Trying to end an emotional affair

[girly81]

I am 28 and have been happily married for ten years. For the first time I understand what people say when they say it is wasn't about their spouse,it was all about me. This experience has nothing to do with my husband. He adores me- he wants to be with me -with and without my clothes on. He is a great provider and an awesome dad. I am just bored. I am trying to pull myself out of an emotional affair and it is heartbreaking. About six months ago I found myself attracted to his best friend, who also happens to be married to my best friend. (I already know how amazingly horrific this is so I need no judgment there.)

I have a feeling many of you will understand how this could happen but want to share what I journaled about this:

"Who are you? You are my best friend's husband, my husband's best friend. Their love for you is contagious and maybe I came to want to be your friend because those I loved best consider you amazing. And yet I am not even sure it could be helped. Can you spend 25 nights on the couch watching movies, sit through candlelit dinners, and afternoons in movie theaters, weekends away, and a half dozen evenings on the beach and not feel the bonds of friendship? Can you laugh till you cry and absolutely let someone see a part of yourself that you have carefully wrapped away from the rest of the world and not love them? Can you desperately storm the gates of heaven on their behalf and conspire for the good of them and not be attached? I don't think I could have escaped even if I wanted to, which I didn't.

 

I have to ask myself where we moved from the safety of the confines of our friendship as the four of us into something that is haunting my dreams and making me nervous to be around you. Until yesterday I couldn't quite figure out if it was all in my head and just me or not. I am as certain as I can be without just coming out and asking you, that the feeling is pretty mutual."

Two months ago he im'd me in the middle of day just to talk. The last two months have consisted of some kind of communication either text, im or seeing one another nearly everyday. All of this has been under the guise of innocence and most of it can be contributed to the fact that are lives are intertwined. For all I know it means nothing to him but that is not the case for me.

 

 

 

Its very hard to end this for two reasons. One is that cutting off total contact will arouse suspicions among our spouses and I have no desire to hurt them. The other is because our spouses have no idea they do things that it make it harder. For example this weekend he was out of town. My best friend wanted me to spend the night with her. So we spent a good portion of the night laying in his bed with her reading me poetry he had written.

 

 

It's not that I am all that opposed to having a relationship outside of my marriage. It's that my feelings for him are so intense that it is making me crazy. I can't figure out where he is at and I can't get any space to let things cool off.

 

 

 

I want to escalate this but because I am so emotionally involved and attached to him because of our friendship that predates any attraction, I don't think I can emotionally stomach the roller coaster ride that a full blown physical affair would bring.

 

 

He was supposed to be a distraction- and now I find myself needing a distraction from my distraction!

[ladydesigner]

I would immediately do little to no contact and let him know this. It is a good idea to let him know that your feelings are becoming strong and that you are starting to feel an attraction towards him and you don't want that to affect your relationship with him and your best friend. If you can try to go NC until you can detach from these feelings I would if at all possible.

 

This situation is a train wreck waiting to happen and I feel for you I really do, it sucks that your best friend is involved in this. This road is a bad road to go down and it will leave everyone tattered and shredded in the end. You may lose everyone in the process so I would stop now.

 

Refocus your energy into something new, a new hobby maybe even one shared with your husband.

[boldjack]

OP, you may not like what I say, because it isn't going to be flattering. You are acting in an incredibly selfish manner. You, just because of boredom, are risking the chance to ruin the lives of three people you supposedly love. I don't think you really know what love is. You are cheating on all three. You deserve nothing from any of them. If you are not horribly ashamed about this, there is something very wrong with you. Stop immediately!! Get counselling!! Try to think of the welfare of somebody else, besides yourself. Unless you do, you are going to lose all of them.

[jwi71]

I think you need to sit your H down and have a frank, awkward and painful talk. Time to confess the "more than friends" to him.

 

I would explain it to him as you have here. I would take your journal, open it, and invite him to read. If you can't be open and honest with your H...then with whom?

 

How will he react? Not well I'm sure.

 

Then, inform him of the MC session you scheduled. To talk with a dispassionate, neutral, trained professional about your M...and why YOU find it boring. Then inform him of your IC sessions to start exploring yourself.

 

If you TRULY want to recover yourself and the M (lets face it, it's an A and that places your M in SERIOUS jeopardy)...this is what I think you should do.

 

Your friends? Lost forever. Sorry. You can't "unjump" once taken the leap. And you took that leap.

[girly81]

First off I m well aware that opening up on a forum is like asking for people to flame you...doesn't make it any easier

 

I know it needs to end. I am trying to do that with the least collateral damage. I am not telling my husband... the only thing that will result is hurt for him. This is my burden to carry. I don't want to end my marriage... I want to not wither up and die from boredom. I want to And not that i am making excuses for my feelings but I have expresssed my boredom and he seems unwilling to do anything to help.

