Wife's emotional affair

[seibert253]

As Guitar Jeff said, some will waffle, cake eate, until BAMM, you smack them in the head.

 

Mine denied, denied, then denied somemore. Then after confronted tried to minimize. For God sake, she was caught in the backseat of the OM's car by one of my brothers in blue. "we were just talking". In the backseat, do you think I'm that fu#king stupid.

 

A hard 180, ultimatum, then filing D papers was the smack upside the head that brought her back down to earth.

 

Sounds like this will be the only thing to work in this case.

 

Fairly simple. She goes NC, and commits 100 percent to fixing this. Anything else is viewed as choosing the OM. Anything else is unacceptable. File, have her served, and start D proceedings.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Not overboard at all. On these infidelity boards it's called hitting them across the head with a 2x4. When people do it it's to help them, not hurt them. The imagery was perfect.

 

My apologies! I didn't understand that it was your technique.

 

I can see that being effective with alot of guys. We tend to be visual folk.

[timbo1]

All good advice you've given me. Thanks again.

 

We'll see how things go tomorrow. I'm a bit apprehensive but like you've all told me, I don't really have any other options if I want things to progress.

 

See you on the other side!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

All good advice you've given me. Thanks again.

 

We'll see how things go tomorrow. I'm a bit apprehensive but like you've all told me, I don't really have any other options if I want things to progress.

 

See you on the other side!

 

Good luck. Be understanding, however be firm that you want her back home, NC and want to begin the rest of your life.

 

BTW Happy Birthday....

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Unless the spouse is remorseful and wants to recommit to marriage a NC letter has no value.

 

The cheater will simply contact their affair partner after and tell them that they did it to appease their spouse.

 

If your wife is not into recovery completely, and demonstrate this with action.....forget the NC letter.

 

You need to adhere to the advise of showing strength and not being a doormat or 2nd choice. Otherwise, she feels that you will take her back even if she continues her affair.....but you won't .....RIGHT!

 

She needs to feel this. Threatening divorce will not do anything IMHO. She does not believe that you will especially due to your past behavior.

 

Have the discussion. Make your points emphatically. If you do not see a HUGE desire to recover immediately....file asap.

 

You have a greater chance of keeping your wife if you file and knock her off the fence.

 

If she does NOT get knocked off the fence, well you have your answer. That would mean that your wife is NOT willing to give up an affair to save your marriage.....something you don't want.

[timbo1]

Needed to let you all know what happened this morning when I talked to my wife about our situation. I'm currently even more confused than before and need to hear whether you think this is normal or if I'm in more trouble than I'd imagined.

 

I told my wife this morning that we needed to talk. I made all the points I had planned to like how I wasn't prepared to carry on being treated the way I was, and that she needed to either commit to our marriage and go NC with the OM or I'd get a divorse. I thought I held it together well!

 

My wife then took the wind out of my sails a little. She told me that she'd met with the OM on Thursday and told him that they couldn't keep contacting eachother and she was going to try and save our marriage. No more texts, emails, phone calls or meetings. This was obviously good to hear and was really the first time she'd said that she did want to make our marriage work. (Whether he'll back off or in not is another thing but not much I can do about that at the moment)

 

But... she said again how distant she felt from me and how she wasn't sure that we'd be able to sort things out even if we tried. She feels like she's fallen out of love with me and can't just pretend that she feels otherwise. SHe thought that we'd just end up in our old habits and seperate lives and didn't think I'd really be able to make her as happy as she felt with the OM.

 

It was a real kick in the teeth to hear that - even though sh'ed said most of it before . I think I expected her to bit a bit more enthusiastic about working things out between us. Instead it basically felt like she was saying that she didn't think we'd end up being happy in our marriage but giving it a go was the "right" thing to do.

 

Am I expecting too much? Should I be grateful that we've finally taken that first step? It just feels like she's going through the motions.

[2sunny]

her actions (or lack of action) will be your greatest indicator. do not believe her words... just follow what her actions show you.

 

she will either:

 

put her energy and time into you and your marriage or...

 

she'll put her time and energy into the other guy

 

what she does will tell you everything you need to know... her words are empty - work off of her actions only.

[hopesndreams]

She's stalling for time. Time for her to find out if her and her new fella are going places. Maybe he's married? She will be hiding her A more than ever now. She's not ready to end things with you at this point but soon, maybe next month or a few months, but soon, it's all being planned.

