Eye contact with women

[carhill]

IMO, being yourself sends out signals to people who would find that persona compatible. Of course, you will not find every social interaction fulfilling and fruitful. My interactions with a woman who flew on the same flights underscores that. Her dress, demeanor and language screamed midwest farm girl, which had me wondering why she was flying to Singapore alone. I recall, as we headed to the immigration queue at Changi, that she said "I think you've been following me", to which I laughed and said 'it sure seems like it'. Then, surprisingly, she headed to the Singapore residents line and breezed through immigration. Life is full of interesting revelations. Throughout, I got this aura from her of 'stay away', and I even saw it in her interactions with other passengers and crew. If you are, even unconsciously, giving off that kind of aura, people will stay away from you and/or react negatively.

 

'Be yourself' means projecting the positives of who you are. Me, I was socially anxious for many years (decades even) but I slowly beat it by immersing myself. One of the ladies with whom I spoke commented how calm I was in the face of all the chaos of traveling internationally alone and I told her that it comes from doing it, accepting the anxiety and even fear but still pushing forward. That's why I want you to practice, to keep pushing forward. Accept your negatives and project your positives

[stepka]

And remember twilight, some women really do find shyness and social awkwardness endearing--I know you may find that hard to believe, but for one thing it tells us that you're probably not a player. Or that you're sensitive and passionate--hopefully about some of the same things that we may be. Or that you may end up passionate about us. So really, it's not a bad thing. If you want to feel really confident, go rent the movie, The Gods Must be Crazy--the first one.

[stepka]

And have fun in Singapore carhill--I haven't tried traveling internationally by myself yet, but it's on my list of things to do soon. On the topic, it forces you to talk to strangers which is a good thing.

[carhill]

The cool revelation is that they aren't really strangers

 

All one has to do is open themselves to the possibilities. As social animals, I think few of us truly wish to be alone, so there is always potential for connection, even if brief or fleeting. Life if full of little moments. IMO, it's when *I* expect more of those moments that I cause potential unhealthiness in myself. Expectations and realizations are out of balance. OP, if you're still here, thoughts?

[TwilightSky]

And remember twilight, some women really do find shyness and social awkwardness endearing--I know you may find that hard to believe, but for one thing it tells us that you're probably not a player. Or that you're sensitive and passionate--hopefully about some of the same things that we may be. Or that you may end up passionate about us. So really, it's not a bad thing. If you want to feel really confident, go rent the movie, The Gods Must be Crazy--the first one.

 

No, really, some women use it as a tool to manipulate. I really don't think any decent women appreciates social awkwardness. Evolution doesn't care about "sensitive and passionate."

[carhill]

Sensitive and passionate does not necessarily equal socially awkward, if that is the inference. In fact, IMO, such aspects of one's personality can make one even more socially valuable and attractive. The key is presenting those aspects to compatible people. Also, consider that such displayed aspects, long valued in a woman, could be considered part of evolution of men as well. A place where intellect and emotional health and attraction meet.

 

OP, you will never be able to control what women are attracted to. That's up to them. Nor should you, IMO, morph yourself into a person whom you don't believe in to become attractive to them. Retrospectively, that's where most of my internal frustration came from; the enormous amount of time I wasted on 'fitting in' with the accepted male behavioral and attraction patterns. Think about that. How much of your valuable life do you want to spend on this?

[TwilightSky]

Sensitive and passionate does not necessarily equal socially awkward, if that is the inference. In fact, IMO, such aspects of one's personality can make one even more socially valuable and attractive. The key is presenting those aspects to compatible people. Also, consider that such displayed aspects, long valued in a woman, could be considered part of evolution of men as well. A place where intellect and emotional health and attraction meet.

 

OP, you will never be able to control what women are attracted to. That's up to them. Nor should you, IMO, morph yourself into a person whom you don't believe in to become attractive to them. Retrospectively, that's where most of my internal frustration came from; the enormous amount of time I wasted on 'fitting in' with the accepted male behavioral and attraction patterns. Think about that. How much of your valuable life do you want to spend on this?

