scn0374 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hi Guys, New to the forum so you will have to bear with me so I can get this off my chest. Married 8 yrs, 2 kids, love my wife to bits in every way. Anyway, to make a long story short, had a blip at the end of 2008/start 2009. I had been a blind workaholic, she felt unwanted went on anti-depressants and started an online relationship that sadly led to a single physical 'hotel' encounter with a guy she met on Facebook/Friendzii. I found out shortly thereafter, made ultimatum and it ended there, though it would have gone further. Naturally, I have never forget the painful past, but was willing to forgive, she was not herself and remains genuinely apologetic and embarrassed and overall we have made good progress - spending more time together , nights away minus kids etc, recapturing lost time. This is going to sound strange, but I have the feeling that she never really let go of the online relationship , and whilst geographically, this could not have worked, think there has been ongoing 'friendship' contact. I am the most unjealous person when it comes to male friends, but it really hurts me to think that she has elected to have ongoing contact with a man that in whatever state of mind, she was intimate. I regularly have nightmares spurred on by unknown factors of the encounter (imagination overdrive). Anyway, last Friday, I was working from home, her phone rang twice and then went off. She was outside having a ciggy, and assumed it was her friend calling as she was picking her up to go out and went to pass the phone out - it wasn't - just a number that I recognised. Coincidentally, whilst innocently looking for my aunties address in her address book a week or so earlier, I had clocked a mobile entry for him in the book - it was the number. Now this may be him prompting for contact again - I just don't know. I would consider ourselves a loving couple - we say it lots,have a laugh and get on well, though over the last few months, I feel so alone - I an tactile and try to express my feelings by touch and kisses etc - same upstairs, I always initiate touch but there is usually little back the other way. I need little sleep but my wife is usually tired, back turned at bedtime etc and not receptive to physical contact. Not her fault, but don't think she understand the depressive mental effect the infidelity had on me - forgiveness easy, the hurt not so much so with the self-confidence taking a massive knock after discovery. I am constantly worried that she does not really want me in that way anymore, the same way I want her, that she experienced something on that night with him. Tiredness was not an issue then despite the meds - 03:45am return, and I was up to look after the kids the next day whilst she slept it off. Ironically, I discovered it the next day when I discovered some text messages that eluded to the obvious - not a girls night out after all I think there was another encounter planned a week or so later before I dropped the bombshell. Admittedly, since we had the issues, I have dropped close to 3 stone, to 11st and tend to feel a lot more 'horny' than I did before, but it is so frustrating - I will never stray. Sex generally seems to be reserved for when we get away for a break and grandma babysits, which we both appear to enjoy. I like to be woken up in the morning for it Sadly, due to a family rift, this is likely to become less frequent which is a worry. You may laugh, but despite the above, I trust her, and love her more than ever, but struggle to let go of my worry beads. She tells me its all in the past and I believe her, but little things still worry me. Not really looking for advce guys or answers- just need to get off my chest - I cannot really confide in anyone anymore.
mickleb Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hi scn Sorry to hear about this painful situation you have found yourself in. I'd like to say a few things. Firstly, you MAY be better off posting this in either the Second Chances or Jealousy/Cheating forums, as you might find more people there who have experienced something similar. That said, my two cents is this: you are a VERY understanding man. Possibly, too much so. I'll recommend another forum to you that I think could be useful: www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums I understand that jealousy is not a natural instinct for you but I think your feelings of insecurity around her still keeping in touch with him are COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE! There is NO WAY that I would allow someone who had cheated on me to stay in touch with the person they did that with (if I stayed with them, at all - which is unlikey). I understand she is depressed and on medication for this but (having been depressed before in my life and having taken anti-dep's, also) I feel this is NO EXCUSE for infidelity. I may be completely unreasonable but I think you'll find a lot of other posters on here would feel similarly. We'll see if I'm correct in that assumption, I guess.. Anyway, my opinion is that you have some underlying self-esteem issues here that really need to be addressed. If you love this woman as much as you appear to, I think you should try reading Dr Glover's book and then seek couples counselling. If she refuses to go with you, rethink how commited she is to your marriage. Hope this is helpful. Best wishes and take care. x
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