JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 What I mean by the title is do you find yourself always falling for or wanting to date people that it has no chance of working out with. Sitting and thinking about past relationships, I have a horrible habit of dating girls who I get along great with in regards to interests, what to do together, even sex, but the thing that never works is our views on relationships. They are always in a "transitional phase", or just "looking for fun", and what makes this hurt more is that after falling out of many of these relationships, they have turned around and found someone that they are now ok with calling their "boyfriend" and in a case or two, even married that person. Why the hell would I keep falling for girls like this? Does anyone else have this problem? What have you done about it? I really want someone that is basically my best friend (which means many shared interests, etc.), but all the girls like this don't seem to want anything serious, ever.
tigressA Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I think your problem lies in that you're concentrating on the more shallow stuff that you have in common with these girls. It's nice to have common interests, but at the end of the day you need to have common values in regards to relationships, personal beliefs, character, etc--the deeper stuff. Having a lot of common interests with a partner isn't what's going to sustain a relationship if you both have differing views on the relationship itself.
Isolde Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Well put, tigress! Both people have to really want to be together or else, well, what's the point?
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Then how would I go about making this more likely to happen? I don't really have any interests in hanging out with much less dating a girl I don't share interests with. I realize that wanting the same thing out of a relationship is one of the major things that will determine if it works, but if I have nothing in common with a girl, why be in a relationship with her?
MN randomguy Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I know what you're saying. I think the common interest is her. If you're into her enough to put the effort into "wooing" her then generally the guy does a lot of listening to conversation about stuff they're totally not into. How did it work when gender roles were more defined? Think of the small farming towns where it still is that way. Guys are into farm equipment, motocross bikes, football. Girls are into dancing, pop music, scrap booking. They seem to wind-up together though.
tigressA Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 It's not that you can't have ANY shared interests with a girl--of course you should have some things you two like to do together. It's just that how she is as a person, how she treats you and how you both feel about the relationship should be the most important things. It seems like you've been making the common interests the most important thing here. It's hard to think logically about an attraction that you feel toward someone. I realized weeks ago that the things I'm initially attracted to, and the things that would make an ideal long-term partner for me, are very different. I think this is something that a lot of people fail to see in themselves. For example, my boyfriend and I don't have a whole lot in common as far as interests, but we have the same views on our relationship; we have similar values and personalities. Let me ask you--what qualities attract you to a girl? What about a girl makes you want to be in a relationship with her?
aerogurl87 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 What I mean by the title is do you find yourself always falling for or wanting to date people that it has no chance of working out with. Sitting and thinking about past relationships, I have a horrible habit of dating girls who I get along great with in regards to interests, what to do together, even sex, but the thing that never works is our views on relationships. They are always in a "transitional phase", or just "looking for fun", and what makes this hurt more is that after falling out of many of these relationships, they have turned around and found someone that they are now ok with calling their "boyfriend" and in a case or two, even married that person. Why the hell would I keep falling for girls like this? Does anyone else have this problem? What have you done about it? I really want someone that is basically my best friend (which means many shared interests, etc.), but all the girls like this don't seem to want anything serious, ever. Well with my ex I used to constantly want him back after breaking up with him for really good reasons. I remember even telling him that what we had was so unhealthy, but for some reason my brain wasn't processing that because it was blocking all logic with that "in love" high. Now that I've sobered up I guess you could say, I've realized that I need to date guys who I initially wouldn't just go for in the beginning. Key example being my boyfriend who I probably wouldn't pick out at a club or in a crowded room, but when it comes down to it he's a great guy and a great boyfriend. We were also friends first which I think sort of helps. We can laugh and joke around and we both get each other and how we feel about certain things due to our friendship that we had prior to dating. So all I can say is go for not necessarily the hot women, but the pretty girls who you could hang out with all day and never get bored. Find one you are attracted to and you will be more happier in the long run with her than with some woman who just has a pretty face and nothing else really going for her. Beauty fades but personality is forever.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 To tell the truth what attracts me to a girl is the ability to talk about something I find stupidly amazing (zombies, video games, a stupid movie even) for hours on end. I have to admit physically I like a slight punker style, and personality wise it's energetic and willing to try new stuff with me. My most recent ex I acutally started out thinking she was kind of cute but nothing amazing. As I got to know her, I fell head over heels for her. Unfortunately she wasn't quite perfect for me (interests, generally getting along, etc were there) but we didn't have the same relationship goals, which killed (is killing) me, but she was able to just break it off seemingly like nothing. This is the spiral I'm stuck in. I talk with a girl (not interested in dating really for various reasons), and then I get along with them very well, falling for them, but don't get that in return. Just wondering if I am doing this all wrong?
aerogurl87 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Yes having similar relationship goals is very important. If a guy or gal wants marriage and their partner is determined to be an eternal bachelor or bachelorette, then that won't work. Same goes with other very important relationship oriented goals. So during the early stages of dating I'd find a way to playfully bring up those topics in a way that doesn't sound like you're interrogating them.
tigressA Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Okay, see, that stuff you posted about what you're attracted to--being able to talk about "stupid" things, being energetic, trying new things, etc--that's more shallow stuff. What about the deeper stuff, like character? Personal values? And of course, relationship values? By the way, how old are you? It seems that people around my age and a bit younger/older (I'm 22) focus way more on the shallow stuff in relationships than the deeper stuff that really matters. It depends on what you yourself are looking for too--do you want to just date around or have short relationships? Are you looking for a serious relationship that will lead to a deeper commitment such as cohabitation/marriage?
