Ophelia Rue Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 If you haven't read another post of mine, I've been with my boyfriend Ryan for almost a year, about 11 months. We're 25 and 24. During this time he has never told me that he loves me. Sometimes the way he acts I can tell he might, but he's never said it. On Friday we were out with some people and one of the guys was looking at a girl in a skanky costume and he said, "I LOVE Halloween!" So Ryan laughed and said, "I love Halloween too but I love Ophelia more." He was drunk, though. Last night I decided I needed to get it out of my system. I really do love him and the fact that I wasn't telling him was eating me up inside. We were at a Halloween party (I was a little drunk, he was not) and I was alone with him, and I just smiled at him, looked directly at him and said, "I love you." He didn't say anything. I went in the bathroom and cried my little heart out, wiped my eyes, reapplied my makeup, and went back out. He could tell I was crying. I told him I felt a little sick. One of his friend's girlfriends pulled me aside and asked what was wrong, and I told her, and told her not to tell her boyfriend. I hope she doesn't. Ryan and I got back in the car, because we had to go to another party, he held my hand and said, "I love your cute butt." Which isn't the same, obviously. Like a baby I continued to secretly cry for the rest of the night, going to the bathroom every 10 minutes or whatever. So I was a drama queen with all the crying, I know. But when your heart gets trampled on there's really nothing else you can do but cry. This last year I have been sooo careful not to do anything to make myself look like a "crazy girl" or anything. I never act bitchy, I'm always nice, I always try to look cute, I'm loyal, and I try to have a good attitude. Is it possible you can be with someone for a year and not love them? This whole thing just killed me. I want someone who loves me. I don't know what to do. Is this a lost cause? What should I do?
bbf Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I'm sorry for you, that must have hurt. You must have felt so rejected... I've been the first to be told i love you and been the first to say it. More often than not people are unsure of immediately saying it back. It's because unless they've been thinking of the right time to say it too, it's kind of a shock. The words I love you can have a lot of meaning, so maybe it's something he doesn't want to say lightly without giving it some thought. Right now he's probably thinking about how the relationship might change if he says it and what it really means to say that to someone. You never know, it could be that over the next couple days he'll think about it more and realize he feels the same way. But since you've taken the first step, when he's ready he'll definitely let you know. My advice is give it some time for now.
WTRanger Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Think about it this way. Does he love you with his actions or with just plain old meaningless words? Is he there for you when you need him? Does he make you happy? Does he do little things for you? If you answer yes, then he does indeed love you. Just because he's a little hesitant to say it, doesn't mean jack squat. Actions, actions, actions. Not words. If it really bothers you, talk to HIM about it. Tell him exactly what you've told us. You are near the 1 year mark, you shouldn't let little stupid things like this fester inside you. Because it can lead to a major blow up in a future non-related argument.
Thornton Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 A year is rather a long time to be with someone and not tell them you love them (or not love them at all). If someone was unable to say they loved me after a whole year, I'd question their motivation for being in the relationship, because it's obviously not their feelings that's keeping them there. It's possible that your bf may be shy, or reticent in expressing his emotions - he may love you but feel unable to say it. Or he may not love you, and may be in the relationship for other reasons such as companionship and sex. Only you can decide whether he loves you or not, and you should decide this based on how he treats you and how he acts when you're together. Don't be afraid to sit down and talk about this issue with him - it will be difficult, but not as difficult as potentially wasting more years in a relationship that's going nowhere and falling deeper in love with someone who doesn't return your feelings.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 IMO, the only relevant 'action' he could perform right now to show his love would be a proposal. Seriously, in an intimate relationship, words and actions need to match and support and validate each other. I can say with authority that a woman who didn't support her actions with ILY's in an intimate relationship would be gone as fast as her hair through a Hoover, especially if, as in all my intimate relationships, I was the first to say it. OP, I empathize. Good on ya for suffering secretly and not blowing up at him. IMO, simply tell him that you feel rejected when he shows signs of loving you but can't tell you he loves you (if that is your truth). Then, listen and accept his response or silence. Then, decide what *you* want with this relationship. Best wishes
boogieboy Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Its a lost cause. If he wasnt naturally into you enough to be in love with you by now, he never will.
JustLooking123 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Maybe he's just very immature with really poor communication skills? Sounds like he's tried to tell you he loves you, but is unable to do it directly. I'm not saying this is okay (I would not put up with this), but it's better than flat-out rejection. I guess it comes down to what you are willing to put up with, and what you think you deserve. In any case, I'd step back and give him a few days, then you guys need to have a serious talk.
JohnP82 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Hmm, I don't think I would be too concerned if I was dating someone and they didn't reciprocate the words immediately. However, if she didn't say it back within a reasonable time I would probably get out of the relationship. OP give him some time, but don't wait around forever.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Relevant thread I thought I had walked this path before
xpaperxcutx Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 If he's not ready to say after a year, how will more time make a difference? A guy knows when he loves you or not. They don't need you to tell them to tell you.
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