MM followup text conversation

[Alpha Female]

My MM and I had a closure text conversation tonight.

 

In it, he basically asked for my forgiveness for hurting me like this, how I am the dream he dreams, how he loves me, and how he wishes he could turn back time on the last two weeks. He then proceeded to tell me that with me, he saw a better future, but feels he doesnt deserve it (he does have self-esteem issues) and how I deserve better than him.

 

I told him that none of this made sense. That he held me in his arms days ago, looked me in the eyes and promised wed be together. He said it didnt make sense to him either - that hes torn between 20 years of history and a new frontier.

 

He then finished by telling me that he'd been thinking of leaving for a long time, but that he lacks the courage to actually do it.

 

Im pretty upset, because although part of me felt the chance existed he wouldnt leave, I still wanted to believe he would. I took the risk, even though it wasnt good odds.

 

Im sure what Im going through has been experienced by many of here.

 

Any one have words of support? Im hurting.

[someonesangel]

My MM and I had a closure text conversation tonight.

 

In it, he basically asked for my forgiveness for hurting me like this, how I am the dream he dreams, how he loves me, and how he wishes he could turn back time on the last two weeks. He then proceeded to tell me that with me, he saw a better future, but feels he doesnt deserve it (he does have self-esteem issues) and how I deserve better than him.

 

I told him that none of this made sense. That he held me in his arms days ago, looked me in the eyes and promised wed be together. He said it didnt make sense to him either - that hes torn between 20 years of history and a new frontier.

 

He then finished by telling me that he'd been thinking of leaving for a long time, but that he lacks the courage to actually do it.

 

Im pretty upset, because although part of me felt the chance existed he wouldnt leave, I still wanted to believe he would. I took the risk, even though it wasnt good odds.

 

Im sure what Im going through has been experienced by many of here.

 

Any one have words of support? Im hurting.

 

God knows I know how you are feeling! I am so sorry.

 

I know little of your story ( how long or DDay or choice) but I do know the pain and I especially know how dark it can be in the first weeks after the initial colapse.

 

I know you won't believe me and trust me it isn't easy and we are still in C, although still struggling ..... but the tears don't happen as often, and I am finding my legs.

 

I am really sorry, I am in pain as well but reading your post reminded me of just how dark those initial days were.

 

Hang in there, it isn't quick but it does slowly get better.

[xpaperxcutx]

Sorry you're going through this, but from what the affairs I have read on, I know most MM/MW like to apologize to their OW/OM not because they feel sorry, but because that's the only way they can walk away from an affair without feeling guilty.

[Alpha Female]

God knows I know how you are feeling! I am so sorry.

 

I know little of your story ( how long or DDay or choice) but I do know the pain and I especially know how dark it can be in the first weeks after the initial colapse.

 

I know you won't believe me and trust me it isn't easy and we are still in C, although still struggling ..... but the tears don't happen as often, and I am finding my legs.

 

I am really sorry, I am in pain as well but reading your post reminded me of just how dark those initial days were.

 

Hang in there, it isn't quick but it does slowly get better.

 

Thanks.

 

We had only been involved for 4 months, but it was pretty intense as these things tend to go. He had been telling he was leaving for over a month now, and that is when we decided he would move in with me. We were a week from him moving in.

 

He was becoming more distant lately, and I didnt feel like things were right. He was running home more often to see his W, rather than spend time with me. He said it was because she was suspicious, and he wanted her to stay calm until he walked out the door in a week. He also said it was to protect me from being found out.

 

Im gutted, I really am. I cannot understand how he could tell me these things - even as recently as yesterday! Yet then be able to turn around and dump me cold. Is this the lines that all MM say when they realize they cant pull the trigger and walk out?

 

Sorry you're going through this, but from what the affairs I have read on, I know most MM/MW like to apologize to their OW/OM not because they feel sorry, but because that's the only way they can walk away from an affair without feeling guilty.

 

Oh hes a selfish man for sure, so I get what your saying. Thats why he pulls the low self-esteem lines with me, and tries to tell me how he doesnt deserve someone as wonderful as me. Its a passive aggressive way to make him seem less culpable.

 

Good thing for him Im not angry enough to tell his W.

