DiDi123 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I am fairly new here and understand the what no contact means, but how have those of you who have done this actually go about it. Do you actually say, "I want no contact with you anymore until you file papers, get divorced, move out" (or whatever it is you want) OR do you just stop taking calls and texts and emails? On one hand I've been thinking to just ignore him, but do you guys think its better to actually tell him "I want no contact"? I mean if he is not being honest with us (OW) and stringing us along then why should we be honest and give him closure? Am I just being mean? Thanks
Impudent Oyster Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 The adult thing to do would be to tell him that you will not date a married man, period. You are worth more than having to share a man with his wife. Then tell him he can call you when he is no longer living with his wife and then you can have a real, honest, open relationship that doesn't have to be hidden.
whatisgoingon Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 For me I just decided to end all text messages and phone calls, he did call me about 5 times fri nite and I finally got annoyed enough and answered. He talked about alot of nothing, then finally said we will PROBABLY never be together to which I laughed I wanted to say probably? how about just saying never be together. It hurts but as much as I wanted to text him Sunday about that remark I didnt and today is day 3 of initiating NC again. Hopefully it gets easier, but I am determined to do it this time.
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I mean if he is not being honest with us (OW) and stringing us along then why should we be honest and give him closure? Don't sink to his level. Be honest, give him the respect (even if he isn't giving it to you) because that's who YOU are. This also is about you and making HIM understand why YOU need the NC. NC is about YOU, not HIM. Make sure HE gets that. Be honest, speak from your heart. Let him know that you no longer want to be the OW, be seond fiddle and it's killing you inside. That it would be best that he respected YOUR wishes by not contacting you (phone, email, IM, in person) anymore, and the day he contacts you again is the day his divorce is final. Only then will you consider talking to him. *NOT get back with him, or date* But to talk to him, see where things stand. I mean, IF he is going to divorce, don't you want him because his marriage isn't working out anymore and he's doing the D for himself, not because you are the reason. That's another point, NC has to happen so HE can sort himself out, his feelings, see what he wants. Good luck, stay strong.
fooled once Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I am fairly new here and understand the what no contact means, but how have those of you who have done this actually go about it. Do you actually say, "I want no contact with you anymore until you file papers, get divorced, move out" (or whatever it is you want) OR do you just stop taking calls and texts and emails? On one hand I've been thinking to just ignore him, but do you guys think its better to actually tell him "I want no contact"? I mean if he is not being honest with us (OW) and stringing us along then why should we be honest and give him closure? Am I just being mean? Thanks IMHO - You state what you want and let the other person KNOW YOUR EXPECTATIONS and what you will and won't accept anymore. You let them know that what happened before is no longer acceptable. That you value yourself and respect yourself more than just being the OW/mistress. That is exactly what I did. I told him I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him any longer. I told him I respected ME too much to continue to be treated that way. He didn't like it, kept asking me to wait. But I didn't and I am so glad I didn't or else it I never would have met my H and quite frankly, I believe I would still be sitting and waiting. Once you allow them to treat you one way, why should they change the 'status quo'? By continuing to accept it, you are giving them permission to continue to treat you that way -- at least that is my belief.
Heather1 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I've tried everything, I don't know. My last (and longest) attempt was to simply tell him it's over, I wish him the best & that NC is actually the best thing I could do for us. I told him I wasn't mad, but I couldn't handle the roller coaster anymore. He never replied, and until yesterday, I never heard from him. I was careful to be blunt and not outpour my undying love, how I'll always love him, how he's my soul mate, etc.. I ended it by saying "take care." The less drama the better really (in my opinion). Basically, you're ended it because of all the drama in the first place, or the drama to come on Dday. I still think I was the only one hurt in all of this. But if that's the worst of what happened, one person, so be it.
fooled once Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I mean if he is not being honest with us (OW) and stringing us along then why should we be honest and give him closure? Am I just being mean? Thanks I meant to add to my other posts that how exactly are they stringing the OW along? Did you not know he was married when you started to date him? IF that was the case, that is the ONLY time I can honestly say a MM was stringing along the OW. Because you (general you) chose to date a MM, no one forced you (general you) to date him.
