sad and alone.

[whichwayisup]

Give him the time. If you love him, let him know, but give him the time. Work on yourself in IC. Deal with the thing that caused you to go down this path. Work on you.

I agree with Bent here. Give him time..Time to get through his anger, pain and whatever else he's feeling. And in the meantime, take care of you. Get help, make an appt. with a therapist, talk to someone to help you cope. Confused mentioned he did counselling and it helped him get through his affair ending and the loss of his marriage.

 

Take this time to grieve and heal, see what's left inside, what you feel about your H. Is it possible that you just let yourself fall for someone else, and it had nothing to do with your feelings for your H? Buried feelings can be revived, but only if it's something you want.

 

I know you're scared to be alone, after 15 years, it won't be easy..BUT, you DO have friends, family around, so you really aren't alone-alone. One good thing that will come out of this is, you'll be stronger, wiser and more independant, self efficient (or is that sufficient?? I always get those mixed up), to learn to just rely on yourself, nobody else.

 

Seems too, with your MM, he wasn't the person you wanted him to be, the person you build him up to be. Everything you felt for him was based in an affair setting. Fantasy-like, no real life issues thrown at you two. Neither of you 'really knew' eachother in the sense of a whole relationship. The feelings may be real, but now it's time to get off the pot and make yourself let go of MM. He isn't worth it, he's a selfish jerk.

[anne1707]

anne1707 since you live the type of life that mybrowneyedgirl is now give her a timeframe of how long it took YOU to get to the point where you could add the ex to OM.

 

I came to LS last July and you can see if you look at my threads that I was a complete mess - totally focussed on the affair at first. Started making progress and had a major screw up in the September but since then much, much better. I can't remember exact times but I suspect I started adding ex to OM within about a month of D-day. But certainly my posts were also referring to my H and not just the ex-OM.

 

 

Did it take you hours/days/weeks/months what? Because you cannot tell someone to follow your path without given details past it took a while through the work of IC.

 

I was in IC from early October to January. I actually ended it because I could see that it was getting to the stage that whilst the counsellor was trying to help me in the recovery of my marriage, as she wanted to talk about my feelings for the ex-OM, it was acting as a constant reminder that was no longer needed and was interfering in the relationship with my H.

 

As for MC, that was from September to March I think. At times, it was absolute hell (for us both) but we always made the point of hugging each other as soon as we got out of the session. What we talked about in MC stayed in those sessions. No why did you say that, what do you mean by that etc debates afterwards. The MC acted as a safe, no holds barred arena for us to talk about whatever came up as important or relevant at that time.

 

 

 

As a side note I do find the hostility you feel towards your ex-OM interesting. Not everyone can make that type of change of view.

 

I guess that is partly because I do see him so often as have seen the games he has played/tried to play with me, even months after D-day and when he had started seeing someone else. Also now out of the fog, I can see that his whole relationship history was an absolute mess. Twice married (but never tells anybody at work about the first marriage so they all think its just once), bought a house with another woman and gave up on that after a few months, the second wife was married to someone else when he started seeing her, that marriage ended when he left her with 2 children under 3 years old, now engaged to another woman who I am 99% certain does not know about me and the fact that we work together (let alone the way he tried to maintain contact with me after he started seeing her). Plus whenever he talked about how these relationships ended, it was never anything he did. It was always the woman's fault. He is a total **** and both my H and I suspect he is a sociopath.

[pkn06002]

I came to LS last July and you can see if you look at my threads that I was a complete mess - totally focussed on the affair at first. Started making progress and had a major screw up in the September but since then much, much better. I can't remember exact times but I suspect I started adding ex to OM within about a month of D-day. But certainly my posts were also referring to my H and not just the ex-OM.

 

I understand where your advice is coming from but look at the differences between what you have above and the OP has. The motivations are totally different. Hence the reason I asked what she is really wanting, I read it as she does not want to be alone.

 

Even with your posts always including your husband it still took over a month to add the ex to MM. This person does not have the same thinking so it might be harder maybe impossible for her to do that within the time she has been her.

 

But you are right she needs to stop focusing on the MM if for anything her own sanity.