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 This is the spiral I'm stuck in. I talk with a girl (not interested in dating really for various reasons), and then I get along with them very well, falling for them, but don't get that in return. Just wondering if I am doing this all wrong? I call it the carhill death spiral. Smoking hole in the relationship desert Try dating them first (meaning asking them out on a date) and then getting to know them. If you must 'get to know' them first, make it more distant and perhaps in a group setting. Observe whether they are someone you wish to get to know 'better'. If yes, ask them out. If they say no, accept that with a smile. Lots of females and life is long for you. Avoid my smoking hole as you pass by
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 What everyone is saying makes sense, except I still don't understand how wanting similar interests, energy, etc. is shallow. Shallow would be just wanting sex, just wanting someone that makes me feel good without me having to put anything into it, or just wanting someone that is super hot. I guess what I'm looking for is a friend and a partner (that of course shares relationship goals and views), and I'm not seeing how that is shallow. I'm 26 BTW.
tigressA Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 What I mean by shallow is that having common interests, as your initial post obviously showed, isn't what will sustain a relationship, as I already said. Really, you just need to make sure that these girls you are attracted to want the same thing you want, relationship-wise. And you find out by getting to know them, from a more distant standpoint as Carhill said, and by asking them out.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Ok, last concern. How do I keep from falling for someone too fast then. This what I just got over. Dated someone, things went well, fell for them too fast, they realized this, and dumped me. That's the other problem I seem to have, is falling too fast. A date is a good start, but I get too emotional about it, and after one or two dates, I either am not interested, or just really want to see the person again.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 OP, your priorities are correct but your approach isn't attracting women who are healthy for you. What needs to change?
bbf Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 What I mean by the title is do you find yourself always falling for or wanting to date people that it has no chance of working out with. Sitting and thinking about past relationships, I have a horrible habit of dating girls who I get along great with in regards to interests, what to do together, even sex, but the thing that never works is our views on relationships. They are always in a "transitional phase", or just "looking for fun", and what makes this hurt more is that after falling out of many of these relationships, they have turned around and found someone that they are now ok with calling their "boyfriend" and in a case or two, even married that person. Why the hell would I keep falling for girls like this? Does anyone else have this problem? What have you done about it? I really want someone that is basically my best friend (which means many shared interests, etc.), but all the girls like this don't seem to want anything serious, ever. I'm sorry to be blunt, but if they say they don't want something serious until the moment the run into a different guy... well it really just means they didn't want something serious with you. It's hard to say why, but you're getting friend zoned consistently. Maybe you're just not coming off as someone who's interested in something more.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 I have no idea what needs to change. This is why I am starting counseling tomorrow (/joy). But I just wanted to get some stuff out before hand so I didn't crack while waiting for the appointment. This has just been a horrible week to get dumped (not that any week is good). I'm not sure, I'm pretty sure I show interests, as a matter of fact I think sometimes I might show too much. THat might be a bit of my problem I suppose.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 As far as the emotional part, this is something you'll have to practice. I do it by visualizing a full life, one which is not dependent upon the emotional connection with a woman I barely know. I then act on that visualization. The key is wanting less and having other priorities and choosing to make those priorities immutable until the appropriate and healthy woman for you shows you her value to be right up with those priorities. Think about how the women are dealing with you. How they invest. How they act and react. Learn For a guide on how not to do it, read my evolution series of journals
tigressA Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Ok, last concern. How do I keep from falling for someone too fast then. This what I just got over. Dated someone, things went well, fell for them too fast, they realized this, and dumped me. That's the other problem I seem to have, is falling too fast. A date is a good start, but I get too emotional about it, and after one or two dates, I either am not interested, or just really want to see the person again. Or he comes off as too interested too soon, which is a big turn-off.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Yep, and it doesn't matter if it's a week or a year. If the women feels it's too soon and is turned off, that's the way it is. As I said, OP, learn
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Thinking more about it, I think Tigress's most recent post might have hit it on the head. I show too much interest to soon possbily. And where can I find your journals at Carhill?
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Can you see a line under my avatar saying "journal entries - 18"? If so, click on the 18 and look for the Evolution Series in the history category. They'll list in reverse order, newest first, so start at the oldest one.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Didn't notice that. Thanks everyone.
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