 

Take the control away from her. You got the ILYBNILWY. Be tough, stick to your guns. Give her a real taste of life without you. She's in dreamland, time for her to wake up.

[2sunny]

yep, sit back and allow her to understand that if she wants a life with you - SHE needs to earn it... needs to make the effort to repair.

 

do not make it easy for her - let her come to you - let her make all the effort. become aloof and inactive to see clearly if she's actually the one making changes... effort and energy for the marriage to work.

 

if there is no effort and no changes - she isn't interested - it's just empty words.

[Boundary Problem]

Am I expecting too much? Should I be grateful that we've finally taken that first step? It just feels like she's going through the motions.

 

 

I just caught upon your word 'grateful'. It is a word I have used myself when I wanted something so badly and my former SO sort of deigned to give it to me and more often than not denied what I wanted. There is a power imbalance here. She seems to have all the emotional cards.

 

What are you going to do to regain your power?

 

The 180 won't work, if you are just doing it to get her back. You have to do the 180 because she isn't worth YOUR time if she doesn't get her sh-t together.

[imagine]

What proof is there that she has lost contact. If she feels like reopening the relationship it takes a phone call.

 

You need to see a NC letter which you will vet, to ensure proper disposal of OM. It needs to say that she has undermined her marriage and offended her husband. He is not to contact her in any way and all contacts will be reported to you.

 

You need to continue snooping. It is quite normal for a WS to go into withdrawal. Meeting her needs will have effect in approx two weeks time. Be suspicious if sullen turns chipper, possibly she has made contact again.

 

Look up the term lovebusters on the Marriage Builder articles. Be most careful NOT to use them. Learn to meet her EN's. Ask her what her needs are or guess them.

 

Good luck. This is all about becoming a good husband!

[hopesndreams]

Good people get cheated on. You could meet, surpass even, every emotional need she has til the cows come home but it will not stop her from doing what she wants to do. She has been acting on purely selfish desires and did not take your feelings into consideration and did not respect you or the M.

[Space Ritual]

Needed to let you all know what happened this morning when I talked to my wife about our situation. I'm currently even more confused than before and need to hear whether you think this is normal or if I'm in more trouble than I'd imagined.

 

I told my wife this morning that we needed to talk. I made all the points I had planned to like how I wasn't prepared to carry on being treated the way I was, and that she needed to either commit to our marriage and go NC with the OM or I'd get a divorse. I thought I held it together well!

 

My wife then took the wind out of my sails a little. She told me that she'd met with the OM on Thursday and told him that they couldn't keep contacting eachother and she was going to try and save our marriage. No more texts, emails, phone calls or meetings. This was obviously good to hear and was really the first time she'd said that she did want to make our marriage work. (Whether he'll back off or in not is another thing but not much I can do about that at the moment)

 

But... she said again how distant she felt from me and how she wasn't sure that we'd be able to sort things out even if we tried. She feels like she's fallen out of love with me and can't just pretend that she feels otherwise. SHe thought that we'd just end up in our old habits and seperate lives and didn't think I'd really be able to make her as happy as she felt with the OM.

 

It was a real kick in the teeth to hear that - even though sh'ed said most of it before . I think I expected her to bit a bit more enthusiastic about working things out between us. Instead it basically felt like she was saying that she didn't think we'd end up being happy in our marriage but giving it a go was the "right" thing to do.

 

Am I expecting too much? Should I be grateful that we've finally taken that first step? It just feels like she's going through the motions.

 

You are not going to like what I have to say, but its the truth. and the truth hurts.

She continues to make you twist in the wind. As I stated to you before, she will continue to do this to you as long as you allow her to. she has no intention of attempting a true reconciliation. Her evasive and unenthusiastic responses should be your final sign that its done between you two.

 

There is no going back now. she is already letting you know that her half hearted attempt at NC with the OM is just that...she will go back to him again and again.

 

It's beyond over...the only way you are going to even come close to getting her to see any consequence is to file for divorce. She knows she can do this and you will put up with it every time.

 

File as soon as possible and take control of your life.

 

 

Youv'e done all you can, and there is nothing more you can do

[Dexter Morgan]

 

Am I expecting too much? Should I be grateful that we've finally taken that first step?