 

 

I guess that is partly because I do see him so often as have seen the games he has played/tried to play with me, even months after D-day and when he had started seeing someone else. Also now out of the fog, I can see that his whole relationship history was an absolute mess. Twice married (but never tells anybody at work about the first marriage so they all think its just once), bought a house with another woman and gave up on that after a few months, the second wife was married to someone else when he started seeing her, that marriage ended when he left her with 2 children under 3 years old, now engaged to another woman who I am 99% certain does not know about me and the fact that we work together (let alone the way he tried to maintain contact with me after he started seeing her). Plus whenever he talked about how these relationships ended, it was never anything he did. It was always the woman's fault. He is a total **** and both my H and I suspect he is a sociopath.

 

Thanks for the back story that clarifies it for me.

[whichwayisup]

I read it as she does not want to be alone.

 

I did too. And the thing is, fear of being alone makes people 'settle'. Her H is doing the right thing for himself, and for her too actually. He shouldn't have to deal with and see his wife devastated, missing exMM, seeing her confused and not sure of who she truly wants to be with.

 

Counselling has to happen, so she can gain the strength and the tools to survive on her own.

[anne1707]

I do get that every person does through this path differently. But I also think MBEG has been getting a lot of sympathy when she may be needs a dose of reality. Though what is happening now is not the kind of reality I was hoping for.

 

My H and I are proof that it is possible for a marriage to recover. But for MBEG to do that, she needs to stop "wallowing" in the past of the affair and look to her marriage.

[whichwayisup]

But for MBEG to do that, she needs to stop "wallowing" in the past of the affair and look to her marriage.

 

Not sure if she can do that on her own. Sure, giving her the reality here is great, if she's willing to take it in and listen, put a plan into action..Problem is, for WEEKS now me, you and a bunch of others have told her to stop focussing on exMM, his wife, their marriage and focus on her own marriage and husband. It hasn't worked.. Therapy can get her there, just hope she's willing to go, so the changes that HAS to happen, can happen.

 

What one puts into therapy, is what one gets out of it.

[pkn06002]

I do get that every person does through this path differently. But I also think MBEG has been getting a lot of sympathy when she may be needs a dose of reality. Though what is happening now is not the kind of reality I was hoping for.

 

My H and I are proof that it is possible for a marriage to recover. But for MBEG to do that, she needs to stop "wallowing" in the past of the affair and look to her marriage.

 

I can tell you a different story, where I did stop "wallowing" in the past of the affair and tried to "fix things". It got me no where but right back to the same place as before the affair. In contrast to what some people I did focus on the marriage but got nothing back in return. So my marriage limps along.

 

So not all marriages can recover like yours has.

 

So the dose of reality you think MBEG needs may not be what she needs at all. She maybe better off walking away and being by herself. There is another poster (can't remember her name) where she was separated from her husband for over a year. Both the poster and her husband dated etc.... writing on the wall all but dry. But after a year they got back together and are now remarried and happy.

[anne1707]

I agree the split may be the best thing. The marriage can only be a success if all problems including those from before the affair are resolved too. And that does take both H and W working at it together.

[jennie-jennie]

I can tell you a different story, where I did stop "wallowing" in the past of the affair and tried to "fix things". It got me no where but right back to the same place as before the affair. In contrast to what some people I did focus on the marriage but got nothing back in return. So my marriage limps along.

 

pkn, what you are saying here can well be the case. In many marriages/relationships it does not matter how much you put into them. My exSO was satisfied with our relationship, I was not. No matter how big an effort I put in, he did not contribute because it was not necessary in his eyes.

[ladydesigner]

MBEG I have been watching your story unfold on LS and really identified with you minus the D-Day. My H had a D-Day as his A became discovered but I will never tell mine as most here know my stance on that. I agree with many others that maybe it will just take time and let your H go through all of these emotions. He may end up in the end wanting to stay married to you. If that is what you really want then I would try to fight for it. Hang in there sweetie (((Big time hugs)))

[Fallen Angel]

I have no words of wisdom.

 

I have no solid advice.

 

I have nothing to offer you, except that I am here, and that I care.

If you just want to talk, let me know.

 

((HUGS))

[jwi71]

Hey BEG...care to fill us in on why you started this thread and give an update?

