insecure boyfriend who wants recognition from other women

[notebookgirl]

so here's another story of an insecure boyfriend, but the details are a little bit different than what i've read on other posts. my boyfriend doesn't smother me, in fact i think he gives me way too much space. he's not at all jealous of other guys or my close guy friends, he appreciates it when other guys give me compliments. instead of not trusting me, its himself that he doesn't trust. he tells me that his insecurities of being a skinny pimply teenager have now carried over into his twenties. he wants to be viewed as ''the hottest guy'' and wants that recognition from other attractive women. he knows how much i love him but its not enough for him bc he says i'm only one person and he takes me for granted (like i'm supposed to love him and find him attractive no matter what). in the past 4.5 years we've been together, he's put on almost 30 pounds of muscle and continues to drink protein powder and work out every other day. basically, he's just dying to get attention from people, and its so important to him that he's willing to trample all over my feelings to get it. i know he's looking for the wrong thing but he has to figure it out on his own. until he is able to realize what a huge mistake he is making, nothing will change. needless to say, this relationship is over, but i'm just wondering if/how anyone else has dealt with this and how you were able to cope? its so hard watching the person you love most turn into this obsessive selfish monster that you can barely even talk to anymore.

[Thornton]

I'm not sure I understand the problem. Your boyfriend wants to look good and have his confidence boosted by being considered generally attractive - why is that a bad thing? It's like a guy saying he doesn't want his girlfriend wearing nice clothes and makeup, because he finds her attractive without them, and his opinion should be the only one that counts. If your boyfriend was 300lb but you still found him attractive, do you think he shouldn't care what other people say about his obesity, because your opinion is the only one that counts? The fact is, looking good and receiving acknowledgement of that fact does make you feel good about yourself, and as long as your boyfriend isn't cheating or doing anything bad then I don't see why him wanting to look good is a problem.

 

Even when there's no boyfriend around and I'm not trying to attract anyone, I still style my hair and wear nice clothes, because it makes me feel good about myself, and it makes me feel good when someone (man or woman) says they like my hairstyle or my dress looks pretty. To me, not making an effort to look nice screams "low self esteem". Your boyfriend has some self respect and is making an effort to be the best he can be - you should respect that fact instead of allowing your own insecurities to create non-existent problems.

[notebookgirl]

you're completely misunderstanding the problem. he wants to break up with me so that he can receive recognition from multiple attractive women. its not that he's just ''taking care of himself.'' its much more than that. he'll go out, drink, take inappropriate photos and act inappropriately with other women. he hasn't full on cheated, but he has said that he thinks about it sometimes. the main problem is that he is not satisfied with the relationship because he feels that since he is with me, other girls don't pay as much attention to him as they otherwise would. so, he neglects me and acts in a way that hurts me without paying attention to the consequences.

[Thornton]

Ok, sorry I misunderstood. If he wants to break up with you so he can receive recognition from more women then you should just let him do so, since he clearly doesn't love you or appreciate you as an irreplaceable individual. He thinks that recognition from other women is worth more than your love and affection, and I don't really think there's any way to change his mind. If he is neglecting you and hurting you then he obviously doesn't care about you, and nobody deserves to be treated like that. You have to let him make his own mistakes, and move forward on your own in the hope of finding someone else who will love and appreciate you in a way that your current boyfriend does not.