 

The complicated part for me is that I don't know where he is in this. Is it possible for this to be completely innocent for him? There has been no physical contact besides hugging which predates any attraction for him. (My husband hugs his wife too) The texting and iming has never been sexual. I am hesitant to have a conversation with him about it because I don't want to open a door I can't close.

 

You are cheating on all three. You deserve nothing from any of them. If you are not horribly ashamed about this, there is something very wrong with you.

 

I really don't see how I am cheating on him. Even if his intentions were angelic, he initiated and/or participated in private conversations that should have never taken place.

 

You can't "unjump" once taken the leap. And you took that leap.

 

There was no leap...its all in my head.

 

 

 

My real intention for posting here was to find people who had experience dealing with a relationship they were conflicted about. I realize NC is the best, least messiest solution. This is a person who is in and out of my house a few times a week. I have no plans to talk to him this week but we are having dinner on friday night with mutual friends. I need to figure out how to work past my feelings and still maintain a civil relationship.

[boldjack]

You are still being unfair to your husband. He deserves to know what kind of person he is married to. If you truly love and respect him, you will give him that option. Saying you will not tell , to save his feelings is just another selfish lie. You don't tell him, because you are afraid he will kick you to the curb. In your original post you said that you wanted to escalate the affair. Or did you mean that you wanted to DE-escalate it?

[ladydesigner]

You do not need to tell your husband anything. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes these things happen. When you start to get bored in a marriage is when these things creep in. I am a MOW who had an A about a year and a half ago, although mine progressed into a PA. Thank god yours has not progressed that far. Focus on your marriage and find something fun to do with the hubby again. Rebond so to speak. Talk less and less to your H's best friend and if he starts to say things that "cross that line" let him know. He'll get it eventually.

[jwi71]

I know it needs to end. I am trying to do that with the least collateral damage. I am not telling my husband... the only thing that will result is hurt for him.

 

You've already hurt him. You aren't telling because you ARE CHEATING on him. No, not physically yet...but you want that aspect...you already said so.

 

However, I can promise you that sticking your head in the sand and wishing your "boring marriage" away fixes NOTHING. The path you are walking leads to an A and utter devastation for all involved...with your friend's H or another man. In fact...you've already done the damage. You know it. Lets be honest shall we...you aren't telling him to protect HIM...its about protecting yourself. And that's an awful way to view your M.

This is my burden to carry.

No. Your family carries it as well. Trust me on this one.

 

I don't want to end my marriage... I want to not wither up and die from boredom. I want to And not that i am making excuses for my feelings but I have expresssed my boredom and he seems unwilling to do anything to help.

Go to MC. Talk about it there.

And if your H still refuses to budge...file for D. Just file and skip the A bit...its horribly damaging to ALL parties. Just read these forums about OM/OW being strung along by people like you...bored at home but not leaving. Not fair to YOU, to the OM or your H. Trust me, everyone loses.

 

The complicated part for me is that I don't know where he is in this. Is it possible for this to be completely innocent for him? There has been no physical contact besides hugging which predates any attraction for him. (My husband hugs his wife too) The texting and iming has never been sexual. I am hesitant to have a conversation with him about it because I don't want to open a door I can't close.

And here we go...H is out of sight and out of mind. Focusing on the OM. You know, I bet if you began to pour this energy into your H...maybe your M gets better.

 

Oh I know, you already tried. He didn't care. So get a divorce. Because what do you think happens when you get busted...I wonder what your grandparents would think?

 

I really don't see how I am cheating on him

Its an emotional affair. You labeled it yourself in the title. At least be honest with yourself.

 

There was no leap...its all in my head.

Then you wouldn't mind telling your H? After all, its not an A and there was no leap. So go on...what's stopping you?

 

Oh yeah...the title of this thread.

 

Your M is in SERIOUS TROUBLE. If you REALLY want it, FIGHT to save it. Not fight to destroy it. If you want out, no one will blame you, no one will look down or cast dispersion upon you. You cheat...you have no idea. Just read these forums from all sides...the misery and destruction involved is beyond your comprehension now. No, not because your dumb, because you haven't lived it.

 

My real intention for posting here was to find people who had experience dealing with a relationship they were conflicted about. I realize NC is the best, least messiest solution. This is a person who is in and out of my house a few times a week. I have no plans to talk to him this week but we are having dinner on friday night with mutual friends. I need to figure out how to work past my feelings and still maintain a civil relationship.

You need to figure to if you want to stay married or not.

 

If you do, follow my first post and MAYBE you survive. Maybe, you can be happy with your H again (not bored).

 

If not, file for D.

[girly81]

My husband would never kick me to the curb. We had a very early on agreement that if either of us ever screwed up we didn't want to know. He is loyal and loves his life. I have spent the last 10 years making his life run smoothly and making him look good.