[NowhereToHide]

pkn, what you are saying here can well be the case. In many marriages/relationships it does not matter how much you put into them. My exSO was satisfied with our relationship, I was not. No matter how big an effort I put in, he did not contribute because it was not necessary in his eyes.

 

This scares me. This is something I fear is what I'm going to discover in my own M.

[fooled once]

anne1707 since you live the type of life that mybrowneyedgirl is now give her a timeframe of how long it took YOU to get to the point where you could add the ex to OM.

 

Did it take you hours/days/weeks/months what? Because you cannot tell someone to follow your path without given details past it took a while through the work of IC. Then belittle them when they are not doing as you did are doing now. Everyone takes a different path on this road not all paths work for everyone.

 

For mybrowneyedgirl to follow any path she needs to determine what she wants. Her marriage may NOT be one of those things she wants to fight for. She has to figure that out, yes in the mean time she may lose her husband, so what he may not be someone she wants.

 

As a side note I do find the hostility you feel towards your ex-OM interesting. Just an observation not a comment meant to start a discussion.

 

Oh for heaven's sake - most fOW have hostility towards the xOM. Only those that are still emotionally attached to them are the ones who have all the gooey feelings inside.

 

Anne did a great post! She isn't a sugar coater or a sunshine up the butt type of person. And many times, many people need to have their rump kicked every now and then to get them out of their own pity party.

 

MBEG's post made it seem TO ME that she was sad because she lost both men. One she is still pining for and the other one who had the feeling he was 2nd choice. And can you blame the guy for wanting to end the marriage if he is indeed 2nd choice?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Jw - theres really no update. hes angry and frustrated and says hes having trouble dealing with this, doesnt think he can stay in the M. all understandable, just dont know where we'll go. but he is still around, still being cordial. we'll have to see where it ends up. ive decided not to force him into anything. just take it day by day, let him know i still care and want to be with him, do what i can to make his days better.

 

and response to the rest. the OM has sat down at my desk AGAIN to try to talk about things. frustrating to say the least. this time i did talk a little. just about how i thought he was basically a piece of cr**. ended the conversation by walking away from him. told my H about it afterwards.

 

i understand where some of the posters are coming from. i have essentially changed every bit of my focus on to my husband. but still, im just sickened over the affair, now it turns my stomach to think of him, but i still do. and no matter how hard i try or how i want to listen to the others advice my mind still thinks about it. i cant do anything to change it. trust me, if i could forget it all i would. and its interesting to me that the same people who say im obsessed with the OM are the same who say it takes 1 week for every month of the affair to get over it. again, i wish i could forget it all, but to pretend like i have would be an utter lie. it still bothers me every moment of every day.

 

had an interesting day at IC. she gave the advice to when im around him act like it doesnt bother me one bit. go about my day and let him see that im still the same person and my life isnt stopping for him. i guess its the theory if you walk the walk maybe your emotions will follow. its intersting, i could certainly play that game. maybe i'll try it.

[fooled once]

Jw - theres really no update. hes angry and frustrated and says hes having trouble dealing with this, doesnt think he can stay in the M. all understandable, just dont know where we'll go. but he is still around, still being cordial. we'll have to see where it ends up. ive decided not to force him into anything. just take it day by day, let him know i still care and want to be with him, do what i can to make his days better.

 

and response to the rest. the OM has sat down at my desk AGAIN to try to talk about things. frustrating to say the least. this time i did talk a little. just about how i thought he was basically a piece of cr**. ended the conversation by walking away from him. told my H about it afterwards.

 

i understand where some of the posters are coming from. i have essentially changed every bit of my focus on to my husband. but still, im just sickened over the affair, now it turns my stomach to think of him, but i still do. and no matter how hard i try or how i want to listen to the others advice my mind still thinks about it. i cant do anything to change it. trust me, if i could forget it all i would. and its interesting to me that the same people who say im obsessed with the OM are the same who say it takes 1 week for every month of the affair to get over it. again, i wish i could forget it all, but to pretend like i have would be an utter lie. it still bothers me every moment of every day.