 

Well, I wasn't trying to say socially awkward=sensitive, or whatever. I was just saying is that really isn't a requirement for women to be attracted to someone.

 

I know I can't control what women are attracted to, that's why I wanted to change. And I know you think that is a bad thing, but if I spend all my time being myself, and end up alone, what good does that do? I still think my appearance is a big, negative factor, along with introvert personality traits.

 

While change might bring frustration, I'd rather be frustrated than be alone.

[carhill]

if I spend all my time being myself, and end up alone, what good does that do?

 

Save you a couple hundred grand, perhaps?

 

Do you think you're an unhealthy person? Do your friends and family value you? Why?

[DanielMadr]

And remember twilight, some women really do find shyness and social awkwardness endearing--I know you may find that hard to believe, but for one thing it tells us that you're probably not a player. Or that you're sensitive and passionate--hopefully about some of the same things that we may be. Or that you may end up passionate about us. So really, it's not a bad thing. If you want to feel really confident, go rent the movie, The Gods Must be Crazy--the first one.

 

If a guy is hot or so so hot and he is shy too....fat girls will surround him like wounded animal and try tu pull him. Thats the only advantage of being shy - you are a fat girls chance.

[stepka]

No, really, some women use it as a tool to manipulate. I really don't think any decent women appreciates social awkwardness. Evolution doesn't care about "sensitive and passionate."

 

Well you guys are right: shy doesn't always equal sensitive as you just proved with what you just said. I consider myself a decent woman and I do find shyness endearing or I wouldn't have said it. I know many other women who do too, as evidenced by all the shy men I know who are married. We may like a more confident man for a date and to show off, but when it comes to settling down, we tend to like the men who have real qualities.

 

But maybe that's what you're complaining about--you just want a date. I can see that, but listen to all the great advice here, and realize that what you want isn't going to come instantly--you have to work at this. It may seem unfair that you have to work harder at it than the average guy, but then he probably has something in another part of his life that he has to work on too.

 

Also, I know you don't believe in the advice to be yourself, but nothing else has ever worked. Sure, you can pretend to be someone else and go pick up a floozy, but no decent woman has ever gone for a phony--women can smell that stuff from a mile away. Oh, you know, I just thought of something: I have a friend at work--a very sweet and shy young man (who is married, BTW) and he swore that acting lessons were fantastic for bringing him out of his shell. For one thing, it helps you to define yourself, but make yourself better--you learn what you're not, and thus who you are, but you learn to present yourself in a less awkward way. It might be worth a try. Gosh, I might try it--sounds like fun.

 

As for your looks--well do your best with what you have--make sure you're in shape and have cool clothes and shave neatly and then forget it. Really, we all have what nature gave us, and after we've done our best with it, it's not good to worry obsessively about it, because that is truly unattractive. Besides, I know plenty of unattractive people who are married and I'm at an age where most of us aren't too hot anymore, but I also realize that there's so much more to finding love than a pretty face. There has to be a click and enough in common to have great conversations, so go get busy twilight and all you other shy guys on here. Go join carhill in Singapore and ogle the Asian babes by the pool and let him show you the ropes. And drink a tropical punch for me. (Do they have ladyboys in Singapore like they did in Thailand, carhill?)

[TwilightSky]

Save you a couple hundred grand, perhaps?

 

Do you think you're an unhealthy person? Do your friends and family value you? Why?

 

Unhealthy? Maybe. I'm not sure why my family values me. As for friends, I don't really have anyone I hang out with, just acquaintances.

 

stepka, I'm not sure what to say. Women my age are extraordinarly picky--why would they go for me? I know I don't have much to offer.

 

As for my looks, well I already decided to get PS eventually, although I would have to go to an aesthetician first.

[carhill]

As for friends, I don't really have anyone I hang out with, just acquaintances.

 

IMO, work on this first. Healthy friendships are so important in life.

 

I'm not sure why my family values me.

 

That's easy. Ask them

[stepka]

stepka, I'm not sure what to say. Women my age are extraordinarly picky--why would they go for me? I know I don't have much to offer.

