CaliGuy Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Most that I've read talk about eye contact alone mostly indicate interest so I'm curious to know why you think it needs a smile to go along with it? I make eye contact all the time, it doesn't mean I am interested in someone UNLESS I smile at them. I have also noticed that LOTS of women make eye contact with me, but unless they SMILE, they really aren't interested in a conversation right now. They might have some interest in me or find me attractive but that doesn't mean they want to talk to me. Only a SMILE+EYE CONTACT says "Hey, come talk to me!"
stepka Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Thanks I'll look that book up. Just curious "attractive enough to date" enough seemed like saying "well you just barely made it into desirability." Not sure if that is how you meant it... Anyway, I...really don't have any dating experience, do you think that would be a problem at age 24? Nope, that's not what I meant. I have no idea what you look like, but I'm assuming that you fear you're not attractive enough to get dates, and I think you probably are. You just need to get over your fear of rejection,and realize that if they reject you, it's not always about you. Fer instance, I'm separated right now, and don't plan to date again until after the divorce goes thru. This doesn't mean I can't look--in fact I feel like a kid in a candy store right now. But I'm sending out mixed signals at the moment, and looking at men all the time, but if someone were to ask me out, I'd have to turn him down; that is, reject him. Some guys would take it that way, but it wouldn't reflect poorly on them if I turned them down--it would just mean that I'm not really ready to get out there and date right now. The part about worrying about what you're going to say to a woman--you know, that perfect opener? It doesn't matter what you say if you're sincere. All that stuff about making fun of men for their pick up lines was directed at guys who're just trying to get a chick in the sack for the night. We're so flattered that you came over to talk to us that it doesn't really matter what you say. OK well, so I am. No dating experience at 24 is not a disaster, but you need to get out there now--it gets harder the older you get and you don't want to be the 40 yo virgin.
Author TwilightSky Posted November 5, 2009 Author Posted November 5, 2009 Nope, that's not what I meant. I have no idea what you look like, but I'm assuming that you fear you're not attractive enough to get dates, and I think you probably are. You just need to get over your fear of rejection,and realize that if they reject you, it's not always about you. Fer instance, I'm separated right now, and don't plan to date again until after the divorce goes thru. This doesn't mean I can't look--in fact I feel like a kid in a candy store right now. But I'm sending out mixed signals at the moment, and looking at men all the time, but if someone were to ask me out, I'd have to turn him down; that is, reject him. Some guys would take it that way, but it wouldn't reflect poorly on them if I turned them down--it would just mean that I'm not really ready to get out there and date right now. The part about worrying about what you're going to say to a woman--you know, that perfect opener? It doesn't matter what you say if you're sincere. All that stuff about making fun of men for their pick up lines was directed at guys who're just trying to get a chick in the sack for the night. We're so flattered that you came over to talk to us that it doesn't really matter what you say. OK well, so I am. No dating experience at 24 is not a disaster, but you need to get out there now--it gets harder the older you get and you don't want to be the 40 yo virgin. Okay, I was just checking to see what you meant. As far as my looks...I've posted a pic here and elsewhere, and most people can't (or won't) find anything wrong. It's frustrating, because I am almost positive it is an issue. Putting that aside, I know I need to put myself out there. About rejection not being about me, well, I kind of see what you mean, to not take it too personally given the circumstances. And yeah, I definitely don't want to end up like that! Will probably post more tomorrow.
Vertex Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 TwilightSky, I can relate. I am an extremely shy 23-year-old. I'll tell you what some people have told me. If you're extremely shy, odds are you're not making eye contact with a lot of people. This makes you appear less approachable and friendly. Would you find it easier to approach a girl who appeared disinterested and basically went about her business without acknowledging you, or a girl who looks at you, smiles, and might even talk a little? Being shy can be mistaken for disinterest or even arrogance -- opening yourself up sends a signal that you enjoy meeting people. I personally find it hard because I am not fully confident with myself. I hate my smile, for instance. Practice makes perfect, though, and the more you do it, the easier it gets. The rejection advice is good. You should try to talk to a few girls WITH THE INTENTION that they will reject you. Consider it durability training
Jerry18 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 I think whoever told you that is just flat wrong. I definitely would take strong eye contact as an invitation to say hi. What's the difference between making eye contact and just saying hi. Girls always make it harder than it needs to.
