Facebook or Chance? -- My Two Options

[Khabarak]

I made a post a few days ago... here is the link for reference:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t207635/

 

In short, I bumped into this girl I met a while back while I was shopping last week. She always seemed interested, but she wasn't single when I met her initially. I wrote her a message on Facebook after seeing her saying thanks for saying hello and sorry that I couldn't talk longer. I also mentioned that I didn't finish shopping and I would be back sometime fairly soon (she worked at the store). She indicated she wouldn't mind seeing me again.

 

Like me, she is a full time college student and doesn't work much so the two times I asked her if she was working, she wasn't. I ended up telling her I thought it might be good to just meet in the student union at school since her workplace isn't really the ideal place to talk anyway... that was last Wednesday and I haven't heard back. That said, I didn't exactly ask a question; I made a statement... and there has been no public activity on her profile since Thursday so for all I know she has just been busy or didn't feel like she needed to respond.

 

I'm not ready to give up just yet because I feel like trying a little harder can't hurt. My dilemma now is whether to ask her one more time when she'll be working this week (she did tell me she would be working this week, but didn't know when at the time) or if I should just go in hoping she is working the same day she did last week. Keep in mind the question would go through Facebook and I've already asked twice, the last time being last Wednesday.

 

If there were any options other than Facebook and chance I would definitely consider them, but unfortunately that is what I have to work with right now. My goal is to get a phone number so I can eliminate Facebook as I feel it is just making things awkward.

 

Please let me know what you think.

 

Thanks in advance.

[BCCA]

To be blunt, I think if she were mutually interested, you wouldnt have had to post this. Im a little lost on the details, though, did she not respond to you at all through FB? Or did she stop responding after you mentioned meeting up?

 

You'll find that in life, when it comes to potential dating partners, those that are interested make your life easy, and those that are not, don't.

[phineas]

 

You'll find that in life, when it comes to potential dating partners, those that are interested make your life easy, and those that are not, don't.

 

I agree with this.

[Khabarak]

She was responding on Facebook and just hasn't responded to that last message. In person she has always been very receptive towards me. When we saw each other last, she started talking to me and seemed interested. Unfortunately my mom was with me so it made the situation a little awkward for me, but it also gave me a second opinion... Granted she is my mom, but she also felt this girl was interested.

 

I understand what you mean, but I'm fairly certain there is some interest and would like a chance to find out for sure.

 

I'm leaning towards just going back to the store and hoping she is there. If she seems disinterested that would be my answer, but if she talks to me again (especially if she initiates the conversation again) I'll definitely feel comfortable asking for her phone number.

[Tiz]

Did you read my posts or are you just wanting different opinions? I'm firing pearls at you, and you seem a little resistant to good advice. You're over-thinking this way too much. I didn't know you had written her twice. You mentioned persistence is good. It is, but it's only good until you're able to take a hint that she's not interested. I already said this, but some women love to toy with men who can't take a clue for weeks and months just to see how far they'll go. Don't be that guy.

 

That said, I didn't exactly ask a question; I made a statement... and there has been no public activity on her profile since Thursday so for all I know she has just been busy or didn't feel like she needed to respond.

 

What percentage do you think of college girls don't check their Facebook multiple times a day. You're splitting hairs here. Do you really think this college educated girl is that big of a moron not to know that you're asking her out? You want to believe this, so it makes the rejection at the moment easier to swallow.

 

 

Man up, quit thinking about it, and pull the trigger on one of the two options. More Facebook contact (if she's read your emails already) makes you look desperate as I've already said. That wouldn't be my first option. If you can't catch her at work (the #1 option) then one more email asking if you can call her phone number listed on her page would be it for me. If there's no response to that write her off.

 

If I told you I would give you a million dollars to catch her at work you would find a way to do it. Wouldn't you? That's the way to go at this point.

[Tiz]

You'll find that in life, when it comes to potential dating partners, those that are interested make your life easy, and those that are not, don't.

