timbo1 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Hi everyone. This is my first post on here although I’ve read a lot of other threads and gleaned a huge amount of useful information and advice from them. I’ve now got to the point where I need to share my problem and ask for some advice myself. I apologise in advance for the rather long post. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My wife of 2 years (together 9 in total) has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker for around 6 months. I discovered this for definite about 5 weeks ago when I caught my wife out about where she was one evening. The next couple of days we had some big talks about everything and talked through a lot of the problems in our relationship (both busy jobs, don’t spend enough quality time together, I don’t really express my feelings for her enough). She said she didn’t really know what she wanted – whether to try and work things out or to walk away from our marriage. I said I was willing to work at things but she had to want to try too – there was no point me trying by myself.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The guy she’s involved with I know from University and is well known for being a charmer with the ladies but also well known for his infidelity (he is currently with a girlfriend who knows nothing about this affair). My wife says he makes her feel special and attractive and confident. She swears that nothing physical has happened although at times I find this hard to believe. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Unfortunately, things hadn’t really moved on very much in the last 4 weeks. She has spent the last 2 weeks at her mum’s house (only a few miles away) as she said she needs to clear her head and wants to miss me a bit. We’ve made an effort to spend some time together and have gone for a few meals out and gone to the theatre etc. When we’ve done these things we’ve had a good time and has generally ended with her coming back to our house for the night. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]But she still kept saying that she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to have a go at saving our marriage. I would say things like “the only way we’ll find out whether we can make eachother happy is to give things a real go for a few months, and then see how we feel” and she’d accept that this was the right thing to do but wasn’t able or willing to stop contact with this other guy. There are still daily SMS and I know for sure they met for dinner a couple of weeks ago. All through I said I would wait for as long as I could for her to make a decision but that I couldn’t hold on forever as the not knowing was too painful. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Yesterday felt like a bit of a breakthrough as she said that she was going to try and give things a go and see how we get on. It doesn’t really feel as if her heart’s in it though. She said things like “I can’t promise that things will be okay” and she has also said she wants to stay at her mum’s house for another few weeks. She didn’t actually say that she’s firmly put an end to things with the other guy and I didn’t ask. She has also gone rather distant and has said that she doesn’t want to just pretend things are okay again. She said she doesn’t think we should sleep together at the moment as she’s still very confused about what she wants. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]This has all left me feeling pretty rotten as you’d expect. The main problem is I’m so confused. I get real mixed messages about how she’s feeling – one minute she’s talking about plans for Christmas together, the next minute she doesn’t want me holding her hand. I wonder whether she really has tried to break things off with this other man or whether she’s just telling me that. I don’t know if I’m being a pushover or just need to get on with things. In my wife’s defence, she does look like she’s about to have a breakdown and I don’t think she’s stringing me along vindictively. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Any advice or comments would be most welcome – I feel pretty low on sanity right now. [/sIZE][/FONT]
Scrivdog Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'd bet good money that she has been and she still is banging the other guy. Nobody has six month long emotional affairs. Right now, you're the backup dude if things don't work out with the new guy. I say, tell her you'd like her to stay for good at her mother's house. Change the locks, get a lawyer, and let the fun begin. Right now you're being had, brother.
hopesndreams Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Right now she is playing games with you and those games aren't going to end any time soon because you are playing right along with her. She has her sights on another man but because he has a gf, she's playing the waiting game for him. You, well, you are on the back burner if things don't work out with her new fella. Your best bet in all this is to tell the gf. Expose the affair. As soon as the affair comes out of the dark and into the light, the sooner your suffering will end. You will then have the knowledge about what has really been going on and what you need to do about it. Don't fall for it's just an emotional affair. She has left you. She is at her mums. She is not with you. Gives her plenty of time to be with the OM, and they aren't just chit chatting.
Fallen Angel Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I think she is trying to be as honest as she can about where she is emotionally. That is only what is fair to both of you. As to you being told that people do not have six month long EAs with NO PA, that is simply NOT TRUE!!! I was involved in a strictly emotional affair for WELL OVER A YEAR before it became physical. So it is very possible that there has been NO physical affair at all. Perhaps the two of you should get into MC and IC as well. Take the time she needs so that when you enter back into the marriage as it should be you both know that it is because it is something you both want and you both think it is worth fighting for. I think if you rush things that you may lose her. In my opinion, women get into Emotional Affairs because they feel they are lacking real affection at home. That is not to put the blame on you in any way. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is generally a lack of self esteem on the womans part, that leads her to look for ego boosting outside of the marriage. If you love her like you seem to, then make sure you not only tell her, but show her regularly. Women who are this vulnerable need constant reassurance. If you are feeling tht you love her, tell her. If you think she looks beautiful, say so. The heart of a women is not rocket science. We want to feel beautiful. We want to feel valued. We want to feel needed. We want to feel loved. Talk to her and find out what she needs specifically, and be honest with her about what you need. If she is being so honest with you, as she seems to be now, I think your marriage stands a very good chance of making a true recovery. Good Luck, and Good Love!
