otherman Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Hello Everyone, I am new to the forum as a poster, this is my first time be gentle! I have been reading for weeks now. Here is my story in short: 6 Months ago I fell head over heals in love with a young lady I met in college, we were both in our mid 20's and taking night classes. I said hello to her and that's where it all started. Within weeks we were seeing each other daily and talking on the phone everynight. Withing a 2 months we were sleeping at each others homes. You can only guess were this all went, we ended up having intimate relations(so-to-say). Well, here is the kicker she was and still is married. Her husband was in the armed forces, they had problems in the marriage, he cheated on her, treated her like crap and was always gone. I was the guy who came along with a good heart and good attentions. I didn't want it to turn into a relationship it just did. I beleive she is my soulmate and we lost paths along the way. Well it's month 6 now and he came home 3 weeks ago and she's with him and not with me. She said up to that point and says now she wants to be with me, but she is with him. We have spent many nights in each others arms ith her crying and begging me to hold on for her and to wait. She seems to mean well, but her being with him is killing me inside. Anytime I try to talk about it "She says I am hurting her", I am only speaking the truth to her and in a loving way. I know she only thinks I am hurting her because others have hurt her on purpose and due to that fact what is the truth comes through as a mixed singal of intentional hurting from me, which it isn't. I know that, but I still feel guilty. Moreover, she still says she wants to be with me and it will be less than 6 months(fyi at one point it was 2 weeks, that changed right before he came home), well needless to say she also lied to me about hanging out with other guys, basiclly spending the day with them, she says nothing happened and it was for emotional support, I believed her and moved on. However, as of recent I found out there is a guy calling her who has been out of the country on work who tells her he loves her, tells her he is glad she is still wearing his ring, and that he can't wait to see her and make love with her, that he is going to put her name on the house it's only fair and this guy isn't her husband it's a 40-50 yr old man she met about a year ago. She says the guy is crazy and read to far into phone calls they exchanged just to easy her lonely-ness. I called her out on it and told her to just be honest with me I still loved her and wanted to be with her, but she needed to be honest. She denys she speaks with him and sticks to the story he is just obsessed, so I told her I beleive her, but inside I think she may be just telling me that so that her world is better. None the less I am head over heals in love with her and accept her for her problems(some related to what happened to her as a child) I can relate to her I had alot of the same probs but I am a better person now, I want to help her, but she has deamons to overcome, but I'm here for her if she will let me. Anyways, I want her to make a choice, she tells me if I made her make a choice she would pick me, but I don't want to make her choose and I doubt she will pick me deep down inside. We have shared so many wonderful memories and I don't want to give those memories and memories to come up, but I am at my wits end and in tons of emotional pain. I feel like I am hurting her by telling her I am in pain so I have decided to keep it on the inside(I know this isn't good for me)...so that being said in the shortest of text possible) here is what I want to do, please give feed back...FYI I love her because she is everything I'm not and everything I want and need. Well, anyways my plan is to by her a ticket to NYC for Christmas prob 19th-28th....I am planning on spending the holdiays in NYC, I will give her the ticket and tell her she has until the date of the flight to make a choice, if she wants love and happiness with me, then I will see her on the flight, but if I don't I will know where she stands. I will not hate her or hold a grudge against her, I truely want her to be happy, but I have to draw a line in the sand and 6 mos is too much. Do you think 1 month 19 days is long enough for her to make a choice? Any input would be great.... Thanks, The Other Man
outofthedark Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 "if i am hurting I keep it on the inside"... You have to stop that. I have learned that this never leads to good things. If it hurts her for you to share that you are hurting, then there is a huge problem. If she loves you she will care and listen, even if it hurts. You are wanting a real relationship with her, you cannot bury your own feelings to do it.
Heather1 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 it's an ongoing timeline, it won't just happen in however many days you choose it to happen. I think the way people can make a decision is to either not talk to either of you, or not talk to you & her marriage can just fall apart...if it's going to. That way you two stand a chance. Give her the space to decide.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Pay attention to her actions rather than be dim witted and charmed by her words. Why is she still with her husband and not you? Because she's made her decision. She's a cheater, and you are making her out to be the little victim you have to protect.