[Fallen Angel]

I am so sorry for your pain. I wish that I knew what to say to help make it better, but the truth is, it just hurts, and it sucks, and all you can do is go through the grieving. And it takes time. We are here when you need us. ((HUGS))

[DiDi123]

I'm sorry your hurting

((hugs))

[Alpha Female]

I am so sorry for your pain. I wish that I knew what to say to help make it better, but the truth is, it just hurts, and it sucks, and all you can do is go through the grieving. And it takes time. We are here when you need us. ((HUGS))

 

Thank you. It does suck big time. Also because he ended our texting abruptly when I know his W came home. Im the dirty little secret.

 

I have texts upon texts from him - even from this week and a few days ago - all telling me how much he loves me, how I need to patient for a little while longer, how we will be together. On and on.

 

I dont get it. Yes I knew there was a chance he might not leave, but how can someone hold you in their arms and tell you such blatant lies?

 

I now feel like everything he told me was a huge lie, and he probably never loved me, and knew all along he would stay with his W.

 

Since he seems to have an affair once a year now, how long you think before he picks his next victim? I think there was 6 months between me and the last one.

[Alpha Female]

I'm sorry your hurting

((hugs))

 

Thank you!

 

This is why I was trying to say on your thread - they say all these things, and then when it comes down to it, they cant pull the trigger.

 

Hes a coward. And a liar. And no, I will not forgive him. He lied to my face about being with me. He knows hed have a better life with me, but then uses his low self-esteem and says he doesnt deserve someone as wonderful as me, as his excuse.

 

Well, hes right. I do deserve better than him.

 

Funny - last night I prayed that if he was meant for me, then bring him to me, and if not, Ill gladly welcome someone else. Didnt think hed be pulled so quickly.

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you. It does suck big time. Also because he ended our texting abruptly when I know his W came home. Im the dirty little secret.

 

I have texts upon texts from him - even from this week and a few days ago - all telling me how much he loves me, how I need to patient for a little while longer, how we will be together. On and on.

 

I dont get it. Yes I knew there was a chance he might not leave, but how can someone hold you in their arms and tell you such blatant lies?

 

I now feel like everything he told me was a huge lie, and he probably never loved me, and knew all along he would stay with his W.

 

Since he seems to have an affair once a year now, how long you think before he picks his next victim? I think there was 6 months between me and the last one.

 

That is one thing I am so grateful my MM has never done. He has hinted that in the future things may be different (when his son is out of the house) but he has made me no promises. If he did, and then did that to me, I may have had to stab him in the eye with my trusty plastic fork. (he knows that about me, perhaps that is why he won't say those things... )

 

Your anger right now is good, you will need it to get through the next few weeks.

[someonesangel]

It can be a combination of things, I think fear and reality set in. Even after our DDay his words to me were, " I feel so far away from you and I hate it".

 

I am starting to understand more now, but the pain and the never ending "how" and "why" truly can eat you up.

 

My advice, try not to search for too many answers now.... in the coming months you will see clarity a bit more. I know the questions I asked on Thursday ( 4 months after our DDay) were much more direct and I was much more open to hearing what he said versus what I needed to hear.

 

I know it's hard, but another suggestion..... write, write, write, write

 

Whatever you do, get it out.... that will also help you to sort your feelings and should you speak again, help you in direction.

[someonesangel]

Since he seems to have an affair once a year now, how long you think before he picks his next victim? I think there was 6 months between me and the last one.

 

 

THIS is concerning and a huge flag! In all seriousness, you do not want to get involved with a Serial cheater.

 

And if you think your angry now.... just wait until about the 2 month mark:eek:.... he wasn't sure I was even the same person.... and you know what, neither was I.

[jwi71]

I can't make the pain go away. And even if I could I'm not sure I would for then YOU would be denied. But now is not the time for lessons or exploring. Its about kleenex and Hagendaas. And who the hell came up with the name Hagendaas. Really, that's hard as hell to spell.

 

The power to make the pain go away is in you already. Always was. Always will be.

 

Think of it not as the end but the beginning of something wonderful. Of someone wonderful.

 

Now, delete his numbers, block his email and walk away. Heal.

[Alpha Female]

That is one thing I am so grateful my MM has never done. He has hinted that in the future things may be different (when his son is out of the house) but he has made me no promises. If he did, and then did that to me, I may have had to stab him in the eye with my trusty plastic fork. (he knows that about me, perhaps that is why he won't say those things... )

 

Your anger right now is good, you will need it to get through the next few weeks.