Bejita463 Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 What's the difference between making eye contact and just saying hi. I am not sure I understand what you are getting at here. One of them is a greeting, and one is not.
stepka Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 Okay, I was just checking to see what you meant. As far as my looks...I've posted a pic here and elsewhere, and most people can't (or won't) find anything wrong. It's frustrating, because I am almost positive it is an issue. And I'm almost positive that it's not. Shyness is a way bigger issue and any man who's afraid of rejection is going to throw out that vibe. I should know because I'm a shy person myself--one who has come a long way, and I used to think that I wasn't very pretty but when I look at pix of myself when I was young, I realize that's not the case. (It's easier to be objective about how you looked in the past!) I was extremely shy and people have told me that I came off as arrogant, though nothing could be further from the truth.
in_absentia Posted November 5, 2009 Posted November 5, 2009 just ask someone out already! As a female, if someone asks me out or tries to chat me up I'm flattered. I refuse because I have a boyfriend, but not once in my life have I thought any less of a guy for asking me out, infact I think it takes balls and they go up in my estimation for having the guts to do it.
Author TwilightSky Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 And I'm almost positive that it's not. Shyness is a way bigger issue and any man who's afraid of rejection is going to throw out that vibe. I should know because I'm a shy person myself--one who has come a long way, and I used to think that I wasn't very pretty but when I look at pix of myself when I was young, I realize that's not the case. (It's easier to be objective about how you looked in the past!) I was extremely shy and people have told me that I came off as arrogant, though nothing could be further from the truth. While I agree Shyness is an issue, I think women look for more than just confidence. I think you need confidence with other traits, in order to be successful. just ask someone out already! As a female, if someone asks me out or tries to chat me up I'm flattered. I refuse because I have a boyfriend, but not once in my life have I thought any less of a guy for asking me out, infact I think it takes balls and they go up in my estimation for having the guts to do it. I don't know any girls well enough to ask them out.
stepka Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 While I agree Shyness is an issue, I think women look for more than just confidence. I think you need confidence with other traits, in order to be successful. I don't know any girls well enough to ask them out. Yes, but shyness is huge. I mean that totally. Anyway, chat some girls up. Start convos in line at the store--don't just pick pretty girls--start them with anyone, and with luck a pretty lady will join in and . . . well you take it from there.
Author TwilightSky Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Yes, but shyness is huge. I mean that totally. Anyway, chat some girls up. Start convos in line at the store--don't just pick pretty girls--start them with anyone, and with luck a pretty lady will join in and . . . well you take it from there. I really don't have any legitamite(sp?) conversation starters. Add that to my stuttering and you have a complete disaster.
bluestraps Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Twilightsky.. Take my advice.. and I dont necessarialy know anything about asking women out because I just got dumped by a long time girlfriend so its been a while since I asked another girl out. But now Im probably going to be doing it now. God ..I cant wait ! When you see a girl no matter where you are, or what you are doing just think to yourself that she may not be worth your time anyway so you want to find out about her. She may be a bigger dork than you! ..lol... I know what i'ts like to see a girl and say i need to have her. And to actualy get her !! So go forth and start enjoying yourself.
Author TwilightSky Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Twilightsky.. Take my advice.. and I dont necessarialy know anything about asking women out because I just got dumped by a long time girlfriend so its been a while since I asked another girl out. But now Im probably going to be doing it now. God ..I cant wait ! When you see a girl no matter where you are, or what you are doing just think to yourself that she may not be worth your time anyway so you want to find out about her. She may be a bigger dork than you! ..lol... I know what i'ts like to see a girl and say i need to have her. And to actualy get her !! So go forth and start enjoying yourself. The same advice won't necessarily work for separate individuals. You are no doubt better with women than I am.
Bejita463 Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I don't know any girls well enough to ask them out. Huh? The point of going on a date is to get to know someone. You don't need to know a person to ask for a date.