Author otherman Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 She has alot of issues, but I love her enough to work through them. I dated alot before I met her and gave up dating a few months prior because I just couldn't find the one I was looking for. I didn't realize the one i was looking for would be married. Also, she calls me everynight and txt me all day at work, she see's me whenever she can. When she's crying she calls. Yes, I know for a fact the husband treats her like crap. I haver heard stories from friends of his and hers and if you put them all together he is a real tool. Oh, also I tried to put an end to the sexual side of the relationship because I was feeling guility and thought it was doing more harm than good. She flipped out and said I was cheating on her just like her husband and that's why I didn't want to make love with her any more. I let her know that wasn't the case. She has alot of issues, some of them stemming from childhood. I knew this early on, but I fell in love with her and I am willing to work through them with her if needed. I too suffered from some of the same issues as a child and can relate to her, I overcame them and I know she can too and I am willing to stick with her through it and she knows that. Recently she was sick and had to goto the ER he wouldn't take her so I went and got her and took her. I took time off of work several days and was by her side. I even had to wipe throwup off her and myself because she was so sick. So, yes he doesn't even take care of his own wife, which is one reason she loves me because I take care of her. Also, I'm not saying what I am doing is wrong, I fully know adultry is not right. However, I love her and I fight with my own deamons over the fact I am in this relationship, but to me it's all worth it. Moreover, do you think it is a good idea to put a time frame on her making a choice. I.E. by this date you will do this? FYI, they got married for 2 big reasons, one he made more money if they got married and 2 he asked her. She said it was the biggest mistake she made and had she known a person like myself was out there she would have waited. Additional FYI, sometimes I feel really bad, for 2 reasons, one I was married young at 20 my ex was 18, she left me for another man. Now, I have ended up in a relationship where I am the other man and I am trying to take another mans wife from him, so yes I feel bad for that, but as a human my desire to be happy out weighs everyone elses, with the exception of her happiness which I put first. Thanks and v/r, The Other Man
bentnotbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 And.......what you added didn't change a thing. She is still a cheater that if she was mature enough to marry, she should be mature enough to divorce. She married him because he asked....billiant. Unless you have seen first hand the things you claim he is doing to her or heard him say he wouldn't' take her to the ER or better yet...how can he do all of this for her if he is always gone? Something is funky with that line of bull.
tami-chan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) I think you are better off going to NYC alone or with a different person. This woman is bad news. I think she is just playing games with you(and the other guys). I know, she is lost and troubled and hurting and for that, she needs professional help. Can you save her from herself? Maybe. But more than likely, maybe not---because along the way she will probably destroy you. So...back away...then run. Christmas in NYC is marvelous! Have fun! Edited November 2, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
HarmonyHope Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) Everyone comes with baggage. This woman comes with more than most and I'm not really seeing a good reason for you to put up with the extra heaps of baggage. You could just let her deal with her life and then come back to you when she has less baggage. If you aren't willing to do that, I think your time frame is fine. She's had plenty of time during the whole A to consider what she wants so I don't think she needs anymore time. The timeline is really more for you - a definitive time where you won't allow yourself to languish in limbo anymore. I hope you are prepared to stick to it. Edited November 2, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author otherman Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I get worried I will be making a mistake if I just drop her. I worry that by me putting a timeframe on it and not going by hers I could lose her. Is this an irrational thought, sometimes I think it is, sometimes I think if she really loves me then the time frame shouldn't matter. Good point on her having enough time up until the point when he came home. She, has told me she wants to walk away from her husband with a clear mind. Like she is waiting on him to leave or for him to cross over the line. She says he has been mostly nice with the exception of screaming at her and not taking her to the doctor since he came back to the states. She, says she can't leave while he is nice because it would cause her not to be happy. When I say that's not a good reason, she says as I stated before I am hurting her. Even when I don't hurt her on purpose, just by being truthful I fell really bad about it. I feel like if I leave her or don't wait then she may think I never really loved her. I have too much worrying. I am really a to-the-point type of guy, I have never been unable to solve problems for myself or just put my foot down, but I can't put my foot down when it comes to her, becuase I don't want ot hurt her. V/R, The Other Man
bentnotbroken Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I get worried I will be making a mistake if I just drop her. I worry that by me putting a timeframe on it and not going by hers I could lose her. Is this an irrational thought, sometimes I think it is, sometimes I think if she really loves me then the time frame shouldn't matter. Good point on her having enough time up until the point when he came home. She, has told me she wants to walk away from her husband with a clear mind. Like she is waiting on him to leave or for him to cross over the line. She says he has been mostly nice with the exception of screaming at her and not taking her to the doctor since he came back to the states. She, says she can't leave while he is nice because it would cause her not to be happy. When I say that's not a good reason, she says as I stated before I am hurting her. Even when I don't hurt her on purpose, just by being truthful I fell really bad about it. I feel like if I leave her or don't wait then she may think I never really loved her. I have too much worrying. I am really a to-the-point type of guy, I have never been unable to solve problems for myself or just put my foot down, but I can't put my foot down when it comes to her, becuase I don't want ot hurt her. V/R, The Other Man Read what you just wrote. First, she isn't yours to lose, she is married to another man. Second, if you are that convinced that what you and she have is genuine and on the up and up...go tell her H you want to take her away from his abuse. For you to be a "to the point guy" why haven't you gotten around to pointing out your relationship to her H? She is a serial cheater, why wrap that albatross around your neck?
