sad and alone.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so things just arent going to work with my H. not from my lack of trying, what i did is just too much for him. i dont blame him. what i did was unforgivable, i deserve it.

 

for the first time in 15 years im alone. no H, no MM. i take full responsibility. its all my fault and i understand that i am living the consequences of my actions.

 

but it still hurts. to be alone, when neither of them love me enough to at least care. my H would have, but i believed the MM that he'd never abandon me.

 

its a terrible, terrible place to be.

[justwantlove]

:( Im so sorry that your going throught this. It made me cry to read the post!I know that your hurting soo much right now. I wish i could give you a hug.

[RedDevil66]

I was in your shoes 9 yrs ago. Ex left me and the other man ran as soon as I was single.

I can tell you, it feels terrible now, but the lessons learned from this pain are priceless.

Embrace the pain and use it to make your self worth grow

 

hug

[Heather1]

oh....i'm sorry to read this! The only good thing I can tell you is that maybe it's a good time to sort things out, minus the relationship confusion. What you saw in your H, what you saw in the OM, what you want out of a relationship & life? With one of them in, you might not be able to clear your mind. That's a sucky response, but maybe you just need the time to heal right now?

xxoo

[beachbabyblues]

I think most of us can relate to your pain. Keep posting, the people on this forum are so compasionate and understanding. If I may ask you, what would your biggest regret be in this whole situation? Do you see the OM in a completely different light now that everything came to a head?

[fooled once]

so things just arent going to work with my H. not from my lack of trying, what i did is just too much for him. i dont blame him. what i did was unforgivable, i deserve it.

 

for the first time in 15 years im alone. no H, no MM. i take full responsibility. its all my fault and i understand that i am living the consequences of my actions.

 

but it still hurts. to be alone, when neither of them love me enough to at least care. my H would have, but i believed the MM that he'd never abandon me.

 

its a terrible, terrible place to be.

 

Does your H know how much you still think of the MM?

 

I mean, you really haven't given him much time to digest things. It has only been what -- a month?

 

It make take him 6 months to get over it.

 

And the fact that you even included the MM in this post - the fact that HE doesn't want you - shows how much you still let him affect you.

 

Honestly, how do you think you would have reacted to your H (a) having an affair for years (b) when it is exposed, him moping and crying for days about the other man © the other 'woman' continuing to contact him?

 

He really has gotten the raw end of this deal and he just may need more time.

 

And maybe it is best for you to be alone - for you to evaluate why you chose to have an affair and to give yourself ample time to heal from the affair AND the marriage.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

[Devil Inside]

I have no words of wisdom. All I can say is sorry. I may be in your shoes one day...and I would feel the same. If you need us...and our limited support here...hiy us up.

[bentnotbroken]

Do you think that maybe your H felt that you weren't ready to commit 100%? Were you in MC? Him in IC? Maybe he just needs to disconnect for a bit to think clearly and decide what is best. Are you in IC, you really should be whether you and your H stay together or not.

[NowhereToHide]

Oh BEG... I literally almost threw up when I read your post. Are you sure? What happened? Was it another event? Did he just tell you he can't be with you anymore? What about your marriage counselling?

 

I want you to think long and hard about your xMM... You now know who this man is. Even if he came crawling back to you now that you could in theory be with him, could you even go back? I know it's not an option but it's time to let go of him once and for all.

 

What are you feeling about your H? Is there relief? Or do you still want to save your marriage? Because if you do, then it's not really over until you have completely given everything. If you are ready to move on, that's one thing. But if you want to save it TALK TO HIM and tell him what you are willing to do to make it work.

 

Don't have any more regrets, BEG. Don't move on until you know in your heart there is nothing more you can do.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

just to answer the questions.

 

been to MC. husband doesnt want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry. its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.

 

MM. of course i still think about it. now im stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldnt have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.

 

and now comes the guilt. the tremendous guilt.

 

i do think as a woman if it was me on the other end of this the "wrath" would have been much worse than what my H has given me. but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.

[beachbabyblues]

omg.. yes. And it melts us... and how could they possibly not love us and want to move mountains to be with us. wow... my MM just came to see me after 3 months NC, looked in my eyes, told me he loves me. Now he wont answer my email question. He's gone very quiet. Shocking? Nope.