NowhereToHide Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Take it from me... just deleting email accounts and ignoring texts doesn't work. You need to explain what you are doing or else it will most likely backfire. If you're xAP wants to get a hold of you, they will find a way. My xAP pulled a big passive-aggressive move on me when he realized I had gone NC. Like usual, it triggered me, and I contacted him which is exactly why he did it. It makes me sick how easily he can manipulate me and I just fall for it every time. I am working up to going NC WITH a declaration of "please don't contact me anymore". I actually believe that once I put that down in an email, I won't ever hear from him again. Which is probably also the reason why I haven't done it yet. Going NC has proven to be very hard for me, to say the least.
Author DiDi123 Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 "I am working up to going NC WITH a declaration of "please don't contact me anymore". I actually believe that once I put that down in an email, I won't ever hear from him again. Which is probably also the reason why I haven't done it yet. Going NC has proven to be very hard for me, to say the least" This is me....I'm not sure if I am ready to make this decision and end it....yet.
Heather1 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 if you're not ready to end it, re-evaluate things in another month & see how you feel. I wasn't ready to end things at all! The only reason I did was because he was getting more distant and I was actually feeling pathetic. Once I started feeling like the A was over for him, and I was demoted to occasional ego boost, I couldn't handle it anymore.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 AMEN fooledonce great post, and helps give me a little courage. I have felt and said things like this but I never stuck to it, I always broke the NC, and I wanted to make sure he knew I cared and was there for him as a friend. HOW F-ed up is that? Man when you look at the whole story or even half, of so many of us, it's like we need to be kicked int he head, HARD, often, lol...before we even consider doing anything. Why do we settle, Lord knows? and surely I don't. It was posted earlier, but there was something about..WOULD WE let a single guy/BF treat us like this, and my answer is HELL NO, so I wonder what evil demon..lol..possesses us to take it from these men who are not even available..what the heck? perhaps we need stronger kicks in the head...or we just are addicts... most affairs dont end well, are always built on lies...and the two people do not often end up together in the end, and three lives or more are damaged. MAN what the heck are we doing?? LFMM
MizzBlue72 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I would tell him. Tell him before NC is established.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 at least respect him enough to tell him. it gives him the opportunity to let go. imagine if he suddenly stopped talking to you, without explanation. it would break your heart and leaving you hanging on forever looking for clarification and closure. it will make him chase you. if you mean it and truly are doing this in hopes of NC and not looking for a response from him then you need to be honest but firm. let him know you are letting go. im sorry. i know this is painful.
Author DiDi123 Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Ok- well, first thanks for the advice. So I do agree that if I want to break it off it should be a clean break and I should tell him my expectations and what I want and he can't follow through with divorce I have to end it. At least I am talking about NC and what I have to do to get there, right?
Impudent Oyster Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I meant to add to my other posts that how exactly are they stringing the OW along? Did you not know he was married when you started to date him? I agree. He's not stringing her along, not if she KNEW he was married and got involved anyway. There are no victims here, except the spouse.
Author DiDi123 Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 IO- Yes I knew he was married. But I do feel as though he is stringing me along to some degree when he asks me to patient while he develops an exit plan. I am getting pretty disgusted with him and I think my sadness and hurt are turning into anger- AND I might add NOT anger towards him- I am SO F***king ANGRY WITH ME!!! What on earth did I think I was doing??? I know better than this- I know this isn't good enough for me, so what is it? That I had emotional needs he could satisfy and I just took them? That doesn't make me a very good person. I feel awful. I am so incredibly pissed at myself right now.
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 It's good you're angry at yourself. For believing him, or wanting to. He's a selfish schmuck who is VERY good at manipulating. Yes, you chose to believe him at his word, but as of NOW - YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. You are seeing what's around the corner, your eyes are more open. Keep it that way. Detach and look at your situation from all different angles. I bet in afew more days, you'll feel enlightened, and stronger. It's OK to beat up on yourself (for a little while) but don't do it for long. Forgive yourself and make the CHANCES inside you so this doesn't happen again. Don't ever put yourself in a situation by trusting a MM, or someone who is in a relationship. WS, CS, are very good at lying and are good at separating/boxing up feelings/emotions so they can continue to do what they do.
jj33 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Di you have gotten good advice. You tell him you cant go on dating a married man. Unless and until he is divorced, you do not want ANY contact with him of any kind. You will not respond to any communications with him. Then you block his emails, you stop taking his calls, you delete his texts. You have to value you. And most of all you cant really expect him to divorce. You have to accept that he is most likely going to stay married. So you go through the grief of the break and get on with the business of healing. You dont want to waste years of your life waiting for someone who may never come back. And he will likely tell you ANYTHING to get you to hang on. Words are cheap. Actions are what count.
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