PhoenixRise Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I have seen it posted here a few times lately that various WS's believe their BS would not want to know about the affair if the affair is over and the WS has no intention of leaving the marriage. I think in some cases this may be true. Some people do not want to know. I am curious about how many BS who post here, if they could go back in time would completely avoid their dday and never find out or be told (if your WS confessed) about the affair? Thoughts?
RedDevil66 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Nope, I would want to know and I didn't know for a whole year until she did me the service of telling me. In which case, I was able to make the healthy choice and leave his sorry self. Yes I would want to know so I could move on and let go of a low life cheater 1
Spark1111 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Pheonix, I know marraiges that have done just that and they go on as well-oiled "partnerships." I mean, marriage is whatever two people decide it will be. For some, it is a time-honored contract with pre-defined roles. Many people think "As long as I am never publicly embarrassed, I do not care what indiscretions happen as long as the status quo is never upset and the bills are paid." I am doubtful they post at LS. I passionately, deeply loved my husband. I could never have gone forth with all these secrets and lies unexposed. I would have hated that complacent relationship more than DDay: always wondering what was wrong, why we didn't connect anymore, why is he so distant??? Nope, regret nothing. For me, knowledge is empowering. I was a former journalist and believe the truth shall set you free. It did.
bentnotbroken Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 NOPE. I didn't find out about the first few until after the last one. I was exposed, more than once. NO one has the right to decide whether or not I want to contract something I couldn't get rid of. I wish someone had the nerve to tell me about the first one. Could have saved me a lot of years and a lot of heart ache. 1
seibert253 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I would have eventually found out, but she got busted and never truely came clean till I filed D papers. If I hadn't found out, I know she never would have told. 1
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 i wouldnt want to know. if he ended the A and chose me and then devoted his life to making our marriage work, i wouldnt want the pain. if his heart was in it and he was faithful from then on, it would be a painful secret i would rather him keep to himself.
MizzBlue72 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I would want to know. End of discussion. All should be open.
LakesideDream Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Big dummy me I never knew for sure. I had doubts occasionally. (over 23 years of the on and off affair) Yea, when I had kids, no I couldn't afford to know. They were to important, I couldn't take the chance. So no, I didn't want to know. I found out soon enough after the kids were out.
skylarblue Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Originally Posted by mybrowneyedgirl i wouldnt want to know. if he ended the A and chose me and then devoted his life to making our marriage work, i wouldnt want the pain. if his heart was in it and he was faithful from then on, it would be a painful secret i would rather him keep to himself. I 100% agree under these circumstances. For me, it would do more harm than good. Especially if it had been over for a long time and was nothing more than sex. I don’t care if the guilt was eating him up and/or he thought I deserved to know, I don’t want to. I’ve thought about how much A have to hurt the BS. I don’t want to ever experience that. I feel if there was/is no threat and no change in our R, there’s no reason to destroy my M since I don’t think I could ever get over it. However, I’ve never been M or the betrayed person. But I’ve been the OW and I feel that way towards my MM’s W. I’ve also been the wayward gf where I didn’t tell my bf and our R remained unchanged thru the A.
moaningmyrtle Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I have seen it posted here a few times lately that various WS's believe their BS would not want to know about the affair if the affair is over and the WS has no intention of leaving the marriage. I think in some cases this may be true. Some people do not want to know. I am curious about how many BS who post here, if they could go back in time would completely avoid their dday and never find out or be told (if your WS confessed) about the affair? Thoughts? Sounds good in theory but it didn't work in practice, at least not for me. My H had an A for several years that ended a few years ago. He has since told me that once it was over he decided that he would devote himself to marriage and family and never stray again. The trouble was that whatever was wrong in our relationship (which included an unsatisfactory sexual relationship for both of us) was never fully addressed (at least in part because I didn't know of the A). So a couple of years later he was still in the same marriage and yearning for an A again. Since d-day we've taken active steps to solve our marital problems and been quite successful. It hasn't been easy for me as the BW in fact it's been the most difficult and painful time of my life. So in answer to your question, I would want to know. Even though I know my H had no intention of leaving the marriage, the A was a result of ongoing issues in our marriage that could really only be addressed by me finding out. Awful as it's been I would always go for full knowledge and facing my problems head-on.