65tr6 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Perhaps the two of you should get into MC and IC as well. Until the affair ends there is no point in being in MC unless ofcourse you see a C very experienced in infidelity. Even then, the affair has to end first. Call his girlfriend, your wife's parents, your parents, expose the affair. Your wife has left the marriage long time ago (wait, you have been married only for two years so couldnt have been that long....sorry i know it is a bad joke) More than likely she has in PA. Are they both working at the same university ? OP, you need to stand up for yourself. Ever heard the phrase Love must be tough ? Now is the time to implement it.
lkjh Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 She is playing you and you are letting it happen. Stop chasing her and expose the affair to everyone including the OM gf. If you demand respect she will respond, otherwise nothing will change
lkjh Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I agree that this affair has probably gone physical
schewter Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 They can't believe that some involvements just don't go physical for whatever reason. Despite the fact that EAs can be just as damaging as PAs there are still a lot of people who view both as very distinct lines to cross, the PA being the worst of the two. This gentleman knows HIS wife better than any and everybody on here so until HE says different it is an EA.
tami-chan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'd bet good money that she has been and she still is banging the other guy. Nobody has six month long emotional affairs. Well I don't know about "nobody"...I had a 2-year emotional affair with my xOM/MM before it became a PA. So it IS possible. OP, your wife is clearly confused. What are you willing to do? Are you willing to wait until she is clear on what she wants? How long? If you are, then you have to give her the time, space and opportunity to weigh options available to her. Set her free. But I wouldn't assure her that I would still be "there" waiting for her when she decides what she wants. OR, you can talk to the OM, or their boss or the GF or all three. How much exposure are you willing to do? Bear in mind, that exposing your wife to these people MIGHT just make her resent you. Calculate the risks. What are you willing to lose?
Author timbo1 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Thanks for all the replies. I've beaten myself up lots about whether this is an EA or PA. I have asked her straight and she's told me it's not physical but I'm also well aware that I've been lied to a fair bit already. I'm telling myself at the moment that all I can do is try and believe her rather than keep stressing about it. In terms of what I'm willing to do... I can honestly see us working things out in the long term and I'm willing to try to do that. But I'm aware that I can't do things by myself and the first step has to be my wife wanting to try too. I think that she's got so deep into this EA that it's hard for her to see her and I sorting things out. It seems like a real risk to her right now to commit to our marriage. She doesn't know if she could ever be as happy with me as she is right now the the OM. I know that I need to try and give her space to sort things out in her own mind but I'm also aware that the longer this period of "limbo" goes on, the more devalued our relationship is becoming. My fear is she is hoping that with time this decision will become an easy one; wheras I think that at some point she is going to have to take what she sees as a risk - either on our marriage or with the affair. I don't know how long to try and back off for or whether I should try and get her to move back in. I don't know whether while she's staying with her parents I should try and rebuild a bit of love in our relationship - go out on dates etc. It's also hard to see us making any progress if she continues to have any contact with the OM. Her friend told me that every time my wife tries to tell him it's over, he sweet talks her round. I have been temped to confront him or his girlfriend but am worried that would just drive him and my wife closer together.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 This has all left me feeling pretty rotten as you’d expect. The main problem is I’m so confused. I get real mixed messages about how she’s feeling – one minute she’s talking about plans for Christmas together, the next minute she doesn’t want me holding her hand. I wonder whether she really has tried to break things off with this other man or whether she’s just telling me that. I don’t know if I’m being a pushover or just need to get on with things. In my wife’s defence, she does look like she’s about to have a breakdown and I don’t think she’s stringing me along vindictively. Any advice or comments would be most welcome – I feel pretty low on sanity right now. Timbo... You feel like absolute crap, because your letting her treat you like crap! Stop it. Your letting her emotionally ride the fence and string you along. It's time you just got a definite answer from her so you can know whether you want to move on or give this a shot. Man up! Tell her to stop all contact with this joker and start working on the marriage... or you will stop all contact with her... and mail divorce papers. Women will string you along forever if you let them. If you force her to make a hard choice... then you will see who she really cares about. Chances are it's you, but even if it's him... you just saved yourself years of emotional turmoil.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You need to get this guy outta your marriage! expose and get her to stay gone. Get NC with her and let her choose. him or you. Your not gonna be the one who suffer's fools!
tami-chan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Ok, timbo....Why can't you demand that she come back to the house, cut all communications to/from the OM and start working on your marriage? You can't let the fear of losing her paralyze you. There is something you can do. Sometimes people need to be given ultimatums.
