tkod Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I am 21 years old, and my gf is 20. We have been dating for 6 months, and have been very happy together. Before we had sex for the first time and before we started getting serious into our relationship we talked about our past relationships, our numbers etc. When we talked about it first, it didn't really bother me. I think because i wasn't emotionally attached yet. But now I am getting really attached to her, and just last night for some stupid reason I probed deeper into the situation. She told me about her first relationship, when she was 18 and how she had a sexual relationship with older guy. She said she did it for the attention, and she would sleep with him several times a week, staying over at his house (lying to her parents where she was). This didn't really sit well with me at all. She is my first real girlfriend, and the first girl I actually said ,"I love you" too. She means a lot to me, but now I can't stop thinking about her and that guy. Last night after she told me, she asked me if I thought of her differently, and I said yes. She cried and she felt really bad, I told her it wasn't her fault. I know her number isn't that high, and i know it was in the past, and i know its not her fault, and i know I can't do anything about it. but i still feel a jealous/insecure/helpless when i think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. What can i do to help myself get over this? I love this girl and dont want our relationship to be jeopardized...
bac Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 What are you worry about? How old was that guy? If you think that an older guy can do better at sex than younger, you are wrong. But an older guy perhaps may build better an emotional connection with a girl. He can be more flexible, supportive and understanding. Your GF is 20, and for most girls in 20s, sexual relationship with a man is about getting attention, love, and emotional attachment.
boogieboy Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Yeah, whats your issue with the older guy? Listen you lil tot, be happy that shes telling the truth about anything, because you will run into women who will smile in your face and lie their ass off.
dreamergrl Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I am 21 years old, and my gf is 20. We have been dating for 6 months, and have been very happy together. Before we had sex for the first time and before we started getting serious into our relationship we talked about our past relationships, our numbers etc. When we talked about it first, it didn't really bother me. I think because i wasn't emotionally attached yet. Well you asked.... But now I am getting really attached to her, and just last night for some stupid reason I probed deeper into the situation. She told me about her first relationship, when she was 18 and how she had a sexual relationship with older guy. She said she did it for the attention, and she would sleep with him several times a week, staying over at his house (lying to her parents where she was). This didn't really sit well with me at all. Then you asked for more information..... She is my first real girlfriend, and the first girl I actually said ,"I love you" too. She means a lot to me, but now I can't stop thinking about her and that guy. Last night after she told me, she asked me if I thought of her differently, and I said yes. She cried and she felt really bad, I told her it wasn't her fault. Then you made her feel bad because she had a life before you. I know her number isn't that high, and i know it was in the past, and i know its not her fault, and i know I can't do anything about it. but i still feel a jealous/insecure/helpless when i think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. What can i do to help myself get over this? I love this girl and dont want our relationship to be jeopardized... Then quite making her feel bad for being with someone before you. If you feel jealous and insecure, that is on you, that is not her fault. Time to put your big boy boxers on and accept the fact that as you get older the girls you are with with most likely be older as well, and have been with people prior to you.
JustLooking123 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 It's too late to undo this situation, but learn from this: if you can't handle the details of her prior sexual relationships, don't ask. It's really wrong and unfair to probe for details, then make her feel bad when she answers you honestly.
aerogurl87 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I am 21 years old, and my gf is 20. We have been dating for 6 months, and have been very happy together. Before we had sex for the first time and before we started getting serious into our relationship we talked about our past relationships, our numbers etc. When we talked about it first, it didn't really bother me. I think because i wasn't emotionally attached yet. But now I am getting really attached to her, and just last night for some stupid reason I probed deeper into the situation. She told me about her first relationship, when she was 18 and how she had a sexual relationship with older guy. She said she did it for the attention, and she would sleep with him several times a week, staying over at his house (lying to her parents where she was). This didn't really sit well with me at all. She is my first real girlfriend, and the first girl I actually said ,"I love you" too. She means a lot to me, but now I can't stop thinking about her and that guy. Last night after she told me, she asked me if I thought of her differently, and I said yes. She cried and she felt really bad, I told her it wasn't her fault. I know her number isn't that high, and i know it was in the past, and i know its not her fault, and i know I can't do anything about it. but i still feel a jealous/insecure/helpless when i think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. What can i do to help myself get over this? I love this girl and dont want our relationship to be jeopardized... First of all why the hell did you ask her about "her number"?!?!? That was mistake number one. Secondly, why do you care if she had a relationship with this older guy? She's not sleeping with him now and she's with you, that should say volumes. We all mistakes along the road of life (not saying her ex was a mistake) so you can't hold this against her. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to is all I'm saying. You can't blame her for her past.
