will she speak with me again?

[JJ1983]

I've been close friends with a girl who I care deeply about. Shes looking to go to law school and doesnt want to build a relationship. We';ve known eatchother for a year now. She met my family and everything. We spoke via IM almost every morning. Recently, I've been very pushy with her when in fact shes been going through alot of family drama. She had asked for some space but I was still too persistent. A week went by, and I contacted her. She told me that I had been too pushy when in fact she had told me she needs to deal with her problems. I aplogized and everything seemed fine after that. She started coming back around again. We even were talking about exchanging xmas gifts. She also told me she wanted me in her life and that I had been a big process. The next day I become a little too pushy again, and she became angry. She told me she didnt want to speak with me anymore and even deleted me off of facebook. I know I pushed her away. I feel terrible because shes someone I really genuanly care very much for. My sister asked what had happened because they speak on FB sometimes. She told her the whole story in a long email. She told her I kept pushing and it was too much. She also told her that she cares very much for me and will speak to me in time. I dont want her out of my life, is this friendship salvagable?

[bean1]

JJ, the longer you keep pining for this one (who has clearly stated multiple times that she has no interest), you will keep missing out on one that is interested. Really, you are doing yourself a disservice here.

[JJ1983]

Royale, harshly stated but it does have an element of truth to it. I have no intentions of trying to contact her. I know for a fact that will make it worse. So, Im just gonna lay low

[boogieboy]

Royale, harshly stated but it does have an element of truth to it. I have no intentions of trying to contact her. I know for a fact that will make it worse. So, Im just gonna lay low

 

Lay low? Theres no laying low, you have to erase her from your mind. You dont seem to understand, you have to forget about her completely. You have to go find a girl that actually is attracted to you and wanted to have a relationship with you. You were probably going after this girl for so long that you overlooked girls that were actually flirting with you.

 

You did so bad with this girl, and she will always remember you as the pain in the ass, that you will NEVER have a chance. So forget about her.

[JJ1983]

Jesus, can you be more negative? Yeah, I made mistakes with her, but I doubt she'll just view me as a pain in the ass. We were always there for eachother and had nice times together. We actually had a nice convo the day before this happened. I wish I could change the way I came off but I cant. My emotions clouded my judgment which caused me to make the mistakes that I did

[drivesmecrazy3]

Since you left me a reply on my problem, I will do the same. We seem to be very similar people. Both of us seem to be infatuated with people that simply arent interested in becoming anything more. However, this isnt our faults, we cant help fight what our hearts want. The girl will definitely talk to you again, but dont get all excited about it when it happens. I know how this feels. I always vow to stop contacting that person i mentioned, but the next time they eventually contact me, I am just so happy about it that I act like nothing ever happened.

 

The funny thing is, the only times that ive had girls go crazy for ME was when I truly had no interest in persuing them anymore. So thinking of it that way, I guess the best thing to do would be to simply act like you dont care anymore. I see doing this as letting them know that they CAN be forgotten, and theres nothing more painful than being forgotten. Everyoen wants attention.

[boogieboy]

Jesus, can you be more negative? Yeah, I made mistakes with her, but I doubt she'll just view me as a pain in the ass. We were always there for eachother and had nice times together. We actually had a nice convo the day before this happened. I wish I could change the way I came off but I cant. My emotions clouded my judgment which caused me to make the mistakes that I did

 

Im negative because youre thick. Youre clouded in infatuation, so you wont see it until months from now when youre done pining for her. Once women lose interest in you, it doesnt come back, they generally dont move backwards. Especially since you didnt even have a real relationship. You have to see it from her shoes.

 

Think if a girl you had no attraction to whatsoever kept calling you, after you told her to stop. You tried not to be mean to her, so instead of telling her youre not interested, and you will never be, you told her you had to deal with your personal problems. You backed off from her because she kept pushing, like a pain in the ass. You then deleted her off of facebook and ignored her calls. This was someone you werent really that into, but was friendly to, she took it as a lead on. You wouldnt think of her as a pain in the ass at this point?

 

I tell you what, you wouldnt want to speak to her again, because you know what will happen. The second you call her, she will get completely clingy again, so you'd avoid her like the plague.

 

So stop waiting for her. I tell you the truth, she backed off from you, then started coming around again, then backed off again, this girl is waaay too mixed up emotionally to be involved with on any level. Some guy she was trying to get with was playing with her head, and you were her emotional tampon, which you will be for the rest of her life. IF she even gets in contact with you again. Do yourself a favor and go find someone that will make you forget about her.

Edited November 3, 2009 by boogieboy

[JJ1983]

first of all, you speak like your a dating expert. How can you make such "in fact" statements like you know exactly whats going on??? There was a mutual attraction which was more than obvious. Yes, she was emotionally mixed up, and had several family personal issues that very often held her back, not to mention graduate school coming up. I spoke to her countless times about these issues with her. Maybe there was a guy in her past that broke her heart. I dont know. The day before we had this falling out, we were speaking about christmas presents. We both cared very much for eachother and that was obvious. I do care very much for this girl and its not a question of infatuation. Im a grown man, Im not a 17 year old high school kid!! Im always looking to meet new people and do not let her or any women hold me back in that regard. If she comes back around, then I'll take it from there

[BG1985]

She is NOT going to come back around. She's either interested or she's not. This girl sounds like she has no interest. Girls can go from being absolutely in love with you one day to having not the slightest feeling for you the next day. It sucks, and I've been through the same thing. Things seem like they're going so well then she drops this hammer on you and wants nothing to do with you again. She doesn't care about how great things were a week previous. Girls act on their emotions at the present. You need to move on and quit torturing yourself.