 

had an interesting day at IC. she gave the advice to when im around him act like it doesnt bother me one bit. go about my day and let him see that im still the same person and my life isnt stopping for him. i guess its the theory if you walk the walk maybe your emotions will follow. its intersting, i could certainly play that game. maybe i'll try it.

 

I have never the bolded part and what an incredibly stupid statement for anyone to make. You can't put emotions on a timetable.

 

See, I disagree with your IC. Play a game? isn't that what got you into this mess... playing a game with your marriage??

 

If you want him to stop coming by - TELL HIM. Tell him to leave. TELL HIM you want him to only communicate with you via email and then it is to be totally professional.

 

I can totally see why your H is fed up with it all. This guy is coming by and being friendly - the guy you were screwing for what --- 2 years? And while I think I understand why you are telling your H this, think about how you would feel if some chick your H was banging and in love with kept coming by and hanging out after the affair? Would you want him to call you and tell you all about it? And what would your reaction be? Would you wonder why he isn't telling her off, telling her to back off and stop coming around?

 

I wish you a lot of luck in the coming days/weeks in getting yourself back together and putting your marriage back on track - if that is even what you really want.

 

Good luck!!

[NowhereToHide]

Jw - theres really no update. hes angry and frustrated and says hes having trouble dealing with this, doesnt think he can stay in the M. all understandable, just dont know where we'll go. but he is still around, still being cordial. we'll have to see where it ends up. ive decided not to force him into anything. just take it day by day, let him know i still care and want to be with him, do what i can to make his days better.

 

and response to the rest. the OM has sat down at my desk AGAIN to try to talk about things. frustrating to say the least. this time i did talk a little. just about how i thought he was basically a piece of cr**. ended the conversation by walking away from him. told my H about it afterwards.

 

i understand where some of the posters are coming from. i have essentially changed every bit of my focus on to my husband. but still, im just sickened over the affair, now it turns my stomach to think of him, but i still do. and no matter how hard i try or how i want to listen to the others advice my mind still thinks about it. i cant do anything to change it. trust me, if i could forget it all i would. and its interesting to me that the same people who say im obsessed with the OM are the same who say it takes 1 week for every month of the affair to get over it. again, i wish i could forget it all, but to pretend like i have would be an utter lie. it still bothers me every moment of every day.

 

had an interesting day at IC. she gave the advice to when im around him act like it doesnt bother me one bit. go about my day and let him see that im still the same person and my life isnt stopping for him. i guess its the theory if you walk the walk maybe your emotions will follow. its intersting, i could certainly play that game. maybe i'll try it.

 

 

BEG, it's true that there really is no specific timeline for grieving.... I know mine has been considerable. It's different for everyone. Don't beat yourself up for still thinking about him. Even when I KNEW that my xAP wasn't the right man for me, I still thought about him (still do). I guess there's a switch that happens somewhere down the line when you stop thinking about him to the detriment of everything else in your life. Then the healing can really begin.

 

Please consider telling HR to contact him (formally) with a request for him not to have any conversations with you that are not work-related. He is trying desperately to still bait you. If I lived near my xAP he would be doing the same thing to me. He wants the ego boost that you can provide. He wants to know that you still have feelings. He wants you to still have your "secret" conversations. He wants intimacy with you again because he misses it. Don't give it to him. And I would suggest even contacting his wife via email every time he tries to engage you in a conversation. He needs to stop. And you will have to pull out the big guns (his wife) in order to get him to stop his behavior. If he starts hearing from his wife about it, he will go back to his ass-preserving behavior so as not to rock the boat at home.

 

I think you're right to be giving your H some space. But don't give him too much. Keep letting him know that you are there.... that you want him and a life with him. He, too, needs time to grieve -- for the future he was expecting with you.... It's all different for him now. He needs time to process it. Anger is a normal, anticipated stage. Hopefully this means acceptance is around the corner. Don't give up.

 

Hang in there. You are stronger than you think.

[Skump]

my H would have, but i believed the MM that he'd never abandon me.

 

What follows from the MM's betrayal is a question you (and anyone considering an affair) had better seriously consider in the future: If a guy is willing to betray his spouse and compromise his own integrity to get his rocks off, how in the world could you trust him to keep promises to you?

