easy again - to save his own ass. Did she want to know why he comes around and talks to her? Again, easy - trying to see if he can give it another go this time.

 

Anne has given some good advice. She has taken a lot of time to respond to MBEG's posts. She didn't just do one liners. She took the time. She has experience in this area. She is trying to help.

 

I know for some reason you are very protective of MBEG - that is very nice. But MBEG must also OWN what she did, feel the repercussions of what she did and work through what she wants.

 

 

NID - wasn't that poster like forbidden fruit or something??

[bentnotbroken]

Who was the poster that was married and messing with the next door neighbor? I can't remember her name.

 

While I respect what MBEG is going through, her posts are starting to sound like the poster I can't remember.

 

MBEG, it might be helpful to you to read her threads if anyone can remember her name. Think of the advice that you would give her and see if that's what you are doing in your own situation. You get the respect of a lot of posters for the one thing that she didn't do: come clean.

 

You made a big step there. Unfortunately, you still seem so focused on losing the A while your marriage and the life that held your A together is what is literally crumbling before you. Sure, it may be for the best in the end (and maybe not the best for you, but for your H), but most of us want our marriages. Even the WS generally wants to keep the marriage in tact. And I think that's what you want more than getting back into the affair.

 

I can't seem to get the fact that you said that your secrets in the affair were no longer just between you and MM. Do you remember intimacy in your marriage? Secrets/confidences between you and your H, the stuff that brought you together in the first place? This is what you need to be remembering - not the A.

 

 

forbidden fruit

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks bent and fooled. I kept thinking it was double letters like jj or ff, but couldn't remember because we stopped typing out her name.

 

BEG, check out threads started by forbidden fruit.

[Untouchable_Fire]

what you havent noticed is that im not on here "wishing" he would call or waiting for a response to an email or tex that ive sent. im not contacting him, not planning ways to win his heart. im not wanting him back. im wanting to come to terms with the fact that ive f***** everything up for a lie.

as far as my kids. absolutely not. no way im going to miss out on their lives and hire a babysitter to take them to soccer or school functions or anything. they are my children, with or without the affair. and hes not stopping being there for his children. i refuse to let what ive done change my involvement in my kids lives for even one second.

 

You make a good point. This whole thing is really fresh and new to you, and I really don't expect you to just flip a switch and be over it.

 

I think you should sit down and really put some thought into why you chased that lie so hard. What made you want that?

 

In light of your current situation. What do you intend to do?

 

See, I'm not really convinced that you are in love with your husband. It doesn't make sense for you to pull out all the stops and do whatever is necessary just to keep someone you are not in love with.

[boldjack]

MBEG, the reasons that the other OW posters are still having difficulties rebuilding their marriages and letting go of the MM/OM is that they aren't mature enough to do so. Their selfishness and lack of integrity keep them from progressing. No IC or MC or church or "Loveshack", will help them unless they are honest with their BS'S, and honest about themselves. All they want is agreement and validation. This is why they are continuing to fail. Don't be like them, be better. You have already started the process, don't drop the ball. If your marriage is more important than your job, LEAVE THE JOB!! If your marriage is more important than your angst about the MM, MAKE HIM STOP CONTACTING YOU. Even if you have to file harrassment proceedings against him. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING, not professional consideration, not a sounding-board for his problems,......nothing!!!! IMO, your marriage is finished unless you can put aside your pride (both professional and personal). Ask your husband for advice, tell him you will quit the job, if it would make him feel better. Tell him you will throw the MM to the wolves, if he (your husband) says so. PUT your husband first in all things.....period!! Ask him, your husband what it will take to start the process of rebuilding trust and love in your marriage, so that HE will be satisfied. He is totally consumed with anger and pain now. Only a TOTAL committment on your part will be good enough. The answers about your affair , you already know. Selfishness, lack of integrity, lack of respect (for yourself and your Husband), immaturity, lack of communication, stupidity and gullibility are all fuel for cheating. Take your pick. Finally , own what you have done, don't blame it on a sweet-talking MM. The affair was your to committ, or refuse. NO, you can't always control your feeling, but you CAN control your actions, and that is all that will save your M.