 

Being totally honest, I do want to escalate this....but I am trying to end it. I know it is horrific and unthinkable. Its not like I set out to fall for him and that I was the only was fueling this attraction.

 

____________________________________________________

 

I do know what I need to do. I just need to tell somebody how hard this is...

[boldjack]

Ladydesigner, does your husband know or are you still deceiving him? Are your integrity issues effecting your "rebonding".?

[ladydesigner]

Ladydesigner, does your husband know or are you still deceiving him? Are your integrity issues effecting your "rebonding".?

Nope my husband still does not know. No I am not deceiving him. I am still NC with XOM and don't ever plan on contacting him. I do not plan on having another affair and my actions and thoughts on re-bonding are very clear in saving my marriage. My husband on the other hand has appeared to have cheated on me yet again (an OW contacted me recently to let me know of this, of course my H has been denying everything). This recent discovery is making things a little difficult for me but I am not resorting to contacting XOM or finding my way into any more affairs.

 

My integrity issues are not affecting the rebonding my H's recently discovered actions are. My integrity issues only affect my own self-esteem.

[boldjack]

Well, since both of you are cheating/have cheated on each other, and neither has enough love or respect , to be honest, you seem admirably suited .:)

[ladydesigner]

Well, since both of you are cheating/have cheated on each other, and neither has enough love or respect , to be honest, you seem admirably suited

 

It's not admirably suited and you are being facetious. I really don't see how disclosing an affair will help a marriage in all situations. It may have worked for you but does not work for me and these things sometimes are better left unsaid. My marriage has fallen to pieces because of my H's first infidelity. My affair was wrong and I know it was wrong I am not going to sit here for the rest of my life beating my self up about it. S**t happens and it happens in good marriages too. Right now I am still sorting through my decisions in a way that is peaceful for my kids. They love their dad and mom and want to see us together. If we can make that happen then great if not then it is time to part ways.

[Untouchable_Fire]

First off I m well aware that opening up on a The texting and iming has never been sexual. I am hesitant to have a conversation with him about it because I don't want to open a door I can't close.

 

You are right... DO NOT HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH HIM! It would be a pandoras box. It's a door you can't close once open.

 

Believe me... I've been there.

 

Right now you just have a crush. Not a big deal... it will drive you crazy for a while and then fade. You need to get some distance from him. That means all extra contact needs to end.

 

... and he writes poetry?

[girly81]

He is an amazingly talented musician and so I don't know why I was surprised he wrote poetry.

 

Yes.... a crush... and I think it is going to go away as quickly as it showed up. I just need space until that happens.

[jwi71]

My husband would never kick me to the curb. We had a very early on agreement that if either of us ever screwed up we didn't want to know.

 

Then tell him. There is nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain. Maybe, with you and he sitting in Dr. Joe Blow's office and you disclosing your emotional and sexual desires for the OM...he gets it. He wakes up. HE begins to understand the DEPTH of your unhappiness. And changes. Begins to make an effort. And maybe your M improves. And you again capture all that is wonderful in M.

 

Give him that chance. Hiding this from him doesn't help. And, after you do this, he STILL won't budge...there ya go...you have your answer. time for a D.

 

He is loyal and loves his life. I have spent the last 10 years making his life run smoothly and making him look good.

 

Sounds an awful lot like resentment. As if you perceive an unequal burden of the "hard stuff" in a M. Another thing to discuss. With your H. In MC.

Being totally honest, I do want to escalate this....but I am trying to end it. I know it is horrific and unthinkable. Its not like I set out to fall for him and that I was the only was fueling this attraction.

 

You WILL fail. Mostly because you want to escalate it. Because he provides what you are missing. Because its easy (for now). You have a choice...and neither is easy.

 

Hard talk about this with your H. Maybe it gets better. Maybe not. At least you have your answer.

 

Have an A. And your life gets WORSE believe it or not. Just read all the stories of the happy A's here...oops, aren't any. Get it? I know you do. Ultimately, you get the hard talk with your H anyway. Except its a million times worse and lives are in tatters.

 

Any way you slice...you have the hard talk. So do it on your terms. When the damage isn't too great.

 

I do know what I need to do. I just need to tell somebody how hard this is...

 

Please remember its not about ending your attraction to the OM. Your only treating the symptoms here. Treat the root cause...the disease affecting you...your unhappiness. If you don't you'll be right back here again with another OM....fix the root problem. And I firmly believe you need your H's help to do so.

[lkjh]

You need to cut this friend out of your life or you will be back here in one year writing about your PA and then two years down the road you will be writing about your divorce. You already know what you need to do, so just do it. Stop IM the guy, texting, and phone calls. If he contacts you give him short responses but don't be rude.