 

no...SHE should be grateful...but it doesn't sound like she is. Here you are wanting to work on a marriage with a cheating woman....and she doesn't think it will do any good. Looks like SHE will expect YOU to bend over backwards to prove YOU are worthy of her, when its the other way around.

 

I think she has the idea that she has you wrapped around her finger and can call the shots. here she has YOU wanting to work on the marriage and she is telling you it might not happen. Therefore, it will have to be YOU that breaks your back to fix things.

 

It just feels like she's going through the motions.

 

Yes, I believe so. I think she only wants the marriage for the family's sake and not for you. I think she wants the other man and will only grieve the loss of him and make virtually no effort into making it right with you. She will expect you to cowtow to her.

[timbo1]

This is all very difficult for me and I'm struggling to understand quite what is going on.

 

Here's a quick update of where we're up to - it's a little disorganised but so is my brain at the moment.

 

Wife initiated NC with OM on thursday. She sent him a couple of text messages when we were out in town on friday night which she confessed to me. She said she just wanted to make sure we didn't end up going to the same bars as he did (also the story she told her mum - "that's the last time" is what she said to her mum). I don't think they've had contact since.

 

We spent most of the weekend together. Just spent time together really - tried to avoid too much relationship talk. She's very distant at the moment - no hugs or kisses but is sleeping in same bed as me (opposite sides though!)

She's been what I think is quite honest with me about this situation. She doesn't feel "that way" about me at the moment and doesn't want to pretend she does. In some ways I'd rather she were honest with me like this rather than just going along with being intimate to appease me. It is hard for me to take though, firstly because i's a pretty big reminder that she doesn't love me at the moment and also because a couple of weeks ago (still post d-day) things were better on this front.

 

I brought up MC again tonight. She said "yeah it'll probably help, just let me know when and where". I said that an alternative to MC would be getting some books and trying some things ourselves. She seemed pretty annoyed at the insinuation that things could be fixed between us just by reading a book. "I just need to fall in love with you again" which I know is a variant of ILYBINILWY. We settled on trying MC.

 

My take on things (biased no doubt) is that she's still deep in the fog as well as going through a bit of withdrawal from the OM. Plus there's definately plenty of guild and remorse there too. I still don't think she knows for sure whether she's done the right thing in trying to fix our marriage (ie whether it'lldefo work in the long term) but think she's sticking with the NC for now to see how things go with us.

 

I'd obviously like her to be grovelling at my feet repenting for her sins but I don't think that's going to happen so I just have to accept the current situation. I can tell she really is confused and upset about the whole situation. At least she didn't just say "well I don't love you any more so I'm off". I know that she definately had the offer to move in with the OM (although he didn't actually end things with the girlfriend, she doesn't live with him)

 

I think personally it's still early days in terms of expecting any progress. She still needs longer to get the OM out of her system. Hopefully with NC this will happen soon.

 

Just wondered what your opinions are on how to play things at the moment. I think there are going to be two broad schools of thought (apart from the get out and get a lawyer now group)

 

1. Work on me, make me a better more attractive person. Let her realise that in her own time without me chasing her. Play things cool if not a little cold.

 

2. Start doing the 180. Give her the attention she wasn't getting from me before and that the OM gave her. I've seen some of the messages he's sent her - lots of "you're the air I breath" kind of stuff. I know that i need to make more of an effort to express my emotions in the future if we're going to make a long term go of things but don't know whether this should start now. Would it just be interpretted as desperation and clinging (not very attractive if I'm trying to get her to fall back in love with me).

 

Thanks again for all your input. It's really helping me as I pick my way through this emotional minefield. I'm very grateful.

[2sunny]

i'm amazed at your willingness with her.

 

in fact, your willingness is probably your biggest deficit right now. she knows she's got you whether she behaves or not... what reason does she really have to play this game your way. i simply don't think her heart is in it... and it never works out unless she simply is begging for things to be better.

 

she's not = big concerns.

 

so sorry to point that out. she still holds the power because her actions and words don't sound like she wants it as much as you do. you are in a terrible position right now.

[JohnP82]

1. Work on me, make me a better more attractive person. Let her realise that in her own time without me chasing her. Play things cool if not a little cold.

 

 

Do this for yourself and make it clear that if she doesn't get out of "the fog" real quick, you're done! She should be kissing your ass right now.