 

A fork sounds nice. A knife even better. Yes, he was planning to move in with me for a month now. I even cleared closet and drawer space for him and had a key made! All things he knew. He made me big promises. He even was seeing my parents once a week for work! Of course, they didn't know he was M.

 

I hate feeling angry and sad. He wrote to me that he "dropped the ball and deserved all the blame". WTF? He added he wished he could turn back time on the last two weeks (thats when his W got very suspicous and he started drifting away from me and rushing home to his W and we therefore started fighting more because of his abrupt change). Last two weeks? What about what your doing today guy! Idiot.

 

It can be a combination of things, I think fear and reality set in. Even after our DDay his words to me were, " I feel so far away from you and I hate it".

 

I am starting to understand more now, but the pain and the never ending "how" and "why" truly can eat you up.

 

My advice, try not to search for too many answers now.... in the coming months you will see clarity a bit more. I know the questions I asked on Thursday ( 4 months after our DDay) were much more direct and I was much more open to hearing what he said versus what I needed to hear.

 

Well I have my answers. He has told me quite plainly that he has wanted to leave for a long time, but he lacks the courage to do so. Its just that simple.

 

In a more rational moment, I would admit I know he loves me. And I know hes hurting. Last time we broke up for a week, he was a raging mess. But that was much different than this, which is why I believe he means it this time.

 

I think its possible for some people to be so cowardly, that despite their heart being elsewhere, they will stay in a rut because of a variety of things. For my MM, its fear and low self-esteem.

 

His W never supported his career, and she makes the bulk of the money and pays all the bills. She actually doesnt want him to be successful, because it behooves her to keep him dependent on her. And for him, despite me getting his career jump started, I know hes afraid he wont measure up (hes told me he feared he wouldnt be man enough for me and Id change my mind once he moved in). So, its almost easier for him to stay where he is and accomplish nothing, than try and actually make something of his life.

 

Tonight he wrote me "[COLOR=#ff0000]U know Ive never really planned anything. Maybe that's why Ive failed at almost everything. With u I had so much hope 4 a better future but I don't deserve it"[/COLOR]

 

THIS is concerning and a huge flag! In all seriousness, you do not want to get involved with a Serial cheater.

 

And if you think your angry now.... just wait until about the 2 month mark:eek:.... he wasn't sure I was even the same person.... and you know what, neither was I.

 

Your probably right, Angel. I think we get that mentality that well be different, even though we know in our hearts they dont change.

 

He doesnt have ONS or anything. His last A was an EA for a year, and consummated only once. Lasted about a year. She was also M.

 

What happened after 2 months? Did your anger grow? Gosh Im hoping Ill be over this in a month.

[Alpha Female]

I can't make the pain go away. And even if I could I'm not sure I would for then YOU would be denied. But now is not the time for lessons or exploring. Its about kleenex and Hagendaas. And who the hell came up with the name Hagendaas. Really, that's hard as hell to spell.

 

The power to make the pain go away is in you already. Always was. Always will be.

 

Think of it not as the end but the beginning of something wonderful. Of someone wonderful.

 

Now, delete his numbers, block his email and walk away. Heal.

 

Thank you for the support. Right now, its about pizza and tequila. Cupcake later on.

 

In a way, I think the worst thing I can do to him is to not be with him. I know it sounds odd considering he just dumped me, but he did love me more than I did him, and I know he will be crushed by us being apart. Not because hed say it, but because I saw it the last time we split. He was a hot mess.

 

And I have no apologies for feeling good knowing Im not the only one hurting, and enjoy thinking hes in pain.

[fooled once]

I am sorry you are hurting.

 

This unfortunately is one of the side effects of getting involved with a married man. 99% of the time it doesn't work out the way you want it.

 

You will survive. You will get through it.

 

Maybe he loved you; maybe he didn't. Only he really knows.

 

Just know that he isn't the man for you. The man for you is the man who loves you completely; the man who wants to be with you soley; the man who will cherish you and protect you. The man for you is the man who will stand up and declare to the world that he loves you.

 

It wasn't this guy.

 

((hugs))

 

one day at a time...

[Alpha Female]

I am sorry you are hurting.

 

This unfortunately is one of the side effects of getting involved with a married man. 99% of the time it doesn't work out the way you want it.