Spark1111 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Myrtle, a good point. How can we fix what we do not KNOW is wrong? Cheaters are often characterized as "conflict-avoiders" and poor communicators. They grow unhappy and distant and then, blaming. You can sit there and scratch your head knowing something is wrong, but unsure exactly what it is, because it remains unidentified and unexpressed. The affair forces both of you to examine what the hell happened in the most painful way imaginable. But at that point, either you grow together, or walk away. And if you don't examine the "why" of an affair together, it is very likely to happen again IMHO.
anne1707 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 The only way a marriage can truly recover from an affair is if all is disclosed. Otherwise the WS is still showing a lack of respect of the BS. Plus how could you fully address and resolve the problems in the marriage. The WS has been able to choose. How about letting the BS choose.
bentnotbroken Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 To me to keep it hidden is to cover your own azz, not giving the BS the ability to direct their own lives accordingly. It is a cowardly way to me.
LifesontheUp Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 When you have an affair you are willing to be dishonest and deceptive. Therefore to me it follows that honesty plays a very important factor when rebuilding the marriage. Telling the truth can be difficult but its essential if you are to develop intimacy and keep the relationship alive and growing. Of course I wish it never happened to me but as it did why would I not want to know what is going on in my own marriage? Why hide from it, pretending what I don't know won't hurt me? I'd rather lead my life based on facts rather than on pretense thank you very much. I believe that I am a person worthy of honesty and insist on a relationship that reflects that worth
Author PhoenixRise Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Thanks to everybody who took the time to reply. To answer my own question... No. I would never say I wish I didn't know or any any way change the fact that I found out. I can not imagine not wanting to know that I have been exposed to someone else's sexual history. STD's are real. HIV is real. AND even people who think they don't fit the profile and could never be exposed ARE exposed every day. So for me wanting to NOT know is not even a consideration. If there is a problem in the marriage or even if the problem is NOT in the marriage but is only in the WS. Something is going on that affects the marriage. If the marriage is broken or if my spouse is broken I need to know it so that I can take action accordingly. I want to be a full participant in my own life. For me not wanting to know would mean that I am willing to just bury my head in the sand and avoid all problems and just hope they don't eventually rock my boat. 1
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I am curious about how many BS who post here, if they could go back in time would completely avoid their dday and never find out or be told (if your WS confessed) about the affair? Thoughts? nope, I would want to know for a couple reasons. 1) I don't want to be played for a fool and sit at home like a good husband while a wife of mine is out doing the horizontal mambo with other guys. and 2) seems that those being betrayed and are in the dark are usually the ONLY ones in the dark. seems people end up talking about it in circles and everyone seems to know EXCEPT the person being betrayed...which kind of ties into the first reason. I want to know if the person I'm with is faithful or not. I don't want to spend my life with someone only to find out after all the best years of my life are gone that I spent them with a total tramp. I'm not a violent person..never raised my hand to anyone in my life (except in MA class), but I'd feel like slapping the piss out of someone who wasted my life like that.
seren Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I am glad I know about the A, it explained his behaviour while it was going on. It also helped us to look at and realise what we had and how close we came to losing it. It has also helped H to be a nicer person and for me to address my own issues. Life is good. I get to decide whether I want to live with, love and support someone based on my understanding of what our marriage is, not to be lied to, not to be discussed with someone else and not to waste my years believing my M is something that it is not. I also get to decide whether I want to go out and be with someone else instead of looking after our child, working long hours to live our life. No one has the right to live with someone based on lies and pretence.
Gabriele Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 In my case i waver back and forth.... I think lies rot the soul,they can't be good for anything. I want to have an honest relationship. However, my husband cheated, then many years past before he told me....we went on to build a strong life, marriage and family...... for me knowing now has really hurt me, damaged me. My dh is committed to me and our marriage, and I will not through away a life I have built.... So for me now.....I kinda wish I didn't know, because I am not sure I feel any benefit to me knowing (maybe one day I will, its only been a couple months). BUT........ if the circumstances were different and I had the opportunity to have know right away........I of coarse would choose to be told....then building a strong marriage or overcoming something would have been a choice. I was kinda tricked into working things out....not very fair but that's how it happened. But I suppose my personal MORAL thought would be.....honesty is ALWAYS best.
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