Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Long-distance ex and I sorta got back together a little over a week ago. Meaning, we recommitted to each other and he's been better about keeping in touch regularly. Today he asked me to log on to his email for something. I told him I didn't want to because you always end up seeing something you wish you hadn't. He insisted, and I did. *Sigh* And I was right. An email he sent to his ex after he and I exchanged I love yous caught my eye and I opened it. It was an one-liner calling her sexy (in response to a picture, I imagine, I didn't see what he was responding to) and saying he loved her. They were clearly not broken up like he said they were. This happened almost four months ago and there were no emails beyond that. I believe he did eventually cut contact with her. I immediately texted him back and told him what I saw. He freaked out and said he was turning his phone off because he didn't feel like arguing with me about her. He's never done that before... it seemed like a panicked reaction, honestly. Should I just let it go since it was several months ago? Should I consider this the confirmation of everything I always suspected and walk away? Advice appreciated... Arabella
WTRanger Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 It sounds as if he has no spine to tell you. So he buttered you up to do him a favor. He KNEW you'd do some snooping. Wouldn't we all? Then he can blame you for snooping when you weren't supposed to. This guy is a giant pussy. I mean GIANT pussy. Why on earth would you hang around? You can do so much better than this coward.
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Here's what actually happened... We had a situation with a friend of mine that I work with, not understanding that I'm not available. Apparently, my friend actually sent him an email asking about our status... but he never responded back. Friend took it as a green light and came on to me. We had an argument about it and he told me my SO seemed ok with it (even though he never responded back). I told my SO, and he asked me to log on to his email so I could see for myself. Not like I needed to, because I actually believed him. But... that's when I saw that He seemed annoyed that I was snooping though... and it was only like a week ago that we got back together, because he expressed interest... So, I'm not sure I believe that it was him trying to get me to dump him. But now I just don't know how to deal with this. He's lied to me so much... I want to believe in him, but after this? Ugh. Arabella
PinkToes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Should I just let it go since it was several months ago? Should I consider this the confirmation of everything I always suspected and walk away? Advice appreciated... Arabella This is key. If your suspicions were already there, they're either legit and should be listened to, or they're not based in fact, but still too strong to overcome. Either way, it's not a very positive dynamic. I'm so sorry!
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 He has a history of compulsive lying... about a myriad of things, big and small... But one thing I know he felt very strongly about was commitment. Even in his messed up mind, I always thought he actually respected that. I even saw a ton of emails from a site called Fling... but he warned me beforehand that his friend signed him up for it to mess with him. The emails weren't even opened. Now I wonder. He just texted me asking if I'm calling it quits. Sigh... I should. I really think I should. Why can't I? Arabella
RedDevil66 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 He has a history of compulsive lying... about a myriad of things, big and small... But one thing I know he felt very strongly about was commitment. Even in his messed up mind, I always thought he actually respected that. I even saw a ton of emails from a site called Fling... but he warned me beforehand that his friend signed him up for it to mess with him. The emails weren't even opened.Now I wonder. He just texted me asking if I'm calling it quits. Sigh... I should. I really think I should. Why can't I? Arabella If you believe this, then I have the cure for cancer I can sell you ;-) He's lying. What friend would sign him up Want to see if he's lying, go to the site and click in "forgot password" The password will be sent to his email. If it comes back as a password he has, then he signed up Run from this guy!
littlebittle Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 you say he has a history of lying... i mean, do you really want to be with someone like that? he's probably not gonna stop. i kinda think if you don't break up with him now, you'll just be delaying the inevitable. i'm sorry if that sounds bad, but how can you trust someone who's lied to you so much? it won't ever make for a solid relationship.
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) Well, here's the update...just got done talking to him. WTRanger was partially right after all. He -did- want me to see that email. Apparently it had been weighing on him and didn't know how to tell me. He said he was glad I saw it. We got together right as they were breaking up for good after a period of time of her treating him very very poorly and him trying to keep together a relationship that had been dead for some time... Apparently, she pulled him back for a short while - it lasted three days before she cut contact again. He said he had intended on cutting things off anyway. I know he couldn't have been too serious about getting back with her because during that time he was literally spending night and day with me on the phone. He had time for nobody else really lol. He has apologized and has promised not to lie to me again. Both unprompted. I'm actually kinda surprised because he -never- apologizes... nor does he make promises about not lying because he knows I know he won't keep it... I'm still not entirely sure about the Fling site thing. Sounded very fishy so I asked about it and said his best friend signed him up for it -after- he did the same to him. He says he can't be bothered to go unsub and it's easier to just ignore them (which I saw is true because they were all unopened). Thoughts? Arabella Edited November 3, 2009 by Arabella added more info...
xpaperxcutx Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 A didn't you guys break up because of his mental issues? I remember the last thread I read on him was that he kept disappearing on you. I don't understand why you're putting up with his behavior? You said you were going to break off contact with him, but now you're restarting the entire cycle again, of him playing with your emotions and running away when things hit the fan. He's childish, and you know darn well you played along for far too long. The thing is why are you still with him?