 

Lastly, find another way of passing the time other than flirting with OM.

 

Ladydesigner,

Yes you still are deceiving your H. Just because the affair is no longer active does not mean you can now lie about it. With holding information is the same as lying

[ladydesigner]

Ladydesigner,

Yes you still are deceiving your H. Just because the affair is no longer active does not mean you can now lie about it. With holding information is the same as lying

 

Okay then I am a liar. I still don't see the point. I guess I'll have to agree to disagree.

 

Sorry to OP for the T/J I am no longer going to respond to this I have heard it time and time again and still will never see the point in it.

[AJS]

Best friends are rare and I couldn't handle one of mine doing this to me. You should be thankful for your friend instead of trying to steal her H. Picture her doing the same to you, now tell me how you feel!

 

Men will come and go, but a best friend (a real one) will stick by you forever.

[Heather1]

I had a crush 10 years into my m and we've been great friends off & on ever since. The biggest mistake you could make is telling the guy how you feel, that will light a bomb!!! I told my H, and discreetly stayed away from the EA. If I felt close again, I would keep my distance again. That was 10 years ago, and I'm not attracted to him at all anymore. This is the stuff spouses need to tell each other though, because it'll come up for both of you from time to time. You can discuss how you both want to handle it before it affects your M & his friendship. Better that, than the alternative. Keep your distance for awhile, just be busy, and DON'T TELL THE EA!!!

[fooled once]

want to not wither up and die from boredom. I want to And not that i am making excuses for my feelings but I have expresssed my boredom and he seems unwilling to do anything to help.

 

Your boredom is YOUR responsibility.

 

It isn't your H's job to find you something to do, something to entertain yourself.

 

Maybe get a job? Volunteer at a children's hospital for kids with cancer? Volunteer at a homeless shelter? Volunteer at a battered woman's shelter?

 

Maybe then you will see how good of a life you have. Maybe then you can be grateful instead of seeming to act spoiled. That is one of the many problems with the younger generation - they seem to get bored easily, need someone to entertain them, can't entertain themselves and are selfish. They do what they want without thought to those they are hurting around them.

 

How do you think your best friend will feel when/if she finds out you have been daydreaming about her husband? How would you feel if you found out she was feeling this way about your husband?

 

He is loyal and loves his life. I have spent the last 10 years making his life run smoothly and making him look good.

 

And he has spent the last 10 years making it so you can not be so stress with .... whatever. And to repay him for his hard work, you are lusting after his best friend.

 

My husband would never kick me to the curb. We had a very early on agreement that if either of us ever screwed up we didn't want to know.

 

Well, seems like you also made an agreement to love each other, be faithful to each other and respect each other.....

 

Some agreements get broken.

 

You have really no idea HOW he would react and I don't think you are willing to risk it which is why you don't want to tell him.

 

Stop being selfish. Stop being bored. Find something to occupy you. If your marriage is boring, spice it up. If your H doesn't want to, maybe you should wonder if HE has already stepped out on you because you bore him?

 

Marriages should be about love and respect. If you can't find that or do that, then separate and decide if the marriage is worth working on. Don't involve yourself emotionally or physically with anyone else until you make the determination to save or leave the marriage.

 

Just stop playing with fire before you get burned or burn someone else. If you can't be true to your husband (mentally and physically), and if you can't be true to your best friend -- then maybe it is time for you to move on?

 

Good luck figuring it all out.

[kis]

You are right... DO NOT HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH HIM! It would be a pandoras box. It's a door you can't close once open.

 

Believe me... I've been there.

 

Right now you just have a crush. Not a big deal... it will drive you crazy for a while and then fade. You need to get some distance from him. That means all extra contact needs to end.

 

... and he writes poetry?

 

I totally agree. Having crushes sometimes is human nature. But revealing them would be very hurtful. It is a hurt they would never forget and knowlege that I think could be very damaging.

 

My husband has had affiars before. It was was the most painful time in my life. If he had one again. I hope I never know about it. Sometime people confess to relieve there own pain. But they heap that pain onto there spouse. That is selfish if you ask me.

[lkjh]

I had a crush 10 years into my m and we've been great friends off & on ever since. The biggest mistake you could make is telling the guy how you feel, that will light a bomb!!! I told my H, and discreetly stayed away from the EA. If I felt close again, I would keep my distance again. That was 10 years ago, and I'm not attracted to him at all anymore. This is the stuff spouses need to tell each other though, because it'll come up for both of you from time to time. You can discuss how you both want to handle it before it affects your M & his friendship. Better that, than the alternative. Keep your distance for awhile, just be busy, and DON'T TELL THE EA!!!

 

I agree with this, I really have no idea why some people say to tell the EA. That just opens it up for a PA