[timbo1]

she still holds the power because her actions and words don't sound like she wants it as much as you do. you are in a terrible position right now.

 

I think you're right. At the moment I still am desperate for our marriage to work out although I now do accept that this is largely out of my hands and I won't accept things at any cost.

 

Having said that, I don't feel like I'm ready to give up on her yet. When I've asked my wife what she wants to happen (no matter how unlikely it seems right now) she says that she wants things to work out between us and us to be together, both as happy as we deserve to be.

 

Now I'm not even sure if that is going to happen and I'm not the one who's convinced that I'm "in love" with someone else. I think I can excuse her for being unsure of the outcome of all this as she is still in the fog. Given that's the case, is it really such a huge thing that she's behaving the way she is? That's not meant to be a flippant question - I really don't know!

[2sunny]

I think you're right. At the moment I still am desperate for our marriage to work out although I now do accept that this is largely out of my hands and I won't accept things at any cost.

 

Having said that, I don't feel like I'm ready to give up on her yet. When I've asked my wife what she wants to happen (no matter how unlikely it seems right now) she says that she wants things to work out between us and us to be together, both as happy as we deserve to be.

 

Now I'm not even sure if that is going to happen and I'm not the one who's convinced that I'm "in love" with someone else. I think I can excuse her for being unsure of the outcome of all this as she is still in the fog. Given that's the case, is it really such a huge thing that she's behaving the way she is? That's not meant to be a flippant question - I really don't know!

 

all of this adds up to you looking like a doormat to her. it's your inability to take control and set a boundary that's unattractive to her (from a woman's perspective that is viewed as weak).

 

just tell her to get out. that you're not willing to wait around for her to be motivated enough to find love with you. you've waited and she still seems wishy washy and that's not enough for you.

 

tell her she can figure out how to get out of this mess since she's the one who created it.

 

that's what i would expect any man to do. you're being waaaay too nice to her. she just simply doesn't care because she knows you'll wait forever for her to treat you decently... are you willing to wait that long? forever is a hella long time.

[65tr6]

Given that's the case, is it really such a huge thing that she's behaving the way she is?

 

Nope. The best, I repeat, the best she can do is maintain no contact with OM. Don't worry about your relationship with her.

 

She broke the NC already. Did you tell her how much that hurt you ?

 

Get books and read them yourself. If she wants to participate, fine. Otherwise be prepared to go alone. The books, IC are for your growth. Continue to talk to her and meet her needs. You are moving forward no matter what comes out the marriage.

 

MC has no meaning if she is not out of the fog, she probably detests that very idea anyway.

 

She will not grovel at your feet asking for forgiveness...yet....Not unless remorse settles in her.

 

This is a long and very painful journey, are you in it or no ? If not, just forget it and kick her out.

 

If you are, You tell her to respect your wishes and not contact OM. And ofcourse verify when you can. You will count days first, then weeks, and then months. It will take months for her to come out of the fog provided there is no contact.

[timbo1]

it's your inability to take control and set a boundary that's unattractive to her (from a woman's perspective that is viewed as weak).

 

just tell her to get out.

 

Again, I'm not trying to be flippant but do you honestly think that after waiting 6 weeks for her to decide whther or not to commit to trying to fix our marriage and initiating NC with the OM, now that she has, this is the time to throw her out?

 

I really don't see how that's progress.

 

I accept that I was weak in the beginning and maybe should have given an ultimatum on or soon after d-day. But I only started posting on here a month after d-day and so I have to accept that was "wasted time"! But I've still got to that point - just slower than I could have done. NC is in place and the reason she's done that is to give it a go at making our marriage work.

[timbo1]

Nope. The best, I repeat, the best she can do is maintain no contact with OM. Don't worry about your relationship with her.

 

She broke the NC already. Did you tell her how much that hurt you ?

 

Get books and read them yourself. If she wants to participate, fine. Otherwise be prepared to go alone. The books, IC are for your growth. Continue to talk to her and meet her needs. You are moving forward no matter what comes out the marriage.

 

MC has no meaning if she is not out of the fog, she probably detests that very idea anyway.

 

She will not grovel at your feet asking for forgiveness...yet....Not unless remorse settles in her.

