art_vandelay Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 It seems incredible that this is still going on at this point. I posted in another thread a summary of the circumstances that lead to this..(see here if you are interested..http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206519/) I guess this no contact business I keep reading about is more important than I thought. We actually had about a half year of no contact starting a few months after we broke up because I said I would tell her new BF if she kept it up. But she found a way to start up again by joining an auto forum I was on and replying to things I posted there. I soon realized it was her and we started talking again little by little. For close to the next 2.5 years, she maintained that even though she was with another man and I had moved on with another woman, we needed to stay in each others lives. She felt it was wrong for us not to be and that eventually we might be a couple again someday (not sure what her plan was for that as she seemed content to stay where she was indefinitely). I did miss her and found it hard to turn her away, I will admit. She would say all the things she used to when we were together and even go as far as sending R-rated pics of herself to keep my interest. Well, that was until 3 weeks ago when her new BF got wind of the fact that she was having second thoughts and still in contact with me. Apparently he told her to leave but then he was having second thoughts. I don't know what her current status is but she abruptly cut off all contact without warning and will not answer email or text messages I sent to see how she is doing. Now I feel like I did when she left all over again. Not sure where to go from here but I guess NC would have been a really good policy 3 years ago...
Eisenhower Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Man, that sucks. It sounds like she's realy confused and a mess ... that probably just equals more drama for you, so youre inclination to stay away and NC is probably the right one. Eisenhower
oneheart Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not sure if that is love. Love to me is after the romance, the one who can put up with your bad habits and mistakes! This is not love this is romance and it is a wonderful place to be, the best place but no one stays there forever. However, I'm not sure what you are getting out of this. It sounds hard and painful but really what are the benefits? Do they outweigh the cost? Do you want something short or long term to happen? I know these may not be the right questions to ask they are just ones I would be asking myself. I'd be thinking about the bigger picture of it all. Maybe even talking to her about the bigger picture of it all (scared though I would be I would need to know what she has really got going on in her head and if it matches mine). Take a couple of long walks and have a think about what you really want out of it all and what you want and what you deserve.. which is the best of course!
DustySaltus Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm sorry about your situation but here's the honest truth. She was having an emotional affair with you. Obviously there was something that the new BF couldn't provide to her and she got from you. She only contacts you when she wants something. You are on the backburner. The fact that you are letting this drag on for three years shows that A) you love her more than you love yourself because why would you put yourself through this amount of pain for this long of a time? OR B) You like the excitement that the drama brings OR C) You enjoy pain. This has been going on for THREE YEARS??? It's NOT HEALTHY. Please just step outside yourself for a second and think of the situation. Is any woman worth this kind of heartache, let alone someone that has no idea what she wants and offers you little crumbs every once and a while? One last thing that you need to think about. She's sending you X-Rated pictures of herself while she's with someone else? Really step back and think about that. What makes you think she wonm't do the same down the line...... Have you spoke to a therapist to help you get through this? Good luck. D
Author art_vandelay Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I had a few sessions with a counselor when it first happened but it didn't seem to be much of a help, to be honest. She actually suggested couples counseling but I didn't think there was much point of doing that while my ex was living with someone else. I'm not really sure what I wanted from keeping in contact with my ex. In a way, I agreed with her that it didn't feel right to just completely quit and never see each other again after everything we had meant to each other and all we'd done to be together. She said she still had feelings (more than she ever did for anyone else she claimed) and I know I did. It was just really hard to cut her off and I guess I thought maybe eventually she'd say she wanted to make things right. But, it's been three years that I've had to watch as she coupled up with someone else. I guess she didn't really care about him that much since she had no issues with lying to him and cheating on him at all but that's the guy she went home to and slept with every night. She did all his cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, and provided free cable TV and internet (since she worked for the cable company), they even joined the mixed bowling league, so not a completely bad deal for him. Yet, I'd hear from her and her friend that she didn't like the guy, he was no good for her, etc. At this point, I don't think it would really matter if she wanted to reconcile. I don't think I could ever have the same feelings I used to have for her or ever trust her again. And, I guess I can't complain because things have really turned out OK for me, I kind of feel like Jim Carrey in the movie Yes Man now. That would be a great success story in another thread maybe..
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