MinTea Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 So.. My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. We've been dating for almost a year. A year minus 3 days actually. Since he graduated from college last spring, we were in a long distance relationship. I will be graduating this coming spring... anyway... He keeps saying that he still loves me, but he doesn't believe that our relationship can become a long term one. He says that he was sure he would marry me one day, but he thinks that the physical distance between us right now will only get worse and we will never be able to get back to the stable relationship we had when we were both living on campus. Right now, we're really not that far away from each other. I'm 45 minutes away while I'm on campus, and from my hometown it's about 1 hour and 30 minutes. But between my studies and interning, his working to pay off his college debt, people getting sick, and everyday life issues, seeing each other has been really hard. I'll admit that I scared him into thinking that this relationship is impossible. Not being able to spend as much quality time with him has gotten me down quite a few times, and I'd ask him for reassurance that he and I will be ok. He would always tell me that he would do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going. We started planning for our one year anniversary, and we picked out a nice restaurant... He was going to make reservations the next morning, but instead, he called me again because he was going to make reservations at a cheaper restaurant. Yes, I did get a little upset, and didn't say much. I bit my tongue though... He has a lot of loans to pay off, and I knew he wouldn't let me pay for my own dinner (I did offer), and I had to accept his limits even if I was feeling disappointed. Then he started talking about how I don't really know where I'm going to be after I graduate... and he doesn't know when he'll be financially able to get his own place. He brought up that right now I would be hesitant to rent a place with him, and he doesn't believe it will ever happen. He is right about most of these things... but how does all of this make our relationship impossible? When I graduate, I'll either be in the same city as my college, or I'll be back in my hometown for a little while. Like he says, he's at home and will be for quite awhile until he can support himself. As things are right now, I am hesitant to rent a place him. I'm not ready to take that step, and my family will look down on me for it. I understand that I'm my own woman and should be able to do what I want, but my parents are paying for my college and I'm grateful that I don't have to go through all the money issues that my ex is. I feel that I owe my parents at least some respect. Anyway, he broke up with me during that call while saying multiple times that he still loves me and what we had was beautiful. But that's in the past, and it's only logical to call it off now instead of later. He would love to be friends and hang out, but we cannot date. How can he say that he still loves me, and only want to be friends? I understand the notion of "no hard feelings," but I love him! I don't know how to just cut off the feelings that I have for him and replace it with just friendship. Not after what we've shared. And it makes this even more difficult when he says that he still loves me. It seems like we're kicking ourselves in the face all because we don't know what's going to happen in the future. Nobody knows exactly what's going to happen in the future anyway. This is just so frustrating! He was kind enough to let me send a few emails and a few texts to try to talk it out. We had even talked on the phone for an hour. It sounded like he was crying, and he is usually NOT the emotional type. Sometimes he would say "no, we're not dating," and other times he would say "I'm not ready to change my mind." But it all kept boiling down to "this is the best thing for both of us." There is absolutely nothing else that I can say, other than I'm sorry, for being such downer all the time when I miss him. I didn't realize that I hurt him so much to make him withdraw like this. He never confronted me about this. He doesn't think that he can fulfill my needs now. I'm not ready to just let him go. But now if I message him, we can only talk about normal everyday things. If I knew this was a temporary break, then talking about normal things would be fine. I would give him the space he needed. But it really doesn't sound like this is temporary. I don't know what to do! I just want a chance to try again and make myself better. I've been going to a counselor on campus since the breakup, and he agrees that I need to think more positively. He can work with me on that. My ex thinks that would only be a short term solution, and he thinks that when a relationship breaks up the second time, it hurts worse than the first. I feel so helpless right now. I know that I messed up, and I want to make up for it! I've gotten my appetite back since the breakup, but my chest still feels so heavy. I know I should distract myself, but it's just so hard. I don't know what to do. The campus counselor thinks we should talk about the grieving process, but I'm not ready... I don't want to say it's over. It's really hard just to type "my ex" right now. I would really appreciate any advice.
LostInLA Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I replied to your other thread but I'll reply here to reiterate to avoid him at all costs right now. Don't be his friend. And trust me, you'll eventually start to feel better. My break up happened in March and it was a 10 year relationship. The beginning is really really hard...but it WILL get better. And know that it is ok to cry. If you get angry, which you most likely will, avoid contacting him and avoid telling him off. Get a pen and paper and WRITE whenever you feel upset. It doesn't matter if you can't write everything because your mind and emotions will be racing, but this will help! Talk to your friends, let them know you need them now more than ever. They will surely be supportive! Remember, it's ok to go through all these difficult feelings. Know that this will probably take some time, and that is ok too.
Recommended Posts