 

You don't get better advice than this. I live by these words in dating. Rationalizing why she is doing this and that will drain you of energy and waste hours of your time. Never listen to what she says. Always bottom line her actions.

Edited November 2, 2009 by Tiz

[bean1]

I have been in her position before. I had two guys be a little persistent through facebook/text (more than once, even twice, is persistent to me). The answer doesn't change. If a girl is interested, she will be more than receptive.

[Khabarak]

Tiz,

 

I have been reading what you've written. The only part of your advice I'm really hesitant to following is waiting 5 - 9 days to call assuming I do get a phone number. I get the point, but to me that seems excessive. Aside from that, I have no problems with what you've said. I simply wanted to ask this question (it is different than what I was asking before, by the way) and figured I'd be more likely to get a response if I made a new thread.

 

Yes, I wrote her twice... I guess three times actually if you include my message saying it was nice to see her and that I was sorry I couldn't talk longer.

 

All of those times she responded in less than 12 hours and seemed interested in finding a time when I could meet her again. As little as it is, she actually said, "Yeah, maybe I'll see you again!" with the exclamation point and everything. Unfortunately the days last week that worked for me didn't work for her. She responded quickly... I didn't take that as a bad sign. I wrote saying maybe it would be better to just meet in the student union and she hasn't responded. I was discouraged, obviously, but I don't feel like that means she is completely disinterested in me.

 

Sure, most college girls check their Facebook multiple times a day. I do too. Usually I respond quickly, but there are times when it takes me 4-5 days before I really have the time to log on, let alone respond to a message. And honestly, its not that I want to believe what I said. I tried to be clear that I know it is unlikely, but unlikely doesn't mean impossible. I felt it was worth mentioning.

 

It's not that I can't catch her at work.. of course I could go in every day or every other day and find her, but it is a clothing store and I have no reason to go in after I get the rest of my clothes. Going in over and over just looking for her seems like it would make me seem more desperate the one more message on Facebook asking if she works tomorrow, or Wednesday... So my dilemma was simply do I send that one last message, or do I just leave it up to chance whether or not she'll be there tomorrow when I go to get some more clothes?

 

I honestly appreciate your input, but your last reply was somewhat insulting. I'm not oblivious, but if I let every little thing get me down I'd never get anywhere. The only thing she has ever done that discourages me is that she hasn't yet responded to my message. As I said, if I go in to shop again and she avoids me I'll have my answer. I simply wanted to know if people thought I'd be better off leaving the meeting to chance or just asking if she'll be working on day X.

[Khabarak]

I should also be clear that the persistence I was talking about is intended to be in person. I failed to get an answer when I suggested meeting at the student union through Facebook. My next attempt at such a question will not be on Facebook.

 

The only problem I have is that I'll never see this girl if I don't meet her at work, I don't know she when works, and I don't feel like I should ask again. If she tells me no in person, fine. Honestly, even if she had told me no on Facebook I'd quit, but she didn't answer at all. The reason why is unknown, so I'm not going to assume yet that it is because she is completely disinterested.

[bean1]

For some people, no answer can mean "no" or "I'm still thinking about it". Either way, it isn't a definite yes (or that would be "yes!"). I'd say give her some more time to respond. If she doesn't, then leave it at that. If she does, you will have your answer (or hopefully you will).

 

To be honest, I see a lot of things in her behaviour (that you have shown) that indicates that she isn't the kind of person who is going to say "no", even if she means it. Her behaviour almost seems very "friendzone-ish".

[Khabarak]

A friend is better than nothing and while I might like more, just having another friend would be great. I don't have enough as it is because I've extremely shy and I'm just now finally becoming not-so-shy.

 

Unfortunately even if all I wanted was to be her friend I'd have no idea how to go about telling her that in a completely safe way. Asking her to do something would more than likely be interpreted as a date (probably why she hasn't responded... I really just wanted to talk to find out if a date would be reasonable). If I tell her I'm only interested in being friends that could be interpreted as me saying she's not attractive. Even if she's not interested I feel like saying I just want to be your friend basically says "I want to be your friend, not your date" which I feel could potentially be hurtful. Please, if there is some good way to say "I only want to be friends", tell me because I would value that information greatly...