 

You will survive. You will get through it.

 

Maybe he loved you; maybe he didn't. Only he really knows.

 

Just know that he isn't the man for you. The man for you is the man who loves you completely; the man who wants to be with you soley; the man who will cherish you and protect you. The man for you is the man who will stand up and declare to the world that he loves you.

 

It wasn't this guy.

 

((hugs))

 

one day at a time...

 

I think its a potential side effect of a lot of relationships. I mean Ive dated a lot of single guys and they didnt work out either. But I know what you mean. With a MM your pretty much sure it wont work out.

 

The man for me would leave his W in order to seek his own happiness.

 

My MM has a friend who is a psychologist. He discussed our situation with her recently, and she also has been married, so she gets it better. Anyhow, she told him he needed to follow his heart. I know he knows this is the right thing to do. Im just angry at him for being such a friggin pussy who didnt have the balls to walk out on a dead situation for something better and brighter for himself. I dont respect anyone who doesnt take care of themselves.

[someonesangel]

 

What happened after 2 months? Did your anger grow? Gosh Im hoping Ill be over this in a month.

 

Did it grow! Oh my god.... It rained buckets!!!!

 

He had everything and I mean everything thrown at him in figurtive terms... I gave it all to him and had no intentions of dealing with it on my own. We were together almost a year (not that that makes a difference) but the way HE handled DDay did not work for ME.

 

I understood his Wife and Councilor were not going to suggest he owed me jack, but I believed he had to own his part of our relationship and he did finally. But everyone agreed I wasn't entitled, etc.

 

Truth, I wouldn't except his lies in our relationship and I wouldn't allow him to treat me disrespectfully after....

 

He has come a long way in owing some of the pain caused on our side and we both owned the pain caused to his W.

 

There is usually a clear grieving process and I followed it fairly accurately... and I can tell you it was more anger/hurt than I had ever experienced and some day's made cybil look sane!

[Alpha Female]

Did it grow! Oh my god.... It rained buckets!!!!

 

He had everything and I mean everything thrown at him in figurtive terms... I gave it all to him and had no intentions of dealing with it on my own. We were together almost a year (not that that makes a difference) but the way HE handled DDay did not work for ME.

 

I understood his Wife and Councilor were not going to suggest he owed me jack, but I believed he had to own his part of our relationship and he did finally. But everyone agreed I wasn't entitled, etc.

 

Truth, I wouldn't except his lies in our relationship and I wouldn't allow him to treat me disrespectfully after....

 

He has come a long way in owing some of the pain caused on our side and we both owned the pain caused to his W.

 

There is usually a clear grieving process and I followed it fairly accurately... and I can tell you it was more anger/hurt than I had ever experienced and some day's made cybil look sane!

 

Wow. Thats potent, Angel. Im so sorry for all that rage.

 

I think Im in better shape a bit because technically I pre-empted his dumping me, by telling him I knew something was up, and was therefore dumping him, though again, we both knew I was dumping him because he was planning on dumping me anyhow. ha. Still. It wasn't like he came to me out of the blue and dropped the bomb. I felt something was amiss for a few weeks now.

 

Oh, and I meant to add about his previous affair. Yes, hes a serial cheater, but I sincerely believed he was looking for an exit affair, not something to keep on the side. He told me recently that he had crossed too many lines with me, and had gone too far to turn back to his W.

 

Honestly, I think if my MM had a higher self-esteem, he'd be gone. I do believe him when he said he feels he doesnt deserve a better life. And no amount of love or support from me will ever change that.

[fooled once]

I think its a potential side effect of a lot of relationships. I mean Ive dated a lot of single guys and they didnt work out either. But I know what you mean. With a MM your pretty much sure it wont work out.

 

The man for me would leave his W in order to seek his own happiness.

 

My MM has a friend who is a psychologist. He discussed our situation with her recently, and she also has been married, so she gets it better. Anyhow, she told him he needed to follow his heart. I know he knows this is the right thing to do. Im just angry at him for being such a friggin pussy who didnt have the balls to walk out on a dead situation for something better and brighter for himself. I dont respect anyone who doesnt take care of themselves.

 

The man for you doesn't have a wife to leave

 

I know you angry -- just be glad you aren't still waiting for him. Just be glad that you aren't waiting around for years.