 

On another note:

 

To really appreciate your husband's grief, and why it will be so difficult for him to really forgive you no matter how contrite you actually are, you need to appreciate his predicament not just as a BS, but as a betrayed man.

 

Learning of a partner's infidelity can be a hugely emasculating experience for a man. Think about it: An affair is easily interpreted as implying that the BS in question wasn't "man enough" for his wife. Ouch. Mega ouch.

 

Your husband may (whether consciously or unconsciously) may believe that you've not only betrayed his trust, but also assaulted his manhood at a basic level. Men in his position often feel compelled to toss their WSs just to reestablish their value as men.

 

If you are serious about rehabilitating this relationship, your task is thus twofold: you must not only earn your husband's trust, you must find a way to help rebuild his ego.

Edited November 4, 2009 by Skump

[moaningmyrtle]

MBEG, one thing I'm still unclear on is whether you actually want to save your marriage and are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve this?

 

You will get plenty of good advice on this OM/OW board about dealing with a MM while in the A, dealing with a BW after d-day, going and maintaining NC etc etc. You'll also get plenty of affirmation and support about your xMM being an a**hole after the A is over.

 

I don't want to insult anybody on this board but I would like to respectfully suggest that you will get better advice on the Infidelity board about how to recover and rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Similar issues are faced by both BS and WS in recovering a marriage. The reason for this is that after an A has ended the OW has quite differing issues in recovering from the A than does a married couple who want to stay together, but need advice and assistance to do so.

 

If you want to continue to focus on the MM and his BW and how badly they have treated you then this board is the place to be. OTOH if you want to save your marriage (which I'm not clear about) then maybe alternative advice would be better for you.

 

I hope you will accept this suggestion in the spirit in which it is offered, not to make you feel worse but to assist if you want to save your relationship with your H.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

myrtle -

 

see what you dont understand is that im clear on my H. im clear on what ive done to him, how ive hurt him, what i need to do to fix it. im clear on ALL of that. ive got a mc and ic to help me through that.

 

what im not clear on is my A and how it ended. and thats why im posting in that part of it. i certainly cant go to mc talking about this side of things. but the truth is that the confusion still exists. regardless of how i try to tune it out its still there. its more than just telling him to f*** off when he tries to talk to me (which i do).

 

thats why im here. to get advice on THIS side of the scenario. ive got support on the other parts of this. but this part just isnt making sense. i need to find a way to understand and accept it. and so thats why I'm posting these feelings here. if i had all the answers i wouldnt need to post on it.

 

i certainly dont have all the answers in my M. but i do undertstand it, and i do think i have a reasonable idea on what i need to do to attempt to fix it. but i feel that all the answers i get are to just move on and forget the a. which im trying to do, but in my mind the pieces still dont fit. im in a much different place than i was after dday but im still trying to rationalize it in my mind. this is the only place i have to focus on that aspect of it. i have multiple outlets to talk about the other sides of this.

 

it doesnt mean that im placing more attention on to the xMM or any of that. this is just my place to vent those feelings. i shouldnt have to feel pressured to talk about the other aspects - im talking about them all day long - with H, with friends, with counseling, with family.

 

so i understand why it would seem that all i care about is the xMM. but for me, this board is my place to talk about that side of things. not my M. i talk about that at home, with my H who is involved in it.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Skump - i appreciate your words and think the things you say speak volumes. my H read emails from OM and me telling him he made me feel like no other and that he knew exactly what to do in bed. this certainly would be a big crush to an ego. so you had some good advice here. i need to build H up. and its not just fluff here...he is great in bed and he is a wonderful H. i just need to tell him so. thanks for the advice.

[moaningmyrtle]

myrtle -

 

see what you dont understand is that im clear on my H. im clear on what ive done to him, how ive hurt him, what i need to do to fix it. im clear on ALL of that. ive got a mc and ic to help me through that.

 

OK thank you for clarifying - I already admitted I was unclear on this aspect.

 

what im not clear on is my A and how it ended. and thats why im posting in that part of it. i certainly cant go to mc talking about this side of things. but the truth is that the confusion still exists. regardless of how i try to tune it out its still there. its more than just telling him to f*** off when he tries to talk to me (which i do).

