A wife's awakening

[mareile]

I am here seeking advice, but am starting with a quote from another thread as it is so key in my own situation:

 

I think you've got a tough road. Your wife's depression may make her unable to do two things -

 

- understand her role and responsibilities in the marriage

- appreciating your part

 

You're going to have to manage both her treatment and your marriage's need for MC with a competent counselor. Like I said, it's a big challenge...

 

Mr. Lucky

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=2382724

 

 

I've been married to my husband for 22 yrs and the combination of a recent EA on my end, which I had made a deliberate choice to nip in the bud about one month into it, and reading the heart felt postings here, have woken me up to really seeing my part in where things have gone wrong in our M.

 

I am feeling a lot of remorse. Things have really 180'd in my mind to where I am now focused on my own role and responsibilities in the M in how things went down hill (emotionally and physically) and am also only focused on my H's positives now. So the quote above pretty much sums up where I am, having reached those two points. My heart is turned back towards him.

 

Depression has been a part of it, which also had to do with past traumas in my earlier life, which over the past ten years have been worked through in a big way on my end, so I don't feel they are in the way anymore. Unfortunately for him, working through these traumas sapped energy away from what should have been for him, for us.

 

For the past days I've been trying to figure out how to turn things around, towards building an intimate relationship again... but communication has always been a huge problem for us. The time has come to start taking down the bricks of the wall that was built over the years, but I don't even know where to begin, communication wise. He does not like to talk about deep things, and whenever I have something important to tell him, only wants me to cut to the chase and 'spit it out', whereas I am one who tends to want to provide context in a conversation, which he has no patience for.

 

Also, he had always been one to want to initiate things, seemingly not wanting me to, but had stopped, about 3 yrs ago. We sort of developed two different private lives... he retreats to his own laptop in the den. I don't blame him for it. For me the last few years have been spent re-establishing my career with the children high school and college age, so I could contribute to the finances and try to make things easier on him, and it has worked out this way.

 

What would a husband want to hear, if things had gone cold but they both stayed anyway through thick and thin, are still together, and they are both determined to stick it out to the end. I think my husband would feel similarly to what I've read about others here, in wanting the intimacy back. But on the other hand, maybe it is too late. What can I do. He just turned 50.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Mr. Lucky]

but communication has always been a huge problem for us. The time has come to start taking down the bricks of the wall that was built over the years, but I don't even know where to begin, communication wise. He does not like to talk about deep things, and whenever I have something important to tell him, only wants me to cut to the chase and 'spit it out', whereas I am one who tends to want to provide context in a conversation, which he has no patience for.

Well it's almost an automatic suggestion, but MC provides the environment you need. And I would warn you that, given the history you provide of EA, depression, rejection, etc., you'll need to be prepared to hear some difficult things. Given the disconnect you describe, probably your only hope unless you want to live out your days in separate rooms.

 

I applaud your courage in dealing with your issues and wanting to improve your marriage. Hopefully deep down inside, your H feels the same way. Keep us posted ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mem11363]

This is the simple approach. But - there are many reasons why it is likely best.

 

You walk up to him and simply say - I love you - and I want to resume the physical/sexual part of our marriage. So my hope is, that sometime in the next week, you will come to me and take me to bed. I promise I will make you happy that you did.

 

Give him a moment to respond - if he wants. And if he doesn't - just smile and walk away.

 

Thats it. Very simple, very direct and clear. See what happens. If you can restart things in the bedroom, springtime will come to the rest of your marriage.

 

And if you try to restart the intimacy with talk - and not action - he is likely going to think you are focused on YOUR needs - which at this point is not likely to fly.

 

 

I am here seeking advice, but am starting with a quote from another thread as it is so key in my own situation:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=2382724

 

 

I've been married to my husband for 22 yrs and the combination of a recent EA on my end, which I had made a deliberate choice to nip in the bud about one month into it, and reading the heart felt postings here, have woken me up to really seeing my part in where things have gone wrong in our M.

 

I am feeling a lot of remorse. Things have really 180'd in my mind to where I am now focused on my own role and responsibilities in the M in how things went down hill (emotionally and physically) and am also only focused on my H's positives now. So the quote above pretty much sums up where I am, having reached those two points. My heart is turned back towards him.

 

Depression has been a part of it, which also had to do with past traumas in my earlier life, which over the past ten years have been worked through in a big way on my end, so I don't feel they are in the way anymore. Unfortunately for him, working through these traumas sapped energy away from what should have been for him, for us.

 

For the past days I've been trying to figure out how to turn things around, towards building an intimate relationship again... but communication has always been a huge problem for us. The time has come to start taking down the bricks of the wall that was built over the years, but I don't even know where to begin, communication wise. He does not like to talk about deep things, and whenever I have something important to tell him, only wants me to cut to the chase and 'spit it out', whereas I am one who tends to want to provide context in a conversation, which he has no patience for.

 

Also, he had always been one to want to initiate things, seemingly not wanting me to, but had stopped, about 3 yrs ago. We sort of developed two different private lives... he retreats to his own laptop in the den. I don't blame him for it. For me the last few years have been spent re-establishing my career with the children high school and college age, so I could contribute to the finances and try to make things easier on him, and it has worked out this way.