bluestraps Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Yes 24 isnt bad . Hey dont feel bad you're not the only one How does anybody learn a new skill. By either reading about it, or by doing it.I think doing makes it easier to learn. You are waiting to feel you can sucessfully go up to a girl and talk to her Before you do it. What if a girl you saw was totaly like overweight and ok looking could you do it. My girlfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago . The story is too long, its found in various threads on LS. I felt sort of like free in a way ,but I was in shock And Im not good with women at all except since i've been in a relationship so long I guess It must make it easier.It was the next day, on a Saturday. I was at my local library on one of the computers. I saw woman , but she looked young so ,I wasnt sure she would be suitable. She had these high heels on and a skirt, She looked pretty sexy, but her face was not the best. I dont necessarily want a perfect looking woman, but anyhoo..I had waited for about 20 minutes. She had been printing pages from her computer ..getting up and sitting back down . I could see how she sort of moved. I had thought about it in my mind weather or not to go up to her . I kept telling myself "what am I going to say" "what if she says something bad about me". Im in a library with other people, will I be embarrased? I originaly wanted to sit by her but someone was sitting on the side.Now mind you ,I hadnt done this for 10 years, I hardly even looked at another woman for thoes yearsSo finaly I sensed she may me getting ready to leave. She was still sitting. I got up ,I went up to her, And started saying something like "I saw you sitting here and thought you were very attractive" . I also think I stated my name first.I must have not spoke loud enough and she said. What!!! And I started again.... Before I could get it out she said. " UM I'm very offended by that , I have a boyfriend, Ive been In a relationship for many years. Thank you, but no thanks and have a good day" And I said no problem , you too Now I saw that up close she had a medium size split in her lower lip, And the distance alowed me to see she was really not going to work. So that had made the rejection bearable.So The point is I did this all after just being dumped and worse. And Im still here to tell about it.
bluestraps Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Sorry My computer is not working correctly I cant get the paragraphs to seperate
bluestraps Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 TwilightSky, I can relate. I am an extremely shy 23-year-old. I'll tell you what some people have told me. If you're extremely shy, odds are you're not making eye contact with a lot of people. This makes you appear less approachable and friendly. Would you find it easier to approach a girl who appeared disinterested and basically went about her business without acknowledging you, or a girl who looks at you, smiles, and might even talk a little? Being shy can be mistaken for disinterest or even arrogance -- opening yourself up sends a signal that you enjoy meeting people. I personally find it hard because I am not fully confident with myself. I hate my smile, for instance. Practice makes perfect, though, and the more you do it, the easier it gets. The rejection advice is good. You should try to talk to a few girls WITH THE INTENTION that they will reject you. Consider it durability training I need that practice too.
bluestraps Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Lines dont work... Like" hey baby" I like the.... my name is__________ Or the "I thought you look very nice today". Maybe compliment the girl on her hair or outfit. Can someone else help me here?
stepka Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 You guys are way overthinking the convo starters. For chrissakes, just talk about the weather. And like if it's raining and you say something about that and she says that at least it's good for the plants, you can take that as a sign that she likes gardening and can turn the subject that way and thus keep talking. You don't need a drop dead opening line--you just need to say something. The advantage of that is that it seems more natural. Think of it this way--you've come up with the perfect opener, but while you were thinking of it the moment passed, or when you say it, it comes out wrong, or it strikes her as too contrived or . . . well you get the picture. If despite your best efforts you can't get a convo going, you can attribute it to one of these things: 1. She's even shyer than you are 2. she's got a boyfriend already 3. She's gay 4. She's getting over a previous relationship and not ready to date yet. 5. She's in the middle of a big project that she put off until the last minute and simply can't talk. Do not assume that she's not interested, which may be true sometimes, but may not be. The reason you shouldn't do that is b/c it will destroy your confidence for next time. As long as you don't start the converation with, "Hey baby" or something equally stupid, most women are not going to think negatively of you for talking to them, even if they're not interested. Most of us don't make snap judgments about men anyway, unless there's a huge disparity in attractiveness, age, personal style, etc. Here's a story for you guys, to help you feel better about rejection: My teenage daughter is gorgeous, feminine, and gay. I'm sure there are many male broken hearts at her school. She has a job at a local restaurant, and one night some players from a big league baseball team came in. Not naming names but one of them asked her out--a very nice looking one--and she said no. She didn't give him a reason, just said no. I guess he wasn't used to rejection b/c he couldn't believe that a woman would refuse him. I had such a good laugh over that one, but choked when I realized that the man probably makes over a million $ a year--good thing I'm not a golddigger.