 

thats why im here. to get advice on THIS side of the scenario. ive got support on the other parts of this. but this part just isnt making sense. i need to find a way to understand and accept it. and so thats why I'm posting these feelings here. if i had all the answers i wouldnt need to post on it.

 

It's great you are posting here for the A and xMM side of things then.

 

i certainly dont have all the answers in my M. but i do undertstand it, and i do think i have a reasonable idea on what i need to do to attempt to fix it. but i feel that all the answers i get are to just move on and forget the a. which im trying to do, but in my mind the pieces still dont fit. im in a much different place than i was after dday but im still trying to rationalize it in my mind. this is the only place i have to focus on that aspect of it. i have multiple outlets to talk about the other sides of this.

 

I'm puzzled that you are just getting advice to forget it and move on _ is this really the only advice you are getting from counseling. Surely they have told you that honesty and transparency are important. Does your H know what you are posting here? If not then possibly you are already going against accepted wisdom. This is not just unexpressed thoughts with no existence outside your head.

 

it doesnt mean that im placing more attention on to the xMM or any of that. this is just my place to vent those feelings. i shouldnt have to feel pressured to talk about the other aspects - im talking about them all day long - with H, with friends, with counseling, with family.

 

It's good that you're not just focusing solely on the MM but sometimes it can seem that way to those of us who only get the parts of the story you choose to reveal (as is your right I might add).

 

so i understand why it would seem that all i care about is the xMM. but for me, this board is my place to talk about that side of things. not my M. i talk about that at home, with my H who is involved in it.

 

Good luck.

[JAGeezer]

I feel kind of odd, dipping into this again. I’d intended to make the last of my few messages the last. When I came here months ago I hadn’t even expected to post. I was merely spelunking around looking for insights into handling a child who regarded her existence on this Earth (my niece, born of her mother’s undisclosed A 13 years ago) as the reason for her parents’ problems. Having her own parents and siblings treat her like a pariah didn’t help. It just reinforced the idea in her head. It reached a point where it was time to bring out the tough love. I was no longer in the mood for anyone’s crap. A couple of “Come To Jesus” meetings with her family (separately at first, then as a group) and some IC have helped a lot. We’re doing better now. For that I’d like to thank some people. Owl? Siebert? boldjack? jwi71? If you have your ears on, thanks. We’ve never spoken, but whether you know it or not, you helped, albeit indirectly and by example. You muscled your way through.

 

MBEG, my gut reaction was to dislike you. Were it me in your husband’s shoes, you’d have been out the door of DDay, and I’d have phoned the lawyer the day after. You remind me so much of my late first W it isn’t even funny, in that there was no reason for her to do what she did either. But your posts all carry with them this underlying wail of pain that’s hard to ignore. They make me wonder. If I’d known more, or done something differently, would my kids have been able to grow up knowing their biological mother? It was too late to save the M, but still….

 

Anyway, I’ll try to make this as quick (which is not very) and painless as possible.

 

First, it isn’t over until the fat lady sings. If your H is still living under the same roof with you, then you have a window of opportunity. A window that is rapidly closing. You don’t have time to shilly shally around mourning the A. I’m not telling you to shut off those emotions. You aren’t a machine. I’m telling you that you have to suck it up, stick those feelings in a drawer as they come, and lock it up tight. Mourn later. Right now is the time for damage control.

 

You’ve been advised to get radical in your approach. I agree with that advice. When your ground game isn’t working, it’s time to put the ball in the air. The thing is, your wedding vows were the most serious promise you’ve ever made in your life. You broke that promise. That means that for the foreseeable future, your H isn’t going to believe anything that comes out of your mouth. Not “I’m sorry”, and certainly not “I love you”, because the available evidence in front of him says that you don’t mean either one, since you undoubtedly said both to him for various reasons over the run of your A. In his eyes (and mine) if you’d really meant them, you wouldn’t have been having an A. You need someone to vouch for your honesty and intent. jwi71 said that it’s time to bring in the family. I concur. Someone else advised you to quit your job. Again, I concur. Given your H’s declared state of mind, remaining in any proximity to your ex-AP is lethally toxic to any efforts at recovery you hope to make

 

Here’s a big stumbling block. You’ve said elsewhere that your H was “perfect”, that your M was “happy”. Okay, taking that at face value, why the A? There had to be an underlying reason. If you’ve told him that there was no reason for it, he’s going to be thinking, “I did everything right and she still cheated. So even if I do everything right in the future, what’s to stop her from doing it again?” The answer is, nothing but your word, and your word isn’t worth much to him right now. There’s nothing for him to do. Nothing for him to fix. There’s no magic bullet. The fault lies in you, and he can’t fix you. Only you can fix you. The trick is getting him to wait around while you do that, hence the need for reinforcements.

