JaggedRoad Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 It has been about 3 weeks since I last had contact with my ex, and I'm tempted to break NC again. The last time I contacted her, I told her: "Let's never contact each other again. You don't like me and I don't like you. There's no need to change that. I hope you find happiness; everyone deserves that. Goodbye." I'm conflicted! Half of me desperately wants to hold onto NC for the sake of my sanity. The other half desperately wants to contact her and apologize, and try to reconcile so there can be a chance of us being friends again. I don't want to hold onto any long-term hatred against her and I feel like the only way to dispose of that hatred is by reconciling with her. Thoughts? Opinions? And btw, check out my first comic strip at http://jaggedroad.com It's bland humor, but it's a start
Odyssey Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 "Let's never contact each other again. You don't like me and I don't like you. There's no need to change that. I hope you find happiness; everyone deserves that. Goodbye." Sounds pretty final & permanent. Did you send this out of frustration to stay nc or out of anger at the time? Are you regretting it somehow?
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Yes, I sent it out of anger at the time. I tried to talk to her, but she ignored me for a few hours, so I resorted to sending her those few lines. I do regret it, but there's a lingering feeling that's telling me that it was necessary.
Odyssey Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 i understand...and think she did too. I mean who wouldn't of been angry. Anyway, it doesn't matter now. Stick to nc man.
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 The thoughts are overwhelming me right now: thoughts of anger, forgiveness, sorrow, and fondness all stirred up in my little head. There is still a bit--that I am aware of--that she has yet to fully disclose. It's like she's dangling a carrot in front of me hoping that I would walk around in circles trying to grab a hold of it. But even so, I am trying my best to resist my urge to contact her. I am certain that she will not invite, much less entertain, my request for answers. I am thinking about heading to my school after work and hang out in my club room so I can relieve some of this stress. That is unless someone thinks it's a good idea to contact the ex.
JL911 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 DONT DO IT....Stick on your path you are doing so well and will start to see things in a whole different light soon!
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Didn't break NC today. I went to my club room after finishing work and tried to relax a little. There was an intellectual discussion going on and that dramatically improved my mood. However, it made me miss the discussions that I once had with my ex. I really miss my best friend =/
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Three years have gone by. Three years gone. I sit here reminiscing, but I do not understand these memories. What happened to our bond? There's nothing left for me to remember you by. Not even the diaries. No, I am not mad at you. Disappointed, but not mad. But I am disappointed more in myself. I know it was my doing as well. My careless mistakes. I allowed things to swallow me up. I allowed myself to withdraw from you and push you away. Whatever happened to the me that you fell in love with? The kind and caring me. The considerate and compassionate me. Maybe we moved too fast. We did, didn't we? What happened to our innocence? I wish we could go back to when we first held hands. When we first kissed. When we first laid. Or even to the first time we said those three words. I love you. What meaning does that have now? Is that in the past as well? I sit here trying to have everything sink in. There is something missing. Something that I used to know. Something that I used to understand. How did we lose our way? How did I lose mine? I miss my best friend. I really do. I wish we could speak again. Like we used to. Before things sped on by. This is three years later, but it feels no different than 3 years ago when that happened. Things have changed, but a lot still remain the same. All I really want to say is sorry. Sorry for not being me. Sorry for trying to be someone I was not. Sorry for doing things I never thought I would do. I'm sorry.
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Am I feeling overwhelmed because I've never gone past 3 weeks of NC before? I feel like I'm drowning everytime I resist an urge to contact her. Maybe I should go back to my club room again tonight and talk to friends.
Odyssey Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 i don't know about other people, but the first month was the hardest for me to cope. Zero motivation. Faking it in the day 'cause i had to sit opposite my ex. Moping at home during the evening. Coping with that empty-weekend-feeling. Room's a mess. I was a mess. Not healthy. Then i saw myself in the mirror and hated that i'd neglected myself. And from that day, a part of my old self came back and kicked my ass for being so pathetic. I took charge of my life again. Be patient JR, you'll get there too. It's like a switch that clicks inside your head, where you start seeing yourself and what you are doing (almost like a 3rd person perspective). You'll realise you are doing this. You are allowing yourself to feel crappy. Go see your friends. Go punch a bag (endorphins great for heartbreak). Go focus on a new hobby/project. Go see a movie. Go & have a laugh. The important thing is...go. do. something. (hell, even get away from LS for awhile).
Author JaggedRoad Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 So I guess it's merely the thought of nearly a month of NC that's causing me to feel this way, and not NC itself. Makes sese.
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