johno35 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Hi, I am in my mid-thirties and I have been with my wife for 11 years. We have two wonderful kids, a nice home and a comfortable (although very busy) life. We are healthy and fit and there is no question that we love each other. The one problem that I have, and that seems fairly common amongst others with a similar life scenario, is a general lack of intimacy with my wife. Sex hasn't seemed to come naturally to us for some time now. When we do have sex, which is becoming more and more infrequent, I feel like my wife is doing it out of a sense of obligation and not because she desires me or is interested in exploring our mutual sexuality. I do not feel confident in bed anymore and at times I even feel awkward. It is getting to the point where my interest in having sex is starting to fade simply because I don't want to deal with the uneasy feelings that accompany it. I now find myself thinking that I'll see this thing through more for the sake of my children than for the sake of my relationship with my wife and that I'll re-evaluate when the time comes that my kids can strike out on their own. Obviously, I do not want to be thinking this way and formulating my future escape, but what is a partnership without intimacy? I love my wife and I still find her beautiful and want her physically as much as I did during the first five years when sex came naturally and was mutually enjoyable. I tell her this and I have tried to show her this through my actions. I have suggested counselling, but she is not interested. At this point, I'm not really sure what to do. I know other women want me, but I'm not interested in having an affair and I don't want to break up my family. I just don't want to live my life in a relationship defunct of mutually enjoyable intimacy! Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated. End of rant.
hopeful1980 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Have you read any books on the subject? There is a wealth of information in them. You aren't alone. Most marriages go through something similar at one time or another. It's funny you mentioned feeling awkward in bed. My husband said something similar to me last night. I actually broached the subject of our bedroom situation and he said that he sometimes feels timid approaching me. I don't want him to feel that way, so I asked what I can do to make it easier on him. Anyway, you have to approach this situation with the premise that you can not change or control your wife's actions. Knowing this, you have to look for changes you can make in yourself that will prompt a change in her. How can you show her more intimacy? How can you change your approach in the bedroom? What can you say to her to make her understand how you are feeling?
mem11363 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You have a very even keeled way of looking at this. That is a great help in these situations. Most women have lower drives then their men - I call this the "spread". Over time that spread can get big and destroy the marriage. And as you have said, the destruction is often delayed until the kids leave. By the way I bet the thing that feels the worst to you right now is that this huge marriage eating issue does not seem to be a priority at all to your wife. There are things that she and that you can do that MIGHT, emphasis on might - increase her desire level. More on that below. But for the moment, assume you can't increase her desire, that is still ok as I believe there are 3 core factors that can narrow the spread: Love: She loves you enough that she gets pleasure from bringing you pleasure. She does this in a way that makes you feel desired. Fear: She is afraid of the negative consequence of having a bad sexual relationship. And of course I don't mean physical fear. I mean she notices a difference. You are less helpful, you spend less time with her. You say I love you less frequently or stop saying it at all. You do the core things you have to - the mechanics of marriage - but an ever decreasing amount of the optional loving things. Guilt: This is when somehow she realizes that by denying you sex, she is truly denying you love and that doing so is cruel. Separate from that - some questions about her - that might pertain to her desire level. - Does she exercise - this is big - working out can really help a womans libido - Does she eat healthy - Does she get enough sleep - Has she stayed fit - does SHE feel sexy/believe she is attractive There have been times in my marriage where I directly told my wife that her lack of exercise/diet/sleep was becoming my problem in that it was making her irritable and less interested in sex etc. And my approach is to nicely explain once, and then start inviting her on nightly walks or to come to the gym. And she responds well to that. And as for sleep the same. I have directly said - you need to get in bed earlier - or get up later - you cannot walk around this sleep deprived it is unfair to the other 4 people in this house. And when I am doing a nightly one hour walk, and she starts to say no frequently - then I start relentlessly teasing her about how the tv or phone time with her sisters/or friends is more important then our marriage. It only takes a couple comments like that for her participation to resume. One last thing. If you have even the tiniest doubt - put a keylogger on the computer. It will remove any doubt at all as to what is happening. And I am not suggesting a PA - but it is easy for some women to slide into an EA on the computer. Hi, I am in my mid-thirties and I have been with my wife for 11 years. We have two wonderful kids, a nice home and a comfortable (although very busy) life. We are healthy and fit and there is no question that we love each other. The one problem that I have, and that seems fairly common amongst others with a similar life scenario, is a general lack of intimacy with my wife. Sex hasn't seemed to come naturally to us for some time now. When we do have sex, which is becoming more and more infrequent, I feel like my wife is doing it out of a sense of obligation and not because she desires me or is interested in exploring our mutual sexuality. I do not feel confident in bed anymore and at times I even feel awkward. It is getting to the point where my interest in having sex is starting to fade simply because I don't want to deal with the uneasy feelings that accompany it. I now find myself thinking that I'll see this thing through more for the sake of my children than for the sake of my relationship with my wife and that I'll re-evaluate when the time comes that my kids can strike out on their own. Obviously, I do not want to be thinking this way and formulating my future escape, but what is a partnership without intimacy? I love my wife and I still find her beautiful and want her physically as much as I did during the first five years when sex came naturally and was mutually enjoyable. I tell her this and I have tried to show her this through my actions. I have suggested counselling, but she is not interested. At this point, I'm not really sure what to do. I know other women want me, but I'm not interested in having an affair and I don't want to break up my family. I just don't want to live my life in a relationship defunct of mutually enjoyable intimacy! Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated. End of rant.
