aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Ok so not that I'm really worried about this too much since it's wayyy too early for me to be considering marriage with my boyfriend, but something he said when we were briefly discussing marriage (while watching a half drunk bride to be at her bachelorrette dinner) really made me start to wonder. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to get married ever and he said "maybe". When I asked why he said maybe, he said that he said that he didn't want to end up with someone who wasn't willing to put effort into a marriage and then have it go downhill. He also mentioned how most women change post marriage and that he doesn't want to be stuck with a wife who nags, doesn't have sex with him, and thus be bitter about being married. I see those as good reasons as to fear getting married, so I guess what I'm wondering is if these are two of the main reasons most men don't want to get married? I'd just like a peek into the mind of a man for a bit.
TheLoneSock Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not afraid of marriage. I'm afraid of marrying the wrong woman.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not afraid of marriage. I'm afraid of marrying the wrong woman. Yes that's what I was getting from my boyfriend from our little conversation.
BookerT Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 The biological reason which most men themselves aren't even aware since it's subconsciously driven: Marrying one woman means you can have sex with lots of women ever again unless you cheat. Social reasons: 50% of people divorce. Might end up losing financially Might lose freedom List goes on.
JolliX Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I can't say I'm afraid to get married. Similar to what someone else has already said, I am just afraid of marrying the wrong girl. But with my experience, I can ask a similar question... why are women afraid of serious relationships that don't begin with a promise of marriage?
Blackfrost Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Ok so not that I'm really worried about this too much since it's wayyy too early for me to be considering marriage with my boyfriend, but something he said when we were briefly discussing marriage (while watching a half drunk bride to be at her bachelorrette dinner) really made me start to wonder. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to get married ever and he said "maybe". When I asked why he said maybe, he said that he said that he didn't want to end up with someone who wasn't willing to put effort into a marriage and then have it go downhill. He also mentioned how most women change post marriage and that he doesn't want to be stuck with a wife who nags, doesn't have sex with him, and thus be bitter about being married. I see those as good reasons as to fear getting married, so I guess what I'm wondering is if these are two of the main reasons most men don't want to get married? I'd just like a peek into the mind of a man for a bit. You've pretty much answered your own question, with the examples he provided to you. Additional reasons stem from certain man traits such as: 1) This means he is potentially with one woman forever - this is terrifying to alot of men - even I can get saddened by it, and i've been happily married for 14 years! It's a psychological thing in alot of guys. It means the game is over, and you're locked in. This can be really hard for some guys to fathom doing to themselves. Your freedom is officially gone, and someone is now going to be able to give you orders, and you will heed them. 2) He has to now be completely responsible. Even if he is a completely responsible person right now: it doesn't matter. Being married means he HAS the implied pressure to be responsible. 3) What are the benefits of being married for a man? Women have a million answers for why a man should feel that marriage is a benefit, but alot of men don't have those million reasons for why they should get married. Men don't grow up playing with their friends the way most girls do: dreaming about boys, weddings, children, and their future dream homes. Our whole childhood is not about preparing for our future long term relationship with someone. 4) go back to #1 and repeat constantly
samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 why are women afraid of serious relationships that don't begin with a promise of marriage?Because we would not like spending 3 plus years, let's put it almost 8 years into the relationship and no marriage talks or actual commitment and all of the sudden he gets bored or something and it ends. Can't you imagine, all those years, I would lose all because of a man that never wanted to get married... Plus my youth will not come back, by then I would be like 30 years old... Then let's say I do find my man and I have now harvest 4 yrs with no marriage talks and then he leaves. By then I'll be 34, I would be slowing consume by age and off course heart broken to the point I want no relationships no more and I might then start having one night stands..
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 why are women afraid of serious relationships that don't begin with a promise of marriage? Good question. For me, I'm not afraid of a serious relationship that begins without the promise of marriage, I just don't want to start out in a serious relationship that I know will never lead to marriage (ex. the guy says he never wants to get married) because that's something I'd like to do in my life.
samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Good question. For me, I'm not afraid of a serious relationship that begins without the promise of marriage, I just don't want to start out in a serious relationship that I know will never lead to marriage (ex. the guy says he never wants to get married) because that's something I'd like to do in my life.Exactly, if the guy were to say he never wants marriage while you want it in the future then there's no point in staying in that relationship. You have to be on the same point...
