mface Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 looking for some quick advice from married people in particular. i've been with my fiancee for almost two years, and friends before that for a year. when we met, we were dating other people, but had unspoken feelings we were supposed to be together. neither of us cheated on our exes, and so our relationship got started on the right foot. throughout our relationship, i have never questioned that he was the one i wanted to be with. we have very much in common (sense of humor, values, religious fervor), and he is a man of very strong character, someone people look up to for a number of reasons. so do i, of course. and everything romantic between us(although we are waiting till marriage for sex) has been excellent. two months ago, we became engaged. again, no doubts. but then we went to a marriage retreat for our church, and i was oddly struck by the seriousness of what we are planning to undertake. i say oddly, because i felt that i was taking marriage very seriously, but now i feel very stressed about having a good marriage or not messing up. and here's the oddest thought, the one i'm looking for advice to clear things up: it occured to me that, although my future hubby has all the qualities i need in a man, he's actually very different than what i suppose would be my fantasy guy. i used to picture myself with some sort of highly cultured academic-type, and while my guy is very very bright, he's more like a regular person or a guy from the neighborhood. sort of. even there, he stands out as special or different or whatever. anyway, i'm upset, because this has made me feel snobbish. and i don't want to end up resenting my guy because of this later on. so, advice? is this a blip i should ignore? am i just being paranoid? is what we already have enough for a good marriage?
The Midnight Rider Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I had to reread this post a few times before I prepared my intriguing and elaborate response and here it is. The heart wants what the heart wants. Deep, aint it? What made Romeo fall for Juliet? What made my grandmother love my grandfather until death? What made my poor long suffering wife put up with my ass for as long as she has? I don't have the answer. I don't have a clue. You went to a church retreat? What did you go for, the scenery? Pray about it. Is this man really not what you want? If not, jump now. If so, close your eyes and step off into the Final Frontier.
hopeful1980 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Whatever you do, don't go into this marriage thinking you can change him or that he will change. He won't. You have to accept him for who he is and marry the man he is now. You have to show him you love him just the way he is and never expect him to be anyone other than that. If you can't do that, break it off.
mem11363 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 - Is he hardworking and a good provider? - Is he able to converse with you about anything and everything you are interested in? - If you asked him to take you to the theater - how would he react? looking for some quick advice from married people in particular. i've been with my fiancee for almost two years, and friends before that for a year. when we met, we were dating other people, but had unspoken feelings we were supposed to be together. neither of us cheated on our exes, and so our relationship got started on the right foot. throughout our relationship, i have never questioned that he was the one i wanted to be with. we have very much in common (sense of humor, values, religious fervor), and he is a man of very strong character, someone people look up to for a number of reasons. so do i, of course. and everything romantic between us(although we are waiting till marriage for sex) has been excellent. two months ago, we became engaged. again, no doubts. but then we went to a marriage retreat for our church, and i was oddly struck by the seriousness of what we are planning to undertake. i say oddly, because i felt that i was taking marriage very seriously, but now i feel very stressed about having a good marriage or not messing up. and here's the oddest thought, the one i'm looking for advice to clear things up: it occured to me that, although my future hubby has all the qualities i need in a man, he's actually very different than what i suppose would be my fantasy guy. i used to picture myself with some sort of highly cultured academic-type, and while my guy is very very bright, he's more like a regular person or a guy from the neighborhood. sort of. even there, he stands out as special or different or whatever. anyway, i'm upset, because this has made me feel snobbish. and i don't want to end up resenting my guy because of this later on. so, advice? is this a blip i should ignore? am i just being paranoid? is what we already have enough for a good marriage?