Tiz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I would say in the beginning stages of dating try to keep subjects light and funny. This kind of talk about past sexual partners even just past boyfriends does nothing to build attraction.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I know her number isn't that high, and i know it was in the past, and i know its not her fault, and i know I can't do anything about it. but i still feel a jealous/insecure/helpless when i think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. "THAT HIGH?" WTF? Listen, Tarzan. At your age, I have a hunch this will not be your last GF - especially with your judgmental attitude about her sexual past. I give her kudos for trusting you enough to give you the whole truth (frequency and such...jeebus). I think you need to drop your primitive belief that a woman should be a non-sexual being (oh, except just with you) and move-the-****-on. Drop it. She's no where near the whore you are making her out to be. I think it's horrid that you made her cry over ONE guy. Might want to drop the macho attitude before she wisens up and dumps you. Try evolving - that would help.
boldjack Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I agree with Dreamer, you need to man-up and forget about this other guy. To make her cry over something she has no control over is pretty low. You either need to let her find another guy, who will value her as the good ,honest girl she is, or apologize for your ****ty behavior and show her that you are a man instead of a boy.
dreamergrl Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Dude. Never ask. Just don't. I promise she has now learned to lie, and she will lie to every guy after you about how many penises have been inside her. How do you figure? Perhaps she'll see OP for the insecure person he is and realize she has nothing to feel bad. Here is a hint, if you suspect your woman is a slut, she probably is. If you have a problem with that, then just treat her like a slut. Great advice... OP already treated her like dirt for sleeping with ONE guy prior to him. His insecurity is corrupting his view on her.
Vertex Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I personally don't even consider talking about past relationships until well down the line (and only if I get asked first, since I don't care), but I do think it's wrong of you to make her feel like less of a person because of her past. Like dreamer said, you kept pushing for information and then hurt her feelings when you got your answer. You guys are into your 20's now -- many people have had at least one relationship by that time, and a decent share of that group have had sex. The older you get, the longer the sex histories will be with those you date. It's not like humans have foresight and will reject having sex with someone because they know it likely won't work out in the end. Hindsight's 20/20, and it's not your place to cast judgment on her past.
dreamergrl Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Did you read what I wrote? Or better yet, do you even know how the OP interpreted it yet? Let's just see what the OP has to say about eh? Because that's who I was talking to. That guy. He probably gets it. If not, he'll let me know. Thanks. It's called a forum, anyone can give their opinion on your post. And yes, I read how you claimed OP taught her how to lie. Which is crap. She could very well see that he is just being a little boy about the matter and move on. You also told him if he suspects his woman is a slut, she probably is. He is already making her feel bad and treating her like crap for sleeping with one man prior to him. He's already treating her like she's a slut, when she's not. So now you are advocating him to continue, seeing how is he already has it in his head that she is slutty.
aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Here is a hint, if you suspect your woman is a slut, she probably is. I've often wondered, what exactly categorizes a woman as a slut? If it's having multiple partners then wow, lots of women are sluts in that case. Also, what if she didn't want to be with him because he's so inexperienced? Ironically enough I know lots of women who don't want to be with a man who has no sex history whatsoever because the man lacks experience and therefore they think he will not be very pleasing in the bedroom. The OP's girlfriend didn't judge him for that so he has no right to judge her for having a life before meeting him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I've often wondered, what exactly categorizes a woman as a slut? If it's having multiple partners then wow, lots of women are sluts in that case. Also, what if she didn't want to be with him because he's so inexperienced? Ironically enough I know lots of women who don't want to be with a man who has no sex history whatsoever because the man lacks experience and therefore they think he will not be very pleasing in the bedroom. The OP's girlfriend didn't judge him for that so he has no right to judge her for having a life before meeting him. Yes he does have a right to judge her! He has a right to pick and choose who he dates, based on whatever criteria he chooses. For you to say otherwise is ludicrous. Also, what makes a woman a slut... is not the fact that she has sex... but WHY she has sex. Having sex for attention is a slutty reason.
aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Don't play shy sister girl. You know what constitutes. its not the numbers its the behavior. You got girlfriends, you know who they are and you know which ones you look at with the side eye. We are all grown ups here. Haha, no but seriously I think people have differing views on what constitutes someone as acting slutty. If a girl is 100% single and has a FWB or sleeps with whomever she wants, when she wants, I don't consider her to be a slut. She's just being free and nothing wrong with that because if a man can do it, so can she. On the other hand, if a girl is leading a guy on by saying he's "just a friend" yet they act more like a couple and she's going out flirting with tons of guys and maybe even fooling around with them or sleeping with them, then I consider that to be slutty. And yes I do have a friend who acts like that.
aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Yes he does have a right to judge her! He has a right to pick and choose who he dates, based on whatever criteria he chooses. For you to say otherwise is ludicrous. Also, what makes a woman a slut... is not the fact that she has sex... but WHY she has sex. Having sex for attention is a slutty reason. Well if he has a problem with it, he can leave. No one is forcing him to stay with her. And that's why I don't think it was right for him to make her feel bad about what she had done previous to meeting him.