Johnny M Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm always surprised when women ask questions like this. A much better question would be: why aren't women afraid to get married? One look at all the desperate single moms out there, who instantaneously earn the "spoiled goods" status when they become single again, should give you a hint of why rushing into a marriage is not such a great idea. The bottom line is that marriage is a very serious decision because the implications of a failed marriage are often quite severe. The fact that the divorce rate is at 50% shows that too many people are not scared enough.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Yes samsungxoxo, it all comes down to I don't want someone wasting my precious time (time that I will never get back mind you) on a fruitless pursuit. If I didn't want to get married then I'd be fine with it, but because I do, no that's not okay. Granted, I don't expect us to start planning our wedding within one month of dating, but I'd like to know generally what his views on marriage are and if they are compatible with mine. If they aren't then I know it's time to move on, therefore I won't be wasting time for either of us. That's like me dating a guy for 5 years who I know is dying to have kids and a family of his own, knowing there is no way I'm ever having kids. Is that fair to me or him? No, so it's best to be upfront about the no kids thing early on. Same goes for men, be honest up front on whether or not you want to be married or would even consider it. If your answer is a definite no and we are definitely looking to get married sometime in the future, then we can go find someone else who wants the same things in life.
JolliX Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 As stated, marriage is a big step that most men are hesitant about. The bigger problem I've had is that girls I date don't want a serious relationship (or the label of one) even if the signs of a serious relationship are there. If you are dating someone exclusively, you call yourselves a couple, are sleeping together, and do things beyond hanging out together, then what is wrong with the term boyfriend/girlfriend? It's a similar issue, but one that means even less commitment and stress than marriage, but I've seen so many girls that are afraid of those simple terms.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 As stated, marriage is a big step that most men are hesitant about. The bigger problem I've had is that girls I date don't want a serious relationship (or the label of one) even if the signs of a serious relationship are there. If you are dating someone exclusively, you call yourselves a couple, are sleeping together, and do things beyond hanging out together, then what is wrong with the term boyfriend/girlfriend? It's a similar issue, but one that means even less commitment and stress than marriage, but I've seen so many girls that are afraid of those simple terms. I've noticed that trend lately with these stupid terms like "friend boy" or "my friend" popping up among my friends. I don't see why you would be in denial of calling a guy your boyfriend especially if your seeing each other on a regular basis and are sleeping together, etc. And hence my problem with people who like to play mind games, because to me that is a mind game.
samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 As stated, marriage is a big step that most men are hesitant about. The bigger problem I've had is that girls I date don't want a serious relationship (or the label of one) even if the signs of a serious relationship are there. If you are dating someone exclusively, you call yourselves a couple, are sleeping together, and do things beyond hanging out together, then what is wrong with the term boyfriend/girlfriend? It's a similar issue, but one that means even less commitment and stress than marriage, but I've seen so many girls that are afraid of those simple terms.Yes but how would you feel if you were to stay with that person for about 5-8 years into the relationship, you're so happy and all of the sudden the person tells you it's over and moves on, while you still love that person???? From then on you have another relationship lasting a very long while and the same thing happens, they tell you it's over and don't love you anymore. I bet by then you would not want anything to do with long term relationships anymore.... In that case, I would feel I wasted time base on only emotions and feelings but not commitment...
JolliX Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Yes but how would you feel if you were to stay with that person for about 5-8 years into the relationship, you're so happy and all of the sudden the person tells you it's over and moves on, while you still love that person???? From then on you have another relationship lasting a very long while and the same thing happens, they tell you it's over and don't love you anymore. I bet by then you would not want anything to do with long term relationships anymore.... I'm not arguing with you on this point, I agree with you here. The thing is until you decide to have a talk about a future that involves marriage, why should it matter? It's kind of a baby step situation. You date > you are a couple > you are boyfriend girlfriend > you talk of love > discuss marriage. Until you fall in love with the person (or they fall in love with you), you can't expect talk of marriage. Now I wouldn't go more than 1.5 years or so without at least having talked about if they wanted to get married someday or not, but still there is an order to things.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not arguing with you on this point, I agree with you here. The thing is until you decide to have a talk about a future that involves marriage, why should it matter? It's kind of a baby step situation. You date > you are a couple > you are boyfriend girlfriend > you talk of love > discuss marriage. Until you fall in love with the person (or they fall in love with you), you can't expect talk of marriage. Now I wouldn't go more than 1.5 years or so without at least having talked about if they wanted to get married someday or not, but still there is an order to things. I agree wholeheartedly with you here. But personally I don't want to waste more than 6 months on someone who doesn't even possibly foresee a future with me. I like to cut my losses early because my time is too precious to be wasted on something that doesn't even have the possibility of going somewhere.
