Naurifay Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I met my boyfriend 8 years ago when I was 14 and he was just 10. I didn't think much of him since he was just my best friend's cousin, but 8 years later he is now 18 and has asked me to be with him. I am 22 making us 4 years apart. I do not see this as a problem, however my mom thinks otherwise. She is very strict and controlling. She knows of him and has told me how disappointing it is that I even talk to him. She thinks he is too young and says she would be embarrassed to tell people I was seeing him. Although I am old enough to make my own decisions, I have to admitt that my mom influences me a lot. If I were to tell her about me and my new boyfriend, she would shake her head and sigh in disgust and I don't think my self-esteem can take another blow from her. I want to know everyone's opinion. Is it wrong for me to date someone 4 years younger? And does anyone have any ideas how I can tell my mom? Thanks so much!
Bejita463 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 That is not a big age difference, and your mom is not you. If she disrespects your choice in partners you could kindly say you appreciate her opinion and that if she thinks 4 years is too big of an age difference that you won't hold that opinion against her, but that you do not share it. Your life. Not hers. Yours.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Your mom sounds very similar to my mom. I'm going to guess that you still live with her. I lived with mine until I was 23 and pretty much was paralyzed to make a decision that disappointed her. So I totally get where you're coming from. But what I learned is that you cannot consider yourself an adult until you can start making your own adult decisions without worrying about mom's disapproval. That's just the way it goes. There is no magic set of words that is going to change her mind. If she doesn't like the situation, she still won't - no matter what you say to her. Live your life, Naurifay. When it comes down to it, you are the one that is going to have to look back on your life and decide if you lived it to the fullest.
dreamergrl Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You got to be your own person and make your own choices. With that said... not to be all mom like... but while more often then not, four years is nothing... I think it's something when it's 18 and 22. Especially when the guy is the younger one. Guys don't mature as quickly. Also an 18 year old and a 22 year old are in somewhat different spots in life. One is just becoming an adult. The other has more life experience.
Ronni_W Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 And does anyone have any ideas how I can tell my mom? You could start with having general conversations with her that focus on qualities, characteristics, values, etc., instead of just the age difference. Ask her question so that she can start exploring her own feelings, beliefs and perceptions. Sometime we think that we think things...but when we start looking at it, we're saying it without REALLY having thought about it. Ask her to please set aside other people's opinions, and talk to you from her heart: What are her real fears for you? Does she have any personal experience dating a "younger guy", and how did that turn out? In her mind, what would it say about her, that you are dating someone who is 4 years younger than you? And then you'd want to directly address any specific fears and concerns, and let her know how you'd solve whatever issues she's afraid you'll have to face. (It's a whole make-believe thing, yes, but off-spring would be smart to help alleviate their parents' most improbable fears .) You could also ask: What exactly would be so embarrassing to her? What makes your choice of this particular person so disappointing to her? What are the qualities that she'd prefer your partner to have? What type of relationship would she wish you to have - how does she want your partner to treat you? - what type of feelings would she like him to inspire in you? Would it be 'okay' if your ages were 30 & 26? 52 & 48? And if so, what would make you more suited to each other later in life? And. You could mention to her that this is not just a "spur of the moment" thing. You have known each other for 8 years already; there is trust, there is a bond, there is already a long-term relationship...and you two are ready to take it to the next step. Tell her that you are proud of your and his decisions thus far; that you've both shown maturity, wisdom, self-discipline, etc. -- and she can be proud of you, too! Reassure her that she did a great job; she totally raised you to be self-responsible and to make wise, self-affirming decisions and choices. Tell her that you are proud of her and appreciate her for that, and for her continued love and caring. Let her know, clearly and kindly, that you intend to live your life so that it supports your own adult needs, desires, passions and goals...and you have no intention of disappointing yourself.
aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Your an adult and you can make your own decisions. If he's legal and you two are on the same page emotionally and mentally then go for it. Maybe he will grow on your mother, you never know. I just recently told my mom that my boyfriend is 30 and I'm 20. I don't think she was too happy about it and of course she doesn't think it will last, but she's also not the one dating him, I am. So at the end of the day you gotta do what makes you happy and not your mom because your mom isn't the one who will be in a relationship with this guy, you will be.
cognac Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 The girl I am off and on with is almost 4 years older than me, and it's not a big deal at all. I am very mature and she is somewhat mature for her age so it evens out.
Author Naurifay Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 thank you all so much for your answers! I told my mom tonight, and it went really well!
Arabella Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 My SO and I are almost exactly four years apart too. Though sometimes I can definitely -feel- the age difference, it's never really bothered me from a social context point of view. Just think, as you guys get older, it will be even less noticeable. Seeing how your mother is fine with it, I would definitely not worry Arabella
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