Tiz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Here is a hint, if you suspect your woman is a slut, she probably is. If you have problem with that, then just treat her like a slut. How is that positive advice for this relationship to last? If I knew at 21 what I know now about girls this one would have been long gone. It is a little strange that this girl was willing to talk so freely about this with details of an older man, attention seeking sex, etc. Then again, girls between 18-22 are all over the place. In my experience immaturity and inconsistency are too common in this range for me to even waste my time. I think it's also strange that this guy wanted to know. Dreamergrl is correct. This is a sure sign of insecurity on his part. I would say from here on out if this guy doesn't do some serious damage control things will only go downhill.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Well if he has a problem with it, he can leave. No one is forcing him to stay with her. And that's why I don't think it was right for him to make her feel bad about what she had done previous to meeting him. I agree with that. What he needs to do is tell her that, Yes, it does change how he sees her, but in a good way. He feels more connected with her... like he knows who she is more.... ect. Then work through the issue on his own. The guy is young, and first relationships are usually like this for guys who don't get alot of play early on. Once a guy realizes that women can be pretty interchangeable... all that insecurity stuff goes away.
tigressA Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) I agree with that. What he needs to do is tell her that, Yes, it does change how he sees her, but in a good way. He feels more connected with her... like he knows who she is more.... ect. Then work through the issue on his own. The guy is young, and first relationships are usually like this for guys who don't get alot of play early on. Once a guy realizes that women can be pretty interchangeable... all that insecurity stuff goes away. But it's obvious from his post that he doesn't see her in a good way because of this! Why lie? From his gf's response, her crying and all, she knows he sees her in a bad way now. Doing a total 180 would make her suspicious. Anyway, I think the guy needs to grow up and get over it, period. He asked, now he has to deal with the knowledge. If he can't, he and his gf both need to move on, and she can find someone who isn't insecure over stuff that happened in the past. Edited November 2, 2009 by tigressA
Tiz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I separate whores and sluts. To me, sluts can either be sexually promiscuous or not. Its more of a behavior thing. Although, a girl can act, dress, and talk slutty and be whore. Or, she can just act slutty and not sleep around with a bunch of guys. A whore to me is girl that is easy to get into bed, and has a high number of partners. I don't want to date a whore, but we're all humans. I try not to judge whores. They like sex just as much as me.
JaggedRoad Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Haha, no but seriously I think people have differing views on what constitutes someone as acting slutty. If a girl is 100% single and has a FWB or sleeps with whomever she wants, when she wants, I don't consider her to be a slut. She's just being free and nothing wrong with that because if a man can do it, so can she. Haha, no but seriously I think people have differing views on what constitutes someone as acting murderous. If a girl is 100% innocent and has a knife or kills with whatever she wants, when she wants, I don't consider her to be a murderer. She's just being free and nothing wrong with that because if a man can do it, so can she. Sorry, but I felt the need to do that. Sexual promiscuity seems to be of no concern to people these days.
Tiz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 But it's obvious from his post that he doesn't see her in a good way because of this! Why lie? From his gf's response, her crying and all, she knows he sees her in a bad way now. Doing a total 180 would make her suspicious. Absolutely. Dropping the subject, and never bringing it up again is the best call. However, if the guy is the insecure type he probably won't ever let her live this down. He'll stew on this and use it against her in the future. In this case moving on would be the best call.
boldjack Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 How about you people, who want to argue, get on your own thread, and go to it. It's a good idea to try to stay on topic............ OP, you are not acting in any kind of a mature and caring manner. She told you about ONE sexual encounter and you are going to pieces over it. Grow the f**k up. She has been honest with you and you made her cry about it. Really smart move. Now she knows that the only way to avoid trouble is to b*llsh*t you. This girl is IN NO WAY exhibiting slu**y behavior. She deserves a lot better guy than you.
Tiz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 you guys really are unreading dumb****s. Or apparently you can't tell that's for future refrence after this girlfriend has crashed and burned. Did you not read the other part at all? I'll feed the beast one more time. You said nothing about crashing and burning and slut treatment after the relationship is over that I can see. Nevertheless, lets say you did state that. How is that positive advice to treat a girl at any point before, during, or after a relationship?
Tiz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) I can't resist. here is the part you and the other literacy challenged person missed. You really think he's gonna recover from this? I doubt it. Who said anything about positive. Now the kid is insecure, we know that, but it's no need to send him off into the future blind. If he gets bashed on here for being insecure he may swing the opposite way and try to treat the next girl with too much trust. He has to learn to follow his gut. Now If he runs into a chic and his gut tells him she's a bit of a slag, then he should treat her accordingly until proven otherwise. In other words, keep an eye out for her behavior and listen closely to her words. I said something about positive. I was never one for ad hominem attacks, and you brought it up, but literate people use question marks at the end of questions. Pot meet kettle. If you know how to pick good girls to date seriously and you "get it" when it comes to women there is no need to treat girls accordingly in the context you're talking about. You sound a bit insecure yourself. Edited November 2, 2009 by Tiz
Recommended Posts