[JJ1983]

drivesmecrazy,

 

yeah, we both have very similiar situations. This girl has been apart of my life for close to a year now. I have invested soo much time and energy into her. Too much for that matter. I cant help desiring her and wanting to be apart of her life. Im sure she will be back, and when that time comes, Im going to handle myself totally differently. I know I pushed her away. The thing is, she always came back in one way or another. Im someone she did in fact care very much for. We were both their for eachother when both of us were going through hardship. We both shouldnt torture ourselves, but its soo hard when you have strong feelings for someone

[torranceshipman]

Hey JJ1983-I can give you a girls perspective cause I have been exactly where she's standing. Here is the issue-in 2 parts:

 

1) She knows this friendship is about you, not her. Now, I know you care about her a lot, and you think 'oh I would do anything for her, I've listened to all her problems, we care about eachother' etc, and that you are the best friend ever to her, but if you're honest, this friendship is about you being in love with her, and wanting her as a girlfriend, and wanting to be close to her as a result. The last thing it has to do with is being a true friend to her. This will upset her a lot, as she will read it like you aren't really being a true friend to her, even though she told you that she just wants friendship - you're just being a friend so that you can get with her, and in her eyes, every time you push, she gets a reminder of what your real agenda is.

 

2) She asked you not to be pushy and you were, more than once - again, that is all about YOU and what YOU want, because you aren't showing her respect, or listening to what she wants. This upsets her. You know it upsets her, yet you still did it, more than once.

 

So...I get that you are a nice guy and have good intentions overall, but I have been in exactly her shoes and with the best will in the world, it is annoying behavior. She will NOT have bad feelings toward you, she will recognize that you are a nice guy, so do not worry about that. But she knows her only option now, for you to actually respect her wishes, is for her to force you to, by blocking you and refusing to speak with you.

[BG1985]

JJ, nothing's going to change. If you still care for her, you will continue to push her away every time you talk to her. You should not bother talking to this girl again. She's never going to want a relationship with you. As has been said in countless other threads, if a girl has any interest in a relationship with you, she'll make it REALLY EASY for you. Just drop this girl and try to find another. If you try to be "friends" with this girl, you're going to be walking on eggshells around her and trying to avoid pushing her away. It's a miserable existence.

[BCCA]

torranceshipman nailed it, youre only her 'friend' to get close to her, with hopes that one day she'll want to be your gf. If you knew for a fact that she would never feel that way about you, I have a hard time believing that this frienship would mean much to you.

 

Everything you are doing is entirely for you and your agenda, but youre convincing yourself that you are true friends, and its only about keeping that going. This girl is not romantically interested in you, and never will be. I dont care if you know she had mutual interest at one time, that time past, and now she doesnt. Women dont work backwards, she isnt going to one day wake up and realize her love for you.

 

Im someone she did in fact care very much for. We were both their for eachother when both of us were going through hardship

 

What you arent realizing is that you were there for her ENTIRELY because you wanted to get with her, not because you guys had this unbreakable bond. She knows this, and it makes the friendship one sided. Also, she has already done what she could to be nice about it, and you still arent getting it. Her next step is cursing you out and handing you a restraining order; lets not let it get there, ok?

[JJ1983]

torranceshipman:

 

that was the most insightful and most accurate response Ive gotten so far. Its better to get a female perspective in these situations. Ive never realized, but I guess it has been all about ME. I never really ment to be selfish, but Im in fact in love with her. I have been for a while. I didnt respect her wishes and was way too pushy. The fact that she didnt want a relationship had nothing to do with her not liking me which is what everyone on here seems to be concluding. Shes young, and has alot on her plate as well as attending med school soon. We always toyed with the idea of us getting together in due time. I just wished I didnt push her as hard as I did

[BG1985]

You still don't get it. She didn't like you. If she had liked you, she would have wanted a relationship with you at that very moment. Don't try to blame this on med school, or was it law school? There is a discrepancy between your first and last posts. If a girl is interested in you, it won't matter whether she's busy or not; she will still make time to be with you regardless. Girls use med school/law school/grad school/etc. as an excuse to let you down easily. They don't want to look like the bad person by bluntly saying that they aren't romantically or sexually interested in you.

Edited November 3, 2009 by BG1985

[JJ1983]

I ment law school. My fault. Oh thats nice, so your saying that all this time she was deceiving me?? I dont know about that. Its a little more in depth than simply law school

[BCCA]

You still don't get it. She didn't like you. If she had liked you, she would have wanted a relationship with you at that very moment. Don't try to blame this on med school, or was it law school? There is a discrepancy between your first and last posts. If a girl is interested in you, it won't matter whether she's busy or not; she will still make time to be with you regardless. Girls use med school/law school/grad school/etc. as an excuse to let you down easily. They don't want to look like the bad person by bluntly saying that they aren't romantically or sexually interested in you.