quankanne Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) "although my future hubby has all the qualities i need in a man, he's actually very different than what i suppose would be my fantasy guy. i used to picture myself with some sort of highly cultured academic-type" oh, this is making me laugh my head off, because I shocked the hell out of myself when I realized that my husband was NOT the person I thought I'd end up with – different upbringings, different religious viewpoints, different racial background, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different educational background, etc. like you, I thought I'd end up with a certain kind of guy (read: Educated, a good money manager, etc), but instead found my redneck husband all those years ago. But you know what? He's perfect in the ways that matter the most. He treated my parents like they were his own, even helping care for my dad when he was dying and two of my stinky siblings couldn't even bother to help. He's fantastic when it comes to me visiting my friends on vacation, and some of them are guys – he understands that I want time to just hang out with these folks without having to rush here or there, and to me that's priceless. He's also been really great about the whole birthday-Christmas-birthday thing (our birthdays are a month apart, with Christmas in between), where we just get one major thing we need for the house rather than expensive gifts for each other. Stuff like that, which I never really considered when we first got together 20 years ago. in a way, it's a good thing that you're looking at it from all angles, but as an old married lady, I can assure you that if you can look at him and feel a strong sense of trust in your future together, that he's going to be the guy who will make that ride an enjoyable one and who you can count on, that's the important thing. Not his lack of education or social standing, or whatever else you "think" important – it's what's inside that matters the most. And you'll know if he's really a keeper if he can help make your life go a bit more smoothly by stepping up when you need it most, like when my husband offered to help care for my dying daddy. now i feel very stressed about having a good marriage or not messing up. the biggest thing a couple has going for them is a strong sense of communication and dedication to the relationship. Mix in love, and you've got everything you need for a good marriage. But the communication is the most important, because if you don't have that, problems can crop up. Edited November 2, 2009 by quankanne
Neutrino Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 looking for some quick advice from married people in particular. i've been with my fiancee for almost two years, and friends before that for a year. when we met, we were dating other people, but had unspoken feelings we were supposed to be together. neither of us cheated on our exes, and so our relationship got started on the right foot. throughout our relationship, i have never questioned that he was the one i wanted to be with. we have very much in common (sense of humor, values, religious fervor), and he is a man of very strong character, someone people look up to for a number of reasons. so do i, of course. and everything romantic between us(although we are waiting till marriage for sex) has been excellent. two months ago, we became engaged. again, no doubts. but then we went to a marriage retreat for our church, and i was oddly struck by the seriousness of what we are planning to undertake. i say oddly, because i felt that i was taking marriage very seriously, but now i feel very stressed about having a good marriage or not messing up. and here's the oddest thought, the one i'm looking for advice to clear things up: it occured to me that, although my future hubby has all the qualities i need in a man, he's actually very different than what i suppose would be my fantasy guy. i used to picture myself with some sort of highly cultured academic-type, and while my guy is very very bright, he's more like a regular person or a guy from the neighborhood. sort of. even there, he stands out as special or different or whatever. anyway, i'm upset, because this has made me feel snobbish. and i don't want to end up resenting my guy because of this later on. so, advice? is this a blip i should ignore? am i just being paranoid? is what we already have enough for a good marriage? Mface - at least postpone the wedding until you clear your doubts. IMO the most noticeable thing in your post is the sentence "He has all the qualities I NEED" by no means all the qualities you WANT. I think that the underlying feelings and thoughts that made you choose that specific phrasing, are a warning. I think deep inside - you already know this is not it.
Devil Inside Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Do not marry this man until you are sure that this is what you want. Trust me on this one...it hurts much less to figure out now....before you get married...that he is not the one...then after.