angie2443 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Do you date at least once a week? Do you guys talk and joke on a daily basis? It is possible to live with someone, have sex with someone and loose the connection with that person. Eventually, the love just dies. I'm wondering if you and your wife still feel connected to each other.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Do you date at least once a week? Do you guys talk and joke on a daily basis? It is possible to live with someone, have sex with someone and loose the connection with that person. Eventually, the love just dies. I'm wondering if you and your wife still feel connected to each other. Good advice. I think that you also have to realize that at times in a marriage one partner has to do the bulk of the emotional heavy lifting to keep things going. So while you imply that you're situation isn't fair or balanced (and that's true!), you need to stay focused on the desired goal of staying connected and reaching out. There are many books that address what you're feeling, do some research here for suggestions. Keep posting ... Mr. Lucky
mem11363 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Angie, I agree that it is important to do what you suggest below. And I also believe that the OP has stated that he has made the effort to communicate his love to his wife in many ways - with no success. He has suggested counselling and she has declined. Which usually means that she doesn't think this is a solvable problem - and therefore does not want to discuss it - or she simply doesn't feel like making the effort to solve it because she is happy with how things are. My experience is that if you show your spouse love - genuine - real love and support, and they are not reciprocating - the worst possible thing you can do is double down and show them MORE love. This creates two reactions: - They feel emotionally claustrophobic which makes them sexually averse - If it is the man - chasing - he comes across as weak and/or needy which is also a huge turn off I do think "mating in captivity" could be good for him to read. And the 5 love languages might be good for her to read. Of course - they should both read both books - but she simply may not realize that this is so serious that her H is thinking that an exit after the kids leave is his best option. Of course the most extreme option is to write the future letter - it is the letter that tells your spouse that you are leaving - and it is dated on your youngest childs 18th birthday. And it explains in a nice way why you are leaving and why the damage done by many, many years of physical / emotional neglect is not reversible. But I think that such a letter is a last resort and only gets used after a bunch of other steps. Do you date at least once a week? Do you guys talk and joke on a daily basis? It is possible to live with someone, have sex with someone and loose the connection with that person. Eventually, the love just dies. I'm wondering if you and your wife still feel connected to each other.
lostlove1 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 From my own personal experience I can tell you that anger and the resentment that builds from not discussing and taking care of small issues can affect the intimacy. My husband and I go thru the same things......and I know that just his lack of understanding and me being completely worn out from being a full time stay at home mom and his NOT helping has caused a lot of problems. You stated that you had kids.....does your wife stay home full time? She may not feel appreciated or just completely exhausted.....and maybe she is afraid of the marriage counselor because she is afraid of facing issues....it is the unknown so its uncomfortable. I would say, start small, baby steps to show some appreciation, let her know that you care....maybe help a little bit more, or watch her favorite show, or bring take-out home, flowers......this may sound crazy, but it would have great meaning to her and start breaking down some of those walls.
frustrated_one Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 that you find yourself in this situation. I will tell you that in my range of girl friends I am surprised at how many don't want to have sex with their husbands. They feel obligated, as you said. It's not something they want. One girl "does it" only has often has she has to. She says she feels like it is rape. She will go to the bathroom and cry afterwards. Others say they are too tired. WHY do they have to have sex, they ask? I don't understand the attitude. One said she would rather go to a bar and have sex with a stranger than with her husband - sex with him comes with too many strings/obligations. It sounds like you are doing all that you can - I mean, if you suggest counseling she's got to know it's an issue.
boundaryproblem Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 A man being manly works for me. Read the divorce-busting 180 degree list. e.g. get busy, don't follow her around the house, never lose your cool, backoff/shut up/walk away, don't be desperate and needy. The more masculine you are, the more feminine she will want to be. And therein lies the sexual tension. e.g. dad yells at kids and enforces discipline at home - wife gets horny. That solid male strength.
silverfish Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 I'll be a little more blunt maybe. Do you satisy your wife sexually, make sure she has orgasms, take a long time to turn her on, make her feel beautiful, wanted, and desirable. Most men do this early on and then give up. Most women dont enjoy sex unless they have lots of foreplay and emotional sexual stimulation. everyone knows this and there arent any short cuts really. 'Too tired' is not an excuse - quality is better than quantity for women. When the man becomes routine & selfish in bed, it gets depressing, mundane, and yeah - a chore. It's hard to bring this up with a man you've been with for a while without hurting his feelings, because it does hurt his feelings. Women arent that hard to please. I'm quite a complicated person but give me the romantic cliche of flowers, food, bath, massage, and really, I'm very happy. If the sex lasts 5 minutes on the other hand....he can stick the flowers up his ****
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