 

Exactly. Do you think she would turn down Brad Pitt because of med school? Um, no.

 

Part of growing up and becoming a true adult is learning things as you go. Take for example dating - you need to realize that women are going to be indirect 999/1000 times. I can count on one hand the amount of girls who have been anywhere near straightforward with regard to their feelings for me. But you need to read between the lines, and take things for what they are. If she was interested, neither hell nor high water would stop her. She would make time for you. The less time she has for you, the less interested she is.

 

Also, dont stick around and go down with the ship, wasting your life away. You need to see a woman youre attracted to and go for it. Find out ASAP if there is mutual interest, and if not, you bail. You dont try and pass off this phony friendship to get close to her, and hope she changes her mind. What a complete waste.

 

I strongly urge you to read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' by Robert Glover. I can see SO many counterproductive 'nice guy' things youre doing, and this is a somewhat small sample. PM me if you want a better explination.

[BG1985]

She wasn't necessarily being deceptive, but girls are typically not blunt with guys. My ex girlfriend told me she wanted to get back together, only to tell me two weeks later that she hadn't been interested in a relationship with me for quite some time. I don't think she was lying to me necessarily, but I think she was trying to make it work and couldn't. Perhaps this girl wanted to make things workout between you two, but it wasn't. Girls have a tendency to tell guys what they want to hear. Here is some good advice: Actions speak louder than words. This girl went as far as to delete you from facebook. That's saying a lot. I know a lot of people who break up and don't even do that. And back to the law school thing, it doesn't matter whether it was law school or not. In the end, she just wasn't that into you. Law school is more important to her than you are. Her family issues are more important to her than you are. A girl who wants to be with you will be with you. It's that simple. I may sound harsh, but I've been in the exact same position that you are in right now, and it wasn't even that long ago. JUST LET THIS GIRL GO. SHE IS NOT AND WILL NEVER WILL BE INTERESTED IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

[JJ1983]

you know its funny, she had told me this months ago but not wanting anything serious. meanwhile, she still went out of her way to meet my family at a bbq and drove over 2 hours from her house. She also use to make comments like if she was older and my age, we would probably be married. stuff like that. I dont get it.

[BG1985]

Women are a fickle bunch. I know it hurts. I'm still not 100% over that ex I was talking about. Just try to find another girl. You will realize she is better than this other girl you are having trouble with. Just remember, actions speak louder than words. A girl who is interested will answer your phone calls/respond to your text messages. If she really is busy, she'll respond as soon as she has a free moment.

[JJ1983]

no, your 100% right. It hurts alot man. I feel crushed. I just refuse to believe that she never liked me like that. Otherwise why go out of her way like she did so many times

[BCCA]

she had told me this months ago but not wanting anything serious. meanwhile, she still went out of her way to meet my family at a bbq and drove over 2 hours from her house. She also use to make comments like if she was older and my age, we would probably be married. stuff like that. I dont get it.

 

One flaw in your logic I'll just point out now is that she told you she wasnt looking for anything serious, and instead of taking that for what it is, you instead interpreted any action on her part to mean otherwise. The problem with doing this is that YOU are not impartial, and what you think something means may not be in line with reality (if youre anything like me, its probably not). You want to believe she likes you, because that fits in with what you want from her, so thats naturally where your mind takes you.

 

What you should do next time is get early clarification. 'You said you werent looking, but youre making a lot of effort to see me. How do you feel about going out sometime on a date, and seeing what comes of it?'

 

As soon as she says, blah blah law school family blah, you go, 'ok' and you walk right on by, and look for another woman. You dont wait around and try and make some crap friendship work, its a waste of time. I can promise you she felt uncomfortable around you often, and probably grew resentful over time. Her deleting you from FB tells you everything, though. Most people still have their ex's as friends, and only delete people they dont want to hear from at all.

 

The bolded part also carries in it its own lesson. Women offer hope to make you happy, thus they feel like they are good people and spreading joy. BUT - when you see a roadblock added, the 'if only...', its a disclaimer that the statement was false. I know, its cruel, but its not meant to hurt you. Its just meant to make a statment that its not going to happen, and its not anyones fault. I mean truth be told, its not her fault she doesnt like you like that, you know? She doesnt want to shoulder guilt for that, so she'll say things like this to put outside obstacles between you. In this case, your age.

[BG1985]

She probably thought you were a great guy and was trying to make it work. Or maybe, as in the case of my ex and me, she liked you, but you didn't like her, for a long time. When you finally came around, she had mentally written you off. When she tried to make it work, it was too late to salvage those feelings. This sucks, but you just need to live and learn.

[JJ1983]

she deleted me from FB because we had a fight and did it out of anger. My own first cousin deleted me when we had a fight. She never would have just deleted me otherwise.

[BG1985]

Either way, just let it go. It sucks. If she wants to get in contact you, she will. You need to try your hardest to not contact her in any way. Delete her number from your phone. Continuing contact with her will only deepen your pain.