 

What would a husband want to hear, if things had gone cold but they both stayed anyway through thick and thin, are still together, and they are both determined to stick it out to the end. I think my husband would feel similarly to what I've read about others here, in wanting the intimacy back. But on the other hand, maybe it is too late. What can I do. He just turned 50.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[mareile]

This is the simple approach. But - there are many reasons why it is likely best.

 

I think this is the way to go with him. And it is possible that it may be all that is needed. I am the one that needs to approach, because I may have been perceived by him as having rejected him. I never realized this before I started reading here.

 

 

And if you try to restart the intimacy with talk - and not action - he is likely going to think you are focused on YOUR needs - which at this point is not likely to fly.

 

So right.

 

Thanks.

[mareile]

 

I applaud your courage in dealing with your issues and wanting to improve your marriage. Hopefully deep down inside, your H feels the same way. Keep us posted ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks. Will do.

 

If he comes home stressed out from work during the week, is waiting for weekend better?

[giotto]

mmm... as somebody who has also "retreated", I have to tell you that it might be too late. You see, years of rejection only make a man build some sort of defence mechanism and a barrier, in order not to get hurt anymore. I think you will need to find out where he is at, what he is feeling, if he still has feelings towards you. If he wants to stay or if he is planning to go at some point. And even if he has feelings for you, he will be afraid to express them, to let go, in case he gets hurt again. So, a lot of explorative work is needed, IMHO.

[mareile]

mmm... as somebody who has also "retreated", I have to tell you that it might be too late. You see, years of rejection only make a man build some sort of defence mechanism and a barrier, in order not to get hurt anymore. I think you will need to find out where he is at, what he is feeling, if he still has feelings towards you. If he wants to stay or if he is planning to go at some point. And even if he has feelings for you, he will be afraid to express them, to let go, in case he gets hurt again. So, a lot of explorative work is needed, IMHO.

 

Okay.

 

.......

[mem11363]

Yes - he will be reserved emotionally for a little while. But if you focus on you - and you are loving and kind to him you have a good shot at pulling this off. Yes you will feel hurt if it fails. You will. And that will be sad if it happens. But you know what, you will feel INCREDIBLE if it succeeds.

 

And if he will be physically intimate with you, then after a while you can start talking to him about what you want the TWO of you to do to make your marriage stronger and stronger over time.

 

Get him to take you to bed at least once a week - maybe twice a week - for a month. And then start talking to him about how you feel and how much you want to strengthen your marriage. A month of healing can go a long way.....

 

Okay.

 

.......

[The Midnight Rider]

this is the simple approach. But - there are many reasons why it is likely best.

 

You walk up to him and simply say - i love you - and i want to resume the physical/sexual part of our marriage. So my hope is, that sometime in the next week, you will come to me and take me to bed. I promise i will make you happy that you did.

 

Give him a moment to respond - if he wants. And if he doesn't - just smile and walk away.

 

Thats it. Very simple, very direct and clear. See what happens. If you can restart things in the bedroom, springtime will come to the rest of your marriage.

 

And if you try to restart the intimacy with talk - and not action - he is likely going to think you are focused on your needs - which at this point is not likely to fly.

 

 

yes! This! Do this!

[boldjack]

Does he know about the EA?

[mareile]

Does he know about the EA?

 

No. Old bf contacted me through classmates, asked if I were still married. We met once at a Starbucks for coffee, caught up on our lives, his divorce, emailed. I was having a lot of conflict with what I was feeling towards him, and decided that I had to end it. NC does work on cooling down the emotions involved. All told it was about a month and did not evolve into a PA.

 

I have taken the experience (first one for me in M) as a wake up call and shifted the emotional energy involved away from the old bf and towards my husband, wanting to work on our M. I know my husband has had (at least one) involvement as well. At the time I was too overwhelmed to even want to bring it up to him, especially with kids being quite a bit younger at the time.

 

Also, as far as telling him about the EA, let me just say that he owns a gun and knowing him, telling him this is something that could evolve into a potentially explosive situation. I know he would at least threaten the other guy, at a minimum.

[boldjack]

OP, what does a gun have to do with anything? I own several, but usually don't feel the need to shoot anybody. Sounds a little dramatic, to me. 99.99999999999999 percent of people who have firearms aren't homicidal maniacs. If you think your H is apt to do anything , you should be more worried about other things. IMO.

[mareile]

If you think your H is apt to do anything , you should be more worried about other things. IMO.

 

I get it. But I'm also thinking about whether telling him will do more harm than good to him.

 

I never meant to imply my H (or anyone who owned guns) was a homicidal maniac. But when you've heard someone threaten to use it during a fit of anger on various occasions, even if experience has shown that they probably won't, you can't ignore these threats, this potential.

[mem11363]

M,

You are cool. The EA didn't go physical. I totally agree on keeping it quiet. Love your husband and let nature take its course. There will be nothing good from telling him about an EA. Nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

I get it. But I'm also thinking about whether telling him will do more harm than good to him.

 

I never meant to imply my H (or anyone who owned guns) was a homicidal maniac. But when you've heard someone threaten to use it during a fit of anger on various occasions, even if experience has shown that they probably won't, you can't ignore these threats, this potential.