[learnfrommymistakes]

Browneye

Sorry for your pain and circumstance. The more I read here, the more things seem to be the same. I am baffled really how men and women can lie to eachother faces all the time, and say I LOVE YOU and I am in love with you, and I want to be with you, and it is a selfish game or lie. I think perhaps now, that my xMM was bsing me all along. I believed he was in love and i was the one and only and he was looking at me like no other, but when I come here, I think it seems so many of us have similar situations, that perhaps we are the fools all along.

 

I think it is a good time for you to focus on you and what you want, irrespective of the men. Think about you and how you can grow from this, do some good for others, and yourself. When i am miserable, I try to focus on the lesson and also give back to others in some small way. Neither thing can be bad, right? helping u and giving to others...it takes the focus and power off of THE MEN....at least for a time being

 

perhaps we are all suckers, I sure feel like one..sometimes...u never really know what someone is doing or telling you, do you, it is a gamble..wow.

 

lfmm

[SidLyon]

just to answer the questions.

 

been to MC. husband doesn't want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry. its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.

 

MM. of course i still think about it. now I'm stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldn't have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.

 

and now comes the guilt. the tremendous guilt.

 

i do think as a woman if it was me on the other end of this the "wrath" would have been much worse than what my H has given me. but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.

 

I do so wish that my H and the OW could have read something like this before they embarked on their affair.

 

Her own H ended up dying and in a roundabout way, that's how I found out about the A.

 

I was utterly destroyed by d-day. My H said he wanted to stay married and would give her up so he chose to "throw her under the bus" (as it's called on LS) in order to reconcile with me. For what it's worth I didn't force him and he hated doing it to her. It left her sad and lonely too; probably beyond my imagining.

 

When 2 people have an A they both know that when a d-day comes it will be a choice between 2 unpalatable things. To end it "nicely" with the OW will mean breaching newly made commitments to end the A, with a newly

devastated wife.

 

Brown-eye it doesn't mean your MM didn't love you just that he had only unpleasant choices; there was no easy way out for him.

 

You must stop focusing on how badly your MM treated you and how he didn't choose you. If he had chosen you does this mean you would have left your H? If not and he knew it, why would he have chosen you when he couldn't have you anyway? If you would have left your H had the MM chosen you then you probably won't save your marriage; and why on earth do you want to?

 

Apart from this, if your H hasn't left yet there is still hope for you, but not if you keep focusing on the MM and his W. They have their own problems to deal with believe me.

[jwi71]

been to MC. husband doesnt want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry.

 

Glad you recognize its a phase. I went through it after my xW's A too.

I am worried about his quitting MC. Something I didnt do (my xW did though) and its troublesome.

 

its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.

Because there is nothing YOU can do, its time to open up to friends and family. Its time to leverage them to help YOU reconcile. You're right, anything you say or do during this will backfire. And its a trend you NEED to end. And you NEED friends and family to help you. Its SO very hard to do it on your own...

 

Now, he hasn't filed for D yet has he? If not...then simply recognize its a phase...it may pass. Which means it may come back again...likely will. I had several such phases.

 

MM. of course i still think about it. now im stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldnt have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.

You gotta get off the MM. Enough already. Your M is in FAR more peril than you yet realize. For every outburst you see from your H, there are 10 you don't.

 

You must understand he was betrayed by the one he trusted the most. He questions everything you have ever done or said. Nothing you say has the certainty and validity it once had. You need others. You need to surround your M with people you and more importantly your H love and trust.

 

If you TRULY want the M...you better focus like a laser on your H. And that means swallowing your stupid pride and calling EVERYONE. You need the help. Look, at this point, if your H files for D...they're gonna know anyway. Might as well do it now where they can help you save the M.

 

but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.

One more time. Enlist friends and family.

 

Its not over until the judge accepts the divorce decree. And you're not there yet...FIGHT. And if that means you quit your job...do it.

 

For pete's sake BEG...how do you think your H handles knowing that. Having to play nice at the soccer game or whatever it was. Knowing you communicate with "him" still. ITs almost unbearable.

 

You want your H...time to get drastic...quit the job, call friends and family. SHOW him something. No more words...Actions. Verifiable ACTIONS which say "I want my M to work".

 

Keep on trucking...it takes, on average, 2-5 years to recover. And its pure hell until then.

[MizzBlue72]

Sorry to hear you are hurting. I understand how lonely it feels.

