Printer Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I think my wife is having a MLC. How can I help her? My wife is 38 years old with a 13 year old son. She told me in January that she was no longer in love with me. We have been married for 17 years. She wanted space to decide if she wanted the marriage anymore. She was showing the classic signs:- Angry with me Bored with life and work Gone off sex Felt that our son was now independent and no longer needed her Wanted to end our marriage I tried everything to reconcile the marriage. Moved out, Relate, moved back home and eventually she wanted to move out and left our son with me. I am really worried about her and want to help her to help herself, as both myself and my son want the marriage back. But how can I help her? I am the last person she will listen too. This has been going on for 9 months without any shift. We have spent some times together, breakfast out and lunches etc I know I showed her that I was desperate and clingy, but that's how my emotions reacted, but feeling more relaxed now though. I have now implemented LC, because of our son, and have only spoken to her once today, she called me, regarding tonights babysitting arrangements. I really could do with some advice on this one. I know you guys won't let me down.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'll give you my take on the advice, but you're not gonna like it. If YOU think you've been desperate and clingy, then there's really no question. What your wife is looking for is someone who can take charge. A guy who moves out "to help his marriage" is not taking charge, he's actually running away in hopes that maybe, just maybe his wife will come around. You need to be strong. By this, I mean you need to give your wife a good taste of what her life will be like without you in it. Stop meeting her for breakfast and lunch. Stop trying to cater to her every whim, or ask her if she's "okay" every ten minutes. Instead, withdraw from the relationship yourself for a while. Go out, do things on your own, become your own person again. Once you do this, you might find that her interest in you will actually increase, because your wife will turn around and wonder where you are. No matter what though, you need to be there for your son. This doesn't mean being there for her, though... you need to stay strong on that. Don't let your wife guilt you into doing things for her under the guise that it's for your son. He's older now, and you ask him what's going on in his life. Be there for the important things - but on your own schedule, not on hers. The mid-life crisis sounds pretty bad, and it may involve factors that are outside the scope of your control (like her job). The fact that she stopped having sex with you is also a really bad sign. But what's worse is that you stuck around for this, and have shown her that no matter what she does, you're going to "be okay" with it. You've actually shown TOO much support, and this has allowed her to be comfortable in being miserable. Hope that makes sense.
Author Printer Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I know you are right regarding too much support. I have made it to easy for her. As I said I have now implemented LC, after taking advice from LS and intend to only be there for my son. I know this is going to be hard for me but I will give it my best shot. I'm so worried that her actions and problems are buried within her, and she cannot, or does not know how to release/handle them.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm so worried that her actions and problems are buried within her, and she cannot, or does not know how to release/handle them. If that's the case, I'm afraid there's not much you can do for her. Any attempts you make to help her address these issues is probably going to be met with contempt. She might benefit from therapy, but it's hard to convince some people to get help. In any case, I wish you luck. Hopefully, without you supporting her and taking her abuse, she'll realize that she stands to lose someone important: you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) she wanted to move out and left our son with me So, she gave up her home. She gave up her status as a full time mother. She walked away from the one person who knows her best. She will struggle to make ends meet as she now has to mostly support herself. Do you think she did this for the privilege of being a less-well-off single mother pushing forty? You really think she would give up all of that to be alone? What do you think she is doing on her off time? Sitting at home and watching TV? Women don't just want to be 'alone' to the point of walking out on their own kid(s). They do it for other reasons, which unfortunately will likely become more clear to you in time. It will make a lot more sense when you do find out. Be on the lookout for a "new" friend. One always seems to pop up in situations like this. Nothing you say or do will help in any way until you have the full story. There's no point in bringing it up with her. She'll just deny it. They all do at first. My advice? It probably won't change things, but I'd be thinking of hiring a PI at this point, if for no other reason than to make sure I have as many pieces of the puzzle as possible. Edited November 3, 2009 by LucreziaBorgia
littlebittle Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 i don't have a lot of personal experience with this kind of thing, but my parents went through something similar when i was in high school. my mom went through a midlife crisis and moved out into her own apartment. their marriage wasn't perfect, but they had grown apart over the years and i think my mom sort of resented my dad for a lot of things. they were married for 25 years. my dad was really hurt. one thing they did was go to a marriage counselor. would your wife be willing to give that a shot? if not for you, but for the sake of your son. when my parents split up, i was a teenager and i felt like i didn't care about what was going on between them, but in the long run it really had a big impact on me. teenagers are independent and they can be standoffish, but that doesn't mean that they're not affected by this type of thing. my parents weren't able to reconcile. that was about 8 years ago. they're still separated, but they're friends now. the sad thing is, after my mother moved out and started her new life, she came to the realization that she DID want to be with my father. but by then, he was so hurt and traumatized by the whole thing, that he didn't want her back. i think they're better off apart, but maybe if they had worked a little bit harder in counseling, things would have ended up differently. i know there's not a lot of advice in there, but i wish you and your family good luck.