 

I have a question that is not related to this stuff (it's about what professors are good/bad.. I just registered for next semester's classes and could legitimately use the info). I want her opinion so I'm going to ask. I see no reason not to ask this on Facebook. If she responds and ignores my other message entirely I suppose that says something.

[Tiz]

Tiz,

 

I have been reading what you've written. The only part of your advice I'm really hesitant to following is waiting 5 - 9 days to call assuming I do get a phone number. I get the point, but to me that seems excessive. Aside from that, I have no problems with what you've said. I simply wanted to ask this question (it is different than what I was asking before, by the way) and figured I'd be more likely to get a response if I made a new thread.

 

Yes, I wrote her twice... I guess three times actually if you include my message saying it was nice to see her and that I was sorry I couldn't talk longer.

 

All of those times she responded in less than 12 hours and seemed interested in finding a time when I could meet her again. As little as it is, she actually said, "Yeah, maybe I'll see you again!" with the exclamation point and everything. Unfortunately the days last week that worked for me didn't work for her. She responded quickly... I didn't take that as a bad sign. I wrote saying maybe it would be better to just meet in the student union and she hasn't responded. I was discouraged, obviously, but I don't feel like that means she is completely disinterested in me.

 

Sure, most college girls check their Facebook multiple times a day. I do too. Usually I respond quickly, but there are times when it takes me 4-5 days before I really have the time to log on, let alone respond to a message. And honestly, its not that I want to believe what I said. I tried to be clear that I know it is unlikely, but unlikely doesn't mean impossible. I felt it was worth mentioning.

 

It's not that I can't catch her at work.. of course I could go in every day or every other day and find her, but it is a clothing store and I have no reason to go in after I get the rest of my clothes. Going in over and over just looking for her seems like it would make me seem more desperate the one more message on Facebook asking if she works tomorrow, or Wednesday... So my dilemma was simply do I send that one last message, or do I just leave it up to chance whether or not she'll be there tomorrow when I go to get some more clothes?

 

I honestly appreciate your input, but your last reply was somewhat insulting. I'm not oblivious, but if I let every little thing get me down I'd never get anywhere. The only thing she has ever done that discourages me is that she hasn't yet responded to my message. As I said, if I go in to shop again and she avoids me I'll have my answer. I simply wanted to know if people thought I'd be better off leaving the meeting to chance or just asking if she'll be working on day X.

 

Don't take my directness and honesty as an insult. I'm not trying to insult you. But, the very fact you're on a message board asking about something as simple as this shows me you don't know very much about women and dating. I know you're relatively young, and I was in your shoes once upon a time, and no offense, but the whole tone of your posts about this wreaks of indecisiveness. Women don't like that. I know you're talking to us, but I'm guessing that might show through in your personality when dealing with women.

 

You understand my point about waiting the 5-9 days. Great. It shows the girl you have a life. You are doing other things. It presents challenge as I've stated. A girl may say that's an excessive amount of time to call her, but if she has a high level of attraction I'll bet you she doesn't turn down a date. Like the other posters have said if there's interest she's going to help you no matter what.

 

I'm also saying that it seems you're just beating around the bush too much with this. If you like the girl boyfriend or no boyfriend, working, walking between class, etc. then ask for the home phone number then; none of this, "Nice talking to you", " Sorry it wasn't longer." Facebook stuff. You're on the defensive too much trying to feel her out gauging her reactions when you haven't even asked for the phone number by saying, "As I said, if I go in to shop again and she avoids me I'll have my answer." Go offensive. You pursue and ask for the home phone number no matter what she does or says early in the game. Then you can go from there.