Hang in there.... it will get better. It has to.

[Samantha0905]

I do so wish that my H and the OW could have read something like this before they embarked on their affair.

 

Her own H ended up dying and in a roundabout way, that's how I found out about the A.

 

I was utterly destroyed by d-day. My H said he wanted to stay married and would give her up so he chose to "throw her under the bus" (as it's called on LS) in order to reconcile with me. For what it's worth I didn't force him and he hated doing it to her. It left her sad and lonely too; probably beyond my imagining.

 

When 2 people have an A they both know that when a d-day comes it will be a choice between 2 unpalatable things. To end it "nicely" with the OW will mean breaching newly made commitments to end the A, with a newly

devastated wife.

 

Brown-eye it doesn't mean your MM didn't love you just that he had only unpleasant choices; there was no easy way out for him.

 

You must stop focusing on how badly your MM treated you and how he didn't choose you. If he had chosen you does this mean you would have left your H? If not and he knew it, why would he have chosen you when he couldn't have you anyway? If you would have left your H had the MM chosen you then you probably won't save your marriage; and why on earth do you want to?

 

Apart from this, if your H hasn't left yet there is still hope for you, but not if you keep focusing on the MM and his W. They have their own problems to deal with believe me.

 

 

This is a great post. And you have a good heart SidLyon. It really is a tough situation for everyone involved.

 

Oh the tangled webs we weave and all of that. We're all people with feelings. BEG, your ex-married man is not a jerk anymore than you are. Unpleasant choices and no easy way outs for EVERYONE involved.

 

You say, "it still hurts. to be alone, when neither of them love me enough to at least care. my H would have, but i believed the MM that he'd never abandon me."

 

Maybe it's best for you to be alone right now and move on. You seem conflicted and that's not fair to your husband and your MM is making his own choices. Remember, you made a choice at one time not to abandon your husband either...... Spend some time alone and find out what makes you happy. You have to be happy on your own before you can find happiness with other people. Someone else can't "make" you happy.

[Lucky_One]

There are some posters on LS who will tell you that your H is doing the right thing - that no marriage can heal from infidelity.

 

I don't agree with that.

 

I think it CAN be done if both you want it, both are willing to give lots of time, both willing to talk abut whatever the other person wants to talk about no matter how sick one of them is of hearing the same topic, and if both are able to see and realize that we are human and all inclined to serious ****ing up and mistakes.

 

If reconciliation is what you want, then don't give up yet. He has had a very recent kick in the nuts, and lots of anger and pain to work through on his own.

 

Do you ever read at MarriageBuilders? You may get some good ideas for reconciliation there.

[bentnotbroken]

just to answer the questions.

 

been to MC. husband doesnt want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry. its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.

 

MM. of course i still think about it. now im stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldnt have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.

 

and now comes the guilt. the tremendous guilt.

 

i do think as a woman if it was me on the other end of this the "wrath" would have been much worse than what my H has given me. but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.

 

 

Give him the time. If you love him, let him know, but give him the time. Work on yourself in IC. Deal with the thing that caused you to go down this path. Work on you.

[boldjack]

MBEG, jwi71 is giving you real good advice. Now is the time to bring everything out in the open. If he has not filed, You have maybe one good chance to save your marriage. Enlist the help of every person that your husband knows and trusts, go to them, and bare all. Tell your husband that there is nothing that you will not do to make it work......and I mean nothing!! You must put the MM out of your mind completely. You must focus on your husband with every thought, but most importantly, you must show by your actions that your marriage is first, last, and always. If you must, you must throw your MM under the bus, and disclose it to his wife, if he has not done so. YOU OWE HIM, NOTHING!!!!

[ForumFool]

I am sorry you are hurting...I hate to think of anyone hurting or crying. I do think your husband loves you but to be honest I think he just can't take anymore of MM his wife..MM's fake NC and YOUR feelings for MM ..I can't blame H for leaving you he too is in pain and he did try...SOMETIMES things can't be fixed. Maybe a new guy a new life.....is best for you

[NoIDidn't]

Wow, BEG. What lead to this development?

 

I see this time apart as an opportunity for your marriage - not you being all alone.

 

He is angry, he has been hurt. And not by the MM, but by you. And you are going to have to help him through this and forget about MM if you really want your marriage.