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 xpaperxcutx: Yeah, he has mental issues which made things very difficult. I guess the reason why I stick around is that I keep hoping things will go back to the way they were in the beginning. He was wonderful back then, even with the mental issues (which is something I can deal with...) Then things got bad and we went on a break... and the rest has been documented in the gazillion threads I've written on this topic. Over the past two weeks or so, things have considerably improved. It's the first time he's showed interest in me since we first went on a break (and later broke up for good) at the end of August. He was the one to express a desire to recommit to each other. I guess I just want to see where this goes... Arabella
PinkToes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 You know, I'm still a little bothered by this. For one thing, it can't be that difficult to unsubscribe, and even if it were, why wouldn't he do it just because he knows it matters to you? And if he wanted you to see the e-mail, why did he get so upset with you for calling him on it when you did see it? Also, and I'm sure you've thought about this, it's awfully difficult to believe someone with an honesty problem when he says he's not going to do it anymore. Seems like a bit of back-peddling here, which can happen more often with those who have a hard time telling the truth. It's just so draining sometimes, having to guess whether it's all in your head, or whether you've got a legitimate concern -- especially when it happens with some frequency.
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) PinkToes: Yes I realize how absurd it is to believe him when he promises something like that. He can't really lie to me without my eventually figuring out the truth. He's not very good at keeping up with the details of his own lies. Plus, I know him very well... sometimes I can just kinda sense it <_< The issue of his ex had actually been bugging me for a few days since she came up in conversation and he reacted a little strangely. Now I know why... He didn't really get angry.... he's never gotten angry with me. He mostly just... panicked. He knows I'm like a dog with a bone when I catch him on lies and he wasn't ready to deal with the situation. He does have a history for doing that with other things (like, ignoring a class he was failing til the grades were in the mail...) so I'm not too surprised. But yes, there was some backpedaling going on there. I think he may not really have intended for me to see it, but he -did- feel glad to have gotten it out of the way. He didn't even try to bring up my snooping. Just said he was glad I knew. As for the website thing... I haven't even asked him to unsubscribe, honestly. I was more focused on whether or not he had been messing around behind my back. But I will, because it makes sense. Arabella Edited November 3, 2009 by Arabella
PinkToes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I'm probably reading more into this because of my experience with an ex who lied, and because I chose to look the other way for such a long time, knowing that underneath it all, he was a decent guy who would never intentionally hurt me. And a lot of the lies were such silly little things, mostly stuff that he knew would make me happy (if they were true or if I never found out they weren't). But in my case, it was a huge red flag that I didn't want to see. And now that it's over, I really don't want to go down that road again. I don't want to always have to wonder if/when the little stuff is going to turn into something really bad. It was never enough to make me leave, but looking back, it probably wasn't a good situation for me to be in.
WTRanger Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 It sounds to me as if you are burying your head in the sand on this whole issue. Once a liar, always a liar. He's had a master plan in his head this whole time. Everything is auspicious.
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 PinkToes: I've been doing this with him long enough that I can totally understand how you feel. For him, it's more a matter of self-preservation and inability to deal with certain situations.This isn't just for him and I... he does it with everything. That's the mental issues xpaperxcutx mentioned. He is bipolar, among other things. He often has difficulty managing his emotions and is easily overwhelmed. Most of the time, he fabricates lies to avoid having to deal with things he can't cope with. He is putting some effort though, and I can see it... it's a definite improvement and I have a hard time giving up now when this is what I'd been hoping for. I never -really- wanted to break up with him... just did it out of necessity. WTRanger: You give him too much credit lol. He's a very intelligent person, he really is... but he can't plan anything to save his life. Not even what he'll have for dinner or wear tomorrow. I doubt he could mastermind anything of that nature... all he can manage is short-term lying and that's knowing I usually will catch him anyway. Arabella
PinkToes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 This isn't just for him and I... he does it with everything. That's the mental issues xpaperxcutx mentioned. He is bipolar, among other things. He often has difficulty managing his emotions and is easily overwhelmed. Most of the time, he fabricates lies to avoid having to deal with things he can't cope with. Interesting. Mine was BP also. And not medicated, during the time we were together. Sounds very similar. Guess that's where my gut reaction came from.
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 PinkToes: Huh. Interesting indeed. He's not on any medications either that I know of. He hasn't been for as long as I have known him. He was taking some ADHD med back at the beginning of the summer but even that he wasn't very regular about unless I reminded him. He was eventually prescribed a mood stabilizer but never took it. Arabella
PinkToes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Which could be a good thing actually, in that if he really starts struggling, the meds are still an option. When my ex was diagnosed, I started reading a lot, and learned that many of the more frustrating aspects of his behavior were consistent with bipolar. So maybe keep that in mind. He's lucky to have you on his side, and I hope things turn out well for you both.
Author Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) PinkToes: He's been struggling for a good year that I know of. It's only gotten worse over time... to the point where it was destroying us and he realized that. That's when he sought to get the mood stabilizer prescription. Too late though... I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks for your responses And everybody else too, of course... I don't know what I would do without you guys! Arabella Edited November 3, 2009 by Arabella
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