 

Also, you only look desperate if she were to see you coming into her work looking for her everyday. That's not going to happen, because the next time you see her you're going to ask for the home phone number, and you'll have your answer. Writing more Facebook messages is desperate, and she knows you're doing this, because it's right there in front of her! Call the store and ask when (her name) is working next, because you wanted her help picking out some more clothes you wanted to buy, but don't send anymore Facebook messages. Please.

 

 

 

A friend is better than nothing and while I might like more, just having another friend would be great. I don't have enough as it is because I've extremely shy and I'm just now finally becoming not-so-shy.

 

Unfortunately even if all I wanted was to be her friend I'd have no idea how to go about telling her that in a completely safe way. Asking her to do something would more than likely be interpreted as a date (probably why she hasn't responded... I really just wanted to talk to find out if a date would be reasonable). If I tell her I'm only interested in being friends that could be interpreted as me saying she's not attractive. Even if she's not interested I feel like saying I just want to be your friend basically says "I want to be your friend, not your date" which I feel could potentially be hurtful. Please, if there is some good way to say "I only want to be friends", tell me because I would value that information greatly...

 

I have a question that is not related to this stuff (it's about what professors are good/bad.. I just registered for next semester's classes and could legitimately use the info). I want her opinion so I'm going to ask. I see no reason not to ask this on Facebook. If she responds and ignores my other message entirely I suppose that says something.

 

This post is dripping with insecurity and indecisiveness. Again, no offense, but you just really sound like you don't have a lot of confidence in general. I would work on yourself before you get eaten alive in the dating arena.

 

To be bluntly honest with you too asking your mom about love advice or her opinion is pretty wussy behavior in itself . I would leave her out of anything that has to do with this in the future. You're probably not going to get a good read when mommy throws in her two cents.

 

You're either romantically attracted to this girl or you aren't. There's no middle ground before you actually know for sure. I can tell you that if she rejects you romantically and you aren't willing to separate yourself from that and really become a true friend it's going to cause you nothing but pain and frustration in the end. If you can't do that you'll be constantly hoping one day she'll see the light. If you are attracted to her I always say don't keep someone around that doesn't want to keep you around.

 

Write more Facebook messages if you want, but you're only wasting your time no matter what it's about. You're lying to yourself saying that you can't get professor information anywhere else. More contact through Facebook means more of you looking needy and trying to feel her out rather than taking care of business.

Edited November 2, 2009 by Tiz

[Khabarak]

I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I have just a couple more things to say and I'm done.

 

(You didn't cause this, but I need to say it...)

 

To be honest I've been severely depressed for at least the last 6 months (much longer if you count previous episodes). Having someone to do stuff with (a friend or a date) would really help (it has in the past), but I have no one. I sit in my room doing homework for classes I hate, by myself, all week. I could graduate next semester, but I hate my major, so now I'm stuck in college for who knows how much longer.

 

I feel worthless, and I can't tell anyone because everyone thinks I have nothing to feel sad about (yes, I HAVE been told this because I have told people before). Everyone thinks my life is just perfect... well, its not. You're right my self-confidence is ****. It always has been. I've tried to fix it, but every time I feel even the slightest bit confident about something, people shoot me down.

 

Pretty much everybody I know has this preconception about me... they think I'm some kind of genius; that I can do whatever I want; that everything is easy for me. Sure, that sounds great, but try living with it... one little failure becomes something EVERYBODY has to know about. Even something little feels pretty big when you have to explain what happened over and over again.

 

I don't think you understand how lonely I am. Not only am I single, but I have very few friends who are almost never interested in doing something with me unless it involves me helping them with their school work. I've never been invited to a party in 4 years of college, and don't expect to be invited to one anytime soon. When I say I'd be happy to be friends, I mean that 100%.

 

And one last thing... I DID NOT ASK my mom for her opinion, she just gave it. She was standing there when this girl came over and said hello, and she is a lot of the reason I didn't take more action at that time. Go ahead and tell me I shouldn't care who is there if you want. Unfortunately I do, so nothing happened.

 

I'm sorry if you feel like I wasted your time...

 

Good bye.