 

The next subject goes back to my earlier question. Why the A? You’ve stated elsewhere that it was for “professional reasons”. I think those words were badly chosen, because it makes it sound cold, like it was a part of your job description. And we all know that isn’t true. You mentioned your professional insecurities. There I think we’re closer to the mark. To my mind all A’s are unforgivable. If the M is unbearable, then you divorce and move on. If you can’t divorce, then you stand by your vows. Those vows read “for better or for worse”. That would be the worse. If the M is “happy”, then we’re left with narcissism and selfishness on the part of the WS. Spell that i-m-m-a-t-u-r-i-t-y. That can be worked on. This trial by fire has to be maturing you at a rapid rate. Or it would if you’d knock off the self-pity.

 

Last, and this isn’t meant to depress you, though I know it will, and I’m sorry, but if you can’t make your H reason then the kindest thing you can do is to make this easy for him. I’m not telling you to let him screw you over in the D, just don’t try to screw him first. Bend over backward to be fair. You’ve already taken enough from him. His pride, his wife, his faith, his M, don’t take his new life too, just as he’s starting it.

 

This last isn’t advice per se (though there is a bit of that at the end), but just me getting on a soap box. I’m sure that people will disagree with me. If anyone does, then rock on. Let me have it. It has to do with love. You state that you were in love with your MM. Here’s the thing, in my world view, there’s “love”, and there’s “in love. It’s possible to love many things and people, to differing degrees, from the inconsequential to the awe inspiring. But “in love” is a different creature. It’s that state of being wherein your happiness is dependent of someone else’s happiness. I love my kids. I always have. But there were times in their lives when I know that I made them unhappy, because it was necessary (No, you CAN’T date the Taylor girl! She's freakin' pregnant!). I love my BIL and his kids (not so fond of my SIL at the moment) and I know damn well that I made them unhappy recently…because it was necessary. But I’m in love with my wife. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, including giving her up, if that’s what it took to make her happy. It’d claw my heart out, but I’d do it, because I’m in love with her and I want her to be happy.

 

Being in love is a binary state. There are no degrees to it. You either are, or you aren’t. And it’s one to a customer. You cannot be in love with two people at the same time. As a therapist once told me, "You can love any number of people, but human beings just don’t have the emotional capital to be in love with two people at the same time. Show me someone who thinks that they are, and I’ll show you a liar. They’re either lying to themselves because they don’t know their own mind, or they know exactly what they’re doing and they’re lying with their eyes wide open to the two poor schlubs whom they claim to be in love with."

 

 

So, were you really “in love” with your MM? If you were then I submit that you were no longer in love with your H. You may love him, but you weren't and aren’t in love with him, and he knows it. Which makes him look like second best. Like your fall back position because you can’t have the MM. What you have to do is convince him that you’re in love with him. That you remained in love with him, every step of the way, but that you were too weak to honor it. And that you’re for damn sure sorry. So I think you should work yourself around to the idea that you were never in love with your MM. It’s handicapping your efforts. Call it whatever you have to. Love, infatuation, limerance, whatever, but not “in love”.

 

In closing let me wish you well. The odds are against you, but you still have a shot. Call in the cavalry, circle the wagons, and hang on. It’s going to take him awhile to stop being angry and start thinking again. The family, and yes even friends, can restrain him from doing anything stupid and impulsive until his heart simmers down and his brain re-engages; and he remembers why he fell in love with you to begin with. And there had to be a reason why he did, didn't there? Help him find it again.

 

 

Even though God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms the last 25 years or so, you’re in my prayers.

 

JAG

[anne1707]

i understand where some of the posters are coming from. i have essentially changed every bit of my focus on to my husband. but still, im just sickened over the affair, now it turns my stomach to think of him, but i still do.