ladydesigner Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) Are there any kids involved in this relationship? If there aren't it shouldn't be too hard for her to leave. A lot of what she says to you sounds very juvenile, especially when she says you are hurting her. She, says she can't leave while he is nice because it would cause her not to be happy. What ??? I mean common. I feel like if I leave her or don't wait then she may think I never really loved her. I have too much worrying. I am really a to-the-point type of guy, I have never been unable to solve problems for myself or just put my foot down, but I can't put my foot down when it comes to her, becuase I don't want ot hurt her.Otherman you need to start thinking of yourself and not her so much. If she REALLY cared about you she would not be stringing you along like this. I wouldn't worry one way or another if she thought you loved her or not. Who cares. How are you going to feel when she tells you she will stay with her husband. How will you feel then? You are not being fair to yourself. I would distance myself from her if I were you and let her make her decision like a big girl. She sounds very unstable and emotionally immature. I am not sure this is a person that would be capable of carrying on a healthy relationship it sounds like she may need therapy. I know you love her and worry about her, but it would be a shame for you to get hurt from all this mess. Step away and go low contact if you have too. I think she needs time to anaylize her situation and you yours. Take care of yourself. (((otherman))) and guard yourself and your feelings. Edited November 2, 2009 by ladydesigner
jwi71 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Run Forest Run. This woman has EVERY chance to file. She chooses not to. And, uh, in case you missed it...you AREN'T her only one. She has you, the awful no good very bad H she can't divorce (puhleeze) and OTHER GUYS. Seriously, wtf. Did you forget her non-stop lying? The omissions? The half-truths? Uh...this woman is trouble with a capital T. Run, run, run, run....
Author otherman Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) Does it make me a bad person if I give her a date and then stick to it and walk out of her life? I sometimes feel like it may. I have wanted to tell her husband, but she doesn't want me too. He knows his wife and I are friends, but that's about it. She tells, me she doesn't want me getting in a fight with her husband, she doesn't want me to end up in jail. She is also concerned that he might shoot me because he's a hot head and carries a gun with him. I am also a hot head when it comes to people I love. She has told me he shakes her when he is mad and I have seen scares on her she won't talk about and that she cries about if I ask her if he did it. I get lost in it all sometimes. Also, she has no kids for the person who was asking. The only thing holding her to this marriage is fear the best I can tell. FYI, I'm not stupid I am sure she still loves him, I don't think you can ever stop truely loving someone you marry, I think people make mistakes and they move on to other relationships, but I know there will prob always be a feeling or thought attached to the good memories she has left of him. I worry sometimes she is waiting on him to change. I know he will never treat her like I do, for christ-sake he let her lay on the bathroom floor 3 days before she got taken to the hosptial as I stated before. Additionally, she does say debt sometimes worries her that if she leaves she will have to pay for part of the house, which she said she never wanted. I told her not to worry about it I fully accept the fact she may have some finc matters to iron out and I offered support. Also, I offered to get her an appartment for 6mo to move into until she could go thru a divorce that way she can keep her rep clean if that is what she was worried about, I offered to pay for it all. She hasn't accepted. Also, I'm not just some person who feels like that I can't do better, it's not about that. It's about the fact I know she is my soulmate. I am young, make a great paycheck, stable and outside of having an affair(which some people deam bad) I am still a nice guy with good morals. Do nice guys always finish last? I sometimes wonder. I mostly know she loves the way I treat her and I wonder if she is just wanting him to treat her like I do "THE CENTER OF THE WORLD" Thanks, V/R V/R, The Other Man Edited November 2, 2009 by otherman
Dexter Morgan Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 OM....why would you want her? She is a cheater. The fact that they had a troubled marriage and he cheated doesn't change that fact. People like that will find excuses til sunday to justify their cheating. Do you think that she thought you'd hop in the sack with her if her every conversation indicated she loved her husband? Of course not. People say a marriage is troubled, and that makes it somehow ok to cheat. So why would you want this? She does it to her husband, she can do it to you once the 7 year itch sets in. Not only that, you aren't the only one. Seems it has nothing to do with loyalty, or finding that special someone....she just wants different men. And that won't change if she ever was to, supposedly, commit to you.
ladydesigner Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 otherman if you are willing to be second best so be it. This woman does not sound like soulmate material, but I understand what you are saying. I thought my XOM was my soulmate, maybe he is but not in this lifetime. Please find a way to distract yourself from her a little and give her a little space to make a decision. You probably make her marriage bearable, I know my XOM did for me. I hope you do not get hurt. That is usually what happens when these things end.
JumpinJimmy Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 OM, this person is damaged goods, and will bring you nothing but grief. I was the single OM to a MW, and I was the pursuer..is it the same with you? If so, then why did you get so attached? We are guys for God's sake, and can have sex without any icky EA stuff...you're breaking the rules here. If not, then the first sentence holds true as she sounds like a serial cheater.
TogetherForever Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 My opinion, OM, is to let her go & if she divorces & comes back to you, well, then, it's meant to be.
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