You say that like it's news to me. Newsflash: women your age have always been picky and women my age are pretty picky too. And so are men, unless they're drunk and just looking for someone to bed. So what else is new? But, not all women of any age are picking the same things.

 

Here's my list of traits I'd look for in a man, and you can tell me if this sounds like your average popular with the ladies man: totally, totally hot, very outgoing, and nice sports car (just kidding!) okay: 1) nice personality but not too outgoing, b/c I'm not and that would really be a mismatch 2) must love to learn new things, either by reading a lot, or watching quality programs on TV 3) spiritually literate without being a fundamentalist anything 4) must love to try new foods 5) must love foreign travel and be willing to take me on my next RTW trip 6) would prefer someone who lives rather simply b/c I don't like a lot of glitz and the planet is in enough trouble from our greed as it is. Those are the basic things I'd look for. Does it sound like your typical man? Probably not. Notice I didn't say he has to be terribly handsome. I'd prefer someone pleasant to look at, but honestly, physical traits such as blond hair vs dark hair, tall vs short are totally immaterial. (I don't want a fat one or a smoker though, b/c I want someone who's going to live for awhile!) Once I fell in love with a man in a wheelchair, though alas, he didn't return the feeling. I was 22 at the time and looking back, kinda good looking.

 

So get out of your cycle of negativity and realize that there are all kinds of women out there, and all you need is one. And work on yourself and have faith that you will meet the right girl for you. And give our advice a chance here, b/c I don't want to think that I've wasted a whole hour of my life giving advice to someone who's going to dismiss it as the ravings of middle aged folks who don't know how it is in the real world. I've been 24 but you've never been 50--gosh, me and ol' carhill have 100 years of experience between us. Technology might have changed but people haven't.

[TwilightSky]

You say that like it's news to me. Newsflash: women your age have always been picky and women my age are pretty picky too. And so are men, unless they're drunk and just looking for someone to bed. So what else is new? But, not all women of any age are picking the same things.

 

Here's my list of traits I'd look for in a man, and you can tell me if this sounds like your average popular with the ladies man: totally, totally hot, very outgoing, and nice sports car (just kidding!) okay: 1) nice personality but not too outgoing, b/c I'm not and that would really be a mismatch 2) must love to learn new things, either by reading a lot, or watching quality programs on TV 3) spiritually literate without being a fundamentalist anything 4) must love to try new foods 5) must love foreign travel and be willing to take me on my next RTW trip 6) would prefer someone who lives rather simply b/c I don't like a lot of glitz and the planet is in enough trouble from our greed as it is. Those are the basic things I'd look for. Does it sound like your typical man? Probably not. Notice I didn't say he has to be terribly handsome. I'd prefer someone pleasant to look at, but honestly, physical traits such as blond hair vs dark hair, tall vs short are totally immaterial. (I don't want a fat one or a smoker though, b/c I want someone who's going to live for awhile!) Once I fell in love with a man in a wheelchair, though alas, he didn't return the feeling. I was 22 at the time and looking back, kinda good looking.

 

So get out of your cycle of negativity and realize that there are all kinds of women out there, and all you need is one. And work on yourself and have faith that you will meet the right girl for you. And give our advice a chance here, b/c I don't want to think that I've wasted a whole hour of my life giving advice to someone who's going to dismiss it as the ravings of middle aged folks who don't know how it is in the real world. I've been 24 but you've never been 50--gosh, me and ol' carhill have 100 years of experience between us. Technology might have changed but people haven't.

 

 

No, that doesn't sound like a typical dude. You have a few points in this post. I guess I'll just try and work on myself and see what happens. Really not much else to say. Except thanks to you and carhill for all the time you spent posting in this thread

[stepka]

Well LOL twilight, I'd like to think we blew all your objections away, so I'd like you to keep us posted. Your first assignment is to start a conversation with an old lady at the grocery store this week. You never know--she might have a cute 22 yo granddaughter she wants you to meet. But even if not, it's good practice, and decent women always like a man who can be friendly to anyone, even the sanitation engineer who picks up your junque and the mentally handicapped kid who lives on your street.