JolliX Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Understandable. I guess I feel the same way but about the girlfriend/boyfriend thing. As I see it, you can't date someone exclusively for 8 months, admit that things are serious, and then refuse to even let you refer to them as a girlfriend/bofriend even in front of people that know you are dating... it just kills trust a bit as to why you woud be reluctant to do so. BTW, can you tell I have a chip on my shoulder?
samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Now I wouldn't go more than 1.5 years or so without at least having talked about if they wanted to get married someday or not, but still there is an order to things.Yup agree on that one. No point in that case. But yes if you mean everything should be taken little by little yes agree with that as well. Depends on how long the poster has been dating her boyfriend. If it's less than 6 months then it might be too early but 1 year or above, then that's when you should know the person well if they are on your same page or not. If not then might as well break up..
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Understandable. I guess I feel the same way but about the girlfriend/boyfriend thing. As I see it, you can't date someone exclusively for 8 months, admit that things are serious, and then refuse to even let you refer to them as a girlfriend/bofriend even in front of people that know you are dating... it just kills trust a bit as to why you woud be reluctant to do so. BTW, can you tell I have a chip on my shoulder? Haha I think we all have a chip on our shoulder to some extent. I'm assuming though that's what happened with an ex of yours?
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Yup agree on that one. No point in that case. But yes if you mean everything should be taken little by little yes agree with that as well. Depends on how long the poster has been dating her boyfriend. If it's less than 6 months then it might be too early but 1 year or above, then that's when you should know the person well if they are on your same page or not. If not then might as well break up.. Oh no, haha it's way too early for us to have that talk lol. It just came up because he was saying how sad it was that the girl looked drunk and completely miserable at her bachelorette party and that it must be because it had just hit her that she was getting married. Thus the conversation I mentioned at the beginning ensued. But no, when we get to the 6th month mark, if he can't decide whether or not he sees a future with me (and I mean at least saying he wants to be together for awhile and possibly consider marriage if things continue to go well) then I'm walking. But it's too early to think about that, I'm just enjoying having him around to be an awesome boyfriend as he's been so far.
JolliX Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm assuming though that's what happened with an ex of yours? Yup. It's nice getting dumped b/c you bring up stepping up the relationship, or whatever reason she dumped me for (since it was a text message without a real explanation). Anyhow, it seems we all agree there is a time issue and order to things. I guess the tough part is when you bring something like that up so you don't freak out the other person?
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Yup. It's nice getting dumped b/c you bring up stepping up the relationship, or whatever reason she dumped me for (since it was a text message without a real explanation). Anyhow, it seems we all agree there is a time issue and order to things. I guess the tough part is when you bring something like that up so you don't freak out the other person? Oh that sucks. Yeah I know how hard a text message break up can be since my ex did the same thing although he had the worst timing ever. That morning he called me telling me he loved me and I was "the one" and he had hit the lotto with me. Three hours later he was unsure about us due to the distance he claimed. (our relationship was a LDR). Two hours later he texts me at work saying he feels he needs to find himself after I tell him that if moving is what it takes for us to stay together, then I'll move up North to be with him. So I tell him to forget it and that I'm through because I don't have time to put up with his lame excuses. The next day I find out via facebook that he has a new girlfriend and is planning to move up to Canada with her in less than a month. Yeah I was pissed off, lol.
Ross PK Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not sure if I'm 'afraid' to get married, I'm just not interested in it at all and I can only see negatives and no positives about it. I don't really see the point in getting married, if you love each other and are living together then that's good enough, I don't see how marrige would enhance it. All it means to me is that it just makes it more harder to split up, it's like being chained down. And if you do want to split up you have to go through all the hassle of divorce and the guy will lose his house, he'll lose half of everything. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life and have no sex than be married. Being married just sounds like a disasterous situation to be in with absolutley no benefits whatsoever.
phineas Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I married the wrong girl. It will take me yrs to recover financially. I'm not opposed to marriage again. As long as there is an iron clad-prenup.
carhill Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I married the wrong girl. It will take me yrs to recover financially. I'm not opposed to marriage again. As long as there is an iron clad-prenup. Repeated for emphasis
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