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[Printer]

Can you guys tell me more about how to implement LC

 

We have been seperated for 9 months with a 13 year son. I left the house for a while but kept visiting. I moved back home for while after my wife had an accident at work. Then it all went wrong and she moved out six weeks ago. She lived with friends for a while. She moves into her new flat tomorrow and I want to ensure I don't pressure her in any way. My son lives with me and is angry with his mum. I will encourage him to visit his mum as much as possible. Do I just drop him off outside and not see/speak to her? I really could do with some advise on this one. Obviously I want my wife back as we've been together for 24 years and will do whatever it takes. ( full story in seperation & divorce section )

[anne1707]

For the sake of your son, it is important that the two of you have some kind of relationship whereby you can see each other and not fight. He needs to see that his parents can be nice to each other even if they are no longer together. The last thing you want is for him to be caught between the two of you arguing. Plus you also need to talk to each other at times about your son, eg parents evening, holidays, birthdays, etc

[hopesndreams]

LC, for you, would be talking with her only about your son. Be pleasant, smile even, but do not let her in on what you are doing with your life. Your life is no longer her business. She will try to get you to engage in convos about you, what you are doing, how's it going, seeing anyone, that sort of thing. She will want to talk about herself and remind you of the things you have done wrong. Don't go for the bait. LC will make her wonder about you and perhaps make her doubt her decision.

 

You can also implement the 180, here it is. Try to follow it as best you can and if you falter, get back on plan ASAP. If things do not work out with your W, by following LC and doing the 180, you are taking the necessary steps to living life without her, if it comes to that.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[Printer]

For the sake of your son, it is important that the two of you have some kind of relationship whereby you can see each other and not fight. He needs to see that his parents can be nice to each other even if they are no longer together. The last thing you want is for him to be caught between the two of you arguing. Plus you also need to talk to each other at times about your son, eg parents evening, holidays, birthdays, etc

 

 

Thanks for the advice Anne1707. Since she moved out six weeks ago after a big row, things between us have been ok. We speak often mostly about our son but there are times when she wants to know my plans. She quizzes our son regarding who has been around the house and I must admit I ask similar questions to my son. I know it's wrong to involve our son in this way but what does she really want to know. Our son has a massive operation coming up in the new year and it scares me big time. How will he cope with his parents being apart during and after the op. He will need at least 12 weeks recouperation. This is going to be really hard. I don't know how I could continue with LC.

[anne1707]

This definitely puts all the focus on your son's well being. Also remember that there is one person who understands exactly how scared you are for him. You and your wife really do need to get your act together so that you can both be there for your son when he is on hospital and then both take your share of looking after him. I do not mean giving him false hope of reconciliation but he needs to know that you are both there for him.

[Printer]

LC, for you, would be talking with her only about your son. Be pleasant, smile even, but do not let her in on what you are doing with your life. Your life is no longer her business. She will try to get you to engage in convos about you, what you are doing, how's it going, seeing anyone, that sort of thing. She will want to talk about herself and remind you of the things you have done wrong. Don't go for the bait. LC will make her wonder about you and perhaps make her doubt her decision.

 

You can also implement the 180, here it is. Try to follow it as best you can and if you falter, get back on plan ASAP. If things do not work out with your W, by following LC and doing the 180, you are taking the necessary steps to living life without her, if it comes to that.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

Thanks Hopendreams

 

It all makes good sense. I just hope I can follow your steps, it looks like real hard work but I will give it my best shot if only for my boy.

I really think she is making a huge mistake and hopefully by implementing the above, it may help our cause.

[hopesndreams]

don't know how I could continue with LC.

 

You need another support system at this time. Family members, a good friend and post here, many are here to listen and help you through. Your W is incapable of giving it to you. She is the one that is the source of your pain, it is only her that can change, if she wants to, you can't change her. The more you distance yourself from her, the more it will draw her in. Be her good buddy and it only helps her wean herself off you and when she has, she will have her final goodbye with you. Take the control away from her, do the LC and the 180. Nothing else will work.

[Printer]

don't know how I could continue with LC.

 

 

You need another support system at this time. Family members, a good friend and post here, many are here to listen and help you through. Your W is incapable of giving it to you. She is the one that is the source of your pain, it is only her that can change, if she wants to, you can't change her. The more you distance yourself from her, the more it will draw her in. Be her good buddy and it only helps her wean herself off you and when she has, she will have her final goodbye with you. Take the control away from her, do the LC and the 180. Nothing else will work.

 

LC and the 180 starts tomorrow. I know she is coming around the house to collect the last of her things and some furniture. I will ensure I am out at work all day and will return late. I know it's going to be a tough road ahead into the unknown, for both me and my boy. Wish me luck

[hopesndreams]

Good luck Printer. Any time you need to vent or have any questions, post here. It will be a long tough road ahead 4 sure and don't expect results right away. Be patient. Keep in mind though, there is an OM and if she does find her way back, he needs to be completely out of the picture for the M to be recoverable.

[Printer]

Good luck Printer. Any time you need to vent or have any questions, post here. It will be a long tough road ahead 4 sure and don't expect results right away. Be patient. Keep in mind though, there is an OM and if she does find her way back, he needs to be completely out of the picture for the M to be recoverable.

 

 

Thanks for your great advice and support. I so wish I found LS some time ago. I know I will find many friends here and I don't feel so alone anymore. Keep up the good work.

lol

[TapiocaDexterin]

Best of luck, let us know how you are getting on.

[Printer]

Best of luck, let us know how you are getting on.

 

I will keep you informed

 

God bless