bloggervenus Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I think the fact that you are asking this question is a big red flag. It doesn't matter whether he is the academic type or not, what is important is despite that, do you respect him? do you admire him? do you trust him? Notice I did not ask, do you love him? Love in these instances can be misleading. Because we as women tend to mix feeling sorry for, or feeling motherly for, or feeling compassion for a man with loving that man. The question is do you love him as a man (a masculine figure that gives you a sense of security and acts as your protector and provider)? I agree with the earlier comment about how you are talking about what you need versus what you want. I made the same mistake in my life. I focused too much on what was right and what I thought I needed. I totally ignored my feelings and my desires, thinking they were going to pass, but these things (no matter how illogical and stupid you think they are) have a way of surfacing or worse accumulating as bitterness. If you feel your husband is a mediocre person, and you desire something more, then don't reason with yourself. This is how you feel and your feeling IS improtant. Don't be afraid of being lonely or not finding anyone as good as him. I assure you. Once you show the universe that you have the courage to stand up for what you want, it rewards you in multiples. Good luck to you :-)
laRubiaBonita Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 like you, I thought I'd end up with a certain kind of guy (read: Educated, a good money manager, etc), but instead found my redneck husband all those years ago. But you know what? He's perfect in the ways that matter the most. in a way, it's a good thing that you're looking at it from all angles, but as an old married lady, I can assure you that if you can look at him and feel a strong sense of trust in your future together, that he's going to be the guy who will make that ride an enjoyable one and who you can count on, that's the important thing. Not his lack of education or social standing, or whatever else you "think" important – it's what's inside that matters the most. And you'll know if he's really a keeper if he can help make your life go a bit more smoothly by stepping up when you need it most, like when my husband offered to help care for my dying daddy. the biggest thing a couple has going for them is a strong sense of communication and dedication to the relationship. Mix in love, and you've got everything you need for a good marriage. But the communication is the most important, because if you don't have that, problems can crop up. AMEN!
laRubiaBonita Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 I think the fact that you are asking this question is a big red flag. i disagree, i think her asking question is the best thing ever! i think if more newly engaged couples thought about marriage as seriously, and not just think of a wedding day- i think more marriages would survive longer. and i totally agreed with what quank said above.
confusedinkansas Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Everyone assumes when they get married that they are marrying the RIGHT person. But over time people do change. You can't stop that from happening. Marriages go thru so many phases - I personally have lost count in mine. (Married almost 30 years) I married what I thought was a perfect husband - & I'm sure he thought so about me too. But in 1980 we were young. Desparate to be together. We've been to hell & back over many many different issues. He's changed, I've changed. Kids, Mortgages, Car Payments, Credit Card Bills, Illness, Parental Deaths, all of this takes its toll on marriages. Some survive, some don't. We have! Ask your parents, ask older married couples in your church. They are your best resource. LOVESHACK is not a good resource for young marrieds or thinking of marrying. It will MESS YOU UP. (IMO) All I can say is that you can't predict the future. If you are quesioning now - it's in your head & you may not get it out. You may always question. Just try to make sure the best that you can NOW...Don't try to think too far down the pike - it'll make your head spin.
boundaryproblem Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 It sounds trite but my gut never lies to me. My head and my heart can be hopelessly confused. But my gut never lies. Are you listening to what your gut is telling you, or are you over-thinking it (head) or are you over-fantasizing (heart). It takes about 2 seconds to scan your gut to find the answer. You just have to be prepared to follow-through. I often know when I'm in denial, but the 'noise' from my head/heart are good excuses to ignore my gut. I looked through your posting history re this and previous relationships and I picked up on these keywords that caused me concern: anxiety, obssessive thinking, fell for him instantly, daydreaming, soulmate, am I crazy. What I didn't see, and what I expected to see, was a description of him interacting with you and those behaviours. It was all about your feelings, and few details about the day-to-day grind of your relationship. I recommend you take a look at this website (i'll type it wierd so it doesn't get deleted, but ignore the dashes) - w-w-w-.-b-a-g-g-a-g-e-r-e-c-l-a-i-m from the UK. It is about us women who over-fantasize, and over-think relationships. Sure the 'heart wants what it wants', but sometimes we are 'betting on potential' and it needs to move to the realm of reality before you can assess if you are ready for marriage. What are his actions and how is he treating you? Day in, day out - does he add value to your life. Or are you constantly anxious and wondering what is going on? Sorry this is so long. But I have walked many miles in your shoes and I'm just trying to help. I agree with Devil Inside - be very sure before marry. If he is the right guy for you this year, he will be the right guy for you in 10 years. You have to do what is right for you.