FreezorBurn Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 She is playing you and you are letting it happen. Stop chasing her and expose the affair to everyone including the OM gf. If you demand respect she will respond, otherwise nothing will change Yes, I would get tougher with her. I would Tell her "I will not tollerate this!" The Break contact. SHE SHOULD NOT BE SEEING THE OTHER MAN AT ALL. Untill that stops you can't do anything to save your relationship. Good Luck!, My wife have an EA and we are working threw it so I know your Pain.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I know that I need to try and give her space to sort things out in her own mind but I'm also aware that the longer this period of "limbo" goes on, the more devalued our relationship is becoming. My fear is she is hoping that with time this decision will become an easy one; wheras I think that at some point she is going to have to take what she sees as a risk - either on our marriage or with the affair. I don't know how long to try and back off for or whether I should try and get her to move back in. I don't know whether while she's staying with her parents I should try and rebuild a bit of love in our relationship - go out on dates etc. It's also hard to see us making any progress if she continues to have any contact with the OM. Her friend told me that every time my wife tries to tell him it's over, he sweet talks her round. I have been temped to confront him or his girlfriend but am worried that would just drive him and my wife closer together. If she wants you, then she needs to move back in and start working on the marriage. If you give her "space" your just giving her permission to keep on chasing after this guy. She isn't trying to reconnect with her feelings for you... she is busy going after someone else. Giving her physical "space" is a stupid idea. Instead cut off the physical distance and give her emotional space. In terms of contacting this guy or his GF... I'd wait. Force your wife to make a choice first. If she chooses you, then you may want to contact the guy and his GF... otherwise.... it's not really your business anymore.
tami-chan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Women will string you along forever if you let them. Women only?. I didn't know this is gender specific? I could have sworn many men have done the same....I think there are many stories about that somewhere.....
Dexter Morgan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'd bet good money that she has been and she still is banging the other guy. Nobody has six month long emotional affairs. Right now, you're the backup dude if things don't work out with the new guy. I say, tell her you'd like her to stay for good at her mother's house. Change the locks, get a lawyer, and let the fun begin. Right now you're being had, brother. I completely agree. But scriv, I just gotta wonder.....why don't you tell the women the same thing? I mean, given your own view on your own cheating, and men that cheat on their wives, then surely there had to be SOMETHING that caused his wife to cheat? Just like you blame your wife for your cheating, why couldn't this be the case as well? timbo, dont get me wrong...this isn't my thinking at all. I do agree with what was said. tell her to go stay at her mother's house. I never think anyone did anything to deserve cheating or that it is justified in any way. I just had to wonder about the advice from someone that has justified it before.
Scrivdog Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I completely agree. But scriv, I just gotta wonder.....why don't you tell the women the same thing? I mean, given your own view on your own cheating, and men that cheat on their wives, then surely there had to be SOMETHING that caused his wife to cheat? Just like you blame your wife for your cheating, why couldn't this be the case as well? timbo, dont get me wrong...this isn't my thinking at all. I do agree with what was said. tell her to go stay at her mother's house. I never think anyone did anything to deserve cheating or that it is justified in any way. I just had to wonder about the advice from someone that has justified it before. This is somebody else's thread, so if you're going to post in it - then have the courtesy of staying on the man's problem and not on the hard-on you've got for me, sweets - ok?
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Women only?. I didn't know this is gender specific? I could have sworn many men have done the same....I think there are many stories about that somewhere..... I didn't say anything about men. The guy married a woman, so I don't see how male tendencies matter in this situation. For the record though, men tend to do the same thing, but in a very different way.
tami-chan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 This is somebody else's thread, so if you're going to post in it - then have the courtesy of staying on the man's problem and not on the hard-on you've got for me, sweets - ok? LOL!
Dexter Morgan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 This is somebody else's thread, so if you're going to post in it - then have the courtesy of staying on the man's problem and not on the hard-on you've got for me, sweets - ok? just asking you to not be a hypocrite while giving advice to this man. because your advice changes based on gender. I did agree with what you had to say to him, however. k, pumpkin?
