soheartbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Hi all, I posted a 3 month update not too long ago. My anxiety has gone down since the initial months, and my depression was lifting...until now. Through NO DESIRE of my own, I found out stuff that I didn't want to. Basically she updated her FB profile pic (I didn't look at the pic I just found out that she had updated it) and the one "friend" we have in common included her name in a status update. Basically they had a fun Halloween night. And this "friend" is not talking to me, so I guess she took my ex's side??? Pretty minor stuff to an outsider...but to me, a very real reminder that she is carrying on life happily without me. Almost seems like she's flaunting it by continually updating her profile pic to show off her new life without me (5 year relationship). I'm so not into FB drama and I've deactivated my account, and managed not to look at the newly updated pic. Today I'm depressed and anxious from getting this new info. Back to square 1 basically. How can I ever get my life back when things like this throw me off so easily? I don't want to eat, go to work, or do anything but curl up with the pain. It hurts so bad, there's a knot in my stomach and I feel sick and SO depressed. Please someone tell me we can overcome these setbacks. I don't want to be like this after a year. I'm trying harder more than ever now to find out NOTHING (I even moved cities), but I can't guarantee that I will never find out anything.
JaggedRoad Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You should have deleted her from your friends list when the relationship ended. Delete/block her from everything you can so this sort of thing won't happen again.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You will over come this, I know it hurts, but you WILL! I am in the same exact place. I was like you - doing better, fighting my depression and then last week He decides to e-mail me out of the blue. I curled up and cried and lost ground and stayed in bed most of the weekend. It is another setback. I don't know why it happens this way, there is a great deal I don't know about this path we share, but we will be stronger at the end of it, whatever the pain now. My prayer is that someday when we see them or hear things, it will not effect us, it will mean nothing. Stay strong and keep working on you.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Hey Jagged. We are NOT and never were friends on FB. The only thing I can see is her profile pic IF I search for her. And I repeat, I DID NOT look at her profile pic. A well-meaning someone just told me that it had changed, and it took all my strength not to go looking. And the status update with the ex's name was posted by a mutual friend. No way to avoid those, except to not use FB, which now I'm not doing. I think you saw the words 'Facebook' and 'Setback' and assumed I went stalking her. I did not seek out this information. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but I just want to be clear that I'm not trying to torture myself with FB.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Thank you DOTM. I'm almost jealous that your ex emailed you. Shows that he cares and knows you exist at least. Mine seems to be blissfully living life relieved to be free of me. I hope your prayer comes true.
JaggedRoad Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I don't mind if you're venting at me. By all means, go ahead if it helps.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 No Jagged, my intention is not to vent at you, and it doesn't help. I just don't want you (or others) to dismiss my situation as me causing my own distress, when in reality I'm trying so very hard at the NC thing.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I mean, sometimes I try to tell myself it's only been 3-4 months, but that's getting close to 1/3 of a year. It is and it isn't a long time... I just can't keep doing this, you know?
tojaz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Hi SHB!! I was wondering where you were hiding. Look at this like building as callous. The more you hide from the information and the updates, the more you let it hurt you. If you have mutual friends, your going to see things, hear things, it's just inevitable. Your looking for a point where it dosen't hurt you anymore. A callous where you can here about her FB and say good for her, and move on. Backslides are going to happen and things are going to sneak up on you, but after the initial hit, you get to decide how long you stay down. Thumbed through your posts in coping here and even if you don't see it, you've come along way baby!!:bunny: Keep moving forward SHB and drop me a line if you need to, I haven't forgotten about you. TOJAZ
Author soheartbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Hi Tojaz, I'm almost in tears hearing from you (I didn't know you lurked on these other forums). I've been wanting to come back to the S&D forum, but after the way that I left...I felt too ashamed. I was doing a bit better and was going to update my thread, but then this happened. So I'm right back where I was at the end of my thread
tojaz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I don't lurk around here too much because S&D keeps me pretty busy, but when I came back I didn't see you around and did a search. I think I was gone when you left so I don't know the story, but I'll check it out. Anyways, I'm back on LS fulltime, I check in everyday, so if you don't want to pop in to S&D please drop me a PM if you need to hear from me alright? I think I gave you my E-mail too, so don't be shy! Don't let this backslide get the better of you, it happens to the best of us, just keep your eyes on the horizon and those crazy bird legs movin! TOJAZ
Author soheartbroken Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 So I guess, Tojaz, that you're saying don't bother trying too hard to actively avoid information (but don't seek it out either I presume), and that eventually a callous will build? That's exactly what I want, a big callous so if I do hear things they don't send me spinning.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 SHB you made me laugh.....don't be jealous of me. My ex left me for another woman and did not even have the backbone to say goodbye. He just left....three days after proposing to me. Very fast turn of the cards huh? He ignored my attempts to talk to him (calls and e-mails) I don't exist. I still dont know what made him write but, caring.....No, that is not it. I still dont know what happened and have no closure, only my mind to deal with. I wish I knew what did make him write....guilt? Maybe but, I doubt it....I wish I knew, but I sure don't understand men.....at all.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Does what he wrote give any indication? I would guess guilt. I'm sorry for what you went through/are going through.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I don't know, the last line was him saying he was sorry for "any pain and discomfort he caused me". He said he was sorry for "disappearing without a word". The rest was a long winded lie and a catalog of reasons. I honestly think he has forgotten what lies he told me before, because his facts dont match. I have to laugh, I mean if you plan to lie, make it stuff you can remember ok? I wish someone could tell me WHY he wrote anyway....nothing he does makes sense to me.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 ANYWAY, you and I both had a setback with our recovery.......BUT....WE WILL SURVIVE!
Author soheartbroken Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Thanks DOTM. Be glad that you have such a positive attitude!
tojaz Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 So I guess, Tojaz, that you're saying don't bother trying too hard to actively avoid information (but don't seek it out either I presume), and that eventually a callous will build? That's exactly what I want, a big callous so if I do hear things they don't send me spinning. That can only come from you SHB. By avoiding them, you are actively proving to yourself that they can hurt you. Instead replace that with indifference. It dosen't matter what she is doing because she has made the ill informed decision to remove herself from your life. Whether shes dancing at a club or sobbing in bed, unless shes interacting with you, the result will still be the same for you emotionaly. If you recognize that, then these little clues and tidbits lose their power to drag you down. SHB you made me laugh.....don't be jealous of me. My ex left me for another woman and did not even have the backbone to say goodbye. He just left....three days after proposing to me. Very fast turn of the cards huh? He ignored my attempts to talk to him (calls and e-mails) I don't exist. I still dont know what made him write but, caring.....No, that is not it. I still dont know what happened and have no closure, only my mind to deal with. I wish I knew what did make him write....guilt? Maybe but, I doubt it....I wish I knew, but I sure don't understand men.....at all. DOTM, I'm not familiar with your whole story, but leavers often look for ways to throw little emotional jabs at the left behind. An unexpected E-mail, birthdaycard, etc are all methods they use to justify their actions, try and relieve their guild and help themselves to detach. My ex has been giving me a very similar scenario I posted here, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206147/ Appropriately titled "Why must they play with our hearts". Myopinion is that this is what the Email will be about, a passive aggressive attack to stroke his ego. TOJAZ
Recommended Posts