 

This is a long and very painful journey, are you in it or no ? If not, just forget it and kick her out.

 

If you are, You tell her to respect your wishes and not contact OM. And ofcourse verify when you can. You will count days first, then weeks, and then months. It will take months for her to come out of the fog provided there is no contact.

 

Thanks 65, I think that's what I was hoping to hear. I'm in. Is this a similar path to the one you went down? DIdn't your wife work through some marriage books together with you? I think my wife is trying to give things a go but is still just confused. Do you really think that MC is a waste of time at this point?

 

I think that if we get to the point where she comes out of the fog and rediscovers that she loves me and forgets about this "perfect love" with the OM then we'll have cleared a lot of the hurdles. Do you think MC wouldn't be any help getting over those hurdles?

 

And at the moment I'm counting minutes and hours rather than days then weeks!!

[2sunny]

Again, I'm not trying to be flippant but do you honestly think that after waiting 6 weeks for her to decide whther or not to commit to trying to fix our marriage and initiating NC with the OM, now that she has, this is the time to throw her out?

 

I really don't see how that's progress.

 

I accept that I was weak in the beginning and maybe should have given an ultimatum on or soon after d-day. But I only started posting on here a month after d-day and so I have to accept that was "wasted time"! But I've still got to that point - just slower than I could have done. NC is in place and the reason she's done that is to give it a go at making our marriage work.

 

if it is to even try to get started with movement in the right direction she needs to be actively involved in the recovery. she doesn't act like it because:

 

while i can appreciate her wanting to implement NC, she was only considering the OM when YOU TWO were going out the other night - then she texts him - 3 times? come on!!! THAT'S NOT NC! where's her head? oh ya, it's with him! see why this is backwards? she's only thinking of him. and that gives her good reason to text. and NO consequence? why not?

 

nice night out - you intend to have fun with her and she texts him. why aren't you flaming mad? i'm mad and i'm not even you. she seems like a self entitled woman. grrrr good luck with that.

[seibert253]

if it is to even try to get started with movement in the right direction she needs to be actively involved in the recovery. she doesn't act like it because:

 

while i can appreciate her wanting to implement NC, she was only considering the OM when YOU TWO were going out the other night - then she texts him - 3 times? come on!!! THAT'S NOT NC! where's her head? oh ya, it's with him! see why this is backwards? she's only thinking of him. and that gives her good reason to text. and NO consequence? why not?

 

nice night out - you intend to have fun with her and she texts him. why aren't you flaming mad? i'm mad and i'm not even you. she seems like a self entitled woman. grrrr good luck with that.

 

Couldn't understand that one either. Pizzed, me too and I wasn't even there.

 

The definition of no contact is simple; NO CONTACT, None. If she has any contact at all, whatsover, then there is No no contact. Can't understand why you don't see this.

 

How can you honestly say she's working on things when the two of you are out, she texts the OM? That is like spitting in your face, then laughing at it.

 

Do you what you will, all I can say is if she did that to me, she'd be LONG GONE.

 

Peace, best of luck to you.

[Untouchable_Fire]

1. Work on me, make me a better more attractive person. Let her realise that in her own time without me chasing her. Play things cool if not a little cold.

 

Congrats on getting her to agree to NC. She may have already been leaning in that direction but you definitely showed her some backbone!

 

Yes, you need to work on yourself. Be as attractive a man as you can be. Gym time!

 

2. Start doing the 180. Give her the attention she wasn't getting from me before and that the OM gave her. I've seen some of the messages he's sent her - lots of "you're the air I breath" kind of stuff. I know that i need to make more of an effort to express my emotions in the future if we're going to make a long term go of things but don't know whether this should start now. Would it just be interpretted as desperation and clinging (not very attractive if I'm trying to get her to fall back in love with me).

Thanks again for all your input. It's really helping me as I pick my way through this emotional minefield. I'm very grateful.

 

This one is very tough.

 

Personally, I would start by trying to break the physical barriers. You need to get to a point where you can touch her... make her feel sexy.

 

You need to tell her very frankly that she has not given you permission to work on the marriage yet. Once she is committed and involved, then it's going to be your job to PROVE that things won't go back to the way they were. She needs to know that your planning to live up to your words.

 

My suggestion is to just do little things for her to show you care. Just very small things that require thought. Then don't mention them at all, let her see them or find them.