LifesontheUp Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 This is a very hard situation to be in and I feel for you. From what you have written your wife is enjoying whatever relationship she has with the OM whilst keeping you sweet, her back up, her fall back in case it doesn't work out. My xH wanted to do exactly the same........keep seeing his OW whilst living in the house and continue to be married to me. As far as I was concerned, there is no room in a marriage for 3 people and because he wouldn't break the triangle, I packed his bags and told him to go to her.......no more fence sitting at the expense of my health and well being. I deserved better than that. Timbo, you do have choices here. You can put up with her treatment of you, her seeing an OM whilst still married to you or you can knock her off her fence. The choice is yours. Just remember you deserve better than to wait around whilst your wife decides what she wants to do. Come on now, don't you count at all????????
Author timbo1 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Thanks again for the replies. It all seems so simple when it's written here - just wish I could make it so straight forward in my head! I know everyone who goes through this must think "My situation's different, my wife isn't like everyone else" and I'm the same I guess. I honestly believe that my wife's head is in a real mess right now and the excitement and fantasy of the EA isn't helping at all. I think that if we got through this she'd look back and cringe about what has happened. I know that she's not a bad person and I really think she had her head turned by a certain kind of man at a time when things in our marriage were at a bit of a low point and our jobs had meant that we hadn't spent enough time with each other. Part of me knows that it's not fair of her to drag things on like this and it does seem like she's keeping all her options open but another part of me is worried about pushing her into a decision while she's not thinking straight. She says things every so often like "thanks for giving me the chance to make the right decision". My wife's friend has told me that she has tried to end things with the OM but he talks her round each time - he currently is risking nothing and getting all the benefits of the attention of a beautiful married woman. He's got no reason to give it up. Maybe an ultimatum would be the way to go though; like someone said, all it's really doing is expediting the decision. Obviously I'm just worried that she'd make the "wrong" decision which is of course not what I want; but also I think in the long run would end up with her being hurt by the OM. One of the most frustrating things is that if this were one of her friends in the situation that she's in, my wife would tell the friend to "stop being so stupid" "grow up and let this fling go" and "can't you see you're being used and ruining your marriage". Seems like she's too wrapped up in the thrill of the EA.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Thanks again for the replies. It all seems so simple when it's written here - just wish I could make it so straight forward in my head! Your emotionally involved. That's what makes this so hard. I know everyone who goes through this must think "My situation's different, my wife isn't like everyone else" and I'm the same I guess. I honestly believe that my wife's head is in a real mess right now and the excitement and fantasy of the EA isn't helping at all. I think that if we got through this she'd look back and cringe about what has happened. I know that she's not a bad person and I really think she had her head turned by a certain kind of man at a time when things in our marriage were at a bit of a low point and our jobs had meant that we hadn't spent enough time with each other. Exactly! Everyone thinks they are the exception. You recognize this, so you can take action before it's too late. Part of me knows that it's not fair of her to drag things on like this and it does seem like she's keeping all her options open but another part of me is worried about pushing her into a decision while she's not thinking straight. She says things every so often like "thanks for giving me the chance to make the right decision". Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who would not choose you when the chips were down? That seems pathetic to me. She says that because she is stalling you... probably trying to get some commitment out of the other guy. My wife's friend has told me that she has tried to end things with the OM but he talks her round each time - he currently is risking nothing and getting all the benefits of the attention of a beautiful married woman. He's got no reason to give it up. He isn't the bad guy here! Your wife probably tried to end it because he won't give up his GF... not because she loves you. She has you on a string... she doesn't care how you feel right now. Maybe an ultimatum would be the way to go though; like someone said, all it's really doing is expediting the decision. Obviously I'm just worried that she'd make the "wrong" decision which is of course not what I want; but also I think in the long run would end up with her being hurt by the OM. She knows this in the back of her mind just like you do. Besides... it isn't an ultimatum. This is YOU standing up for yourself. There is nothing a woman hates more than a doormat. Start showing her some backbone. It may take a bit of time, but I promise you will suddenly seem more attractive to her. One of the most frustrating things is that if this were one of her friends in the situation that she's in, my wife would tell the friend to "stop being so stupid" "grow up and let this fling go" and "can't you see you're being used and ruining your marriage". Seems like she's too wrapped up in the thrill of the EA. So she is the say one thing do another type?
lkjh Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Your wife has the best of both worlds and you need to snap her out of this fantasy and let her see that there are consequences for her actions. Early you said that you are going to choose to believe her that nothing physical has happened and I gotta ask why? She has lied to you already, and believing her now is foolish. When you are preparing for a disaster you prep for the worst case not the best case. You need to man up and let her see that she will actually lose something if this all continues. Also, you need to EXPOSE this affair to the OM's gf for several reasons. One, it puts pressure on him and he will throw your wife under the bus. Your wife will see that he is not MR. Charming when things get nasty for him. Second, his gf may know things you don't
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