bloggervenus Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 It sounds trite but my gut never lies to me. My head and my heart can be hopelessly confused. But my gut never lies. Silly question but how do you know what your gut says? I can tell when my heart wants something. It is the underlying desire. It is what you like to do. What the head says is also easy. It is mostly fear based. You reason and provide logic to protect yourself from the insanity of desires that may not be to your long term benefit. But how do you listen to your gut? I know it is a difficult question, but maybe you can explain it a bit more? thanks so much.
HaveYouEver Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) Have you ever been about to do somthing, and your tummy kinda tightens up, and a small voice in your head says "no...no...no..." ? That is a gut reaction. Sometimes that voice is saying yes, but either way, you get what I mean? And if you pay attention, it is always the first thing that happens, one way or the other, before you have a chance to think about it. OP - Your "fantasy guy", as you put it, is just that - a fantasy. Real men, and real love, is messy, imperfect, a lot of work - and worth it in the end. What makes a marriage last isn't looks, or education, money, or charm. It's dedication. Because all the rest of it fades away in the face of real life. His charm won't matter after you share a bed on "chili night" for the hundredth time. His looks don't mean squat after you have to resqueeze the toothpaste to the end of the tube yet again, or splash into cold toilet water at 1am because he forgot to put the seat down again. He'll do a hundred little things that will drive you crazy. And this is true no matter what man you marry. What will make a marriage last, is if you can look at these things, see him at his very worst - and still make that conscious decision to love him. So put the fantasy man aside, look at this man, and decide now if you can tolerate all the stupid things he's gonna do, every day for the rest of your life. If you love him enough to say yes - then there's your answer. Edited November 4, 2009 by HaveYouEver
boundaryproblem Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 hmm. trying to describe it is hard. It is like a lighthouse between your tummy and your backbone. It emits repetitive signals. The same signal over and over. But it is a very quiet signal. It isn't the "butterflies". It is a much firmer almost internal physical punch. But a gut feeling is easy to cover up - sort of like a water stain on a wood table. You just put a tablecloth over it. The 'noise' from your head and heart are like the tablecloth. You know that feeling when a guy gives you the creeps? That is a gut feeling. Or when someone is talking and you just suddenly know for no reason that they are lying? That is a gut feeling.
Author mface Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 I looked through your posting history re this and previous relationships and I picked up on these keywords that caused me concern: anxiety, obssessive thinking, fell for him instantly, daydreaming, soulmate, am I crazy. What I didn't see, and what I expected to see, was a description of him interacting with you and those behaviours. It was all about your feelings, and few details about the day-to-day grind of your relationship. Quickly, I'll just say that if you're going to look at my post history, all of my posts before this one are about two years old and concern a different man, someone who, in retrospect, would have been the worst possible person for me. At the time, I was head over heels for him, but after a few months the problems became apparent and it was dificult for me to face them. And the ex is actually the one I want dating when I met my fiance, so imagine how thoroughly I had to search my soul in letting go of the ex and starting my current relationship. And now, after two years of dating, I'm getting my first pangs of fear re: marriage. Yes, I am a TEXTBOOK anxiety case and overthinker, which is why I came here in the first place. Haha. Loveshack is probably not the best place to seek out advice. But thank you to most of you.
NowhereToHide Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I had to reread this post a few times before I prepared my intriguing and elaborate response and here it is. The heart wants what the heart wants. Deep, aint it? What made Romeo fall for Juliet? What made my grandmother love my grandfather until death? What made my poor long suffering wife put up with my ass for as long as she has? I don't have the answer. I don't have a clue. You went to a church retreat? What did you go for, the scenery? Pray about it. Is this man really not what you want? If not, jump now. If so, close your eyes and step off into the Final Frontier. well said.
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