[Tiz]

I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I have just a couple more things to say and I'm done.

 

(You didn't cause this, but I need to say it...)

 

To be honest I've been severely depressed for at least the last 6 months (much longer if you count previous episodes). Having someone to do stuff with (a friend or a date) would really help (it has in the past), but I have no one. I sit in my room doing homework for classes I hate, by myself, all week. I could graduate next semester, but I hate my major, so now I'm stuck in college for who knows how much longer.

 

I feel worthless, and I can't tell anyone because everyone thinks I have nothing to feel sad about (yes, I HAVE been told this because I have told people before). Everyone thinks my life is just perfect... well, its not. You're right my self-confidence is ****. It always has been. I've tried to fix it, but every time I feel even the slightest bit confident about something, people shoot me down.

 

Pretty much everybody I know has this preconception about me... they think I'm some kind of genius; that I can do whatever I want; that everything is easy for me. Sure, that sounds great, but try living with it... one little failure becomes something EVERYBODY has to know about. Even something little feels pretty big when you have to explain what happened over and over again.

 

I don't think you understand how lonely I am. Not only am I single, but I have very few friends who are almost never interested in doing something with me unless it involves me helping them with their school work. I've never been invited to a party in 4 years of college, and don't expect to be invited to one anytime soon. When I say I'd be happy to be friends, I mean that 100%.

 

And one last thing... I DID NOT ASK my mom for her opinion, she just gave it. She was standing there when this girl came over and said hello, and she is a lot of the reason I didn't take more action at that time. Go ahead and tell me I shouldn't care who is there if you want. Unfortunately I do, so nothing happened.

 

I'm sorry if you feel like I wasted your time...

 

Good bye.

 

I wouldn't be posting here if I thought any of this was a waste of my time.

 

I've been through depressions before. You need to talk to someone about this if this is in fact the way you feel. Based on your financial and medical situation check out therapists and psychiatrists in your area (college health clinic). This could be a reactive transient depression or something more serious like clinical depression. It might be neither, but you need to speak with someone about your loneliness.

 

Two great books I suggest are Unstoppable Confidence by Kent Sayre and The Power of Now - A Guide To Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle.

 

One last thing. I had a girlfriend throughout high school and college, but coming out of high school was a turning point in my life. I realized that I didn't need someone in my life to make me happy. Once you become comfortable with yourself, your purpose, who you are, and being single, and you take on that attitude it's obvious to women. When that exudes from you the women will come running.

Edited November 3, 2009 by Tiz

[Khabarak]

I've been through counseling before, I've taken medicine... unfortunately it never really helped. Depression runs deep in my family, and I always fight with it, but for about 2 years or so I kept it pretty well at bay.

 

To be honest, right now it is fairly situational, but that isn't always the case.

 

I even know what my issues are right now, but there are no apparent fixes at the moment.

 

One I mentioned:

 

My college career. I've come to the realization that these past 4 years (almost 4 years anyway) I have been working towards a degree I really don't want. I'll have gained a valuable degree and important skills, but the idea of sticking around just kills me right now. Luckily I'll still be able to have my schooling paid for in full, but that only provides some comfort.

 

Another, possibly bigger, reason is that my back has been hurting me for about 5-6 months and I can't exercise like I was. I had been exercising 5-7 days a week and it REALLY helps keep the depression away. My back just won't get better and I've already been to the doctor like 3-4 times.

 

A girl, this girl, any girl really, is the least of my problems at the moment... I'm just tired of being alone and, at first, this seemed like it might be an opportunity. I haven't even been on a date in 2 years (which is more than half the time I've even been dating at all) and that gets me down a little bit sometimes too.

 

I don't necessarily need a girlfriend to be happy, but I do need friends who will spend some time with me just to spend time with me. I may have made a couple good friends this semester, but its too early to tell for sure.

 

Basically: Being single is one thing, being almost entirely alone is another. I can handle single, but the combination really gets to me.

 

Thanks for being a good person. I appreciate your support.