 

 

I'm sorry MBEG but it really does not come across at all on LS as if your focus is on your H. Everything is still very much on the ex-MM and why that ended. Do you want to know why it ended? He did not love you enough. Simple. That's all there is to it. But to be honest, if you want the marriage to work you have to stop thinking about that and instead think about your marriage and why you had an affair (again I am speaking from personal experience and again I know this is hard to do but it is the only thing you can do if you want you marriage).

 

 

and its interesting to me that the same people who say im obsessed with the OM are the same who say it takes 1 week for every month of the affair to get over it. again, i wish i could forget it all, but to pretend like i have would be an utter lie. it still bothers me every moment of every day.

 

I have been following your threads and have been saying for a while that you are obsessed with the ex-MM but I have never said this. I have also never said that you can just forget it but you do have to stop letting your H see all this pain you are feeling over someone else. Just for once, imagine how that feels for him.

 

 

had an interesting day at IC. she gave the advice to when im around him act like it doesnt bother me one bit. go about my day and let him see that im still the same person and my life isnt stopping for him. i guess its the theory if you walk the walk maybe your emotions will follow. its intersting, i could certainly play that game. maybe i'll try it.

 

 

This can actually work. Think of this - if he cannot see you reacting, then the games he is playing fail to have an effect as far as he can see and he will stop playing. If he stops playing, it makes it easier for you to get through the day and you don't have all these reminders. I had to do this. When seeing the ex-OM on a daily basis, it was the only option I had. Once I started doing this, he stopped his games. This is not so much about stopping the emotions but finding a way of making it easier and less traumatic. It also works as part of NC when there is still some unavoidable contact.

 

 

 

thats why im here. to get advice on THIS side of the scenario. ive got support on the other parts of this. but this part just isnt making sense. i need to find a way to understand and accept it. and so thats why I'm posting these feelings here. if i had all the answers i wouldnt need to post on it.

 

The only way you will get these answers is if you speak to the ex-MM. As that would be against all the NC you say you are trying to work to then this not going to happen. I never got all the answers. But I was never going to give the ex-OM the satisfaction of going to him and asking him. I talked about this a lot at IC instead. Though as I said in an earlier post, I eventually stopped the IC because I realised that I just did not want to waste any more of my time talking about somebody else like that when I had my H.

 

 

 

it doesnt mean that im placing more attention on to the xMM or any of that. this is just my place to vent those feelings. i shouldnt have to feel pressured to talk about the other aspects - im talking about them all day long - with H, with friends, with counseling, with family.

 

Fine to vent but IMO you are doing it all in a way to garner symapthy, not in anger.

 

 

so i understand why it would seem that all i care about is the xMM. but for me, this board is my place to talk about that side of things. not my M. i talk about that at home, with my H who is involved in it.

 

 

Sorry but it does seem as if all you care about is the ex-MM. You never really say anything about your H. When I started posting on here, my focus was on the ex-OM and this was also pointed out to me. But I started posting about my H and he even joined this site. He read ALL of my posts from that time. It was hell for him but it allowed him to see the progress I was genuinely making in coming back to him. Would you ever consider suggesting that to your H or do you think that what you have posted here will suggest that your words to him are not being supported by your words on LS. Which would he believe?

 

As I said in an earlier post and as Myrtle has since said, why not start posting on the Infidelity forum and focus on things you could do to save your marriage. Just think of this - if so many of us here on LS are not convinced that you want your marriage, then why should your H be convinced.

 

MBEG - I really am trying to help. I also do understand your situation. It is so frustrating watching all this because what is happening to you now is what I thought would happen when I started posting to your threads a few weeks ago. The mistakes you are making are mistakes I made. I am and have always been just trying to help you stop making those mistakes.

Edited November 4, 2009 by anne1707

[mybrowneyedgirl]

JAG - one of the most well-written, down to earth posts I have ever read. You are probably one of the only people who has read my posts, understood and gotten into my heart. Hit the nail right on the head. And I'm certainly not saying that youre telling me what I want to hear, but it was all justified. Thank you for taking the time to post, thank you for the words of wisdom.