 

Now that he is gone, you can speak with the BW freely without fear of him over hearing something and being hurt all over again.

 

Now you can really hear your own voice in all of this and decide what it was that you were seeking in your affair and why it was important to you.

 

Don't look at this as the end of the world. Even this has opportunity written all over it. But still, I am sorry that you are hurting.

[PhoenixRise]

Brown

 

 

I left my H too after dday. It doesn't have to mean there will be a divorce. I will say that when I left I fully intended to divorce. I moved to another state and started building a life for myself.

 

My H and I are now together and building a new marriage for ourselves. The only reason this happened is because my H took massive actions to show me he was sincere about wanting to rebuild the marriage.

 

He got into IC, found us a MC, bared his soul to my mother and apologized to my family for hurting me (basically he followed the advice you are getting in this thread and co-opted my family to help him save the marriage), found a new job in the state where I was living and moved there...among other things.

 

Your H isn't stupid Brown, he has seen you mourning the end of your affair and weeping over how the MM treated you. He probably couldn't take watching this on top of dealing the all the fall out of the betrayal.

 

I know that after our dday one of the things I resented the most is that I felt like my H had turned our life into a Jerry Springer episode. Your H has had to deal with the contacts from MM and also running into him at events. His life must feel so out of control right now.

 

If you truly want your H, then get some counseling, buy a Voodoo doll, preform an exorcism....do whatever you need to do to get rid of any consideration of the MM and his BS and how he ended things and wasn't there for you.

 

Show your H by your actions that you are willing to do whatever is necessary to save your marriage.

 

Good Luck

[pkn06002]

Everyone here seems seems to assume you want to stay married but why? Do you have a reason to stay other than fear of being alone?

[anne1707]

MBEG

 

To be honest, I am not surprised that your H has decided he has had enough. You have been posting on LS for a few weeks now and you have pretty much completely focussed on the ex-MM and your own feelings. Even in other posters threads, you have posted purely from the perspective of the OW who has been dumped. Never as a wife who has had an affair, who has caused their husband the worst possible pain. I have never seen you post anything much about your H apart from absolute nonsense when saying that he does not know why you are crying. The fact that you constantly post in the OW/OM forum shows that is how you see your position rather than posting in Infidelity where you could shift the focus on to your marriage.

 

If you really want your marriage, you need to stop all the above behaviours now. And don't give me any cr** about how much pain you feel or that you have to see the ex-MM at work. I have been where you are and I just had to push that all away to work on my marriage. The pain I felt did not go away just like that but I dealt with that through IC. It was MY problem, not my H's. And the pain I felt was absolutely nothing compared to the pain my H felt - just as it is for you and your H.

 

You also only have to see the ex-MM at work now and then. I see the ex-OM every day I go to work. When I now see him, I just think what a piece of absolute s*** he is and how could I ever think he was worth the risk. So if I can cope with every day after a 3 year affair, you can cope with every few weeks or so. Grow up and start taking responsibility.

 

Get yourself into IC. Keep at it. Let your H know that you are doing this and that this is to help you address why you messed things up. Ask your H to come to MC with you. Argue that it will be good for you both to either save your marriage or to end it as well as you can under these circumstances. But at the end of the day, this will only stand a chance of saving your marriage if you stop focussing on the ex-MM and start focussing on your H.

 

It is possible to recover and it far from an easy journey. But if you reallty want this, you have to convince your H.

 

Ps - have you noticed I always refer to the ex-OM and not the OM. I started that when I shifted my focus back on my marriage. That is why I always refer to the ex-MM in your situation to try and get across to you that the MM was in the past.

[pkn06002]

anne1707 since you live the type of life that mybrowneyedgirl is now give her a timeframe of how long it took YOU to get to the point where you could add the ex to OM.

 

Did it take you hours/days/weeks/months what? Because you cannot tell someone to follow your path without given details past it took a while through the work of IC. Then belittle them when they are not doing as you did are doing now. Everyone takes a different path on this road not all paths work for everyone.

 

For mybrowneyedgirl to follow any path she needs to determine what she wants. Her marriage may NOT be one of those things she wants to fight for. She has to figure that out, yes in the mean time she may lose her husband, so what he may not be someone she wants.

 

As a side note I do find the hostility you feel towards your ex-OM interesting. Just an observation not a comment meant to start a discussion.

Edited November 3, 2009 by pkn06002