 

His wife means something to him. If she didn't, it would be easy for him to walk away. Granted, she deserves better too - she deserves someone who isn't lying and cheating behind her back.

[Alpha Female]

His wife means something to him. If she didn't, it would be easy for him to walk away. Granted, she deserves better too - she deserves someone who isn't lying and cheating behind her back.

 

I don't know. He never trashed her the way some guys talk about their W's, but I'm not convinced he is staying so much for her, as he is the fear of a better and successful life. I guess she means something, I mean, they have a 20 year history, but I dont think shes his end all anymore. They have grown apart quite a bit. It happens.

 

And she knows hes a cheater. He cheated on his first W with the current one. Plus, when he had that year long affair, someone at work suspected it, and called his current W. She then showed up at work and confronted the OW. So, when she recently became suspicious about his whereabouts, she was checking his cell phone, and then calling work to find out what time he was genuinely leaving. For months, he was leaving and coming to my house, but since she was sniffing around, that stopped.

 

And thats what clued me in that he was drifting. He cared more about her finding out, than he did about us fulfilling our promise of being together. Im just not convinced that hes with her because he loves her. I mean, his affairs seem to be getting more intense. If he was really into the W and interested in recommiting to her, he wouldnt have sought me out to begin with. He has affairs because his life is an unhappy one with her. They have a teenager at home that he adores. And ultimately, hes too weak to ever leave. I see that now.

 

I give him two months, and hell be entrenched in a new affair.

[Alpha Female]

OK, I did it. I deleted him from my phone, and much harder, I deleted all of his texts.

 

This included numerous I LOVE YOU's, and even one from Thursday that said "I want to be with you so badly. Please be patient. We will be together soon. I love you." And a bunch of others telling me what a great day we may have had together, or how sweet I was, but mainly the 30 or so I kept were all various versions of how much he loved me, and how we would be together soon.

 

Part of me hopes I can wake up tomorrow and hell have written me saying it was a huge mistake and he panicked, and that he cant live without me. Then again, I kind of feel like this is for the best.

 

I hate him for doing this. I hate him for giving up on us, and also for giving up on himself.

 

I feel such a void and so lonely knowing I wont hear from him like I used to, that he wont be texting me, coming to see me, or loving me. I feel abandoned. I feel disappointed. Im in disbelief. I still cant understand how someone can go from telling you for weeks and weeks that you will be together, promise you things, and then two days later, walk out of your life like you never even existed.

[joybean72]

Alpha Female,

 

I am sorry for your hurt...but I really do think you dodged a bullet when it comes to this guy. You pegged it right, he is a coward. It sounds like the only way he will leave is if his wife finds out and SHE gives him the proverbial foot in the @ss. (For lack of better words). Seems to me like he's gaslighting both you and his wife.

He's comfortable with her because she makes her own $ and pays the bills, you are helping him with his business venture...WOW! (Not to mention that yes, he IS infact a serial cheater). Run sweetie...RUN!

Take care of you FIRST!!! (& Let his chips fall where they may...maybe he'll "grow some" without your help).

[1Angel]

I'm also very sorry you are going through this. Consider some facts:

 

He's lying to his wife.

He has self esteem issues.

He's a serial cheater.

 

Lady you CAN do better! Your love won't change him. Guaranteed.

[Alpha Female]

Thanks, everyone. I had a rough night, but am feeling better today.

 

And then he sent me a text. Which took me a bit to figure out who it was, since I deleted him from my phone last night. He knew I was leaving town today so he wished me a good trip and included a smiley face.

 

I deleted it and didnt respond.

 

If we would ever have a future, he needs to do the following:

 

1 - file divorce papers

2 - go to counseling for his self-esteem issues (I attribute that to his cheating)

 

Since its slim to none hell do either, I figure Im clear here.

[MizzBlue72]

I know that you feel anger ... I think all of us OW have felt it at one time or another.

I do wonder though, that you state he cheated on his first wife with his now wife. I worry about that. And now he's cheating with you.

 

Yes, I do think that some of the MM that we are with do care for their wives, and no not all BS are bad (even if the MM tell us they are). They do have something lacking in their marriage, but I do truly wonder if they will ever choose the OW.

 

I know on here that some have, but sometimes it's hard to be patient, kind and understanding while they string us along ....