hopesndreams Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 She was showing the classic signs:- Angry with me Bored with life and work Gone off sex Felt that our son was now independent and no longer needed her Wanted to end our marriage Signs of cheating. Signs of MLC? At 38? You are looking for ways to make what she is doing ok. Easier to forgive and hope for the M to survive if you can put a condition to it. The only condition she has is something called pure selfishness.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hopes and dreams is 100% right about the selfish part, and the possible cheating too. Did she run off at odd hours of the day or night, and later claim it was because she was stressed? Another big sign: picking a fight with you over nothing just so she could storm out of the house... to go meet someone else. Protect yourself and be sure. Also, LucreziaBorgia, what the hell is in your Avatar pic?
Author Printer Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 She recently changed jobs about six weeks ago and that caused her additional stress, she hated her old job. The new job involved a lot of training doing different shifts. She told me her shifts so I could arrange child care issues. I think she was very honest about her working hours as the shop is local and my son spends time there. I know she got chatting to a customer and because she was feeling low, went for a drink. I found about about this and she assured me it was nothing more than someone to talk to and I have made something out of nothing. I must admit I 90% believe her, but there is always that element of doubt in my head. Since January of this year I know there has not been anybody else and I am surprised that this happened recently. I think this guy gave her some attention which she enjoyed. The reason why I kind of believe her is that she is very embarrassed about anybody seeing her naked, except me, as she has had lots of operations early in our marriage which has left lots of scars etc. I know it doesn't good good for me but I think she has now realised that she needs to find herself first, but does not know how to.
mark982 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 document,document,document. your first priorty is to your son. she left the family home,get legal custody of your son. have you close all checking,cc accts,saving etc. you're going to have to go hardball on her. there's a damn good chance there's another man in the picture,you're just not aware of it yet. instead of being passive about this you got to be proactive,take charge,find out exactlt what's going on. you have any friends that she don't know? have them follow her.
Ronni_W Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Hugs, Printer. There is so much of a midlife crisis that is unique to the individual, that there really isn't a "one size fits all" healing solution. For you, perhaps all there is to do is educate yourself about what she *may* be going through. She'll be the only one who can confirm/deny...and she may feel heard/understood/cared about if you can discuss her experience more from place of informed-objective. This article seems informative: http://ezinearticles.com/?Midlife-Crisis-In-Women&id=591579 This one offers a spiritual perspective: http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/spirituality/forest.html You could suggest to her that individual therapy might help her gain some clarity and insight. You could also consider gifting her some yoga classes for Christmas, or a meditation workshop. At amazon.com, you might want to check the customer reviews for 'Crossing to Avalon' by Jean Shinoda Bolen. The thing here is: try to set aside your own opinions/biases -- she will, I suspect that she will, appreciate that you are going outside of YOUR own box in an attempt to understand her and/or help her understand herself. It's very difficult to have understanding and compassion for someone who is going through an MLC. The behaviour looks "selfish, irresponsible, erratic, high-risk" but what is going on inside is not that; it's mostly just chaos and confusion; hopelessness and despair. It's difficult on everybody. Hugs and best of luck.
Lizzie60 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I totally agree with LB .. there is someone else.. just waiting.. close by... and if there is no one at the moment.. it won't take long.. She probably has been 'fantasizing' about someone else for quite some time now.. btdt..
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Also, LucreziaBorgia, what the hell is in your Avatar pic? A mummy doll. Gross, eh? It looks hideous. As for what to do next in the situation, you need to rule out the possibility of someone else 100% (and don't take her word for it either) before you can go forward. There is no point in trying to work on anything until you can figure this bit out.
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