HeavenOrHell Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Just needing some support really, not coping well after my ex left me in July after 18 years, cos I had neglected him We're still close friends, but I think it makes it harder to move on, he still needs me, but I doubt he will ever be in love with me again. I am trying to go NC, he has made it clear he wants us to meet still, but he also understands me needing to go NC. We've been meeting weekly since he left, plus he brings his laundry over (he does it himself). Well I went a week with NC but e-mailed him tonight. I've been badly depressed since we split up, I've lost the love of my life, I still can't get my head around it. I have a gut feeling I will never click with anyone so well, be myself with so well as with him. The thought of being with someone else repulses me. He said it will be a long time before he knows if he wants to meet someone else. I wish there was a way back for us. Just needing hugs really, also wondering if anyone thinks there's hope for us.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Best of luck to you in this really bad situation. A few things: First, don't blame yourself for your ex leaving. Even if you did neglect him, there had to be other circumstances. No guy just ups and walks away without giving you a chance to fix a few things, and if he does, then he wanted to leave anyway... and that's not your fault. Going to NC sounds like it will be good for you. Try not to let him guilt you into coming back. There are laundromats he can go to, after all. As for being with someone else, it will take time. If the idea repulses you right now, don't even try to think about it. Concentrate on yourself instead. Do the things that make YOU happy, meet and make some new friends, pick up an old hobby, and work on things that keep you busy. Do all that, and your lovelife will fall into place... I guarantee it. There IS someone out there that not only will click as good, but will click even better. You'll see. Oh, and consider yourself e-hugged. Keep your chin up!
Samantha0905 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I think no contact would help you tremendously. It's the only way you will move on if you still have feelings for him. Tell him to find a laundromat or another friend's washer/dryer. You could just hang with friends for now if you're not ready to date yet. I think dating would probably be smart too. You don't have to make a love commitment -- just get out there. You never know, you may meet someone who takes your mind completely off your ex.
Ronni_W Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) Hugs, HoH. my ex left me in July after 18 years, cos I had neglected him We're still close friends, ... he still needs me, ... he has made it clear he wants us to meet still ... We've been meeting weekly since he left, plus he brings his laundry over WOW! Have you ever allowed him to do a number on your brain, huh? Has you believing that the break-up was all your fault, and is using your guilt to allow him to manipulate/dictate your post-break-up relationship, as well. If you keep doing what you've been doing since the break-up, then I don't really see any hope for you two, no. What reason does he have to change his side of things? He's getting his needs and wants filled, and not having to give a toss about yours. You're taking all the blame for all that was "wrong" and unhealthy in the past...and oftentimes that means that you'll have been falling over backwards and acting passive/doormat-like in your attempts to please him / keep him happy / keep him in your life since the break-up. What reason does he have to change his side of things? I suggest. Do a 180 on his ass. Start talking about how you are starting to get your head around it; how you're no longer all that repulsed by the thought of being with someone else. Start mentioning that your depression is lifting and you are seeing your way clear to being yourself with YOU; that from now on YOU are going to be the most important person in your own life...until your next love comes along. Tell him there's been a Festivus Miracle! Even if you're not feeling it yet, start talking and acting as if you are. He's feeling all smug and in control, and he has been manipulating and using you (not "needing" you.) It's up to you to shake things up, let him know the party is over, and that you're not going to allow your Self to be used and mistreated any longer. You can do this...you can successfully go NC. Hugs and best of luck. Edited November 3, 2009 by Ronni_W
turnstone Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Ditto everything Ronni_W has posted. That's fabulous advice. I'd just add one thing, do something for yourself outside this relationship, something that makes you feel good about yourself. Learn to sail a boat, play a guitar, paint nails. Good luck girl
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Thanks for the hugs I've said a lot of this in my other message, but just to reiterate; no he doesn't blame me for the break up, and he doesn't want me to blame myself, he said he could have made of a fuss and fought harder to save us. I don't feel manipulated since he left, he has given no hope whatsoever, that is all in my own head, wishful thinking:rolleyes: I don't think he is blameless, it does take to work at a relationship. I have told him I feel hurt that he gave up on us, I have sent a few ranting e-mails about it. He said he would have hurt me more by staying as he couldn't give me what I need as a partner anymore. He does care about me, he has actually been really sweet and sensitive. I have gone NC for 8 days now, but I did text and e-mail I will try not to see him though. I don't think he feels smug, that's not the sort of person he is at all, I suppose he might like having a little control now though as he must have felt out of control of the situation for so long, in that he felt he didn't matter and he wanted to matter to his partner. But he is not a controlling sort of person at all, he's actually a really sweet, kind person, I would find all this easier if he was a bastard. It's difficult, as someone else pointed out he might just feel neglected still if I go totally NC and then there would be hope for us, nothing to rebuild on, no trust, although I have said to him if I go NC it's cos I care and not cos I don't. But yes, complete NC would probably be best, I know what you're saying. Many thanks for your input Hugs, HoH. WOW! Have you ever allowed him to do a number on your brain, huh? Has you believing that the break-up was all your fault, and is using your guilt to allow him to manipulate/dictate your post-break-up relationship, as well. If you keep doing what you've been doing since the break-up, then I don't really see any hope for you two, no. What reason does he have to change his side of things? He's getting his needs and wants filled, and not having to give a toss about yours. You're taking all the blame for all that was "wrong" and unhealthy in the past...and oftentimes that means that you'll have been falling over backwards and acting passive/doormat-like in your attempts to please him / keep him happy / keep him in your life since the break-up. What reason does he have to change his side of things? I suggest. Do a 180 on his ass. Start talking about how you are starting to get your head around it; how you're no longer all that repulsed by the thought of being with someone else. Start mentioning that your depression is lifting and you are seeing your way clear to being yourself with YOU; that from now on YOU are going to be the most important person in your own life...until your next love comes along. Tell him there's been a Festivus Miracle! Even if you're not feeling it yet, start talking and acting as if you are. He's feeling all smug and in control, and he has been manipulating and using you (not "needing" you.) It's up to you to shake things up, let him know the party is over, and that you're not going to allow your Self to be used and mistreated any longer. You can do this...you can successfully go NC. Hugs and best of luck.
Recommended Posts