carhill Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I started convo's with three ladies over the last two days merely saying I was on my way to Singapore. Perfect strangers. It started with eye contact and, in every instance, a casual comment from the women to which I responded. I also met the majority leader of the House of Representatives of Alabama and flew next to he and his lovely wife from Chicago to Narita. He and I must've talked for over an hour about world trade issues and our travels to foreign countries. He and his wife were headed to Bejing for trade conferences with the Chinese government. I caught his wife glancing over at me a couple of times, likely trying to reconcile the casually dressed country boy with my perspectives on the subjects we were discussing. Ken and I exchanged business cards. I gave him my travel card as he was fascinated with my knowledge of frequent flier programs. Later, I caught them wandering around Narita, repacking their luggage and doing just like myself, trying to figure out where their connecting flight was. That's the key. Don't focus on 'getting the girl' or even on making friends. Just engage. Be yourself. Celebrate who you are. We're all different. Practice it as often as possible. That way, when the right woman comes along, it'll just flow. Good morning from Singapore ....
Author TwilightSky Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I started convo's with three ladies over the last two days merely saying I was on my way to Singapore. Perfect strangers. It started with eye contact and, in every instance, a casual comment from the women to which I responded. I also met the majority leader of the House of Representatives of Alabama and flew next to he and his lovely wife from Chicago to Narita. He and I must've talked for over an hour about world trade issues and our travels to foreign countries. He and his wife were headed to Bejing for trade conferences with the Chinese government. I caught his wife glancing over at me a couple of times, likely trying to reconcile the casually dressed country boy with my perspectives on the subjects we were discussing. Ken and I exchanged business cards. I gave him my travel card as he was fascinated with my knowledge of frequent flier programs. Later, I caught them wandering around Narita, repacking their luggage and doing just like myself, trying to figure out where their connecting flight was. That's the key. Don't focus on 'getting the girl' or even on making friends. Just engage. Be yourself. Celebrate who you are. We're all different. Practice it as often as possible. That way, when the right woman comes along, it'll just flow. Good morning from Singapore .... That's an interesting story. But sometimes I think "be yourself" is not the best advice, I've heard this from seasoned veterans (with women) as well. "being yourself" could mean being socially inadequate/awkward.
stepka Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 That's the key. Don't focus on 'getting the girl' or even on making friends. Just engage. Be yourself. Celebrate who you are. We're all different. Practice it as often as possible. That way, when the right woman comes along, it'll just flow. Good morning from Singapore .... Excellent advice as usual, carhill. Just remember twilight, this comes with practice and if being yourself is being socially awkward, keep trying and it will come. I'm socially awkward too, but not in every situation. Start by talking to people who don't make you nervous and work your way up. It will come, I promise. I'm way way better than I used to be.
Drrelationship Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I can relate to your position Twilight, I was in it a few years ago. First of all, to answer your question, Women will rarely hold a stare at you if your eyes reach theirs. If they do hold it, it usually means they're attracted to you, and they want you to come over and starting chatting with them. Everyone in this thread is right about how to break out of shyness. It doesn't happen overnight, nor in a week or even a month. It takes time. What I used to do Is go to the mall and walk into stores and start talking with the people who worked there. Honestly, if your nice towards them they usually love to talk because their life right now is boring. (I mean seriously, how much fun is folding clothes?) They'll really appreciate that you were nice to them and they'll remember it. Infact, you'll probably be the highlight of their shift. What kinds of subjects do you like talking about? Obviously dating and relationships is one, anything else? I have wierd ones twilight, like Black holes, how the universe was made, and other open ended topics. Suprisingly, when I brought them up people actually made conversation about it. It wasn't to them some BORING physics convo, they actually liked making up random conclusions. It just goes to show that If you can show that your interested in a topic, people will likely want to join in on your interest. Anyway i'm going off topic here, but just practice a few things to say to start off, or start with a few good friends like others have suggested. Or try my mall method. Best of luck to you
DanielMadr Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 So I was at the movies yesterady a girl and a few guys were sitting in the row in front of us. As she was about to sit down, she looked at me for about 3-5 seconds. This made me think about how this has happened to me before. Is this a good or a bad thing? Someone once said to me "If a girl is making it obvious she is look at you, it is bad." This true? I dont know. Nobody knows. Its probably best to ask her;) In my experience two types of girls did that to me....those who utterly hated me for no obvious reason or those who wanted to fornicate with me for very obvious reasons. Both types were not very emotionally stable so to speak. The best scenario when she looks, smiles and goes red. I have similar question - I posted just seconds ago btw. Its like non verbal minute. Good luck anyway
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