Edited November 5, 2009 by boldjack

[boldjack]

Anne 17, your posts have been spot on! What most posters can't seem to get , is that selfish emotions and feelings won't save a marriage . Only honest Actions can do that! "mourning", "grieving", and "closure", are only selfish excuses to continue to think about the AP, and feel sorry for your self. When I was an MM/OM the only way I could stop, was to honestly appraise what harm my actions would do to others.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Anne 17, your posts have been spot on! What most posters can't seem to get , is that selfish emotions and feelings won't save a marriage . Only honest Actions can do that! "mourning", "grieving", and "closure", are only selfish excuses to continue to think about the AP, and feel sorry for your self. When I was an MM/OM the only way I could stop, was to honestly appraise what harm my actions would do to others.

 

All True... but don't you have a lingering feeling that MBEG isn't talking about her marriage for a reason? I have a feeling that either H isn't exactly Mr. Perfect, or she has some serious emotional issues from way back.

[boldjack]

UF Yes I do get the feeling that MBEG, isn't as ready to re-committ as she says. Why this is so, IDK. Maybe she and H had troubles before, and maybe it's her unwillingness to risk her job, to save her marriage, because her job is more important to her. Excess pride, perhaps? She is still being very selfish.

[lkjh]

MBEG,

If you are going to continue acting selfishly and not care about your H then stop crying about being alone. All the work you have done up to this point means nothing because of your affair. Missing one soccer game would not have destroyed your childrens lives, but your divorce and future with your H will greatly hurt them. It's funny how you weren't thinking about your kids during the affair but now they are the reason you had to be in the same place as the OM. The truth is during your affair nothing mattered but you and that includes your family so stop using them as an excuse. You are not acting like someone committed to your family, you are acting like a teenage drama queen. Stop using your H as a safety net and grow up

 

NoIdidn't, the poster was forbiddenfruit, and I was thinking the same thing about a week ago. Her post are identical. One week she hates the OM and loves her family yet her post on focused on MM and the next week she misses the OM, she refuses to end contact with the OM and she uses her children as an excuse to keep him around

 

NWH, use your brain not your emotions, all she gets on this board(and from people like you) who sympathize with her and want her situation to end perfect with both the MM and H. They want her end up keeping both because thats what they really want for themselves.

 

Ann, Which, Bold, and bent seem to be the people giving good advice but MBEG will not take it.

[whichwayisup]

She is reading it, she just may not be ready to really "hear" it and let it sink in. For her to do that, she has to really dig down deep and be ready to face her own consquences, face her demons, her choices, the bad stuff. And I'm sure it's not going to be easy either.

 

If the current counsellor isn't working MBEG, then find another one, one you connect with and one who specializes in MC, that way if you choose to work things out with your H, she/he can counsel both of you.

[NowhereToHide]

MBEG,

If you are going to continue acting selfishly and not care about your H then stop crying about being alone. All the work you have done up to this point means nothing because of your affair. Missing one soccer game would not have destroyed your childrens lives, but your divorce and future with your H will greatly hurt them. It's funny how you weren't thinking about your kids during the affair but now they are the reason you had to be in the same place as the OM. The truth is during your affair nothing mattered but you and that includes your family so stop using them as an excuse. You are not acting like someone committed to your family, you are acting like a teenage drama queen. Stop using your H as a safety net and grow up

 

NoIdidn't, the poster was forbiddenfruit, and I was thinking the same thing about a week ago. Her post are identical. One week she hates the OM and loves her family yet her post on focused on MM and the next week she misses the OM, she refuses to end contact with the OM and she uses her children as an excuse to keep him around

 

NWH, use your brain not your emotions, all she gets on this board(and from people like you) who sympathize with her and want her situation to end perfect with both the MM and H. They want her end up keeping both because thats what they really want for themselves.

 

Ann, Which, Bold, and bent seem to be the people giving good advice but MBEG will not take it.

 

On the contrary, if you read my posts I have been 100% behind her repairing her marriage -- to do WHATEVER it takes to make that happen. And I haven't disagreed with much that has been said here. What I was trying to point out is that these feelings that she still has for her xMM are there -- she needs to work through them (yes, quickly) and heal. All I was asking was that people understand that this is where she is coming to process those feelings. They don't just vanish. It's a process.

 

I have told her all along that her xMM is a selfish scumbag and that he is only out for himself. I have repeatedly told her to go NC and even bring in his wife to make that happen. I am in no way advocating that she have "both". She knows I think she needs to ditch the SOB.

 

And Fooled is right -- I am very protective of BEG... and I'm sure it clouds my judgement sometimes. I want very badly for her to save her family and heal her heart. And I'm not blind to the fact that it involves a lot of me "projecting" my own stuff onto her situation.

 

So yes... the advice given is sound, no question.